191 God’s Words Awakened My Heart
1 I believed in God for many years, and although I often attended gatherings and read His words, I never accepted their judgment to dissect and examine myself. I merely acknowledged my corruption, without knowing my own nature or essence. Understanding a little doctrine, I boasted and thought that it was reality. I worked and preached without ever experiencing God’s words or putting them into practice. Just like Paul, I knew only how to seek reputation and status; I enjoyed being looked up to and worshiped, and deep down I felt fearless. I insisted on going my own way, yet I was smug and could not come to my senses.
2 Only by experiencing failures and setbacks did I clearly see the truth of my own corruption. Facing the judgment and chastisement of God’s words, I always argued and rationalized. I knew well that the truth was beneficial to people’s lives, but I could neither accept it nor submit to it. I performed my duty without adhering to any principles of the truth, and acted solely on my own desires. Whenever I encountered a minor setback, I would become negative and weak, and make determinations about myself. I now see how poor and pitiful I was: I possessed no reality of the truth. Despite having no self-knowledge, I showed myself off, and this was so shameful. Faced with the facts, I felt ashamed to the point that I lowered my haughty head.
3 Having experienced God’s judgment, trials, and exposure, I now know myself. My disposition is so arrogant and conceited, and I do not revere or submit to God at all. Instead, I am a hypocrite who cheats and resists God. How hateful I am! No matter how much I might rush about and work, if my disposition has not changed, then I still belong to Satan. Not gaining the truth or life after all these years of faith is such a humiliation. I have finally come to understand that if I am not seeking the truth, then I am just frittering away time. It is only thanks to God’s judgment and chastisement that I am able to truly repent. I wish for Him to judge, chastise, test, and refine me even more, so that I may be cleansed of my satanic disposition and live out a human likeness to glorify God.