By Xiaojin, China

In April 2017, I went to the hospital for a physical examination and found out that I had hepatitis B. My transaminase level was as high as 220 U/L, and my hepatitis B was active. The church took my condition into consideration and arranged for me to go home for treatment. While packing my luggage, I watched the two brothers I had been cooperating with chatting and laughing while discussing the work. I felt a sense of desolation, and thought, “Now that God’s work is almost at an end, this is a critical time for us to do our duty and prepare good deeds. But instead, I’m going home to recuperate. If I stay at home for a year or two and can’t do any duties, how will I be able to prepare good deeds? When a catastrophe strikes, I will definitely be cast down into it. If I die, wouldn’t my belief in God have been in vain?” I also thought about how I had left home to do my duty less than a year after I started to believe in God. No matter what duties the church assigned me to do, I was never picky, and always tried hard to do them better. In particular, I had been doing editing duty in the past six months. I often got up early and stayed up late. I never backed down when I encountered difficulties, and worked hard to learn the professional skills involved. I had achieved some results in my duties. I had been so eager and active in doing my duty, so why didn’t God protect me? Why did He allow me to get this disease instead? I really couldn’t understand it. Lifting my head to look at the two brothers, I envied them for having good health and being able to continue doing their duties here. I, on the other hand, was on the point of leaving the place where I had been doing my duty to return home. I felt that my future was extremely bleak, and I was extremely dispirited, feeling paralyzed and weak all over. When I thought about how this was God’s final stage of work and mankind’s only chance for salvation, and that I had been fortunate enough to live in this time, I was truly unwilling to give up just like that. I thought that I had to get treatment urgently when I got home, and would return to my duties as soon as my illness was cured. That way, I would prepare more good deeds and have a greater hope of being saved.

After returning home, I heard that Chinese medicine was very effective, and I immediately asked my dad to get me some Chinese medicine. At the same time, I also persisted in learning techniques relevant to the duty I had been doing, thinking that after my illness was cured, I could go back out and do my duty again. The doctor prescribed me a month’s supply of medicine. I took it on time as the doctor instructed, hoping that I would get better quickly. One month later, I went to the hospital for a checkup with great anticipation. After getting the test results, I found that my transaminase level had not dropped at all. I simply couldn’t believe it, and thought, “I took my medicine on time all through this month. Why hasn’t my condition improved at all? Why didn’t God bless me?” After a while, around August, a sister told me about a plant called wild celery, which some people used to cure hepatitis B. I was very excited after hearing this. Although the sister repeatedly emphasized that this plant was highly toxic and could be life-threatening if not processed properly, I still wanted to try it. I thought that it was worth the risks if it could cure my disease. Unexpectedly, taking it had absolutely no effect, and I felt utterly miserable. I couldn’t figure out why this was happening. After that, I sank into negativity. I didn’t have anything to say in my prayers, which felt really dry; I ate and drank less of God’s words, I didn’t want to learn the techniques that I had persisted in studying before, and I always lacked motivation.

Around November, a brother brought me a prescription, saying it was specifically for treating hepatitis B. I was eager to try it, but when I recalled the failure of my last treatment with wild celery, I thought to myself, “Is it because I’m only focusing on medication and rarely pray? During this treatment, I need to pray to God more. Maybe when God sees my ‘sincere’ heart, He will bless me and cure my illness.” I quickly took the prescription and went to get the medicine. No matter how bitter the medicine was, I endured it and drank it. During this period, I prayed to God many times, telling Him that I wanted to go back out to do my duty and earnestly pursue the truth. I hoped to touch God’s heart with such a “sincere” attitude, so that He would bless me to recover from my illness. One month later, when I went to get the test results, the doctor said, “We’ve tested you twice. Your viral load is very high. Your transaminase level is even over 1,200!” I thought to myself, “A transaminase level of over 200 was already very serious to start off with. What can a level of over a thousand mean?” I stood there frozen in place, remembering that I had heard someone say that if hepatitis B was not properly controlled, it might lead to cirrhosis or even liver cancer. Would I also develop liver cancer? When I thought this, I felt extremely scared and helpless. I thought about how I had frequently prayed to God to heal my illness over the past month, but now, not only had my condition not improved, it had become even worse. It was certainly no coincidence that I had repeatedly hit a brick wall. All this time, I had just wanted to get cured, and thought that because I wanted to get better to do my duty, it was justified. However, I had never thought about whether this was in accordance with God’s intentions. I started to think, “God’s intention may be in the sudden worsening of my condition. I can’t continue being stubborn and unrepentant. I have to pray, seek God’s intention, and learn my lesson.” Therefore, I cried out earnestly to God in my heart, “Dear God, the worsening of my condition has Your permission. Although I still don’t understand why this is happening, I know in my heart that what I am pursuing is definitely not in accordance with Your intention. May You lead me to grasp Your intention and not rebel against You.” I sat dazed on a step in the hospital, continuously calling on God in my heart. Suddenly I remembered some of God’s words that I had read before: “Everything that God does is necessary and possessed of extraordinary significance, for all that He does in man concerns His management and the salvation of mankind. Naturally, the work that God did in Job is no different, even though Job was perfect and upright in the eyes of God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). God allowed Satan to deprive Job of all his property and children and permitted sickness to come upon him. Job lost everything and his flesh also suffered extreme pain. From the perspective of worldly people, what happened to Job was not a good thing but a bad thing. However, Job feared God. He did not complain about God, and was able to submit. After Job experienced trials, he gained some understanding of God, and his faith and fear of God were elevated; God appeared to him personally. What a great blessing this was! When I pondered this, I realized that no matter how great the illness or misfortune that comes upon you, or how much suffering you must endure, if you can pursue the truth and seek God’s intention, you will eventually obtain the truth from it and make some gains. God’s intentions are good, and He does not want to mess anyone around. Having understood God’s intention, a warm feeling rose from deep in my heart, and my helpless and fearful heart was warmed and gradually calmed down. I had to imitate Job, have an attitude of submission, and pray to seek God’s intention. I believed that God would lead me.

The hospital environment was too noisy, so I got up and went to the nearby woods. As I walked into the woods, I couldn’t help but start to worry about my condition again. I thought, “This month, my transaminase level has soared to over 1,000. If it continues developing at this rate, and I develop liver cancer, won’t it be all over for me? Is God really going to take my life away this time?” When I thought about dying, I subconsciously resisted in my heart, thinking, “Why does God want me to die? I am still young! Is my life really going to end when it has only just begun? If I hadn’t believed in God, then would I have been spared from this kind of trial? Would I have been spared from this disease? Even though I couldn’t have been saved, at least I might have lived a few more years!” At that moment, my heart skipped a beat. I thought, “Am I not complaining about God?” I quickly prayed to God, “Dear God, I don’t want to complain about You, but my heart is constantly constrained by death. May You lead me to treat this matter correctly.” After praying, I remembered a hymn I had often sung before titled “A Created Being Should Be at the Mercy of God’s Orchestration”:

1  No matter what God asks of you, you need only work toward it with all your strength, and I hope you will be able to fulfill your loyalty to God before Him in these final days. As long as you can see God’s gratified smile as He sits upon His throne, even if this moment is the appointed time of your death, you should be able to laugh and smile as you close your eyes. You must, while you’re alive, do your final duty for God.

2  In the past, Peter was crucified upside down for the sake of God; but you should satisfy God in these final days, and exhaust all your energy for His sake. What can a created being do for God? You should therefore give yourself up to God in advance, for Him to orchestrate you as He wishes. As long as it makes God happy and pleased, then let Him do as He will with you. What right do men have to speak words of complaint?

—The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Interpretations of the Mysteries, Chapter 41

I hummed the hymn quietly and involuntary tears came to my eyes. God graced me by bringing me into His house. I have read many of His words and understood some truths. I know that humans were created by God, how mankind was corrupted by Satan, how God has been saving mankind step by step, and how God cleanses and transforms people in the last days. I also experienced the enlightenment and leadership of the Holy Spirit in doing my duty. I had received so much from God, but I was not grateful to Him at all. Now that my condition had worsened, I complained about God and I even had thoughts of regretting my belief in Him. Wasn’t that too heartbreaking for God? Wasn’t that treacherous? Everyone living in this world will get ill, and so many people who do not believe in God suffer from serious illnesses and cancer. However, I still complained, thinking that if I hadn’t believed in God, I might not have developed this disease. Wasn’t I talking utter nonsense? I was completely unreasonable! Though I had contracted this disease, I prayed to God, and He enlightened and guided me with His words, giving me comfort and support. With God as my support, I felt so much happier than nonbelievers. Besides, I am a created being. God created me, and even if He takes my life back, I should not complain about Him, and still less should I ever regret believing in God. I should submit. I then said a prayer of submission to God, and I felt very at ease. I no longer worried about whether I would die.

At a gathering, I read a passage of God’s words, which gave me some understanding of my corrupt disposition. God says: “Since the people of today do not possess the same humanity as Job, what of their nature essence, and their attitude toward God? Do they fear God? Do they shun evil? Those who do not fear God or shun evil can only be summed up with three words: ‘enemies of God.’ You often say these three words, but you have never known their real meaning. The words ‘enemies of God’ have essence: They are not saying that God sees man as the enemy, but that man sees God as the enemy. First, when people begin to believe in God, which of them does not have their own aims, motivations, and ambitions? Even though one part of them believes in the existence of God and has seen the existence of God, their belief in God still contains those motivations, and their ultimate aim in believing in God is to receive His blessings and the things they want. In people’s life experiences, they often think to themselves: ‘I’ve given up my family and career for God, and what has He given me? I must add it up, and confirm it—have I received any blessings recently? I’ve given a lot during this time, I’ve run and run, and have suffered much—has God given me any promises in return? Has He remembered my good deeds? What will my end be? Can I receive God’s blessings? …’ Every person constantly makes such calculations within their heart, and they make demands of God which bear their motivations, ambitions, and a transactional mentality. This is to say, in his heart man is constantly testing God, constantly devising plans about God, constantly arguing the case for his own individual outcome with God, and trying to extract a statement from God, seeing whether or not God can give him what he wants. At the same time as pursuing God, man does not treat God as God. Man has always tried to make deals with God, ceaselessly making demands of Him, and even pressing Him at every step, trying to take a mile after being given an inch. At the same time as trying to make deals with God, man also argues with Him, and there are even people who, when trials befall them or they find themselves in certain situations, often become weak, negative and slack in their work, and full of complaints about God. From the time when man first began to believe in God, he has considered God to be a cornucopia, a Swiss Army knife, and he has considered himself to be God’s greatest creditor, as if trying to get blessings and promises from God were his inherent right and obligation, while God’s responsibility were to protect and care for man, and to provide for him. Such is the basic understanding of ‘belief in God’ of all those who believe in God, and such is their deepest understanding of the concept of belief in God. From man’s nature essence to his subjective pursuit, there is nothing that relates to the fear of God. Man’s aim in believing in God could not possibly have anything to do with the worship of God. That is to say, man has never considered nor understood that belief in God requires fearing and worshiping God. In light of such conditions, man’s essence is obvious. What is this essence? It is that man’s heart is malicious, sinister, and deceitful, does not love fairness and righteousness and that which is positive, and it is contemptible and greedy. Man’s heart could not be more closed to God; he has not given it to God at all. God has never seen man’s true heart, nor has He ever been worshiped by man. No matter how great the price God pays, or how much work He does, or how much He provides to man, man remains blind and utterly indifferent to it all. Man has never given his heart to God, he only wants to mind his heart himself, to make his own decisions—the subtext of which is that man does not want to follow the way of fearing God and shunning evil, or to submit to the sovereignty and arrangements of God, nor does he want to worship God as God. Such is the state of man today” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). God exposed the intentions and methods of people who believe in God to try to make deals with Him. God condemns these people as having an essence that is despicable, greedy, treacherous, and deceitful. The tone and phrasing of God’s words ooze hatred and loathing for this kind of people, and I felt God’s righteous disposition and holy essence. When I compared their treatment of God with my own, I saw that I had treated Him in the same way. I recalled when I learned that in the last days, God has come to work to end this age, and that those who are saved by God will be able to survive and enter the kingdom to enjoy eternal blessings, I desperately wanted to obtain the blessings that God would give to man, so I resolutely chose to believe in God. After I started to believe in God, I pursued with zeal, and within a year I started doing my duty full-time. I did not shrink from doing editing duty despite many difficulties, and took the initiative to study professional skills, putting in a lot of effort. I thought that since I was so proactive in doing my duty, God must like me and approve of me, and I would have good hopes of being blessed in the future. When I was diagnosed with active Hepatitis B, I complained about God in my heart, and thought that God shouldn’t have let me get ill because I was so proactive in doing my duty. I thought that if I went home to recuperate, I wouldn’t be able to do my duty and I wouldn’t receive blessings in the future, so I felt utterly miserable. After returning home, I tried every possible way to cure my disease, and hoped that God would bless me so I would recover from my illness as soon as possible. When my disease was not cured after two treatments, I felt extremely distressed and hopeless. I didn’t want to pray, eat and drink God’s words, or learn editing techniques anymore, and lived in negativity. Later, I made insincere prayers to God, saying that my life progress was slow because I wasn’t doing my duty. My unspoken implication was to ask God to take my illness away so I could continue to do my duty. Actually, I wanted to go out and do my duty not to satisfy God, but for the sake of my own future destination. I was afraid that if I wasn’t able to do my duty, I wouldn’t have a good destination, but when I prayed to God, I said that I wanted to do my duty in order to pursue the truth and satisfy Him. Wasn’t I blatantly trying to trick God? I saw that my intention in believing in God and doing my duty was only to gain blessings and benefits from Him. All I tried to do was make deals and demands of God, and I had no sincerity at all. I was created by God, and everything I have comes from God. Now, I was fortunate enough to accept God’s salvation, but I had no gratitude toward Him at all. I even tried to make deals with God, trick Him, and use Him. I had no conscience or reason at all. I was so despicable! I had no humanity at all! If my belief in God was always adulterated with attempts to make deals with Him, He would never approve of me no matter how many duties I did. Because my self-serving corrupt disposition had not changed at all, I was still a selfish, vile, wicked, and deceitful person. How could I be saved when I was like that? I thought about how Paul had expended a lifetime toiling for the Lord, doing countless works. However, he did not pursue the truth at all, and his corrupt disposition did not change in the slightest. He even used his work and expenditure as capital to openly demand a crown from God, saying, “There is laid up for me a crown of righteousness” (2 Timothy 4:8). The implication was that God would be unrighteous if He did not bestow a crown on Paul. Paul openly clamored against God, which offended God’s disposition and led to him being cursed and punished by God. When I pondered this, I felt scared, and realized that believing in God only to pursue blessings has serious consequences. Only then did I understand that God’s good intention was in me getting this illness. I had believed in God for several years but never pursued the truth; I had only pursued blessings and tried to make deals with God. God did not want me to continue on the wrong path and be ruined, and so He used illness to stop me in my tracks, revealing my impure intentions of pursuing blessings, forcing me to calm down and thoroughly reflect on myself so that I would turn around the mistaken perspective behind my pursuit in a timely manner. If I hadn’t contracted this disease, I simply wouldn’t have been able to understand myself at all. Only then did I understand God’s painstaking intention, and all of a sudden, my previous misunderstandings and complaints about God disappeared. Instead, my heart was filled with gratitude toward Him. I realized that in the future I could no longer make demands of God, no matter whether my disease was cured or not. Instead, I had to properly believe in and submit to God. A few days later, my father took me to the hospital for treatment. I prayed to God, “Dear God, I don’t know what I will face when I go to the hospital today. But I believe that Your good intentions are in everything. No matter what my condition is, I am willing to submit to You.” The doctor was surprised when he saw my test results, and said that my condition was quite serious. My liver had been damaged and there was too much hepatitis B virus in me, so I needed urgent treatment. After hearing this, I was a little worried, but I soon realized that whether my disease could be cured or not was in God’s hands. All I had to do was accept it by letting it take its natural course, and cooperate with the treatment. As for what would happen in the future, I was willing to entrust that to God. When I thought this, I felt at ease.

Later, I often felt uneasy in my heart, thinking, “I’m just staying at home every day and can’t do my duty. Won’t I just end up as trash? God won’t approve of me if I fail to do my duty.” I prayed to God, seeking how to experience this environment. One day, I read the words of God: “There is no correlation between the duty of man and whether he receives blessings or suffers misfortune. Duty is what man ought to fulfill; it is his heaven-sent vocation, and should not depend on recompense, conditions, or reasons. Only then is he doing his duty. Receiving blessings refers to when someone is made perfect and enjoys God’s blessings after experiencing judgment. Suffering misfortune refers to when someone’s disposition does not change after they have experienced chastisement and judgment; they do not experience being made perfect but are punished. But regardless of whether they receive blessings or suffer misfortune, created beings should fulfill their duty, doing what they ought to do, and doing what they are able to do; this is the least that a person, a person who pursues God, should do” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Difference Between the Ministry of God Incarnate and the Duty of Man). “If, in your faith in God and pursuit of the truth, you are able to say, ‘Whatever sickness or disagreeable event God allows to befall me—no matter what God does—I must submit, and stay in my place as a created being. Before all else, I must put this aspect of the truth—submission—into practice, I must implement it, and live out the reality of submission to God. Moreover, I must not cast aside what God has commissioned to me and the duty I should perform. Even on my last breath, I must hold fast to my duty,’ is this not bearing testimony? When you have this kind of resolve and this kind of state, are you still able to complain about God? No, you are not. At such a time, you will think to yourself, ‘God gives me this breath, He has provided for and protected me all these years, He has taken much pain from me, given me much grace, and many truths. I have understood truths and mysteries that people have not understood for generations. I have gained so much from God, so I must repay God! Before, my stature was too small, I understood nothing, and everything I did was hurtful to God. I may not have another chance to repay God in the future. No matter how much time I have left to live, I must offer the little strength I have and do what I can for God, so that God can see that all these years of providing for me have not been in vain, but have borne fruit. Let me bring comfort to God, and no longer hurt or disappoint Him.’ How about thinking this way? Do not think about how to save yourself or escape, thinking, ‘When will this illness be cured? When it is, I shall do my best to perform my duty and be loyal. How can I be loyal when I’m ill? How can I perform the duty of a created being?’ As long as you have a single breath, are you not capable of performing your duty? As long as you have a single breath, are you capable of not bringing shame upon God? As long as you have a single breath, as long as your mind is lucid, are you capable of not complaining about God? (Yes.)” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only in the Frequent Reading of God’s Words and Contemplation of the Truth Is There a Way Ahead). After reading God’s words, my heart brightened, and I understood that our duty has nothing to do with whether we are blessed or suffer misfortune. Doing our duty is our responsibility and mission as created beings; it is simply what we ought to do. In my notions, I had believed that as long as I did more duties, I would eventually receive blessings from God. I thought it was just like when nonbelievers work for their boss: The more work they do, the more they get paid. In fact, God has never said that as long as we do our duties and do more duties, He will approve of us and will bless us. My point of view was entirely based on my own notions and imaginings, and was not in line with the truth at all. Doing our duty is a way for us to pursue the truth and be saved in our belief in God. If we do our duty but do not pursue the truth, take the wrong path, and there is no change in our corrupt dispositions, then no matter how many duties we do, God will never approve of us. For example, I had believed in God for several years now, and I had been doing duties in the church throughout this time. However, I didn’t focus on eating and drinking God’s words to resolve my corrupt disposition at all. My intention in doing my duty was always to receive blessings from God, and my selfish and greedy corrupt disposition had not changed at all. When illness came upon me and threatened my life, I could not help but grumble and complain about God. Was this not rebelling against and resisting God? If I still did not pursue the truth, then ultimately my disposition would not change, I would not show any true submission to or fear of God at all and I would not bear any testimony. In that case, no matter how much effort I put in or how many duties I did, it would all be in vain and I would not be able to be saved. I thought of Job. In his age, God did not do much work, nor did He entrust that much to man. Job’s life was mainly spent herding, but there was a place for God in his heart; he had a God-fearing heart. In his life, he sought God’s intention at every turn and never did anything that offended God. Even when trials came upon him and he lost his property and children, and even when his body was covered with unbearably painful boils, he never complained about God. He was still able to submit to God and praise His name. Job’s actual living out became a testimony of God’s victory over Satan, and he received God’s approval. I was always afraid that I would not be able to do any more duties and be eliminated. This was my notion. Thinking about it, the duties I was able to do were limited because of my illness. God was fully aware of my situation. For example, some brothers and sisters cannot do their duties because they are in prison, but God has never said that He does not approve of them. God does not measure people according to how many duties they do; instead, He looks at what path they walk and whether their corrupt dispositions change. Now, the environment God had arranged was for me to experience His work at home, and I should accept and submit, focusing on eating and drinking God’s words and pursuing the truth. This is what I ought to do. I read this particular passage of God’s words: “Do not think about how to save yourself or escape, thinking, ‘When will this illness be cured? When it is, I shall do my best to perform my duty and be loyal. How can I be loyal when I’m ill? How can I perform the duty of a created being?’ As long as you have a single breath, are you not capable of performing your duty? As long as you have a single breath, are you capable of not bringing shame upon God? As long as you have a single breath, as long as your mind is lucid, are you capable of not complaining about God?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only in the Frequent Reading of God’s Words and Contemplation of the Truth Is There a Way Ahead). From God’s words I understood that when God requires us to do our duty, it refers to practicing the truth and bearing witness to Him. He does not want to make people toil for Him. Even if I never recover from my illness and I cannot go out to do my duty ever again, if I can let go of my intention to obtain blessings, stop trying to make deals with God, and willingly submit to Him regardless of whether I receive blessings or misfortunes, this is also a duty that I should do before God. No matter how my disease develops in the future, whether I will be able to go out and do my duty again, or what kind of environment God arranges for me, I must continue to earnestly believe in God and pursue the truth. When I understood this, my heart truly felt brightened, and I no longer worried about whether I would recover from my illness. The feeling was like the relief and lightness of casting off heavy shackles!

After that, I made a plan for myself every day. I did my devotionals, ate and drank God’s words, sang hymns, and learned editing techniques, leading a very fulfilling life. Later, I also practiced writing sermons for preaching the gospel. Before I knew it, I had forgotten about my illness, and sometimes I even forgot to take my medicine when I woke up in the morning. Soon a month had passed, and it was time for another checkup. I was no longer nervous, and I no longer hoped that my illness would be cured; I knew there were lessons I should learn whether it was cured or not. I prayed to God silently and underwent the examination calmly. When I went to get the test results, I saw that my transaminase level had dropped to 34 U/L! I was afraid that I had read it wrong, so I read it again carefully. It really was 34 U/L! My liver function had returned to normal, and my levels of hepatitis B virus had also dropped to within the normal range. I couldn’t believe it until I walked out of the hospital; it felt like a dream. This month was the month when I had taken my medicine with the least regularity. Sometimes I had even forgotten to take my medicine for two days on end, but my illness had been cured without me even noticing. I felt in my heart that this was God’s deed. I remembered the words of God: “Man’s heart and spirit are within God’s grasp, and everything of his life is beheld in the eyes of God. Regardless of whether or not you believe all this, any and all things, whether living or dead, will shift, change, renew, and disappear in accordance with God’s thoughts. This is how God holds sovereignty over all things” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God Is the Source of Man’s Life). From God’s words, I realized that God holds sovereignty over all things, whether living or dead, and they all change in accordance with God’s thoughts. They are not affected by any other factors. This is God’s authority. Take my illness for example. When I was living in an incorrect state, no matter how I treated my disease, it only worsened, never improving. However, when I gained some understanding of myself and my state turned around somewhat, I recovered quickly even though I took my medicine irregularly. I felt that God is so almighty, and His deeds are so miraculous! I praised God from the bottom of my heart. This disease had persisted for nearly a year, and I suffered a lot during that time. However, through this experience I gained some understanding of God’s authority and my faith in God increased, so I felt that getting this illness was worth it!

Through this illness, I understood my own impure intentions of pursuing blessings, and I also saw my own ugly side clearly: I was selfish and vile. I saw that everything God did was to cleanse me, lead me onto the correct path of faith in God, and make me live with humanity and reason. If I hadn’t undergone tempering through this illness, I wouldn’t have understood the impurities in my faith in God; still less would I have understood what it means to truly do my duty as a created being. It was through this illness that God saved me and brought about a turning point in my faith in Him—just in time. I finally experienced that this illness coming upon me was actually God’s blessing coming upon me. I thank God from the bottom of my heart!