226 What Exactly God’s Believers Should Seek
1 I had believed in the Lord for many years, and spread the gospel often, yet I was still unable to bear witness for God. I could only give testimony to enjoying His grace, but could not speak of any genuine knowledge of Him. Nevertheless, I still looked forward to being raptured into the kingdom of heaven when the Lord returned. How ridiculous it was! Now, undergoing judgment before the seat of Christ has made me utterly remorseful and ashamed; it turns out I did not know what to gain from believing in God. I just worked zealously without giving any consideration to God’s intentions. I was like Paul, striving with all my heart to gain rewards and a crown. Having believed in God for so many years without achieving a change in my disposition, I feel a deep sense of shame. After all, the point of God’s salvation of mankind is for us to gain life.
2 God’s judgment has shown me His love and blessings, and His words have revealed my satanic disposition and dealt with my arrogant nature; only now do I finally see how profoundly corrupted I am, and how little human likeness I have. When performing my duty, I just muddle through, lacking any genuine love for God. I want to bear witness for Him and repay His love, but I feel powerless. If I refrain from working hard to pursue the truth any longer, my existence would bring shame upon God. I am resolved and determined not to rest until I gain the truth. In order to do so, I will never give up no matter how much I suffer. I will never give up.