228 The Past Pierces Me Like a Sword
1 Whenever I think of how my faith in the Lord used to be, I feel remorseful for my past actions. I loathe the denial I had toward God’s work in the last days, and am left with eternal regret. Back then, I dreamed every day of the Lord’s return, longing with my entire heart to be raptured into the kingdom of heaven. However, when the Lord came knocking on the door and the salvation of the last days had arrived, I refused to accept it. Assuming that believing in God meant believing in the Bible, I delimited Him to what is written there. I raved, arbitrarily judging God’s work, with no intention to seek. I worked to seal off the church, stopping believers from seeking and investigating the true way. To maintain my own name and status, I kept believers constrained by my own grasp. I never imagined I could serve God all these years only to become a ringleader in resisting Him. My inerasable sins pain me to no end.
2 I was so rebellious and resistant, but God still showed mercy and tried everything to save me. He had knocked at the doors of my heart with His words so many times before its hardness began to soften. I’ve now accepted the judgment and chastisement of His words, and seen how foolish and blind I was. Mankind can never fully understand the abundance of all that God has and is. God’s work is not constrained by any rules; it is always progressing. However, I delimited it to what is written in the Bible; so incredibly arrogant I was. So many believers lost opportunities to attain salvation because of my obstruction. Though I believed in God, I actually vied with Him for His chosen people. I really was a modern-day Pharisee. I should be damned for my actions, but God still gave me a chance to repent. Now that I see His genuine love, I feel even more that I owe Him so much. Oh God, I believed in You but did not know You, and I resisted and judged You. I truly am of Satan’s ilk, unworthy of Your mercy and salvation. Oh God, I will repent and accept Your judgment. I will pursue the truth with every fiber of my being, fulfill my duty, and repay Your love.