By Yifan, China

I got allergic asthma when I was 28. Whenever it flares up, I can’t breathe, and I feel so suffocated that my head starts to spin. At night, I can’t even lie down; I have to sit upright against something, and I just have to stay like that the whole night. Back then, I was frequently hospitalized for treatment, and the suffering from my illness left me both physically and mentally exhausted. I remember one time, I was seriously ill and couldn’t breathe, and after being hospitalized for more than ten days, my condition still didn’t improve, and even with an IV and oxygen, I was still suffocating and drenched in sweat. The hospital couldn’t treat me, so they arranged for me to be transferred to a larger hospital. My family carried me on a stretcher, and as soon as we reached the hospital entrance, I passed out. At that time, I thought it might be the end for me, but after ten days of emergency treatment, my condition was brought under control. After being discharged, I recuperated at home. I lived cautiously every day, afraid that even the slightest slip-up would trigger my illness again. One day, I went to see the doctor. The doctor said, “Your illness is one of the four major medical challenges in the world. It’s already good that the symptoms can be controlled, but there’s no chance of a cure. You should always have emergency medication with you, because if treatment is delayed, it could be life-threatening.” It was pretty disheartening to hear this. How could I have ended up with such an illness at such a young age? Whenever I thought about that time when I was critically ill and near death, I’d shudder with fear. For the next ten-plus years, I sought medical treatment everywhere, but none of it addressed the root cause, and over the years, my body became extremely weak. The torment of illness made me lose hope in life. In 2009, my mother preached God’s gospel of the last days to me. By reading God’s words, I understood that this is God’s final stage of the work of salvation for humanity. Being able to accept God’s work of the last days in my lifetime was a great blessing! I thought, “As long as I pursue properly, healing my illness should be a small matter for God. Maybe I will even get to see the beauty of the kingdom!” It was like an oasis in the desert—and I regained hope in life. After that, I started doing my duty in the church. Slowly, I felt that my illness was not as severe as before. Although I still had frequent flare-ups, I could manage them with some medication. I kept thanking God in my heart, and I became even more motivated in my duty. One time, I met a sister who had believed in God for a long time. She said she’d had the same illness as mine before she found God. After she found God, she kept doing her duty in the church, and without realizing it, she’d recovered from her illness. I thought to myself, “God could heal her, so He can surely heal me too. It’s just that I haven’t paid enough of a price yet and that I’m not worthy. Once I expend myself more, God won’t let me down.”

Later, I took on text-based duties. I thought to myself, “Being able to do text-based duties is God’s grace and elevation, so I have to do this wholeheartedly. Perhaps God will see my willingness to pay a price and ease my suffering. God is almighty, and maybe He can completely heal my illness.” With this mindset, I worked from dawn to dusk every day, and my duty also yielded some results. By 2017, because some medicines became less effective when used long-term, and because good medicines were too expensive for me, I could only rely on hormone medication to keep my illness under control and keep doing my duty. I thought to myself, “All these years, I’ve not been constrained by this illness and have continued doing my duty. Perhaps God will see my expenditure and one day heal my illness. Then I’ll be able to do my duty like a normal person. Wouldn’t that be wonderful!” Just as I was dreaming about this, my illness not only didn’t get better, but it worsened. Because I had been taking hormone medication for a while, side effects started appearing, and my body began to swell. Seeing my condition, the supervisor had no choice but to arrange for me to go home for treatment. I felt extremely negative and miserable, thinking, “My illness has become so severe. I don’t even know if I’ll live to see tomorrow, let alone the beautiful scenes of God’s kingdom in the future.” As I thought about this, without even realizing it, tears began streaming down my face, and in my heart, I began to complain, “Oh God! All these years, I’ve braved wind and rain to do my duty, enduring numerous hardships and paying a price. My duty has also yielded results, so why haven’t You protected me? If I die like this, won’t all my expenditure have been meaningless? God, are You using this illness to reveal and eliminate me? If I had known this would happen, I would have focused on treating my illness and taking care of my body. Then I wouldn’t have ended up like this.” The more I thought about it, the more wronged I felt. After that, I neither ate nor drank God’s words nor prayed. I lived in a daze every day, like a walking corpse. I felt really distant from God, as if He had abandoned me. I was quite afraid, so I prayed to God, “God, I know my state is wrong, but I don’t know what lesson I should learn. Please enlighten and guide me to understand my problem.”

One day, I read God’s words: “When people begin to believe in God, which of them does not have their own aims, motivations, and ambitions? Even though one part of them believes in the existence of God and has seen the existence of God, their belief in God still contains those motivations, and their ultimate aim in believing in God is to receive His blessings and the things they want. In people’s life experiences, they often think to themselves: ‘I’ve given up my family and career for God, and what has He given me? I must add it up, and confirm it—have I received any blessings recently? I’ve given a lot during this time, I’ve run and run, and have suffered much—has God given me any promises in return? Has He remembered my good deeds? What will my end be? Can I receive God’s blessings? …’ Every person constantly makes such calculations within their heart, and they make demands of God which bear their motivations, ambitions, and a transactional mentality. This is to say, in his heart man is constantly testing God, constantly devising plans about God, constantly arguing the case for his own individual outcome with God, and trying to extract a statement from God, seeing whether or not God can give him what he wants. At the same time as pursuing God, man does not treat God as God. Man has always tried to make deals with God, ceaselessly making demands of Him, and even pressing Him at every step, trying to take a mile after being given an inch. At the same time as trying to make deals with God, man also argues with Him, and there are even people who, when trials befall them or they find themselves in certain situations, often become weak, negative and slack in their work, and full of complaints about God. From the time when man first began to believe in God, he has considered God to be a cornucopia, a Swiss Army knife, and he has considered himself to be God’s greatest creditor, as if trying to get blessings and promises from God were his inherent right and obligation, while God’s responsibility were to protect and care for man, and to provide for him. Such is the basic understanding of ‘belief in God’ of all those who believe in God, and such is their deepest understanding of the concept of belief in God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). “Man’s relationship with God is merely one of naked self-interest. It is a relationship between a receiver and a giver of blessings. To put it plainly, it is the relationship between an employee and an employer. The employee works hard only to receive the rewards bestowed by the employer. There is no affection in such an interests-based relationship, only transaction. There is no loving or being loved, only charity and mercy. There is no understanding, only helpless suppressed indignation and deception. There is no intimacy, only an uncrossable chasm. Now that things have gotten to this point, who can reverse such a course? And how many people are capable of truly understanding how dire this relationship has become? I believe that when people immerse themselves in the joy of being blessed, none can imagine how embarrassing and unsightly such a relationship with God is” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Appendix 3: Man Can Only Be Saved Amidst God’s Management). What God exposed was my true state. I felt pierced to the heart, distressed, ashamed, and humiliated. Over these years of believing in God, on the surface, even while suffering from illness, I’d risen early and worked late to do my duty, and though I seemed loyal to God, considerate of His intentions, and seeking to satisfy Him, my true intention was to use my expenditure and achievements as capital to have God heal my illness. I saw these things as bargaining chips to secure salvation and enter God’s kingdom. Everything I did was for my own blessings and benefits, and I was trying to make deals with God. I wasn’t truly fulfilling my duty to satisfy God. I thought about my incurable disease, and about how the years of pain and suffering made me lose the will to live, but in my pain and despair, God’s gospel came to me, and seeing God’s authority and power, I placed my hope in Him. Especially when I saw a sister recover after finding God, I thought that as long as I was willing to endure suffering in my duty, God would not let me down. I believed He would not only heal my illness but also bring me into His kingdom to enjoy eternal life. So, whatever duty the church arranged for me, I accepted and submitted, and I took medicine to manage my illness and never delayed my duty. But when my illness worsened instead of improving, and I even faced the threat of death, I immediately turned against God, feeling that God was being unrighteous to me. I lived in a negative state, complaining about and misunderstanding God. I neither read God’s words nor prayed, and I even regretted my previous expenditure. Viewing myself in light of the exposure of God’s words, I realized my relationship with God was one of naked self-interest, like that of an employee and an employer. My toil and sacrifices were all to gain benefits from God, and I was using and deceiving God. I never truly treated God as God. I thought back to my severe illness I suffered in my 20s, and I knew that without God’s protection, I would have long since died. How else would I have kept on living? It was God who granted me a second life and who had allowed me to live to this point. But instead of being grateful, I used my expenditure to demand blessings and grace from God. I truly lacked humanity and was unworthy of God’s salvation. I thought of Paul. Although he toiled and sacrificed, he didn’t do so for the sake of his duty but to gain blessings and a crown. In the end, in his rebelliousness, he said, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: From now on there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness” (2 Timothy 4:7-8). He offended God’s disposition. If I didn’t repent and change, and kept demanding blessings and grace from God, I would ultimately be spurned and eliminated by God like Paul. Recognizing this, I felt even more regretful, and I hated myself for believing in God for so many years without pursuing the truth. I had gone down the wrong path of pursuing blessings. I prayed to God, “God, in all these years of believing in You, I haven’t shown any love toward You or tried to repay You. I have only ever tried to use You. I have been utterly devoid of humanity! God, I wish to rebel against myself and stop trying to make deals with You.”

After that, through medication and inhaler treatments, my illness was relatively well controlled. In April 2022, I resumed my text-based duties. I cherished this opportunity. During this time, I did my duty as best I could and with all my heart, and the results of my duty were fairly good. I knew this was God’s grace and protection. In the blink of an eye, it was September 2023, and my asthma suddenly worsened. Medication and injections proved ineffective, and I had no choice but to go to the provincial hospital for treatment. After much difficulty, my condition finally became stable. But before long, my asthma flared up again. I could only inhale but not exhale, leaving me dizzy and lightheaded, and I felt that I was in constant danger of losing my life. I had no choice but to return home to recover. The thought of going home left me extremely discouraged and hopeless, and I couldn’t help but break into tears. I thought to myself, “I’ve worked so hard in my duty, endured so much suffering, and paid a great price, so why does my illness keep coming back? Why does it just keep getting worse and worse! Why doesn’t God consider my willingness to do my duty and protect and heal me? Does God not see my heart?” The more I thought about it, the more wronged I felt, and I believed that God was treating me unrighteously. I felt utterly hopeless about the future. Not only was my illness unlikely to be healed, but I felt my hopes of gaining salvation and entering the kingdom had become even more scant. At that time, a sister found a passage of God’s words for me based on my state: “When God arranges for someone to get an illness, whether major or minor, His purpose in doing so is not to make you appreciate the ins and outs of being sick, the harm the illness does to you, the inconveniences and difficulties the illness causes you, and all the myriad feelings the illness causes you to feel—His purpose is not for you to appreciate sickness through being sick. Rather, His purpose is for you to learn the lessons from sickness, to learn how to grasp God’s intentions, to know the corrupt dispositions you reveal and the wrong attitudes you adopt toward God when you’re sick, and to learn how to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, so that you can achieve true submission to God and be able to stand firm in your testimony—this is absolutely key. God wishes to save you and cleanse you through sickness. What about you does He wish to cleanse? He wishes to cleanse all your extravagant desires and demands toward God, and even cleanse the various calculations, judgments, and plans you make at all costs to survive and live. God does not ask you to make plans, He does not ask you to judge, and He does not allow you to have any extravagant desires toward Him; He requires only that you submit to Him and, in your practice and experience of submitting, to know your own attitude toward sickness, and to know your attitude toward these bodily conditions He gives to you, as well as your own personal wishes. When you come to know these things, you can then appreciate how beneficial it is for you that God has arranged the circumstances of the illness for you or that He has given you these bodily conditions; and you can appreciate just how helpful they are to changing your disposition, to you attaining salvation, and to your life entry. That is why, when illness comes calling, you must not always be wondering how you can escape it or flee from it or reject it. … You cannot say, ‘If I’m cured of this disease, then I’ll believe it is God’s great power, but if I’m not cured, then I’ll not be happy with God. Why did God give me this disease? Why does He not cure this disease? Why did I get this disease and not someone else? I don’t want it! Why do I have to die so early at such a young age? How come other people get to keep on living? Why?’ Don’t ask why, it is God’s orchestration. There is no reason, and you shouldn’t ask why. Asking why is rebellious talk, and this is not a question a created being should ask. Don’t ask why, there is no why. God has arranged things and planned things like this. If you ask why, then it can only be said that you are too rebellious, too intransigent. When something dissatisfies you, or God does not do as you wish or let you have your way, you become unhappy, you’re disgruntled, and you always ask why. So, God asks you, ‘As a created being, why haven’t you done your duty well? Why haven’t you faithfully performed your duty?’ And how will you respond? You say, ‘There is no why, this is just how I am.’ Is that acceptable? (No.) It’s acceptable for God to speak to you that way, but it’s not acceptable for you to speak to God in that way. You are standing in the wrong position, and you are too senseless” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words, I gained some understanding of God’s intention. God didn’t want me to live in my sickness and appreciate the ins and outs of being sick, nor to make me anxiously seek to escape my illness. Illness can be treated, but whether it can be cured or whether it will threaten my life is not up to humans. It is all under God’s sovereignty and predestination. What I had to do was submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, reflect on what corrupt dispositions and erroneous views I revealed in my illness, and seek the truth to resolve these things. This was the sense of reason I ought to possess. I thought about how I had no submission to God in my illness. When my condition worsened and I couldn’t do my duties, or when my life was even at risk, I didn’t seek the truth, but instead, I complained. I complained about God for not considering my suffering and expenditure and for not protecting me, and I believed that God was unrighteous. Although through previous experiences I had gained some understanding of my erroneous mindset of trying to make deals with God, there had been no true transformation. God knew my deficiencies and shortcomings, and through the recurrence of my illness, He exposed my despicable intentions in believing in Him again. Only then did I realize how deeply rooted my intentions to gain blessings were. The recurrence of my illness contained God’s good intention, and had come about to cleanse my corruptions and impurities. But I didn’t understand God’s work and complained that God was unrighteous. I misunderstood God, thinking He intended to eliminate me through my illness, and I saw that after all these years of faith, I still didn’t know God at all. I was truly poor, pitiful, and blind! Now I understood that though on the surface, I suffered a lot from this illness, behind it all was God’s painstaking intention, that this was God’s salvation for me, and that this was to get me to reflect on and know myself in my illness. Without this happening, I would have continued with my erroneous mindset behind my pursuit, and I’d just drift further from God’s requirements and ultimately walk a path of no return. Realizing this, my heart felt brighter, and I no longer complained about or misunderstood God.

Later, I thought of God’s words: “Righteousness is by no means fairness or reasonableness; it is not egalitarianism, or a matter of allocating to you what you deserve in accordance with how much work you have completed, or paying you for whatever work you have done, or giving you your due according to what effort you expend. This is not righteousness, it is merely being fair and reasonable. Very few people are capable of knowing God’s righteous disposition. Suppose God had eliminated Job after Job bore witness for Him: Would this be righteous? In fact, it would be. Why is this called righteousness? How do people view righteousness? If something is in line with people’s notions, it is then very easy for them to say that God is righteous; however, if they do not see that thing as being in line with their notions—if it is something that they are incapable of comprehending—then it would be difficult for them to say that God is righteous. If God had destroyed Job back then, people would not have said He was righteous. Actually, though, whether people have been corrupted or not, and whether they have been profoundly corrupted or not, does God have to justify Himself when He destroys them? Should He have to explain to people upon what basis it is that He does so? Must God tell people the rules He has ordained? There is no need. In God’s eyes, someone who is corrupt, and who is liable to oppose God, is without any worth; however God handles them will be appropriate, and all are the arrangements of God. If you were displeasing to God’s eyes, and if He said that He had no use for you after your testimony and therefore destroyed you, would this, too, be His righteousness? It would. You might not be able to recognize this right now from the facts, but you must understand in doctrine. What would you say—is God’s destruction of Satan an expression of His righteousness? (Yes.) What if He allowed Satan to remain? You dare not say, yes? God’s essence is righteousness. Though it is not easy to comprehend what He does, all that He does is righteous; it is simply that people do not understand. When God gave Peter to Satan, how did Peter respond? ‘Mankind is unable to fathom what You do, but all of what You do contains Your good will; there is righteousness in all of it. How can I not utter praise for Your wisdom and deeds?’ You should now see that the reason God does not destroy Satan in the time of His salvation of man is that humans may see clearly how Satan has corrupted them and the extent to which it has corrupted them, and how God purifies and saves them. Ultimately, when people have understood the truth and clearly seen Satan’s odious countenance, and beheld the monstrous sin of Satan’s corruption of them, God will destroy Satan, showing them His righteousness. The timing when God destroys Satan is filled with God’s disposition and wisdom. Everything that God does is righteous. Though humans may not be able to perceive God’s righteousness, they should not make judgments at will. If something He does appears to humans as unreasonable, or if they have any notions about it, and that leads them to say that He is not righteous, then they are being most unreasonable” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). From God’s words, I saw that I hadn’t understood God’s righteous disposition. I’d regarded God’s righteousness as the fairness and reasonableness that corrupt mankind perceives. I thought that since I believed in God, had paid a price, and had expended myself, God should heal my illness and grant me graces and blessings. When things aligned with my notions, I considered God to be righteous, but when God didn’t bless me, and things didn’t align with my notions and imaginings, I thought that God was unrighteous. I measured God’s righteous disposition entirely on whether I gained blessings and benefits, which is completely inconsistent with the truth. These views were truly distorted! In reality, regardless of how much one forsakes or expends after finding God, how much one suffers or how great a cost one bears, this is all what a created being should do. As for how God treats us—whether He gives grace and blessings, or heals the illness of the body—that is God’s prerogative, and corrupt mankind has no right to demand that God does this or that. What people should do is accept and submit, for this is the sense of reason they should have. But I self-righteously demanded that God heal me because of my expenditure. Was I not trying to make improper demands of God? The idea that I sacrificed and expended myself, and therefore God had to ensure everything went smoothly for me and heal my illness, and if He didn’t He was unrighteous—was this not just my own notions and wishful thinking? If God heals me, then this is His righteousness, and if He doesn’t heal me, then this too is His righteousness. No matter how serious my illness becomes, even if God lets me die, this is God’s righteousness. I couldn’t view God’s righteous disposition from the perspective of personal interests, but rather from the perspective of His essence. God is the Creator, and how we are treated is something we deserve and is righteous. I thought of how God handed Peter over to Satan. Peter was able to accept without complaining about or misunderstanding God, and he even said, “Mankind is unable to fathom what You do, but all of what You do contains Your good will; there is righteousness in all of it. How can I not utter praise for Your wisdom and deeds?” I am but a small created being, and whatever God does to me is fitting. Whether He will heal me or not, whether He will give me a good outcome or destination or not, I should accept and submit, for this demonstrates the possession of humanity and reason. Realizing this, I prayed to God, “God, I didn’t understand Your righteous disposition before, and I measured it by my own notions and imaginings. Now I understand that whatever You do is righteous. Even if my illness is not healed and I die, You are still righteous, and I will still thank and praise You!”

Later, I read more of God’s words: “Job did not talk of trades with God, and made no requests or demands of God. His praising of God’s name was because of the great power and authority of God in ruling all things, and it was not dependent on whether he gained blessings or was struck by disaster. He believed that regardless of whether God blesses people or brings disaster upon them, God’s power and authority will not change, and thus, regardless of a person’s circumstances, God’s name should be praised. That man is blessed by God is because of God’s sovereignty, and when disaster befalls man, so, too, it is because of God’s sovereignty. God’s power and authority rule over and arrange everything about man; the vagaries of man’s fortune are the manifestation of God’s power and authority, and no matter what perspective you view it from, God’s name should be praised. This is what Job experienced and came to know during the years of his life. All of Job’s thoughts and actions reached the ears of God and arrived before God, and were seen as important by God. God cherished this knowledge of Job, and treasured Job for having such a heart. This heart awaited God’s command always, and in all places, and no matter what the time or place it welcomed whatever befell him. Job made no demands of God. What he demanded of himself was to wait for, accept, face, and submit to all of the arrangements that came from God; Job believed this to be his duty, and it was precisely what was wanted by God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). After reading God’s words, my heart became bright, and I found a path of practice. Job believed in God without trying to make deals with Him, and whether he received blessings or suffered calamities, he was able to praise God. This was because he recognized God’s authority from all things and from his own experiences, and he knew it was God’s great power that was arranging and reigning sovereign over everything. No matter whether a person ultimately receives blessings or suffers, they should unconditionally submit to the Creator’s sovereignty and arrangements. Job had humanity and reason; he did not ask God to do anything. Instead, he required himself to always wait and accept and submit to everything that came from God. Job was honest, kind, and had true faith in God; ultimately, he stood witness in his testimony during trials and received God’s approval. I also wanted to emulate Job, and whether my illness would improve or not, or whatever my outcome might be, I would submit to God’s arrangements and orchestrations and no longer make my own choices. I prayed to God, “God, in the past I did not understand the truth. I was always troubled about whether my illness would be healed or whether I would have a good outcome or destination, and I lived in great suffering. Today, I am willing to entrust myself into Your hands, and whether I receive blessings or suffer, I will submit to Your sovereignty and arrangements.” After my perspective changed somewhat, I was able to find a great sense of ease and liberation. Afterward, I tried some folk remedies, and unexpectedly, my condition really came under control, and I was able to do my duties normally. Through this experience, I realized that without being revealed through illness, I couldn’t have recognized my despicable intentions to pursue blessings. Though I suffered some physical pain, I gained some understanding of my fallacious perspectives behind my pursuit, and I experienced some change. This was God’s love and salvation for me! Thank God!