By Xinrui, South Korea

It was a day in 2016 when I suddenly received a letter reporting me. It was written by two sisters I had previously dismissed. They reported that I acted arbitrarily in my duties at their church, selected two false leaders, and that one of the false leaders, Zhang, was an evildoer, whose disruptions nearly paralyzed the work of the entire church. They also said if I had listened to their advice at the time or asked around more among the brothers and sisters, I wouldn’t have chosen two false leaders or caused such great harm to the church’s work. At the time, I was stunned. I thought, “How could this be? This must be a mistake.” I was really scared, but I still couldn’t really accept this fact. I had bad opinions of the two sisters who wrote the letter, and thought they were deliberately trying to get revenge on me. They were originally church leaders, but they had poor caliber and didn’t do real work. They shielded and protected false leaders, and condemned those who reported them, so eventually I dismissed them. I recalled how I had sought their opinions when I chose Zhang. All they had said was that Zhang had poor humanity and couldn’t cooperate with others. They never specifically said she was an evildoer. But now that Zhang had been revealed, they were reporting me. Well, hindsight is 20/20. I thought they were unhappy about being dismissed and wanted to get back at me. Besides, at that time, the CCP’s arrests were so severe that we couldn’t hold elections, and there were no suitable candidates. Zhang had somewhat better caliber and more discernment than the others, so in that situation, who else would I choose? Someone had to be chosen as a leader. I also inquired with several people about Zhang, and no one said she was an evildoer. Everyone makes mistakes in their duties. Who can discern someone’s essence at first glance? It’s normal for unsuitable leaders to be selected. Who can guarantee the right person is always chosen? It seemed to me these two were just nitpicking, trying to stir up trouble. At that time, I kept trying to justify myself. I was very resistant to the report letter. But the report letter clearly stated that these two had indeed been revealed as false leaders, and Zhang as an evildoer, and as leaders, they did serious damage to church work and the life entry of God’s chosen people. Faced with the facts, I couldn’t justify it. I reluctantly admitted that I couldn’t see through them, that I was arrogant, and used people blindly. But I didn’t genuinely reflect or try to understand my own problems, and eventually the matter passed.

Later, when my leader learned about this, he exposed me for using an evildoer as a leader, not listening to reminders, and being arrogant. That was when I finally started to become aware of it. Had I really made a mistake? Was I really too arrogant and self-important? But in that situation, how could I have done otherwise? I didn’t understand where I had gone wrong. Later, I recalled a passage of God’s word: “The more you feel that in certain areas you have done well or have done the right thing, and the more you think you can satisfy God’s will or are able to boast in certain areas, then the more it is worth it for you to know yourself in those areas and the more it is worth it for you to dig deep into them to see what impurities exist in you, as well as what things in you cannot satisfy God’s will. … This is because you certainly have not unearthed, paid attention to, or dissected the aspects of yourself which you believe to be good, in order to see whether or not they actually contain anything that resists God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Recognizing Your Misguided Views Can You Know Yourself). God’s word awakened me, and gave me a path of practice. Later, when I had time, I contemplated the matter, and after a period of reflection, I realized I was indeed too arrogant. Ever since I received the letter, I had been on the defensive. I felt the persecution was serious, that we couldn’t hold normal elections, and there were no suitable candidates. In that situation, Zhang was the best candidate available, and with no facts to prove her an evildoer, I thought I had made the best choice. No one could have predicted she would later be revealed as an evildoer. I certainly didn’t intentionally appoint an evildoer to disrupt the work of God’s house. So, the first time I saw the letter, I felt I had done no wrong and didn’t reflect or try to know myself, and I resisted and disliked the two sisters who wrote it. I even condemned them for trying to get revenge and deliberately finding fault in me. Thinking about it now, when I chose Zhang, these two sisters pointed out that Zhang had poor humanity. I knew they worried that choosing the wrong person as leader would damage the work of God’s house, but they couldn’t clearly see Zhang’s essence, so they didn’t dare condemn her as an evildoer. But I was too arrogant at that time and looked down on them. I felt most people they chose during their time as leaders were unsuitable, and that they couldn’t discern people, so there was no use considering their advice. When, after so much effort, I finally found someone to take over the work, they were picky and wouldn’t agree to it. So, I didn’t listen to them at all. Later, once I put myself aside, reflected, and sought the truth, I realized that there were indeed problems in how I chose leaders. Even without an election, I should have sought consent from those who understood the truth before choosing Zhang. At the time, I merely discussed it with my partner, and asked a few other people how they felt about Zhang. Of these, the two sisters who wrote the letter to report me disagreed with my choice, yet I didn’t investigate further. I simply relied on my own ideas and subjective assumptions in thinking that Zhang was a suitable leader. In this matter, on one hand, I didn’t ask those in the know to learn more about Zhang’s usual behavior, and on the other hand, I didn’t seek from those who understood the truth or from the Above. More importantly, when presented with differing suggestions, I denied and ignored the opinions of others and arbitrarily appointed Zhang as a leader based on my own ideas. I truly was acting wildly. Also, God’s house has stressed over and over that evildoers and the deceitful cannot be chosen as leaders. When my two sisters said Zhang had poor humanity, if I really had fear of God in my heart, I would have asked more people who knew her, found out the facts of Zhang’s humanity, and determined whether she was an evildoer. If I still wasn’t sure after investigating and there was no one else suitable, and Zhang really seemed to be the best candidate, I could use her while observing her, then dismiss her once I discovered she was bad and not on the right path. This wouldn’t cause disruption to the work of God’s house. It wouldn’t have been like what I did, simply selecting someone, being happy with it, then paying it no mind. What I thought was right was based entirely on my own ideas, notions, and imagination. I had been self-righteous and stubbornly insisted on my own ideas, and the result was that I let an evildoer serve as a leader for over a year, which caused all of the church’s work to be nearly paralyzed. This was when I finally realized that I hadn’t just made a small error in selecting a leader, I had done evil, something that seriously resisted God. For God’s chosen to follow God, pursue the truth and be saved, they must have a good leader, but I didn’t treat choosing a leader as a serious matter at all. I didn’t have any fear of God in my heart. Not only did I fail to choose a good leader for my brothers and sisters, I installed an evildoer and harmed God’s chosen people. I wasn’t taking responsibility or caring for the lives of my brothers and sisters at all. With my attitude toward my duty, how could I be fit to be a leader? In choosing a leader, I was so rash, reckless and careless, and so arrogant and self-righteous that when others tried to remind me, I paid them no mind. I was domineering and arbitrary, and as a result, the church’s work and the life entry of my brothers and sisters were seriously damaged. There was no way I could make up for what I’d done. I chose an evil leader for my brothers and sisters and did so much evil, but when my two sisters reported and exposed me, I didn’t feel any guilt or remorse, but instead defended myself. I was so stubborn and despicable!

After that, I reflected on myself: Why was I so arrogant and domineering that I couldn’t take advice or seek the principles of the truth? What kind of disposition was this? How did God see the matter? One day, I came across this passage of God’s word: “Some people are always self-righteous and insist on their own way, saying, ‘I won’t listen to anybody. Even if I do, it will be for appearances’ sake—I won’t change. I’ll do things my way; I feel that I’m right, that I am completely justified.’ You may indeed be justified and there may be no major fault in what you do; you may not have made any mistakes, and you may have a better understanding of the technical aspects of an issue than others, yet once others see you behaving and practicing in this way, they will say: ‘This person’s disposition is no good! When something happens to them, they disregard what anyone else might have to say, right or wrong, refusing to accept it, contradicting it all the way. Such a person does not accept the truth.’ And if everyone else says you do not accept the truth, what would God think? Is God able to see this behavior of yours or not? God can see it all too clearly. God not only sees into the innermost heart of man, but also watches everything you say and do at all times and in all places. And, when He sees these things, what will He say? He will say: ‘You are hardened. You stick to your guns in cases where you are in the right, and you stick to your guns and refuse to change in cases where you know full well that you are in the wrong. Whatever anyone suggests, you adopt passive resistance. You refuse to accept a single jot of the suggestions of others. Your whole heart is filled with contradiction, closure, and refusal. You are truly difficult!’ Wherein does the difficulty lie? What is difficult about you is that your behavior is not a mistaken way of doing things or a mistaken kind of conduct, but rather that it reveals a certain kind of disposition. What kind of disposition does it reveal? You detest the truth and you regard the truth with enmity. Once you have been determined to regard the truth with enmity, then as God sees it, you are in trouble. With people, the worst that could happen is, they might say, ‘This person’s disposition is no good—they’re pig-headed and brash! They’re hard to get along with, don’t put the truth into practice, and they neither love the truth nor will they ever accept it.’ The worst that could happen is that everyone will give you this kind of an assessment, but would such an assessment be able to decide your fate? People wouldn’t be able to decide your fate by giving you an assessment, but there’s something you shouldn’t forget, and that is, God sees into the human heart, and at the same time He also watches everything that a human being does and says. If God has made this determination about you and says that you treat the truth with enmity, rather than merely saying that you have something of a corrupt disposition and are somewhat disobedient—would this be a big matter or a small one? (It would be big.) In that case, there’s trouble in store for you. This trouble has to do, not with how people see you or how they assess you, but with how God sees this corrupt disposition of yours that regards the truth with enmity. Well then, how would God see you? Would He say, ‘They view the truth with enmity; they do not love the truth’? Is that how God would see you? Where does the truth come from? Who does the truth stand for? (It stands for God.) Well then, you have a go at delving into this, if someone regards the truth with enmity, how would this look to God? (That they are an enemy of God.) Wouldn’t this be a serious matter? A person who looks on the truth with enmity would in their heart look on God with enmity. Why do I say they look on God with enmity? Did this person curse God? Did they rebel against Him to His face? Did they say anything behind His back? No, they did not. Some of you may say, ‘When one reveals this kind of disposition, does it mean they look on God with enmity? Isn’t this making a mountain out of a molehill?’ It is indeed to look on God with enmity, and such situations play out with dire consequences. That is to say, when a person has this kind of disposition, then they are capable of revealing this kind of disposition at any time and in any place, and if they go on living in a state of reliance on it, will they or will they not oppose God? When they meet with an issue involving the truth, involving the choices they make, if they cannot accept the truth but go on living in a state of reliance on their corrupt disposition, then they will naturally oppose God and betray Him. That is because this kind of corrupt disposition is none other than a disposition that looks on God, and on the truth, with enmity” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. If You Cannot Always Live Before God, You Are a Nonbeliever). God’s word pointed out the essence and crux of the problem, and struck back at my notions, especially this part of God’s word: “Your behavior is not a mistaken way of doing things or a mistaken kind of conduct, but rather that it reveals a certain kind of disposition. What kind of disposition does it reveal? You detest the truth and you regard the truth with enmity.” This section pierced my heart, and really hit me hard. I didn’t expect that the arrogant disposition I had revealed was, to God, loathing, detesting, and not accepting the truth. This is the disposition of an evildoer and an antichrist. If I were defined by God as someone who loathes and detests the truth, then this would make me a devil, a Satan, and unable to be saved. At that moment, I finally began to feel afraid. Although I knew I had arrogant and self-righteous dispositions, didn’t want to accept others’ advice, and made many transgressions because of this, yet I merely acknowledged it. Sometimes, I even thought arrogance was a common trait of corrupt humans and not easy to change, so I forgave myself and didn’t treat it as a serious problem I needed to resolve. Because of this, in my duty I often revealed my arrogant disposition, yet thought nothing of it. I just felt remorseful and upset when I was pruned and dealt with, and still often involuntarily revealed it again afterward. Those who knew me evaluated me as arrogant and self-righteous, and in the work my leader gave me, he often reminded and instructed me not to be arrogant and self-righteous and to listen to the opinions of others. He feared that my arrogance would harm the work of God’s house. Through what God’s word revealed, I finally saw that I was arrogant and didn’t accept the truth, and so no matter how right or beneficial to the work of God’s house others’ advice was, I stubbornly clung to my own ideas, and if anyone fellowshiped on the principles of truth or suggested things against my notions, I disliked and resisted them. I hated and refused to tolerate anyone who exposed me. This showed that I had the antichrist’s disposition of hating and detesting the truth. I recalled how my two sisters warned me about the person I chose out of fear I would let an evildoer harm the church, but I didn’t listen to their advice at all and stubbornly insisted on my own views. Now that the two sisters no longer felt constrained by my position, they wrote a report letter to expose my problems, and they did it to protect the work of the church, but it also served as a warning to me. Yet I didn’t reflect or try to know myself, and in my heart I detested them, ostracized them, and even judged and condemned them for pointing out my faults. My attitude was nothing other than loathing and hatred of the truth. Later, I read another passage of God’s word: “What kind of people, do you think, are those who detest the truth? Are they those who resist and oppose God? They might not openly resist God, but their nature and essence is to deny and resist God, which is tantamount to openly telling God, ‘I do not like hearing what You say, I do not accept it, and because I do not accept that Your words are the truth, I do not believe in God. I believe in whoever is profitable and beneficial to me.’ Is this the attitude of unbelievers? (Yes.) If this is your attitude toward the truth, are you not being openly hostile to God? And if you are openly hostile to God, will God save you? (No.) Such is the reason for God’s wrath toward all who deny and resist God. The essence of people like this, who detest the truth, is the essence of hostility to God. God does not treat people who have such an essence as people. What does He treat them as? As enemies and devils. He would never save them; in the end, they shall be plunged into disaster and destroyed” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Understanding the Truth Is Crucial to Fulfilling One’s Duty Properly). God says our attitude toward the truth is our attitude toward Him, so by hating and detesting the truth, I showed hatred and hostility to God. Those who hate the truth are evildoers, devils and Satans, true representatives of Satan. If the advice of my sisters came from the Holy Spirit, accorded with the truth, and benefited the work of God’s house, yet I was arrogant, didn’t accept it or seek the truth, then I was going against the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit, and was directly resisting God and offending His disposition. Once I understood this, I grew even more scared, because I knew my problem was serious. It wasn’t, as I had thought, as simple as being arrogant and not accepting others’ advice. It involved my attitude toward the work of the Holy Spirit and toward God, as well as my resistance to God.

Later, my leader also analyzed me regarding this matter, and said, “When you chose the evildoer, others reminded you this person had serious problems, yet you didn’t listen, and trusted only in your own views. If your views have a basis in God’s word, then you can trust in yourself. But if they don’t, if they are your own absurd notions, then your trust in yourself is a problem with your humanity. You weren’t acting according to principles, you lack upright humanity. You were being irrational and unreasonable.” After I heard my leader’s analysis, it really pierced my heart. I realized that not only did I have an arrogant disposition, I also had problems with my humanity, and didn’t treat people fairly. Once I had chosen someone and planned to use them, I didn’t accept others’ criticism of them. The people who gave suggestions were those I looked down on and who had been dismissed, so I turned my chin up and paid no heed to their advice. I figured that those who had been dismissed for not doing their duties well couldn’t offer any good advice. In my heart, I had completely rejected those two sisters. I was acting like such a snob. I treated and selected people based on my own emotions and ideas. I couldn’t treat people fairly according to the principles of truth. It shows that my humanity, character and disposition all had problems. If I continued as a leader, then I would be a false leader or an antichrist, and all that would do to God’s chosen people is harm them. The more I reflected, the more serious I felt my problem was. Because of my arrogance, I didn’t listen to my brothers’ and sisters’ advice on church work and major issues, which caused so much harm to the work of God’s house. In my course of belief in God, this was a stain and an evil deed. I felt really upset and guilty.

I began to wonder why I was always so arrogant. Why did I always involuntarily do evil and resist God? What was the root cause? God’s word gave me the answer: “If, in your heart, you truly understand the truth, then you will know how to practice the truth and obey God, and will naturally embark on the path of pursuing the truth. If the path you walk is the right one, and in line with God’s will, then the work of the Holy Spirit will not leave you—in which case there will be less and less chance of you betraying God. Without the truth, it is easy to do evil, and you will do it despite yourself. For example, if you have an arrogant and conceited disposition, then being told not to oppose God makes no difference, you can’t help yourself, it is beyond your control. You would not do it on purpose; you would do it under the domination of your arrogant and conceited nature. Your arrogance and conceit would make you look down on God and see Him as being of no account; they would cause you to exalt yourself, constantly put yourself on display; they would make you scorn others, they would leave no one in your heart but yourself; they would make you think yourself superior to both other people and God, and ultimately cause you to sit in the place of God and demand that people submit to you, venerating your thoughts, ideas, and notions as the truth. See how much evil is done by people under the dominance of their arrogant and conceited nature!” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Achieve a Change in Disposition). That’s right. I was so arrogant and so wildly unreasonable. I was always so confident in myself, as if my views and opinions were the truth, and I didn’t allow others to question me, let alone offer different suggestions. In the matter of choosing a leader, for example, God’s house clearly stipulates that wicked and deceitful people cannot be selected as leaders. This is forbidden, and a very serious issue. When my two sisters reminded me of Zhang’s poor humanity, I only asked a few people to investigate it, and due to my subjective assumptions, I blindly denied their advice. I didn’t seek with those who understood the truth, nor did I learn the difference between someone with poor humanity or with an evildoer’s essence, or try to find out the specific reason Zhang couldn’t cooperate with others, if it was a case of a dispositional problem or vicious humanity. If it was just a matter of corrupt disposition and she could accept the truth, then she would change and couldn’t be defined as evil. If she was someone who was vicious and detested the truth, she was an evildoer. No matter how she was dealt with for the evil things she did, she would not accept it, nor would she ever sincerely repent. If I had sought the truth at that time, and evaluated Zhang’s typical behavior by the essence of evildoers, I would have had some discernment of her, wouldn’t have insisted on using her, and could have avoided causing such harm to the church’s work. The resulting consequences were entirely due to me being too arrogant and not seeking the principles of truth. If I had even the slightest fear of God and obedience to God, I wouldn’t have made such a big mistake or done such evil. My brothers and sisters wouldn’t have had to suffer or see their lives harmed, and I wouldn’t have made such an irreparable transgression. I felt that I was too rigid and stubborn. From my heart, I detested and cursed myself. I prayed to God to say I wished to genuinely repent.

Later, I read another passage of God’s word and found a path of practice. Almighty God says, “How should you reflect on yourself, and try to know yourself, when you have done something that violates the principles of the truth and is displeasing to God? When you were about to do that thing, did you pray to Him? Did you ever ponder, ‘How would this matter be viewed by God if it were brought before Him? Would He be happy or irritated if He knew about it? Would He detest it?’ You did not seek it out, did you? Even if others reminded you, you would still think that the matter was no big deal, and that it did not run against any principles and was not a sin. As a result, you offended God’s disposition and provoked Him to great anger, even to the point of His despising you. If you had sought and examined, and seen the matter clearly before acting, would you then not have gotten a handle over it? Even though there can be times when people’s state is not good, or negative, if they solemnly take everything they are planning on doing before God in prayer, and then seek the truth on the basis of God’s words, they will not make any major mistakes. When practicing the truth, it is hard for people to avoid making mistakes, but if you know how to do things in accordance with the truth when you do them, yet you do not carry them out in accordance with truth, then the problem is that you have no love for the truth. The disposition of a person without love for the truth will not be changed. If you cannot accurately grasp God’s will, and do not know how to practice, then you should fellowship with others and seek the truth. And if the others also are struggling, too, then you should pray together and seek from God, awaiting God’s time, waiting for Him to open up a way out. You may well figure out a solution that gives you a good way out, and this may well be born of the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. If you ultimately discover that in carrying it out this way you have made a slight error, then you should quickly correct it, and then God will not count this error as a sin. Because you had the right intentions when putting this matter into practice, and you were practicing in accordance with the truth and simply did not know the principles clearly, and your actions resulted in some errors, then this was an extenuating circumstance. However, nowadays many people merely rely on their own two hands to work and on their own minds to do this and that, and they seldom give any consideration to these questions: Does practicing this way conform to God’s will? Would God be happy if I did it this way? Would God trust me if I did it this way? Would I be putting the truth into practice if I did it this way? If God hears of this matter, would He be able to say, ‘You have done this correctly and suitably. Keep it up’? Are you able to carefully examine everything you do? Are you likely to use God’s words and God’s requirements as the basis for reflecting on everything you do, pondering whether acting thus is beloved by God or despised by God, and what God’s chosen ones will think when you do this, how they will evaluate it? You must keep trying to figure this out. If you know full well that this matter involves your own motives, then you must reflect on what your aim in doing it is, what the consequences will be, whether it is to satisfy yourself or God, whether doing this is beneficial for you or God’s chosen ones…. When you spend more time contemplating such things, asking yourself these questions, and searching, your mistakes will become smaller and smaller. Doing things in this manner will prove that you are a person who genuinely seeks the truth and that you are one who reveres God, because you are doing things in accordance with the direction that God requires, and in accordance with the principles of the truth” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Seeking God’s Will Is for the Sake of Practicing the Truth). God’s word gave me the principles of practice: In the future, no matter what I do, I must have a heart that fears God, and seek the truth and the principles by which to do things. Especially in matters involving the work and interests of God’s house, I can’t act blindly based on my own ideas. Otherwise, once I seriously harm God’s house or disrupt its work, then I’ll have done evil and sinned against God. In addition, I can’t decide alone how to perform my duties, nor can I do things my own way and be domineering. I must discuss things with my partners, seek more with brothers and sisters who understand the truth, and listen to opinions different from my own. Regardless of whether someone has status, special gifts or talents, I should humbly listen. In matters I don’t understand, I should seek with my leaders right away, learn the principles involved, and learn to act in accord with the truth and without offending God before taking action. This is how to resolve the problem of my arrogance and protect myself against doing evil and offending God’s disposition. More importantly, I must learn to deny myself. The more I consider something to be right, the more I must seek whether it accords with the principles of truth. In the past, I didn’t know myself, I had no self-awareness and was far too sure of myself. Only after this painful lesson did I see that when I was sure of myself, when I didn’t think I could go wrong, and even when I had a firm basis for thinking I was right, the facts showed that not only was I mistaken, I was terribly, absurdly, and hatefully mistaken, and the consequences were disastrous. In the past, I committed so many transgressions because of my arrogance. At the time, I really thought I was right, and sometimes even used God’s words as a basis, but, later, the facts revealed that I was wrong, because I didn’t understand God’s word or the principles, and I used God’s word indiscriminately. Once I realized this, I admitted from the heart that I lacked the realities of truth, couldn’t see people or matters clearly, and that some of my views were absurd and ridiculous. On top of that, I had low caliber, and didn’t think things through or understand the truth. I only knew some doctrines and followed some rules. At that moment, I submitted completely. I felt I was completely worthless, that I was poor and pathetic, and I no longer wanted to insist on my own views.

Later, when others offer suggestions different from mine, whenever I want to insist on my way, I think back on this painful lesson. I recall how many views I believed were definitely correct were wrong by every measure of truth, and were condemned by God. I no longer dare insist on my own views, so I seek the views and advice of others. Sometimes when discussing things, I unknowingly want to deny other people’s views, but when I realize I’m doing this, I quickly ask what the majority of people think, because I fear not following the right advice, thus harming the work of God’s house. In matters where I think I’ve done the right thing, I don’t dare decide on my own anymore, and I can consciously ask for advice from my partners in the matter or seek with my leaders and co-workers. Doing this makes me feel more at ease, and also avoids harm to the work of God’s house due to acting arbitrarily. Although I sometimes still show an arrogant disposition, I think I’ve improved somewhat.

Without the judgment and revelations of God’s word, what my brothers and sisters reported and exposed, or being repeatedly exposed and dealt with by God, I wouldn’t know myself, much less would I deny myself. Today, the little change that I’ve achieved, the fact that I have some humanity and reason, is purely the result of God’s work! This is also the effect achieved by the judgment of God’s word. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for saving me.