213 A Remorseful Heart
1 Through the judgment of God’s words, I saw the true face of my own corruption. Though I believed in God and read His words, my heart did not yearn for the truth. What I gave, what I gave up, what I spent—it was all tainted with base motives. I wished only to be blessed by God; I never truly loved God. God’s merciless judgment and trials laid me bare. I was negative, passive, self-destructive, still preoccupied with my prospects and fate. I looked upon my decadence, the ugliness of my corruption, my greedy desires, and my false countenance—how could I not be loathed by God?
2 Reflecting on myself in the light of God’s words, my mind was suddenly enlightened: All of God’s words are the truth—it’s just that I had been remiss in my pursuit. There had been no change in my disposition, I still lived by the poisons of Satan. I was selfish, crafty, deceitful and slapdash—where was my fear of God? I was profoundly corrupt, I bore no semblance to man, and yet still I wished to be blessed by God. How foolish I was! I was blind, I did not know God’s disposition. I looked back on the path I had taken: Where was there any genuine testimony? There was regret in my heart, I truly repented to God. I wished only to pursue the truth and begin anew.
3 God’s judgment saved me, it cleansed my corruption. His words judged, chastised, and tested me, expelling my motivation to be blessed. I understood that life only has value and meaning when one has gained the truth. Trusting that all God does is righteous, I should obey Him absolutely. God has endured pain and humiliation, He expresses the truth to save man. Yet I had repaid Him nothing; my heart was filled with regret and anxiety. How could I let God continue His agonized yearning and waiting? Whether I would be blessed or suffer misfortune, I resolved to perform my duty properly, to complete my mission and testify to God.