By Lu Xi, China

In the autumn of 2023, the leader assigned me the duty of preaching the gospel. Since I had no experience in preaching the gospel, the leader had me partner with a sister for training. Although I lacked a lot, whenever I encountered problems I couldn’t solve, I would come before God to pray and seek, and I would also fellowship and discuss with the brothers and sisters. After training for a while, I made some progress. By the end of the year, the leader assigned me to take charge of the gospel work at a church. I was quite happy and felt that the leader valued me, and it seemed that I had some caliber.

Once, I went with Sister Han Ting to preach to Xiao Fang. She had been a believer in the Lord for over twenty years. After listening to our testimony of God’s work of the last days, she raised some religious notions. Since I had already equipped myself with the solutions to these religious notions when I wrote my sermons, when I fellowshipped, my fellowship was quite clear and on point. In the end, by reading Almighty God’s words, she became convinced of God’s work of the last days. During that time, Han Ting often said to other brothers and sisters, “I’ve been gaining a lot from preaching the gospel with Lu Xi. In the future, we should all preach the gospel just like she does. Every aspect of the truth should be fellowshipped in detail, so the effectiveness of solving problems will be good.” Hearing these words from the sister, I felt very pleased. Later, the leader asked me to share my experience of preaching the gospel this time during the gathering, and seeing the envious looks from the sisters present, I felt even more proud in my heart. After that, the evaluations of my fellowship of the truth being clear and detailed felt like a halo surrounding me, and I enjoyed such praise, feeling that my self-worth was being manifested. But after all, I’d only been preaching the gospel for a short time, and there were still many aspects of the truth I didn’t understand and couldn’t fellowship clearly, so in my heart, I had some concerns. I feared that in the future I might not fellowship well, and that brothers and sisters might then see through me as being just superficial, and that I didn’t understand many truths, and that then they wouldn’t think highly of me anymore. So I hurried to equip and supplement myself, looking for God’s words and relevant movies and videos to watch, thinking that if I understood more truths, I could fellowship more details, and I’d be able to hold on to everyone’s good evaluation of me. Later, when I fellowshipped and discussed with the team about the potential gospel recipients’ questions, if the truth we were fellowshipping in relation to their questions was something I was familiar with, I would fellowship without hesitation; but if the truth was something I wasn’t familiar with, and I hadn’t decided on the focus or approach for the fellowship, I would feel unsettled. I was afraid that the content of my fellowship would lack detail and clarity, and that everyone would see me for what I really was, and then my previous image of having clear and detailed fellowship would be greatly diminished. I remember one time during a discussion when the vision of truth that needed to be shared happened to be something I didn’t understand. To prevent everyone from seeing my shortcomings, I let others fellowship first. I said, “Let’s all brainstorm and practice fellowshipping together. Harmonious cooperation will make it easier to receive the Holy Spirit’s work.” Brothers and sisters then began fellowshipping and discussing, and I scrambled to get my thoughts together, planning to make a profound conclusion at the end. But because I didn’t fully understand the relevant truths, my fellowship was unclear and impractical, and the more I spoke, the drier it became. Seeing that the brothers and sisters didn’t react, I felt very awkward. After the gathering, I had a feeling of unease as I walked back. Thinking that I clearly didn’t know how to fellowship, but to save face, I feigned understanding and forced myself to say something even when I had nothing, I felt unsettled inside. I realized my state was wrong. But I just neglected to reflect upon myself once I got busy with my duty.

One day, during the process of preaching the gospel, the potential gospel recipients raised many questions, and I couldn’t find the right focus and key points. As a result, my fellowship was very disordered and didn’t bear fruit. Later, my partner, Sister Chen Hong, pointed out my shortcomings. After hearing this, I felt really anxious: “My sister found out that my fellowship was disordered, and if the team members find out too, they won’t praise or look up to me like they did before. I absolutely can’t let the others know about this mistake.” Later, when I gathered with the team, in order to cover my problem, I drew on relevant principles and said, “When preaching the gospel, we need to fellowship according to the difficulties or questions of the other person, but the issues of the potential gospel recipient can’t be understood right away, so we can only have a casual conversation, and during the conversation, it’s unavoidable that things will get a little scattered, but the ultimate goal is to find their problem and address it specifically.” When I saw the sisters nodding along, my anxious heart finally felt relief. After that, when I preached the gospel, I was afraid I would make another mistake and embarrass myself, so I told my partner, “You take the lead in speaking. This’ll give you an opportunity to get trained, and if you missed anything, I’ll supplement them.” So I carefully listened by the side, and spoke up after I had reached a clear understanding. This way, I could avoid making mistakes, and my previous good image wouldn’t be affected. During that time, I would always find various excuses to cover up my shortcomings, and I was terrified of losing my image in others’ hearts. As I walked along, I kept thinking about my potential shortcomings or moments in which I might have embarrassed myself during the day, my heart felt suppressed and exhausted, and my mind was muddled. I also couldn’t fellowship any new insights when preaching the gospel. One day, I read in the Bible that the Lord Jesus said: “For whoever has, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whoever has not, from him shall be taken away even that he has” (Matthew 13:12). At this moment, I finally realized that because I had been pursuing reputation and status, God had hidden His face from me, I’d lost the work of the Holy Spirit, and I couldn’t even carry out what I’d been able to do before. I prayed to God, “God, recently, when I preach the gospel, I’m always afraid of embarrassing myself, and I’ve said many things to cover up my shortcomings. I don’t know what corrupt disposition has caused this. God, I ask You to enlighten me so I can truly understand myself.”

Afterward, I read God’s words: “In their everyday lives, people often talk nonsense, tell lies, and say things that are ignorant, foolish, and defensive. Most of these things are said for the sake of vanity and pride, to satisfy their own egos. Speaking such falsehoods reveals their corrupt dispositions” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only an Honest Person Can Live Out True Human Likeness). “Which states are wicked when they manifest? Is it a wicked disposition when people use high-sounding statements to hide the wicked and shameful intents that lie in the depths of their hearts, and then make others believe that these statements are very good, aboveboard, and legitimate, and ultimately achieve their ulterior motives? Why is this called being wicked and not being deceitful? In terms of disposition and essence, deceitfulness is not quite as bad. Being wicked is more serious than being deceitful, it is a behavior that is more insidious and vile than deceitfulness, and it is difficult for the average person to see through it. … Wicked people, based on deceitfulness, use other means to cover up their deceit, conceal their sins, and hide their secret intentions, goals, and selfish desires. This is wickedness. Furthermore, they will use various means to entice, tempt, and seduce, making you follow their wishes and satisfy their selfish desires to achieve their goals. This is all wicked. This is an authentic satanic disposition. Have you displayed any of these behaviors? Which of the aspects of a wicked disposition have you displayed more: temptation, enticement, or using lies to cover up other lies? (I feel like all of them a bit.) You feel like all of them a bit. That is, on an emotional level, you feel like you both have and haven’t displayed these behaviors. You can’t come up with any evidence. In your daily life, then, do you realize it if you reveal a wicked disposition when faced with something? Actually, these things exist inside everyone’s disposition. For instance, there’s something you don’t understand, but you don’t want to let others know you don’t understand it, so you use various means to mislead them into thinking you understand. This is fraud. This kind of fraud is a manifestation of wickedness” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only Self-Knowledge Is of Aid in Pursuing the Truth). From God’s words, I realized that if one clearly has many shortcomings, but because they worry that exposing them would damage their image, they use positive pretexts to cover themselves up, making others mistakenly think that they understand everything to gain their praise and admiration, this is a revelation of a wicked disposition. God exposed my exact state. I thought about how when I preached the gospel before, there were times when I could fellowship the truth with clear thinking and details, and it was because I had written sermons on these topics and equipped myself with the relevant truths, not because I had a clear understanding of every aspect of the truth. In reality, I had just started training in preaching the gospel and still didn’t understand many truths of visions, and I didn’t know how to resolve many of the notions and questions of the potential gospel recipients. But I worried that the brothers and sisters would see clearly my real stature, and that they wouldn’t praise me anymore. To save face and protect my reputation, I used certain pretexts to cover up my shortcomings, and whenever I encountered an aspect of the truth I didn’t understand, I used encouraging brainstorming and fostering harmonious cooperation as an excuse to have the other sisters speak first, and then I would summarize at the end, making them mistakenly believe that I understood this aspect of the truth very well. Clearly, I didn’t have a clear understanding of the truth, and my fellowship was disordered. To cover up my shortcomings, I made excuses for myself, saying that I was trying to understand the questions of the potential gospel recipients and so my fellowship was inevitably disordered, and used this as a means to mislead the sisters. In order to avoid embarrassing myself again while preaching the gospel, I used the same trick. Under the guise of letting my partner get more training, I let her speak first, making the sisters think that I could actually fellowship well, and that I was just giving them a chance to be trained. On the surface, what I said seemed aboveboard, and in line with principles, as if I was thinking of others, but in reality, my purpose was to cover up the fact that I didn’t understand the truth to preserve my reputation. I was so sinister and contemptible! I used these methods to blatantly deceive both people and God. I was so deceitful and wicked! Realizing this, I no longer wanted to deceive, much less did I want to conduct myself or act in such a filthy way. It made me feel disgusted, and it also made God loathe me. Thinking back to when I’d just started training in this duty, whenever I had shortcomings, I’d been able to seek and communicate with my brothers and sisters. So why, after receiving praise from others, did I start worrying about exposing my shortcomings? Afterward, I began looking for relevant passages of God’s words to resolve this issue.

I read God’s words. “Many people who achieve some success in a certain field in the secular world and become famous have their heads clouded by fame and gain, and they start to think highly of themselves. In fact, the admiration, praise, affirmation, and recognition other people give you are only temporary honors. They do not represent life, nor do they in the slightest mean that one is walking the correct path. They are nothing more than temporary honors and glories. What are these glories? Are they real or empty? (Empty.) They are like shooting stars, they flash by and disappear. After people obtain such glories, honors, applause, laurels, and praise, they still have to return to real life and live as they ought to live. Some people are unable to see this and wish for these things to stay with them forever, which is unrealistic. People wish to live in this kind of environment and atmosphere on account of how it makes them feel; they want to enjoy this feeling forever. If they are unable to enjoy it, then they begin to take the wrong path. Some use various methods such as drinking and drug abuse to numb themselves: This is how humans living in Satan’s world approach fame and gain. Once a person becomes famous and receives some glory, they are prone to losing their direction, and they do not know how they should act, nor what they should do. They have their head in the clouds and cannot come down—this is dangerous. Have you ever been in such a state or displayed such behavior? (Yes.) What causes this? It is because people have corrupt dispositions: They are too vain, too arrogant, they cannot withstand temptation or praise, and they do not pursue the truth or understand it. They think that they are unique simply because of a small achievement or glory that they receive; they think that they have become a great person or a superhero. They think it would be a crime not to think highly of themselves in the face of all this fame, gain, and glory. People who do not understand the truth are liable to think highly of themselves at any time or place. When they start thinking too highly of themselves, is it easy for them to come back down again? (No.) People with a little sense don’t think highly of themselves for no reason. When they have yet to achieve anything, have nothing to offer, and no one in the group pays them any attention, they can’t think highly of themselves even if they wanted to. They may be a little arrogant and narcissistic, or they might feel they are somewhat talented, and better than others, but they are not liable to think highly of themselves. Under what circumstances do people think highly of themselves? When other people praise them for some achievement. They think that they are better than others, that other people are ordinary and unremarkable, that they alone are someone with status, and not in the same class or on the same level as other people, that they are higher than them. This is how they get above themselves” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). God’s words really touched me. I was exactly the kind of person God was exposing. Thinking back, before I received praise from my brothers and sisters, I would seek before God more often when I faced issues I didn’t understand, and I could also fellowship with my brothers and sisters. However, after Sister Xiao Fang was converted, everyone commented that my fellowship on the truth was clear and detailed, and that I could resolve the questions of potential gospel recipients. So I started to think highly of myself, and I felt that my worth had suddenly risen. Later, other potential gospel recipients also said my fellowship on the truth was clear, and I began to feel even more that I wasn’t an ordinary person. I felt that no matter what notions or questions potential gospel recipients might have, I had to be able to fellowship solutions to them, and I also needed to fellowship clearly and in detail, as only then could I be worthy of the praise of my brothers and sisters. So, when I encountered questions I understood and I could display my wisdom, I could fellowship normally. But when I encountered questions I didn’t understand clearly, and could only fellowship a few simple and vague words on them, and I couldn’t show off my wisdom, I’d resort to cunning and tricks to cover up my shortcomings, and I’d even find excuses to avoid fellowshipping. Reflecting on this, I saw that after receiving everyone’s praise, I started to elevate myself, and became unwilling to let my brothers and sisters see my shortcomings. I was always wearing a mask in conducting myself, and I was putting up a front as someone who understood the truth. This was all to prove that the praise from my brothers and sisters before was truly deserved. In order to hold on to my reputation and status, I lived in great pain and torment, I didn’t do my duty well, and I also lost the work of the Holy Spirit. I saw that I truly wasn’t focused on my proper duties, and that I was truly arrogant and vain. I prayed in my heart to God, “God, I have been truly foolish and lacking in reason. I am just a corrupted person, my stature is pitifully small, and there are many truths I don’t understand, yet I still try to wrap myself up to pretend and put up a front to make others admire and praise me. I am truly shameless! God, I no longer want to be harmed by reputation and status. Please enlighten me so that I can understand my problems.”

Later, in order to resolve the underlying root of my wrapping myself up and pretending, I read many of God’s words, and there was one passage that really fit my state. Almighty God says: “For antichrists, if their reputation or status is attacked and taken away, it is a matter even more serious than trying to take their life. No matter how many sermons they listen to or how many of God’s words they read, they will not feel sadness or regret over never having practiced the truth and having taken the path of antichrists, nor over their possession of the nature essence of antichrists. Instead, they are always racking their brains for ways to gain status and increase their reputation. It can be said that everything antichrists do is done to show off in front of others, and is not done before God. Why do I say this? It is because such people are so in love with status that they treat it as their very life, as their lifelong goal. Moreover, because they love status so much, they never believe in the existence of truth, and it can even be said that they harbor absolutely no belief in God’s existence. Thus, no matter how they calculate to gain reputation and status, and no matter how they try to use false appearances to trick people and God, in the depths of their hearts, they have no awareness or reproach, let alone any anxiety. In their consistent pursuit of reputation and status, they also wantonly deny what God has done. Why do I say that? In the depths of antichrists’ hearts, they believe, ‘All reputation and status are earned through one’s own efforts. Only by gaining a firm foothold among people and gaining reputation and status can they enjoy god’s blessings. Life only has value when people gain absolute power and status. Only this is living like a human. By contrast, it would be useless to live in the way that is spoken of in the word of god—to submit to god’s sovereignty and arrangements in everything, to willingly stand in the position of a created being, and to live like a normal person—no one would look up to a person like that. A person’s status, reputation, and happiness must be won through their own struggles; they must be fought for and seized with a positive and proactive attitude. No one else will give them to you—waiting around passively can only lead to failure.’ This is how antichrists calculate. This is the disposition of antichrists. … Antichrists firmly believe in their hearts that only with reputation and status do they have dignity and are they true created beings, and that only with status will they be rewarded and crowned, qualify for God’s approval, gain everything, and be a genuine person. What do antichrists see status as? They see it as the truth; they regard it as the highest goal to be pursued by people. Isn’t that a problem? People who can obsess over status in this way are genuine antichrists. They are the same kind of people as Paul” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). After reading this passage of God’s words, I felt quite judged in my heart. Antichrists particularly treasure reputation and status, believing that having status and being admired and supported by others makes life dignified and valuable, and that losing reputation and status and being looked down upon makes life miserable. In order to protect their reputation and status, no matter how many evil deeds they commit, they do their utmost to conceal them, using all kinds of methods to embellish themselves and create a grand image of themselves. When I looked at myself, I saw that my actions were the same as those of an antichrist. When I received praise and approval from brothers and sisters, I felt honored and as if my life had value, and so I wanted to keep enjoying this feeling of being praised. But once my shortcomings were exposed, I feared that the brothers and sisters would see through me and that my reputation would be at risk, so I used various pretexts to cover up and embellish myself, deceiving and misleading others. Looking back, when I was in school, because I studied well and was put as a class leader, my classmates praised me, and my teachers also said I had a lot of academic potential. I was overjoyed and felt like I had a halo over my head as I walked around campus. To maintain this honor, I worked even harder at my studies. But when I made mistakes in my exams, and I was clearly unable to answer the questions, I was afraid that my teachers and classmates would know I was no better than everyone else, so I’d lie and say that I hadn’t read the questions carefully and had been careless, so that the teachers and classmates would think I actually did know how to answer the questions, and continue to think highly of me. Now that I’d had some results in preaching the gospel and received praise from brothers and sisters, I was very afraid of losing the glory I’d earned. So I racked my brain trying to cover up the fact that I didn’t understand the truth, even resorting to despicable and wicked methods to mislead brothers and sisters and to trick them into admiring and worshiping me, becoming more and more hypocritical and deceitful, and living without any human likeness. I saw that I greatly valued fame and status and was walking the path of an antichrist, and if I didn’t repent, I would ultimately be revealed and eliminated by God.

Afterward, I sought a path of practice, and I read God’s words. “How should you practice to be an everyday person, an ordinary person, a normal person? First, you should deny and let go of those things you hold on to that you think are so good and valuable, as well as those superficial, pretty words with which others admire and praise you. If, in your heart, you are clear about what kind of person you are, what your essence is, what your failings are, and what corruption you reveal, you should openly fellowship this with other people, so that they can see what your true state is, what your thoughts and opinions are, so that they know what knowledge you have of such things. Whatever you do, don’t pretend or put up a front, don’t hide your own corruption and failings from others, so that no one knows about them. This kind of false behavior is an obstacle in your heart, and it is also a corrupt disposition and can stop people from repenting and changing” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). After reading God’s words, my heart felt brighter. I’d only trained in preaching the gospel for a short time, so it was impossible to understand all aspects of the truth. Even if I used despicable means to maintain my reputation, what would this really achieve? This kind of high regard was gained through deception, and lacked any integrity and dignity, causing me to live in a dark and sordid way. Also, wrapping myself up and pretending could only deceive people temporarily, and in time, brothers and sisters would eventually discern me, and they would come to see my true stature clearly. By putting up a front and pretending this way, not only couldn’t I supplement myself with the truth and grow, but most importantly, I offended God and made Him detest me. God had arranged this situation to reveal my shortcomings, hoping for me to face my problems correctly, conduct myself and act in a down-to-earth way, and to speak honestly and seek and fellowship with brothers and sisters when I don’t understand something. Only by living in this way can I live with integrity and dignity, be upright in my conduct and actions, gain the respect of brothers and sisters, and attain the approval of God. Thinking about it, even though I had some results in preaching the gospel before, this was all due to the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment and guidance, and there was nothing for me to boast about. I had no sense of reason, I didn’t know my own measure, and yet I still wanted others to continually praise and admire me. I was utterly arrogant and shameless! Now I understood that by living before God as an honest person and candidly facing my shortcomings, I can easily gain God’s guidance. There are a lot of truths I still don’t understand, and moving forward, in the course of my duty, I need to continuously equip and supplement myself. This way, my understanding of the truth will become ever clearer, and my duty will be done in a way that is more up to standard. Later, when I saw my sisters, I opened up and laid bare how I had been disguising myself before, and I also said that my former clarity in my preaching of the gospel and fellowship of the truth had been because I had written sermons on these aspects, and that in the future, I would need everyone’s cooperation and supplementation in preaching the gospel. The sisters nodded in agreement when they heard me say this. I felt much more at ease in my heart.

Once, I was fellowshipping alongside Sister Liu Xin to resolve the notions of a potential gospel recipient, and I knew I should fellowship the truth about God’s incarnation, but I didn’t have a detailed approach on how to fellowship in a way that would resolve the root of the issue in a clear and enlightening way. So I worried that Liu Xin would see through me and think that I was no better than anyone else. To cover up my shortcomings, I thought to myself, “Why don’t I make an excuse to tell Liu Xin that I will only fellowship a general idea, not go into too many details, since if I go into too much detail, it will limit her thinking. This way, Liu Xin won’t realize that I actually can’t fellowship clearly this aspect of the truth.” At that moment, I realized I was about to try and come up with some high-sounding pretexts to cover up my shortcomings again, and although that would allow me to save face and satisfy my vanity for a moment, it wouldn’t allow me to understand the relevant truths to break free from the bondage of reputation and status. So, I prayed to God, rebelling against myself, and I spoke honestly with Liu Xin. Afterward, we read relevant passages of God’s words and watched a film to equip ourselves with the truth, and we fellowshipped with and read God’s words to the potential gospel recipient, and in the end, this potential gospel recipient accepted God’s work of the last days. I felt so much more at ease and liberated in my heart without using tricks to disguise myself. Although my pride wasn’t satisfied, I was able to seek and enter into the truth together with my sister, and not only did I gain some understanding of the truth of visions, but my preaching of the gospel also achieved good results.

Later, I consciously practiced the truth, and when I had deficiencies and shortcomings in my preaching of the gospel again, I’d pray to God, open up and lay myself bare to the brothers and sisters, and listen to their suggestions. I came to feel that living this way is aboveboard and dignified. Throughout this experience, by relying on God, I fellowshipped some new light, and I gained more and more understanding of the truth. I felt what God said: “You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). Thank Almighty God!