By Muchen, China

One day in 2018, my leader assigned me to go support a newly established church. When I received this news, I was both surprised and nervous. It seemed that my leader must have thought quite highly of me; but how would my brothers and sisters view me if I couldn’t do any real work? Would they think I wasn’t such a good leader? If that happened, what dignity would I have left? As soon as I thought of these things, I became anxious and had trouble being at ease while doing my duties. A week later, my heart full of uncertainty, I set off for the new church. At first, when the brothers and sisters brought up questions, I was able to resolve them by combining God’s words and principles with my own experience in fellowship. But later on they encountered some issues that I couldn’t fully grasp. I didn’t know how to resolve them, so I began to get nervous.

I remember during one particular gathering, the brothers and sisters had brought up some questions and difficulties they were facing in their work, and I just couldn’t think of which aspect of the truth I should fellowship on to resolve these issues. I worried that they would think less of me, and I was a nervous wreck. I racked my brain, wanting to think of passages of God’s words or principles to fellowship as quickly as possible, but the more agitated I grew, the more my mind went blank. Seeing the brothers and sisters sitting there quietly awaiting my response, I panicked even more, thinking, “If I can’t resolve their issues, doesn’t that mean that I don’t understand the truth and am incapable of carrying out real work? What will the brothers and sisters think of me? That would be so embarrassing!” Ultimately, I just bit the bullet and selected a passage of God’s words to fellowship. In truth, I knew as clear as day that I was just reciting words and doctrines and that this wouldn’t resolve their problems. But seeing that my brothers and sisters were listening and nodding their heads, and didn’t comment further, I thought no more of it. Another time, a sister asked about her daughter who was so busy with work that she couldn’t regularly attend gatherings. The sister was concerned that because her daughter was not seeking the truth, she would lose her chance to attain salvation, and so she often reminded her daughter to read God’s words and attend more gatherings. But at the same time, she was worried that pushing her daughter too hard might upset her. This issue really made the sister feel constrained, and she didn’t know how she should proceed. At the time, I wasn’t sure how I should fellowship with the sister in order to resolve her issue. I thought to myself, “There would be no way of justifying failing to provide any fellowship at all for this sister in front of everyone. This is my first time at this gathering group. If I can’t fix any of their problems, won’t the brothers and sisters think less of me and say I’m incapable of resolving issues through fellowship on the truth? No matter what, I have to salvage this situation somehow.” So, I fellowshiped, saying, “With regard to this issue, we must seek the truth and discern God’s intention. God saves those who have true faith in Him and who love the truth. He never forces us to gather or do our duties, and so if your daughter doesn’t pursue the truth, you can’t force her to do so. You should submit to God’s arrangements and refrain from acting according to your affections.” The sister didn’t say anything after I had finished my fellowship, but she was still furrowing her brow. Seeing that the sister’s issue hadn’t been resolved, the leader, Sister Wang Lin, offered her own fellowship: “You should still help your daughter and provide fellowship with love. In due time, it will become clear whether your daughter is a seeker of truth. If she is a true believer in God, then even if at first she has worldly desires and doesn’t seek the truth, you must be patient, accepting and lovingly supportive. Then, once she begins to grasp some of the truth, she will naturally start placing more importance on it. If she is not a lover of the truth, and places only nominal faith in God for the purpose of receiving blessings, then no amount of help or prayer for her will be of any use, because God does not save the disbelievers. So, let us first help and support her with love and then, once we know for certain what kind of person she is, we can decide how to treat her according to principle.” The sister nodded her head continuously, and I too had gained a clearer understanding of the issue. Wang Lin’s fellowship outlined a clear path of practice. But I wasn’t willing to acknowledge any of this out loud; if I made such an acknowledgment, I thought, the brothers and sisters would be even more apt to discern that I had only fellowshiped on doctrinal knowledge, and I would be a complete embarrassment. From that point on, I felt increasingly weighted down, terrified that I’d be unable to resolve the problems brought up by my brothers and sisters. Sometimes when I encountered difficulties, I wanted to fellowship with my brothers and sisters to hear their ideas and opinions. But then I’d remember that I was there to water and support them, and if I turned the tables and went to them for help, they’d certainly think less of me. I would go back and forth in my head, and right when I was about to say something, I’d second guess myself and remain quiet. There were times when I’d excuse myself to the bathroom, or make up an excuse to go handle some other business when a difficult issue arose and ask the brothers and sisters to first discuss among themselves. This way, no one could see me for what I really was. Whenever I did something like this, I would get down on myself, knowing that I didn’t have a firm grasp of the issue, and if I would just open up in fellowship and seek help from my brothers and sisters then I would gain a deeper understanding. At such times, I would always resolve to not avoid such situations in the future, but whenever some difficulty arose, I’d instinctively want to safeguard my status and dignity. I’d either muddle through a discussion by speaking some words and doctrines, or just avoid the situation altogether. During that period, my state became gradually worse—I had no insight when I fellowshiped during gatherings, I kept hitting walls in my work, and it was becoming more and more laborious to do my duties. I felt so repressed and agonized from having to constantly put up a front and disguise myself. I even thought that maybe this duty was just too much for me, and I’d be better off going back to my previous duty. I realized that I was in a bad state, and so I prayed to God, “Dear God! I’ve found my work so laborious lately and lack clarity in my thinking. It seems as though You’ve turned away from me, but I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. Oh God, I would that You guide me to better understand myself.”

After that, I came across this passage of God’s words: “All corrupted humans suffer from a common problem: When they have no status, they do not put on airs when interacting or speaking with anyone, nor do they adopt a certain style or tone in their speech; they are simply ordinary and normal, and do not need to package themselves. They do not feel any psychological pressure, and can fellowship openly and from the heart. They are approachable and are easy to interact with; others feel that they are very good people. As soon as they attain status, they become high and mighty, they ignore ordinary people, nobody can approach them; they feel that they have a sort of nobility, and that they and ordinary people are cut from different cloths. They look down on ordinary people, put on airs when they speak, and stop fellowshipping openly with others. Why do they no longer fellowship openly? They feel that they now have status, and are leaders. They think that leaders must have a certain image, be a bit loftier than ordinary people, have more stature and are better able to assume responsibility; they believe that compared to ordinary people, leaders must have more patience, be able to suffer and expend more, and be able to withstand any temptation from Satan. Even if their parents or other family members die, they feel they must have the self-control to not cry, or that they must cry in secret at the very least, out of sight of others, so that no one can see any of their shortcomings, defects, or weaknesses. They even feel that leaders cannot let anyone know if they have become negative; instead, they must hide all such things. They believe this is how one with status should act. When they repress themselves to this extent, has status not become their God, their Lord? And this being so, do they still possess normal humanity? When they have these ideas—when they put themselves in this box, and put on this kind of act—have they not become enamored with status?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Resolve the Temptations and Bondage of Status). Through the revelation of God’s words, I realized that the reason I was finding my work so exhausting and grueling was that I had become too obsessed with reputation and status. Before I had come to that church, I had felt so free and unrestricted in gatherings with my brothers and sisters—there was no pressure, and if I didn’t understand something, I would bring it up for fellowship. But ever since coming to support that church, I had put myself up on a pedestal, thinking that I must be better and more skilled than the people there because I was there to support them. I believed that only by resolving every issue that my brothers and sisters raised would I be acting in keeping with my status. To earn my brothers’ and sisters’ admiration and acceptance, I disguised myself and put up appearances. Even though I clearly didn’t have a firm grasp of the issues, I wasn’t willing to open up and seek, instead insisting on muddling through with words and doctrines, deceiving my brothers and sisters, and sometimes even finding excuses to avoid the situation altogether. I didn’t have the slightest consideration for whether or not my brothers’ and sisters’ problems had been resolved, and I couldn’t even get myself to say something as simple as “I don’t understand this issue.” Only then did I realize that I had placed too much importance on status, and that everything I did was in order to safeguard that status. God had exalted me to go there and work with my brothers and sisters to resolve the problems and issues facing that church, but I didn’t at all consider how best to do my duty and perform real work, instead I only thought of how the brothers and sisters would think of me, and how best to protect my status and dignity. I would even find ways of deceiving them in order to preserve my dignity and status. By neglecting my duties, not only was I causing myself to suffer, I was also harming my brothers and sisters and delaying the church’s work. That must have made God find me so detestable and despicable. I had fallen into darkness—this showed God’s righteousness, and I needed to dutifully reflect on myself and repent to God.

The next day, I opened up to my brothers and sisters about my recent state, and also brought up some questions I was having trouble with for fellowship. By fellowshiping together, and with God’s guidance, we eventually gained a better understanding of these issues, and found a path of practice. After that, since I would still instinctively disguise myself when I encountered difficulties or couldn’t grasp certain issues, not wanting to expose my weaknesses to my brothers and sisters, I prayed to God, asking for guidance. I then came across a passage of God’s words which gave me a path of practice. Almighty God says: “To free yourself from status’s control over you, what must you do first? You must first purge it from your intentions, your thoughts, and from your heart. How is this achieved? Before, when you were without status, you would ignore those who were not appealing to you. Now that you have status, if you see someone who is unappealing, or who has issues, you feel responsible for helping them, and so spend more time fellowshipping with them, trying to solve some of the practical problems they have. And what is the feeling in your heart when you do such things? It is a feeling of joy and peace. So, too, should you confide in people and more often open up to them when you find yourself in difficulty or experience failure, fellowshipping your problems and weaknesses, how you rebelled against God, and how you then emerged from this, and were able to satisfy God’s intentions. And what is the effect of confiding in them in this way? It is, without doubt, positive. No one will look down on you—and they may well envy your ability to go through these experiences. Some people always think that when people have status, they should act more like officials and speak in a certain way so as to be taken seriously and respected. Is this way of thinking correct? If you are able to realize that this way of thinking is wrong, then you should pray to God and rebel against fleshly things. Do not put on airs, and do not walk the path of hypocrisy. As soon as you have such a thought, you should address it by seeking the truth. If you do not seek the truth, this thought, this viewpoint, will take form and become rooted in your heart. As a result, it will come to dominate you and you will disguise yourself and craft your image to such an extent that no one will be able to see you through it or understand your thoughts. You will talk to others as through a mask that hides your true heart from them. You must learn to let others see your heart, and learn to open your heart to others and become close to them. You must rebel against the wants of the flesh and conduct yourself according to God’s requirements. In this way, your heart will know peace and happiness” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Resolve the Temptations and Bondage of Status). God’s words helped me realize that in order to cast off the fetters of reputation and status, I had to learn to let go of my desire for status within my heart. In fact, no matter what duty I was performing or how much status I had, I was still deeply corrupted by Satan and had many inadequacies and deficiencies. This was completely normal—it’s not as if becoming a leader and having status means that someone suddenly becomes better than everyone else, gains stature, understands the truth and can grasp and resolve every issue. I needed to have a proper conception of myself. Later, whenever I wanted to safeguard my status and conceal my own inadequacies, I would do the exact opposite: I opened up and laid myself bare before all without pretense, allowing my brothers and sisters to see my true stature. When I came across a problem I could not resolve, I would realistically admit that I didn’t understand and seek the truth along with my brothers and sisters, complementing each other’s strengths and weaknesses. By practicing in this way, I felt much more free and relaxed, and my duty no longer seemed so exhausting.

There were still times, however, when I failed to put the truth into practice. One time, Wang Lin arrived at a gathering before me. I thought to myself: “She is already aware of my inadequacies and deficiencies from my last fellowship when I only spoke words and doctrines. If I once again fail to resolve my brothers and sisters’ problems, then she will certainly think even less of me. How will I swallow my pride then?” I became a bit anxious after this occurred to me and felt that there would be a lot of pressure on me to lead the gathering with her. I said to Wang Lin, “If you have any other duties to attend to, feel free to go, I can handle this gathering myself.” She left without responding. To my surprise, a few days later, she said to me, “That day, I had originally planned on going over some of the problems and deviations in the work at the end of the gathering, but as soon as I arrived at the gathering place, you said I wasn’t needed there. I thought this over and decided I should bring your attention to some issues you’re having. This will be beneficial to you and the work of the church.” She told me that I was safeguarding my status and dignity in everything I did, always concealing my inadequacies and disguising myself, and that I failed to engage in any real cooperation with my brothers and sisters. It would be difficult for me to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit and achieve any results in my work given that I had set the wrong intention while performing my duties. Wang Lin’s comments made my face flush with embarrassment. I was ashamed of myself, and felt truly awful. What she had said was right: My job was to support the church, but because I was worried about being outed and disgraced, I found an excuse to send her off when she had wanted to work with me to identify and resolve problems as quickly as possible. She was more familiar with the church’s work, so how was I supposed to achieve good results without cooperating with her in performing our duties? Wang Lin had not only realized that I was without the truth reality and incapable of resolving issues, she had also discovered how obsessed I was with status and reputation. At that time, I felt completely humiliated. In the midst of my suffering, I came before God in prayer: “Dear God! Today Wang Lin pointed out my problems and deficiencies. I must learn from this situation and so I beseech You to guide me to gain a greater understanding of myself so that I may rectify my corrupted disposition and undergo a real transformation.” After prayer, I came upon a passage of God’s words that exposed my state at the time. Almighty God says: “People themselves are created beings. Can created beings achieve omnipotence? Can they achieve perfection and flawlessness? Can they achieve proficiency in everything, come to understand everything, see through everything, and be capable of everything? They cannot. However, within humans, there are corrupt dispositions, and a fatal weakness: As soon as they learn a skill or profession, people feel that they are capable, that they are people with status and worth, and that they are professionals. No matter how unexceptional they are, they all want to package themselves as some famous or exceptional individual, to turn themselves into some minor celebrity, and make people think they are perfect and flawless, without a single defect; in the eyes of others, they wish to become famous, powerful, or some great figure, and they want to become mighty, capable of anything, with nothing they cannot do. They feel that if they sought others’ help, they would appear incapable, weak, and inferior, and that people would look down on them. For this reason, they always want to keep up a front. … What kind of disposition is this? Such people’s arrogance knows no bounds, they have lost all reason. They do not wish to be like everyone else, they don’t want to be ordinary people, normal people, but superhumans, exceptional individuals, or hotshots. This is such a huge problem! With regard to the weaknesses, shortcomings, ignorance, foolishness, and lack of understanding within normal humanity, they will wrap it all up, and not let other people see it, and then keep on disguising themselves. … They do not know who they themselves are, nor do they know how to live out normal humanity. They have never once acted like practical human beings. If you pass your days with your head in the clouds, muddling through, not doing anything with your feet on the ground, always living by your own imagination, then this is trouble. The path in life you choose is not right. If you do this, then no matter how you believe in God, you will not understand the truth, nor will you be able to obtain the truth. To be honest with you, you cannot obtain the truth, because your starting point is wrong” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). The revelation of God’s words helped me realize the reason that I had always been instinctively disguising myself to win the admiration of others was that I was controlled by my arrogant disposition. I was merely a created being, so I couldn’t possibly understand everything and be completely clear on every issue. It was completely normal to encounter issues and difficulties in the course of doing my duty. However, as soon as I had achieved a certain status, I believed myself to be “extraordinary,” and failed to recognize my true self and confront my inadequacies. I was always trying to become some great, important person, some model of perfection, and so I disguised myself and put on a pretense at every turn to safeguard my image and status in the eyes of my brothers and sisters. I was corrupted and deeply influenced by satanic maxims like “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies” and “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark.” No matter what group of people I associated with, I always wanted to leave the best impression and earn everyone’s admiration and praise, believing that only in so doing would I be living with dignity and character. Then, when my deficiencies and inadequacies were exposed in front of everyone, I suffered greatly and found ways to conceal and disguise those inadequacies. This latest instance was a perfect example: Because I had been worried Wang Lin would catch on to my charade, I intentionally sent her off so that I could conceal the fact that I didn’t understand the truth. In my quest to safeguard my own status and dignity, I didn’t give the slightest consideration to the work of the church, nor did I consider my own duty. I had been so selfish and vile! I realized that there were still so many actual issues to deal with in the church, and if I didn’t cooperate with Wang Lin, then the problems would not be solved. That would delay the work of the entire church, and cause harm to the lives of our brothers and sisters. I was sacrificing the interests of the church in order to preserve my image—was I not committing evil? God requires that we live as normal humans, worship and submit to God, and earnestly conduct ourselves and do our duties in keeping with God’s requests. Yet I, in my wild arrogance, had become bereft of the rationality that any normal human should have, always aiming to project a perfect image of myself to earn the admiration of others. I was walking a path of resistance to God. If I didn’t repent, then in the end I would be cast down into hell to receive punishment. When I realized all this, I was disgusted and ashamed of myself, and prayed to God, willing to repent and honestly and practically fulfill my duty as a created being.

Having made these realizations, I sought a path of practice to resolve my issues. I came across two passages of God’s words that went as follows: “In the presence of God, no matter how you disguise yourself, how you conceal yourself, or what you fabricate for yourself, God has a clear grasp of all your truest thoughts and the things hidden in your deepest, innermost parts; there is not one person whose hidden, inner things can escape God’s scrutiny” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God searches man’s heart and mind—as for my corrupt disposition, my intentions and impurities, God was aware of every aspect of these things. No matter how I disguised myself and put up false fronts, my corrupt disposition remained, my stature was unchanged, and I still didn’t understand the truth or have the truth reality. Actually, not only had God detected my attempt at disguise, any sister or brother who understood the truth could also have seen right through my charade. My effort to disguise myself as a perfect person was simply a form of self-delusion and self-deception. It was not until then that I finally realized that putting up a front and disguising oneself in the name of status and dignity was a meaningless pursuit, and the more I wrapped myself up, the more I was exposed. This was a foolish way to live. Having realized these things, I consciously accepted God’s scrutiny, and when I felt like safeguarding my status and dignity, I would actively open up and practice the truth.

On the day before I left that church, I wanted to ask a sister if she still had any problems or difficulties to discuss, but I also worried that if I couldn’t help resolve her issues, then I’d make a fool of myself in front of her. I thought to myself, “I’ll be leaving here tomorrow anyway; I’ll practice the truth next time around.” Just then, a passage of God’s words came to mind: “If, when some special difficulties befall you or you encounter some particular environments, your attitude is always to avoid them or to flee from them, to desperately try to reject them and get rid of them—if you do not want to put yourself at the mercy of God’s orchestrations, are unwilling to submit to His orchestrations and arrangements, and do not want to let the truth take charge of you—if you always want to call the shots and to control everything about yourself according to your satanic disposition, then the consequences will be that, sooner or later, God will certainly set you aside or deliver you to Satan. If people understand this matter, they must quickly turn back and follow their road in life according to the correct path that God requires. This path is the right one, and when the path is right, that means that the direction is right” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words helped me realize that, even though asking my sister if she had any issues or difficulties seemed insignificant, it was still a chance to relinquish my desire for status and dignity and practice the truth. If I continued to disguise myself and put on a false face to mislead others and safeguard my status and dignity, then I would never be able to free myself from the fetters and constraints of my corrupt disposition. I could no longer yield to my desires—I had to practice the truth and live out a semblance of humanity, to shame Satan. So, before I left, I proactively asked my sister if she had any problems or difficulties. When I felt I had a grasp of her situation I would provide fellowship, and when I didn’t have an answer I said, “I don’t know how to resolve this issue, let’s seek an answer together.” After practicing in this way, I felt very grounded and at peace.

I have really gained a lot from this experience. If I hadn’t gone to that church to do my duties, resulting in my being exposed through this real situation, then I never would have realized that I had such an obsession with status, and that safeguarding one’s status and dignity was a way of resistance toward God. The judgment and revelation of God’s words helped me to break free from the fetters of status and dignity and stop disguising myself. Thanks be to Almighty God for saving me!