By Barbara, Laos

In June 2023, I was elected to the district decision-making group, and was in charge of the watering work together with Jenny. Whenever the supervisor had work to implement, she would message or call me first, and then ask me to implement it in the churches. I felt that the supervisor valued me quite highly, and that she likely saw me as someone worth cultivating, so I was very happy and did my duty with great energy. In April 2024, a new supervisor arrived, and I noticed that she focused on cultivating Jenny. She usually had Jenny preside over the implementation of the work, and after she fellowshipped in gatherings, she would always ask Jenny if she had anything to add. Sometimes, the brothers and sisters would also be quite supportive of Jenny’s suggestions. I felt very upset, thinking, “Why doesn’t she get me to preside over implementing the work? Why does she cultivate Jenny but not me? I’m not inferior to Jenny!” I wanted to prove that my caliber was no worse than Jenny’s, so I actively fellowshipped during gatherings. However, because my intentions were wrong, my fellowship was incoherent. I felt terrible; I had intended to show the supervisor that I had caliber, but I ended up embarrassing myself instead, and I felt very negative. Later, I would make excuses not to take part when the supervisor asked us to implement work. I felt that every time work was being implemented, the supervisor only focused on Jenny, so even if I were there, I wouldn’t be valued. Although I would later ask my partner about what work the supervisor had implemented, this meant that some work couldn’t be implemented in a timely manner, and I didn’t promptly fellowship to resolve the issue of some newcomers not attending gatherings. During that time, I felt that I wasn’t accomplishing much in my duty, like I was a dispensable sidekick. I didn’t even want to stay there to do my duty anymore. I realized that I was living in a state of competitiveness and jealousy, so I prayed, “Oh God, recently I have been living in a corrupt disposition, and I feel great pain in my heart. I don’t know how to break free. Please guide me to know my own problems.”

Later, I thought of a passage of God’s words, which gave me some understanding of my problems. Almighty God says: “People should not think of themselves as being very perfect, very distinguished, very noble, or very distinct from others; all this is brought about by man’s arrogant disposition and ignorance. Always thinking of oneself as set apart—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never being able to accept their shortcomings, and never being able to confront their mistakes and failures—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never permitting others to be superior to themselves, or to be better than themselves—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never allowing others’ strengths to surpass or exceed their own—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never permitting others to have better thoughts, suggestions, and views than themselves, and, when they discover that others are better than themselves, becoming negative, not wishing to speak, feeling distressed and dejected, and becoming upset—all of this is caused by an arrogant disposition. An arrogant disposition can make you unable to accept others’ corrections due to being protective of your pride, unable to confront your shortcomings, and unable to accept your own failures and mistakes. More than that, when someone is better than you, it can cause hatred and jealousy to emerge in your heart, and you can feel constrained, and even not wish to do your duty and become perfunctory in doing it. An arrogant disposition can cause these behaviors and practices to emerge in you” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Self-Conduct). My state was exactly as God had exposed. Wasn’t my negativity and desire to run away due to my arrogance? I always felt that I had good caliber and had work capability—that in God’s house, I was a rare talent who should be promoted and put to important use. When I saw the supervisor focusing on cultivating Jenny instead of me, I felt really disappointed and lost my drive to do my duty. I made excuses not to attend gatherings to implement work, and didn’t even want to stay there to do my duty. In fact, the results I achieved in my duty in the past were all due to God’s guidance; I had nothing to boast about. Yet I treated these things as my personal capital, thinking I was better than others. When I saw that I wasn’t being valued, I became dissatisfied and defiant. I truly lacked reason! Realizing this made me feel terrible, so I silently called out to God in my heart, asking Him to guide me to gain more understanding of my problems.

During one of my morning devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words: “No matter what duty the antichrists do, they will try to put themselves in a high position, in a position of primacy. They could never be content with their place as an ordinary follower. And what are they most passionate about? It is standing in front of people giving orders and telling people off, making people do as they say. They never think about how to do their duty properly—much less, while doing their duty, do they seek the truth principles in order to practice the truth and satisfy God. Instead, they rack their brains for ways to distinguish themselves, to make the leaders think highly of them and promote them, so that they themselves can become a leader or worker, and can lead other people. This is what they spend all day thinking about and hoping for. Antichrists are not willing to be led by others, nor are they willing to be an ordinary follower, much less to go quietly about doing their duty without fanfare. Whatever their duty, if they cannot be front and center, if they cannot be above others and lead other people, they find doing their duty boring, and become negative and start slacking. Without the praise or worship of others, it is even less interesting to them, and they have even less desire to do their duty. But if they can be front and center while doing their duty and get to have the final say, they feel fortified, and will suffer any hardship. They always have personal intentions in the performance of their duty, and they always want to distinguish themselves as a means to satisfy their need to beat other people, and satisfy their desires and ambitions. While doing their duty, in addition to being highly competitive—competing, in every regard, to stand out, to be on top, to get above others—they’re also thinking about how to keep their current status, reputation and prestige” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Seven)). God exposes that antichrists scheme for their own reputation and status in everything, racking their brains to figure out how to stand out above the rest and lead others, and how to get promoted and put to important use, without considering how to do the duty of a created being well at all. What I was pursuing was no different from what an antichrist pursues. I recalled when I believed in the Lord in the church. Every time I saw the pastors and elders preaching from the pulpit, surrounded by many people who looked at them with worshipful eyes, I felt very envious, and secretly told myself that I must go to Thailand to study theology, so that one day I could also preach from the pulpit. At that time, my enthusiasm was immense. After I had attended church gatherings for a year, the pastor started cultivating me, so I attended gatherings even more actively, hoping to be promoted and put to important use in the future. After accepting God’s work of the last days, I pursued enthusiastically, and left home to do my duty full-time after just six months of believing in God. While I did my duty, I focused heavily on how to make the brothers and sisters look up to me. I did my best to complete whatever work the supervisor assigned, wanting my brothers and sisters to see that I bore a burden and had a sense of responsibility. When I received praise from my brothers and sisters and was valued by the supervisor, I was full of energy in my duty and willing to endure any hardship; but when I saw the new supervisor valuing Jenny, I felt upset and jealous, and constantly wanted to prove myself. When I couldn’t surpass her, I became negative, started to be perfunctory in my duty, didn’t want to participate when the supervisor implemented work, and didn’t follow up on and resolve newcomers’ difficulties promptly. I just wanted to escape and not do my duty there. I saw that I wasn’t doing my duty to satisfy God, but for my own fame, gain, and status, without considering the church’s interests at all. I was so selfish! How was this doing my duty? I was clearly doing evil and resisting God, walking the path of an antichrist! If I continued to pursue like this, competing with others every day, and wanting everyone to revolve around me, look up to me, and praise me, I would be walking a path of resisting God, and would ultimately be revealed and eliminated by God, losing my chance at salvation.

Later, I opened up about my state to Sister Jessie, hoping she could help me break free from it. She reminded me, “You realize that you are pursuing status, but shouldn’t you also look at what you are lacking? If you always feel superior to others, it’s hard to let go of yourself. Are we really as good as we imagine? I’ve noticed recently that you always retreat when faced with difficulties. You start work with great resolve, but then it disappears. It’s just momentary enthusiasm—you can’t work in a down-to-earth manner. If we have a true understanding of these problems in ourselves, we won’t always feel we are better than others.” Hearing her say this made me feel terrible, but what she had talked about was indeed my problem. I felt that I truly lacked reason. Even if someone like me really was promoted and cultivated, could I do my duty well?

During a gathering, I read a passage of God’s words that moved me deeply. God says: “Some people have never actually accepted God’s words in the depths of their hearts; they do not accept even a single word of God. When God’s house does not promote or use them, they complain: ‘How come God doesn’t like me? Why doesn’t God’s house ever promote me or put me in an important position? I understand some truths, I have aspirations and resolve, and I am willing to expend myself for God! I am educated and have strength, and I can suffer and pay a price—so why won’t God’s house give me a chance? Treating me this way is unfair! Others get opportunities, so why don’t I? God is not righteous!’ Then why don’t you look at whether you accord with the principles of God’s house for promoting and using people? Your heart is closed off to God, and you are resistant to the words God speaks—have you taken in what God says? Have you ever sought God’s words when you do things? You do not listen to what God’s words say, and you never seek God’s intentions or the truth principles, so how could God’s house use you? Even if God sets up an environment for you, and God’s house gives you a chance to be promoted and used, what work could you be competent in? What work could you shoulder? If such a person were used for church work, they would certainly follow their own will to recklessly commit misdeeds, and cause disruptions and disturbances, which could only lead to one thing: They would be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (20)). Reading God’s words pierced my heart. God says that some people never accept the truth and their hearts are closed to God; they never seek God’s intentions or the truth principles in anything they do. Even if such people were given a chance to do church work, they wouldn’t be able to shoulder it. I asked myself, “Am I someone who pursues the truth? Am I someone who accepts the truth? No!” I was very willful, doing everything according to my own whims. When my brothers and sisters did things that weren’t to my liking, I wouldn’t want to talk and would take my frustration out on my duty. I also found it hard to accept when they pointed out my problems. In my duty, I always pursued fame, gain, and status, and when my ambitions and desires weren’t met, I became negative and slacked off, and even thought about giving up my duty. God had already shown me exceptional exaltation and grace by allowing someone like me, lacking conscience and reason, to do such an important duty in the church. Yet I didn’t cherish this, nor did I seek the truth to do my duty well. Instead, I was always competing with others. I really didn’t know what was good for me! Without this revelation, I wouldn’t have realized my true measure. Later, when I saw Jenny presiding over gatherings or implementing work, or heard the brothers and sisters praising her, I could treat it correctly and didn’t feel as upset or repressed as before.

Later, I learned that Sister Jean, my partner, had been elected as a supervisor. My heart skipped a beat, thinking, “I’m usually more active than her in implementing work. Why did they elect her as a supervisor and not me?” I realized I was competing with others again, so I prayed silently, “Oh God, please keep me submissive. Whether I am promoted or not, all this is down to Your sovereignty and arrangement. Please guide me to focus my heart on my duty.” After praying, I felt much more at peace. Later, when I cooperated with Jean again, I saw that she had many strengths I lacked. She could handle work independently, and sometimes, when gospel workers encountered problems, she would proactively seek them out to fellowship with them to resolve the issues. She followed up on the work in great detail and achieved results in her duty. These were all things I lacked. One morning during my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words that was very helpful to me. Almighty God says: “As a member of created humanity, you must keep to your proper position, and conduct yourself in a well-behaved manner. Dutifully hold fast to that which is entrusted to you by the Creator. Do not act out of line, or do things beyond your range of ability or which are loathsome to God. Do not pursue being a great person, a superman, or a grand individual, and do not pursue becoming God. These are all wishes that people should not have. Pursuing being a great person or a superman is absurd. Pursuing becoming God is even more disgraceful; it is disgusting, and despicable. What is truly precious, and what created beings should hold to more than anything else, is becoming a true created being; this is the only goal that all people should pursue” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique I). After reading God’s words, my heart felt much brighter. I understood that God requires us to conduct ourselves in a well-behaved manner, fulfilling our duty in a down-to-earth manner. He does not ask us to seek to be a superhuman or a great person. I reflected on how, since I started my duty, I had never properly pondered how to do it well, or how to pursue being a true created being and keep to my proper position. Instead, I had blindly pursued fame, gain, and status, only thinking about how to make the supervisors value me and my brothers and sisters worship me. I wanted to stand out in every crowd—my ambition was too great! I then made a resolution to myself: From now on, I will pursue the truth in earnest, and fulfill my duty in a down-to-earth manner. I thought of a hymn of God’s words, “I’m Just a Tiny Created Being”: “Oh God! Whether I have status or not, I now understand myself. If my status is high it is because of Your exaltation, and if it is low it is because of Your preordination. Everything is in Your hands. I have neither any choices, nor any complaints. You preordained that I would be born in this country and among this people, and all that I can do is be completely submissive under Your dominion because everything is what You have preordained” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Why Are You Unwilling to Be a Foil?). I listened to this hymn repeatedly, singing along. Every lyric spoke right to my heart. I am a tiny created being, full of corrupt satanic dispositions. That I am able to do the duty of a created being in the church today is a special honor; it is God’s exaltation and grace. No matter what duty I do, I am willing to submit. Later, I wasn’t affected by Jean being elected as a supervisor, and I continued to cooperate with my brothers and sisters every day to do the work that needed to be done. I thank Almighty God for guiding me to these understandings and gains, and for bringing about some change in me.