202 A Heartfelt Repentance

1 In a sleepless night so many memories come to mind. For so many years of belief in the Lord, I still followed the world trend. I kept living in sin, I was debauched and reveled in the pleasures of the flesh. I thought that if I worked hard, I would not be rejected by the Lord. I heard the voice of God, and recognized that the Lord had appeared. And so I thought that I would be raised before God and have my part in the kingdom of heaven. Never did I accept the judgment and revelation of God’s words and reflect upon myself. I followed my desires and acted willfully, treated God’s words with contempt. Fellowshiping about God’s words I only spoke of doctrine and felt I did well. When pruned and dealt with I resisted and made excuses. When beset by trials, I always wanted to flee; I did not know God’s salvation. Now, I see that I did not pursue the truth at all. I have strayed far from God’s words, I have fallen into boundless darkness. Unable to sense God’s presence, there is fear and unease in my heart. Fearing and trembling, I bow down before God, afraid of losing Him. I read God’s words and pray to God, longing for His mercy.

2 Oh God! Can You hear my heart crying out with repentance? How dark and painful the loss of Your presence is! There is no light without Your words in my heart. I live within a corrupt disposition and Satan toys with me. Oh God! I wish to repent, to begin anew. I would that You judge and chastise me more. Even if the harsher trials and refinement come, as long as I can live before You I can suffer anything. I am so deeply corrupted, I cannot be purified without Your judgment. Only judgment can save me from Satan. Oh God! I have tasted that judgment and chastisement are love. Your words are the truth, the way and the life. I will follow Your footsteps closely till the end. No matter how rocky the road ahead is, I resolve to unswervingly follow and serve You for all of my days!

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