By Qin Mu, China

One day in September 2012, I met with Sister Li Fang, a church leader from a nearby church. She said she hadn’t been able to contact the upper leader for days, and guessed they had probably been arrested. We talked things through, and we decided that I’d go find Sister Wang Chen, the other church leader, to quickly move the offerings. But on my way to find Sister Wang Chen, I was arrested by the police. At the police station, I saw both Li Fang and Wang Chen. The next night, the police took me to a guesthouse for a secret interrogation. They handcuffed me to a chair and wouldn’t let me sleep, and four people were assigned in two shifts to guard me 24 hours a day. During this time, officers from the National Security Brigade took turns questioning me, grilling me on things like where the church’s offerings were, who the upper leaders were, where the gatherings were held, and so on. They even tried to lure me into a trap, saying that if I told them what they wanted to know, they’d let me go home. They said they’d been monitoring us by phone for months, and that this time, they’d carried out a unified operation and arrested many leaders and workers, and that the upper leader had betrayed us all. They threatened that they’d capture us all in one sweep, and they even revealed the aliases of myself, the upper leaders, and my co-workers, as well as our positions. Knowing that the police had gotten so much information, I was really nervous and scared, and I kept praying in my heart, asking God to protect me and help me stand firm in my testimony. When the police saw that I wasn’t talking, they threatened me, saying, “It’d be best if you take the easy way instead of the hard way. We’re actually doing you a favor by letting you talk. If you don’t speak, you won’t be leaving here on your feet.” Although I was very scared, I knew I couldn’t betray my brothers and sisters or sell out the interests of the church. Days passed, and because the police kept me from sleeping and interrogated and threatened me every day, my nerves were set on a knife edge, my heart was pounding, and I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. By around the fifth day, I truly couldn’t sit still anymore. The police were afraid something might happen, so they finally let me rest for a while. On the ninth day, the police came to interrogate me again and threatened me, “We have plenty of manpower and resources. Let’s see who can outlast the other. If you don’t speak now, you’ll end up begging for mercy!” I didn’t know what kind of torture they would subject me to next, but I remembered how Brother Chen Ming, a preacher, had been brutally tortured to death by the police a few months prior. I wondered, “If I don’t speak, will I end up being tortured to death like him?” Just thinking about it made me shiver with fear. When the police asked if I knew Li Fang and Wang Chen, I thought to myself, “They’ve already been arrested, and the upper leader has sold them out, so whether I admit that I know them or not, the result will be the same.” So, I confessed that I knew them. It was like the police had worked open a crack, and they kept digging at me, asking where I’d met them and where the host home was. I realized I had fallen into their trap, and after that, no matter how the police interrogated me, I just kept saying I didn’t know. When they saw they couldn’t get anything out of me, on the eleventh day, they sent me to a detention house. A month later, I was sentenced to one year of labor reeducation, but the brothers and sisters used their connections to get me released on bail pending trial and for me to serve my sentence outside of prison. Later, I heard that Li Fang and Wang Chen were sentenced to fifteen and eighteen months of labor reeducation, respectively. I thought about how I admitted to knowing them in order to save myself, and about how immoral this was of me. I felt I had no testimony before God, and my heart was filled with regret. But I didn’t fully understand the nature of the issue, and I still thought it was just my moment of ignorance that had led me to fall for the tricks of the great red dragon.

One day toward the end of 2020, I read a letter, mentioning that admitting to knowing the brothers and sisters to the police was betraying them, and that this was considered acting as a Judas. After reading the letter, I suddenly realized that my admission of knowing Li Fang and Wang Chen meant that I wasn’t just failing to stand firm in my testimony, but that I was actually behaving as a Judas! At that moment, I felt completely paralyzed, and my heart trembled. I thought about how God said: “Toward those who showed Me not the slightest loyalty during times of tribulation, I shall be merciful no more, for My mercy only extends so far. I have no liking, furthermore, for anyone who has once betrayed Me, much less do I like to associate with those who sell out the interests of their friends. This is My disposition, regardless of who the person may be” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Prepare Sufficient Good Deeds for Your Destination). I read more of God’s word. “Do not regard your transgressions as the mere mistakes of an immature or foolish person; do not use the excuse that you did not practice the truth because your poor caliber had made it impossible to do so. Moreover, do not simply regard the transgressions you have committed as the acts of someone who did not know any better. If you are good at forgiving yourself and treating yourself with generosity, then I say you are a coward who will never gain the truth, nor will your transgressions ever cease to haunt you; they will keep you from ever meeting the demands of the truth, and cause you to forever remain a loyal companion of Satan” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Transgressions Will Lead Man to Hell). In order to protect myself, I admitted to the police that I knew Li Fang and Wang Chen. This was like Judas selling out the Lord and his friends. This was an offense against God and offended His disposition. Yet faced with such a great transgression, I not only failed to reflect on myself and repent before God, but I even thought it had been caused by a mere moment of foolishness. I was truly numb! Just thinking about this matter, my heart ached. I dared not open up about my state to my brothers and sisters, as I was afraid they would look down on me and distance themselves from me, leaving me with no other choice but to cry in secret. Again and again, I prayed to God, confessing, “God, I betrayed my sisters to save my own wretched life. I now realize this was an offense against Your disposition and that I deserve to be cursed. God, I am willing to labor well, and even if You do not save me, I will have no complaints.” I also held hope in my heart, asking God to prepare an opportunity for me, that if one day I were arrested again, no matter how much pain my flesh were to suffer, even if I were tortured to death by the police, I would never betray my brothers and sisters again.

After that, I felt that someone like me could only labor in God’s house, but that God would not save me. Once this thought had come to my mind, I no longer focused on pursuing the truth or on life entry, and I stopped writing experiential testimony articles. I thought that the brothers and sisters wrote articles to testify to God, but people like me were completely unworthy to testify to God. When listening to my brothers and sisters talk about the corruption they revealed as we did our duties together, I’d think to myself, “You’ve just revealed corruption, and as long as you pursue the truth, you can change, but it’s different for me. My betraying my brothers and sisters is an eternal stain and a serious transgression, and it will never be forgiven.” Though I seemed to be burning the midnight oil in my duty, and that I submitted to whatever the supervisor arranged for me, inside, I felt utterly despondent. At that time, I was doing text-based duties, reviewing experiential testimony articles written by the brothers and sisters. I saw the various inhuman tortures the brothers and sisters experienced under the CCP, and I saw that even though they suffered excruciating pain and torture, they would rather die or spend their lives in prison than sell out their brothers and sisters or the church’s interests. They bore witness as overcomers, I truly admired and envied them, and I regretted my actions even more. We both believed in God and ate and drank His words, but I’d craved life and feared death and wished to drag out my ignoble existence, and so I betrayed my sisters to save myself. I was truly unworthy of being called a human, let alone eat and drink God’s words. The testimonies of the brothers and sisters were a silent chastisement upon me. Images from the moment I chose to drag out my ignoble existence kept appearing in my mind, and I felt an indescribable pain in my heart.

In the summer of 2022, I was supervising the text-based work for a church. Because I was just doing my duty by the numbers and the work progressed slowly, the leader pruned me for not doing actual work, but instead of reflecting on the work I hadn’t done, I wallowed in a negative state, and thought this was God revealing me, and my misunderstanding of God deepened. Although I knew in terms of doctrine that I shouldn’t misunderstand God, that the church was still allowing me to do such an important duty, and that I should cherish this duty properly, I just couldn’t get over this hole that had appeared in my heart. In my pain and helplessness, I prayed to God again and again, asking Him to lead me out of this state. One day, I read God’s words: “I do not want to see anyone feeling as though God has left them out in the cold, that God has abandoned them or disdained them. All I want to see is everyone on the road to pursuing the truth and seeking to understand God, boldly marching onward with unfaltering determination, without any misgivings or burdens. No matter what wrongs you have committed, no matter what wrong turns you have taken or how you have transgressed, do not let these become burdens or excess baggage that you have to carry with you in your pursuit of understanding God. Continue marching onward. At all times, God’s intention to save man never changes. This is the most precious part of the essence of God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique VI). When I read God’s words, it felt as if God was encouraging me face-to-face not to wallow in my transgression and give up on pursuing the truth. I couldn’t stop crying, and my heart was filled with even more self-blame and pain. Ever since I realized that my admitting to knowing the two sisters to the police was of a Judas nature, though I persisted in my duties over the past year or so, a thick barrier had risen up between my heart and God, and I had come to determine that God would not save someone like me. So I gave in to despair and stopped focusing on pursuing the truth, and I contented myself with only laboring hard. I didn’t understand God’s intentions to save people at all, and I kept second-guessing and doubting God. I was truly deceitful and rebellious!

Afterward, I read two passages of God’s words which were of great help to me. Almighty God says: “From Peter’s three denials of the Lord as recorded in the four Gospels to Peter’s ultimate upside-down crucifixion for God, what do people see when they put these two events together? Peter went from denying the Lord three times to finally being crucified upside down for God. Wasn’t there a difficult process here, a process worthy of exploration? What was this process? (The process of man’s life entry and change in disposition.) That’s right, the change in human disposition is a life journey of being able to forsake and expend oneself for God and willingly submit to all of God’s orchestrations. Life experience is exactly this process. It is absolutely not a dramatization. From the very beginning when Peter dared not admit that he was a follower of the Lord Jesus, to the end when he had courage and faith, willing to be crucified upside down for God, and rose to this level. What a process of transformation he underwent in his faith, his disposition, and his submission! There was certainly a process of growth” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). “When experiencing the hundreds of trials sent by God, Peter examined himself strictly against every word of God’s judgment and exposure of man, and every word of His demands of man, and strived to accurately fathom the meaning of those words. He tried in earnest to ponder and memorize every word that Jesus said to him, and he achieved very good results. By practicing in this way, he was able to achieve an understanding of himself from God’s words, and he not only came to understand the various corrupt states and shortcomings of man, but he also came to understand man’s essence and nature. This is what it means to truly understand oneself. From God’s words, Peter not only achieved a true understanding of himself, but he also saw God’s righteous disposition, what God has and is, God’s intentions for His work, and God’s demands of mankind. From these words he truly came to know God. He came to know God’s disposition and His essence; he came to know and understand what God has and is, as well as God’s loveliness and God’s demands for man. Although God did not speak back then as much as He does today, results in these aspects were nevertheless achieved in Peter. This was a rare and precious thing. Peter went through hundreds of trials, but he did not suffer in vain. He not only came to understand himself from the words and the work of God, but he also came to know God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Walk the Path of Peter). Pondering God’s words, I finally understood that Peter’s journey from denying the Lord three times to bearing resounding testimony by being crucified upside down for God was a process of life growth. At first, Peter didn’t understand the nature of his betrayal of God and his true stature, and when the Lord Jesus said to him: “Truly I say to you, that this night, before the cock crow, you shall deny Me thrice” (Matthew 26:34), Peter then boasted, “Though I should die with You, yet will I not deny You” (Matthew 26:35). It wasn’t until God arranged circumstances and revealed that he denied the Lord three times that Peter was truly convinced. He realized that his love for the Lord was nothing more than a wish and a few empty words, and when faced with danger, he denied the Lord Jesus to protect himself, and he came to see clearly his true stature. After many years of experience, Peter finally bore the testimony of being crucified upside down for the Lord, but this was a difficult process, and it required God to arrange many circumstances, people, events, and things, and it also depended on human pursuit. This is also the necessary process and path that God uses to transform and perfect people. Thinking back to when I first accepted God’s work of the last days, I was eager to expend myself. My parents tried to hinder and persecute me, and they even wanted to cut ties with me, but although I was weak inside, thanks to prayer and the guidance of God’s words, I was not constrained. I finally chose to leave home and do my duties, and I resolved to spend my days expending myself for God. During this time, I was elected as a leader and received the admiration of my brothers and sisters, and I couldn’t help but feel self-satisfied, thinking that I was a person of some stature and that I pursued the truth. When I heard that some people had become Judases when they were caught, I felt a deep sense of contempt for them, thinking that I had more stature than they did, and that if I were caught, I would never betray my brothers and sisters. In my faith and duties, because I only focused on expending myself enthusiastically, and I didn’t focus on pursuing the truth or accepting the judgment and chastisement of God’s words, when I was arrested by the CCP’s police force and faced with their threats and intimidation, I became afraid of physical suffering and torture, and even more so, of being beaten to death, so I betrayed my sisters. Without the revelation of the situations God arranged and the CCP arresting and persecuting me, I would never have gained a true understanding of my real stature and my nature of betrayal. Although the failure from all those years ago is an indelible stain for me, this is my true stature, and if I could reflect on myself and learn lessons from this failure, pursue the truth, and truly repent before God, then this would also be a turning point in my faith, and a good thing. I had to face my problems head-on and enter from a positive perspective. If I continued to wallow in despair and fritter away my days, without changing my corrupt disposition, and when faced with situations, I had no testimony, and my labors were ineffective, ultimately, I would certainly be eliminated. With these realizations, my state was turned around somewhat.

Afterward, I reflected on and pondered the root of my failure, and I read God’s words: “When people are ready to sacrifice their lives, everything becomes trifling, and no one can get the better of them. What could be more important than life? Thus, Satan becomes incapable of doing any more in people, there is nothing it can do with man” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Interpretations of the Mysteries of “God’s Words to the Entire Universe,” Chapter 36). The Lord Jesus said: “For whoever will save his life shall lose it: and whoever will lose his life for My sake shall find it” (Matthew 16:25). On reflection, I realized that the root of my being able to betray my sisters was my fear of death and craving for life, and also my lack of understanding of God’s almightiness and sovereignty. When the police threatened and intimidated me, I thought about how Chen Ming had been brutally tortured to death by them just a few months prior, and I feared that I too would be tortured to death and I desperately wanted to get out of this situation quickly, so I betrayed my sisters. From God’s words, I came to understand that death is not terrifying, and that what is terrifying is when a person betrays God and sells out their brothers and sisters due to cowardice and care for their own life. Even if a person’s flesh doesn’t suffer and their life is preserved, they have offended God, and their soul will suffer eternal pain, and this is something that cannot be compensated for by anything. Looking again at the brothers and sisters who endured torture and stood firm in their testimony, I saw that they endured a lot of physical pain and torture, and even faced the test of death. In Chen Ming’s case, for example, he would rather the police torture him to death than kneel to the great red dragon, betray his brothers and sisters, or sell out the interests of the church. He stood firm in his testimony before the devil, and in God’s eyes he gave the testimony of overcomers. Though the bodies of these overcomers died, their souls returned to God. This is something that cannot be replaced by anything. In my reflection, I realized that my thinking that since the two sisters had already been captured and the upper leader had already betrayed them, then even if I admitted to knowing them, it wouldn’t count as betrayal, was simply self-deception. I’d been so foolish! The upper leader’s betrayal was between him and God, but once I admitted to knowing the sisters, I shared in his evil. Thinking back to when I was captured, I wanted to stand firm in my testimony, but when my own interests were involved, I couldn’t help but protect myself. I saw that without the truth as my life, I was liable to do evil and resist God at any time and place. Now, the CCP’s arrest and persecution of Christians is becoming more severe, and in China, believing in God and doing one’s duties can result in a person being arrested and imprisoned at any time or place, and there’s even the danger of being persecuted to the point of death. For a person to stand firm in their testimony for God, the only way for them to avoid failing and falling is for them to focus on equipping themselves with the truth on a regular basis. So I focused on equipping myself with the truth regarding experiencing the persecution by the great red dragon.

Afterward, I continued to ponder, “I’ve been wallowing in my transgression and in a state of continual despondence, and I’ve been lacking motivation in my duties. What is the root cause of this?” I read God’s words. “People believe in God in order to be blessed, to be rewarded, to be crowned. Doesn’t this exist in everyone’s heart? It is a fact that it does. Although people don’t often talk about it, and even cover up their motive and desire to obtain blessings, this desire and motive deep in people’s hearts has always been unshakable. No matter how much spiritual theory people understand, what experiential knowledge they have, what duty they can perform, how much suffering they endure, or how much of a price they pay, they never let go of the motivation for blessings hidden deep in their hearts, and always silently toil in its service. Isn’t this the thing buried deepest inside people’s hearts? Without this motivation to receive blessings, how would you feel? With what attitude would you perform your duty and follow God? What would become of people if this motivation to receive blessings that is hidden in their hearts was gotten rid of? It is possible that many people would become negative, while some would become demotivated in their duties. They would lose interest in their belief in God, as if their soul had vanished. They would appear as if their heart had been snatched away. This is why I say the motivation for blessings is something hidden deep in people’s hearts” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). God exposes that people suffer and pay a price in their duties so that they can receive blessings and rewards from God, and once their hopes of receiving blessings are shattered, even if they seem to be able to persist in their duties, in reality, their heart has become paralyzed and lost its motivation. Upon reflection, I saw that I had passion in my heart when I first started out in my duties, because I’d thought that by putting aside my marriage, parents, and material comforts to expend myself for God, God wouldn’t treat me unfairly, and I’d have great hope in receiving blessings. After I realized that admitting to knowing the two sisters was the act of a Judas, I felt that I had offended God’s disposition, my hopes of receiving blessings were shattered, and I lost my motivation to do my duties. I saw that whether I’d been doing my duties actively or passively, my considerations weren’t about how to fulfill my duties and satisfy God, but that I’d only ever been thinking about my outcome and destination. In doing this, I’d been trying to deceive and bargain with God in my duties.

During my devotionals, I read more of God’s words. “As previously mentioned, events of the past can be wiped clean at a stroke; the future can be made to supersede the past; God’s tolerance is as boundless as the sea. Yet there are also principles to these words. It is not the case that God will wipe clean any sin you have committed, no matter how great. God does all His work with principles. In the past, an administrative decree was set that addresses this issue: God forgives and pardons all sins one commits before accepting His name. But for those who continue to sin after having come to believe in Him, it’s a different story: One who repeats a sin once is given the chance to repent, while those who repeat it twice or refuse to change in spite of repeated reprimands are expelled, without further chance to repent. God is always tolerant with people to the greatest extent possible in His work. In this, it can be seen that God’s work is truly the work of saving people. However, if, in this final stage of work, you would yet commit unpardonable sins, then you are truly irredeemable, and you cannot be rescued” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “Most people have transgressed and besmirched themselves in certain ways. For example, some people have resisted God and said blasphemous things; some people have rejected God’s commission and not performed their duty, and were spurned by God; some people have betrayed God when they were faced with temptations; some have betrayed God by signing the ‘Three Statements’ when they were under arrest; some have stolen offerings; some have squandered offerings; some have frequently disturbed the church life and caused harm to God’s chosen people; some have formed cliques and handled others roughly, making a shambles of the church; some have often spread notions and death, harming the brothers and sisters; and some have engaged in fornication and promiscuity, and have been a terrible influence. Suffice it to say that everyone has their transgressions and stains. Yet some people are able to accept the truth and repent, while others cannot and would die before repenting. So people should be treated according to their nature essence and their consistent behavior. Those who can repent are those who truly believe in God; but as for the truly unrepentant, those who should be cleared out and expelled will be cleared out and expelled. … God’s handling of each person is based in the actual situations of that person’s circumstances and background at the time, as well as in that person’s actions and behavior and their nature essence. God will never wrong anyone. This is one side of God’s righteousness. For example, Eve was seduced by the serpent into eating the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but Jehovah did not reproach her by saying, ‘I told you not to eat it, so why did you do it anyway? You should have had discernment; you should have known that the serpent spoke only to seduce you.’ Jehovah did not reprimand Eve like that. Because humans are God’s creation, He knows what their instincts are and what those instincts are capable of, to what extent people can control themselves, and how far people can go. God knows all this quite clearly. God’s handling of a person is not as simple as people imagine. When His attitude toward a person is one of loathing or revulsion, or when it comes to what this person says in a given context, He has a good understanding of their states. This is because God scrutinizes man’s heart and essence. People are always thinking, ‘God has only His divinity. He is righteous and brooks no offense from man. He doesn’t consider man’s difficulties or put Himself in people’s shoes. If a person should resist God, He will punish them.’ That is not how things are at all. If that is how someone understands His righteousness, His work, and His treatment of people, they are gravely mistaken. God’s determination of each person’s outcome is not based in man’s notions and imaginings, but in God’s righteous disposition. He will repay each person according to what they have done. God is righteous, and sooner or later, He will see to it that all people are convinced, through and through” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). Originally, I thought that betraying the sisters was the act of a Judas, and that God had already characterized me as a Judas. And that even though the church hadn’t expelled me and was still giving me the opportunity to do my duties, I was merely laboring, and that no matter how much I pursued, it would all be for nothing. Looking back, I saw these were just my notions and imaginings and my lack of understanding of God’s righteous disposition. In reality, God treats people with principles. Just like when some people are arrested, they face moments of weakness and sell out certain details which may not cause significant harm to the work of God’s house, and so long as they feel true remorse later on, God still gives them the opportunity to repent. But if they bring disasters down upon the work of God’s house and upon the brothers and sisters, and they cause significant damage, then they are condemned by God, and for such people, God has only curses, and no mercy. I thought back to when I was arrested and admitted to knowing the two sisters. This was because the police threatened and intimidated me, and didn’t let me sleep for many days. I had a moment of weakness, and I was foolish and ignorant, and I thought that the sisters had already been arrested, and that the upper leader had betrayed us all, so I finally admitted that I knew them. However, I didn’t betray any other brothers and sisters in the church, and later, upon understanding the nature of this issue, I regretted it deeply. In God’s eyes, I had transgressed in this. But a real Judas, who betrays both the Lord and their friends, is different. For example, the upper leader Lu, who was arrested with me back then, under the torture and cruelty of the great red dragon, betrayed around 20 to 30 leaders and workers, and she also sold out the locations of four of the homes where the church’s offerings were being safeguarded. In her wicked derangement, she even led the police to one of the homes of the custodians. A sister questioned her about the reasons for her betrayal, and she shamelessly replied, “How could I not have spoken?” She’d truly become a servant of Satan and was eventually expelled. I realized that God treats everyone based on the background and the extent of their evil actions, as well as based on whether they have true remorse afterward. I had gained some understanding of God’s righteous disposition, and my heart can’t help but express gratitude and praise to God. I also saw the importance of pursuing the truth more clearly. I prayed to God, saying that I would diligently pursue the truth, and fulfill my duties to repay His love.

Later on, I read more of God’s words. “And how can you be absolved and forgiven by God? This depends on your heart. If you sincerely confess, truly recognize your mistake and your problem, recognize what you’ve done—whether it be a transgression or a sin—adopt an attitude of true confession, feel true hatred for what you’ve done, and really turn yourself around, and you never do that wrong thing again, then there will eventually come a day when you will receive God’s absolution and forgiveness, that is, God will no longer determine your outcome based on the ignorant, stupid, and dirty things you have done before. … Some people ask, ‘How much do I have to pray before I know that God has forgiven me?’ When you no longer feel incriminated by this matter, when you no longer slip into despondency because of this matter, that is when you will have achieved results, and it will show that God has absolved you. When no one, no power, and no outside force can disturb you, and when you are not constrained by any person, event, or thing, that is when you will have achieved results. This is the first step you need to take. The second step is that, while constantly beseeching God for absolution, you should actively seek the principles you should follow as you do your duty—only by doing this will you be able to do your duty well. Of course, this is also a practical action, a practical manifestation and attitude that make up for your transgression, and that prove that you are repentant and that you have turned yourself around; this is something you ought to do. How well do you perform your duty, the commission God gives to you? Do you approach it with a despondent attitude, or with the principles God requires you to follow? Do you offer up your loyalty? On what basis should God absolve you? Have you expressed any repentance? What are you showing to God? If you wish to receive God’s absolution, then you must first be sincere: You must have an attitude of earnest confession on the one hand, and you must also bring your sincerity and do your duty well, otherwise there’s nothing to talk about. If you can do these two things, if you can move God with your sincerity and good faith, so that He absolves you of your sins, then you will be just like other people. God will look upon you in the same way as He looks upon other people, He will treat you in the same way as He treats other people, and He will judge and chastise, try and refine you just as He does other people—you will be treated no differently. In this way you will not only have the determination and desire to pursue the truth, but God will also enlighten you, guide you, and provide for you in the same way in your pursuit of the truth. Of course, because you now have a sincere and genuine desire and an earnest attitude, God will treat you no differently than anyone else and, just like other people, you will have the chance to attain salvation” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (2)). God’s words deeply moved me, and I understood that to receive God’s forgiveness, I must sincerely confess and repent for my transgression, fulfill my duty with sincerity, and pursue the truth and dispositional change in my duty. Reflecting on when I realized that my confessing to the police that I knew the two sisters had a Judas nature, I was filled with regret, and I just hoped that one day when I was captured by the CCP again, I should be sure to stand firm in my testimony for God before Satan, and even if it meant being imprisoned for life or even beaten to death, I would no longer do anything to shame God. I thought that only this would truly signify my repentance, but I overlooked that I hadn’t encountered such circumstances yet, and God had still shown me grace with the opportunity to do my duty, and that I should pursue the truth and fulfill my duty. I thought of how David using his power to take Uriah’s wife offended God, and about how God’s punishment came upon him. David was filled with regret and cried so much that his tears soaked his bed, and by the time he’d grown old, he didn’t even approach the young girl who warmed his bed. David truly repented before God. Then there’s Peter. When the Lord Jesus was captured by the authorities, Peter, due to a moment of weakness, denied the Lord three times, but afterward, he wept and repented, yet he did not give in to despair because of it. Instead, he focused on self-reflection, knowing himself, accepting God’s commission, and watching over and shepherding the flock, and when the time came, he chose to be crucified upside down for God, bearing beautiful and resounding testimony. Although my character is not comparable to that of David or Peter, I should follow their example and achieve true repentance. As long as God’s work isn’t finished, I still have the opportunity to pursue the truth and be saved. Realizing these things, I prayed to God with a grateful heart, “God, thank You for giving me the opportunity to repent. I am willing to practice according to Your words, pursue the truth in my duties, and sincerely repent to You.” Later, when I faced difficulties in my duties and poor results in my work, I prayed and reflected before God, seeking relevant truths to resolve the issues, and if I still didn’t understand something, I would seek and fellowship with the leaders and cooperate with the brothers and sisters around me. By practicing in this way, I gained some understanding of the corrupt dispositions I revealed in my duty, found some paths by which to do my duties, attained better work results, and made some progress in my life entry.

In the process of going through this experience, I came to see my true stature clearly, and though I believed in God and was doing my duties, before I gained the truth, the danger of betraying God was 100%. I realized my stature was truly immature, and I developed a determination to pursue the truth because of this. At the same time, I truly experienced God’s words in reference to how He saves people to the greatest extent. Without God’s mercy and tolerance, and without the guidance of His words, I truly wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today. I thank God from the bottom of my heart!