184 Renewing My Oath to Love God

1 Holding God’s words in both hands, my feelings of remorse are hard to talk about. God’s word is the truth, I hate that I didn’t pursue it in earnest. I once vowed and pledged, saying that my God-loving heart would never change. Hunted by Satan and slandered by people, my heart quaked and I fled. When trials befell, I became dispirited and collapsed, but I still held on to ideas of my future and my fate. My past enthusiasm was blown away by the winds, I became disheartened and lost hope, and I resigned myself to despair. Seeing my own degenerate semblance, my dejected eyes, my disconsolate face, I wondered: How did it come to this?

2 By holding myself up against God’s words and reflecting on myself, my heart finally awakens to the truth. I said I loved God but I didn’t dedicate my true heart to Him, but instead I always made deals with God. Without ridding myself of the motivation to receive blessings, how could I devote my heart to God? I see how deeply corrupted I am, without conscience or reason. Now my oath has become a lie, branded on my heart. I am too ashamed to see God’s face and I hate myself for hurting God’s heart. I am left with eternal guilt and regret. Unbearable memories lie hidden, buried in my heart. I long to be able to clear my debt.

3 God pays an exhaustive price to express the truth to provide for man. Judgment, chastisement, trials and exposing—God does all this just to cleanse and save man. Never has He asked for anything in return, He longs to gain our hearts. Seeing how deplorable I am, my heart burns with anxiety. God’s pure, immaculate love warms my heart. If I still didn’t pursue the truth, I would feel ashamed to receive His love. How can I ask God to keep waiting around for me? I renew my oath to love God: I dedicate my heart and mind to Him, and I shall complete my mission and bear witness to God.

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