207 I’ll Never Again Walk Away From God
1 After I became a believer in God, there was a time when I started pursuing money and riches, when I turned my back on God and returned to the outside world. I spent my days rushing about for the flesh, exhausting both mind and body. Those days without God were days of pain. I had fallen into darkness, and my heart was filled with terror. Only after God’s strict chastening and discipline did I begin to reflect upon myself. I had never followed God sincerely, and I had never treasured God’s words. It broke God’s heart when I turned my back on my faith and renounced righteousness. I asked myself: Where is my conscience? I had no fear of God, I had violated His disposition, and yet I remained oblivious.
2 Only when God’s judgment and chastisement saved me did I become aware of my nature—a nature that betrays God. I bowed down before God, overcome with remorse, with guilt and self-recrimination in my heart. My hardness and rebelliousness had broken God’s heart; how could I erase the shameful things I’d done? It was God’s mercy and lovingkindness that gave me the chance to repent, allowing me to return to God’s house and perform my duty once more. I felt the true love of God, and in my heart was a greater sense of just how much I owed Him. I felt that there is righteousness and majesty in His disposition, as well as mercy and lovingkindness. I gave myself a new aim: to begin anew, to repay God’s love and bear testimony to Him.