By Zhengliang, China

After accepting Almighty God’s work of the last days, I was always spreading the gospel in the church. Later on, I became a group leader and was in charge of the gospel work of four or five churches. Through working hard for a period of time, the gospel work produced some results, and I was quite pleased with myself. In particular, some church leaders who had run into difficulties with the gospel work sought my fellowship, and the brothers and sisters also thought quite highly of me. So, I was very happy, thinking, “It looks like I understand quite a bit of the truth and have a little of the truth reality.”

In 2013, I came back to the local church to spread the gospel. I thought to myself, “Spending the last year or so away spreading the gospel, I got quite a lot of practice and came to understand some truths. Now that I’m back at the church, they’ll definitely focus on grooming me, and when they listen to my fellowship, it’ll definitely be different than in the past. Maybe I’ll even be chosen to be a church leader in the elections.” A few days later, a church leader named Jia Xin came to my house. She said that her duty was really wearing her out, and that a few co-workers said that she couldn’t resolve problems, that she was always half-asleep at gatherings, and that she didn’t have the work of the Holy Spirit and should hold herself accountable and resign. She said that the preachers had urged her to do the same. She also made sure to emphasize that these two preachers had once been dismissed by her, but they had never self-reflected and even said that she was suppressing them. Jia Xin asked us how she should experience such circumstances. Hearing her say all this, I got very angry, thinking, “Is this not retaliation? I’ve been partnered with Jia Xin before, and she could really suffer and pay a price when spreading the gospel. Sometimes, the newcomers worked late into the day, but she would still always rebel against her flesh and go gather with them. She’s quite responsible; how could they say she doesn’t have the work of the Holy Spirit? Are they not suppressing her? That’s what false leaders and workers do. No, I can’t just let this slide. Now that I’m back, I’ve got to help her.” Soon afterward, I went with my wife to get an understanding of and investigate this matter. While we were investigating, I was quite satisfied with myself, thinking, “I’m quite discerning; just after returning to the church I’ll already be discerning false leaders. If these false leaders and workers can be reported and dismissed, I will have done a great deed. After they’re dismissed, maybe I’ll get the chance to be chosen as a leader. I’ll really be killing two birds with one stone.” Thinking of this, my “sense of justice” became even stronger. After a few days, I found out that Jia Xin had been removed from her position by several co-workers. The co-workers dissected Jia Xin’s behavior at the gatherings and helped the brothers and sisters discern her. Hearing this news, I was filled with anger, thinking, “Jia Xin can forsake and suffer more than any of you. How could she be a false leader who doesn’t have the work of the Holy Spirit? You can all be removed, but she can’t.” I believed this was an act of retaliation, and so I spread the accusation at the gathering places that these were false leaders and workers, and that removing Jia Xin didn’t comply with the work arrangements. This led to the brothers and sisters being unable to live normal church lives, and the church became a bit chaotic.

Some time after, a sister came to deal with the chaos at the church. She said her investigation had shown that Jia Xin didn’t know how to fellowship on the truth and couldn’t resolve the actual problems of the brothers and sisters. She said Jia Xin was truly a false leader who couldn’t do real work, and that according to the principles, she should be dismissed. But hearing that sister say this, I was a bit suspicious, thinking, “Were we really wrong about this? That can’t be! I too have a basis for how I judge people; I won’t be misled by all of you. You’re backing the leaders and workers.” After that, I didn’t listen to anything else the sister said, just thinking that she had handled things unfairly. Then, I wrote a letter of report along with three other people, saying that these leaders and workers removing Jia Xin did not comply with the principles and that they were retaliating against her. However, the process of writing this letter of report was not smooth at all. As we were writing it, we always ran into differences, everyone sticking to their own views. We wrote it over and over again, and each time there were new errors. I had misgivings, thinking, “Is our reporting them not in line with God’s will? If it’s not, we shouldn’t do it.” But I also thought, “If I back out of this and the others really report and dismiss the false leaders, the meritorious deed will be theirs. Then wouldn’t all this have been for nothing? The brothers and sisters would certainly think that they’re the ones who understand the truth, who have discernment and a sense of justice. Nobody would think highly of me.” So, when the report letter was finished, I signed my name, and we also reported the sister who dealt with the church chaos. After turning in the letter, I was quite pleased with myself. I thought, “This time, when the false leaders and workers are dismissed and the superior leaders see that I understand the truth and can discern people, they might even break protocol to promote me. The brothers and sisters will all praise my caliber; how splendid it will be!” Several days later, I received a letter from the superior leaders saying that now, the Communist Party’s arrests were very serious, and that they needed some time before they could look into and handle this report letter. One sister said, “The arrests can only get worse in the future. If we wait for the superior leaders to deal with this, it’ll be too late. Even though we aren’t leaders or workers, we’ve still got to help the brothers and sisters be more discerning.” I listened, thinking, “That’s right. Isn’t helping the brothers and sisters become more discerning a way of doing one’s duty? When these false leaders are dismissed, everyone will definitely give me credit for this achievement, and maybe I’ll be able to be elected as a leader.” So, I went to the gathering places and said that the leaders and workers removing Jia Xin did not align with the principles. I also said that Jia Xin was not a false leader, and that she performed her duty from dawn to dusk and could do some real work. During that time, when brothers and sisters gathered, they didn’t fellowship on God’s words and only remarked on these matters. Some brothers and sisters were misled by us and took our side, developing prejudices against the leaders and workers and saying they were false ones. Some wouldn’t even receive them at their homes, resulting in the leaders and workers being unable to do their duties normally. Some discerning people took the side of the leaders and workers, saying that we were disturbing the church life. In this way, two factions were formed in the church; we were like two armies pitted against each other. Whenever we gathered, we would discuss these matters, and the brothers and sisters lost their normal church lives. The chaos in the church went on like this for several months.

One day, the superior leaders came to investigate and get an understanding of the contents of our report letter. I thought to myself, “Those false leaders and workers will definitely be dismissed.” Just when I was feeling happy about things, one of the leaders used God’s words to dissect the nature of our conduct. She said we were forming factions, dividing up the church, and disturbing the church life, resulting in the leaders and workers being unable to work normally and putting the church work at a standstill. She said we were doing evil. She also said that as a leader, Jia Xin didn’t know how to guide the brothers and sisters to experience God’s work. Instead, she always tried to win people over and spread her dissatisfaction with co-workers. How could she have the work of the Holy Spirit? She said Jia Xin couldn’t do real work or resolve the brothers and sisters’ problems, and that no matter how she appeared to forsake and expend herself, she was a false leader and should be dismissed; that was what complied with the principles. Hearing this sister fellowship and dissect Jia Xin being a false leader, my heart was pounding, and I thought, “What they’re saying makes sense. Jia Xin was exposed and removed by those co-workers, and she should have reflected on and tried to understand herself. Instead, she came to us time and again, feeling wronged and venting her grievances. She really didn’t accept the truth or experience God’s work. I stood up for Jia Xin and even judged other leaders and workers, disturbing the church life. The nature of this is serious!” However, since I didn’t have any understanding of my conduct, at the time, I just simply acknowledged that I had made a mistake. In the end, the superior leaders said that we had severely disturbed the church life and that the nature of this was serious. They arranged for us to isolate at home and reflect.

One day, I went to my mother’s house, and she gave me three notices of expulsion. Looking at them, I saw that aside from Jia Xin, to my surprise, there were also expulsion notices for my wife and me. The notices read that Jia Xin was insidious and cunning, sowing discord and forming factions in the church, and that ultimately, she was determined to be an antichrist and expelled. As for me, I followed this antichrist in doing evil and disrupting and disturbing the church life. I was this antichrist’s accomplice, and so I was also expelled. When I finished reading these expulsion notices, I simply couldn’t believe my eyes. It was like when a prisoner sees the written verdict of their death sentence. I was so scared that my legs weakened and I couldn’t stop trembling, and I thought, “I’ve been expelled? Weren’t we supposed to just be reflecting at home? How could we be expelled? I’ve really done great evil this time.” At the time, my mind was blank, and I hurried home to tell my wife about us being expelled. After telling her, I couldn’t hold back any longer, and I sat on the floor and wept. I thought to myself, “I’m done for, now I’m really done for. My journey of believing in God has come to an end, and I can never go back to the church again. This time, I really offended God’s disposition, and maybe I’ll have to be punished someday.” Thinking of this, it was like my heart had been stabbed with a knife; I was in extreme despair and pain. I hated myself for being able to do something like this. How could I blindly trust Jia Xin’s words? There was no way to make up for the great disturbance I’d caused to the church life, and the more I thought about it, the more my heart hurt. Every day, I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. I couldn’t eat or get a good night’s sleep, and after a period of time, I’d lost more than 10 pounds. Every day, it was like I was just waiting to die. I thought that I no longer had a chance of being saved, that I was destined to be punished and go to hell. I was like a patient with terminal cancer, as negative and despairing as one can be. I thought that I was going to die sooner or later, so I might as well get it over with. When I was at my most pained and helpless, I thought of the lyrics from a hymn of God’s words titled “Seek to Love God No Matter How Great Your Suffering”: “Today, most people do not have that knowledge. They believe that suffering is without value, they are renounced by the world, their home life is troubled, they are not beloved of God, and their prospects are bleak. The suffering of some people reaches an extreme, and their thoughts turn to death. This is not true love for God; such people are cowards, they have no perseverance, they are weak and powerless!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only by Experiencing Painful Trials Can You Know the Loveliness of God). I listened to this hymn over and over. It seemed as if God was using this hymn to tell me that He didn’t want me to be so weak and powerless, that He didn’t want me to lose my faith in Him. I had done so much evil and was already someone who had been expelled, and I was destined to be punished in the future, but God still enlightened me and guided me to think of this hymn, not letting me sink further into negativity. I was extremely moved by this, and a shred of hope appeared in my heart, along with a bit of strength. Later, I read more of God’s words that said: “To follow the practical God, we must have this resolve: No matter how great the environments we encounter, nor what kind of difficulties we face, and no matter how weak or negative we are, we cannot lose faith in our dispositional change or in the words that God has spoken. God has made a promise to mankind, and this requires people to have resolve, faith, and perseverance to bear it. God does not like cowards; He likes people with resolve. Even if you’ve revealed a lot of corruption, even if you’ve taken the wrong path many times, or committed many transgressions, complained about God, or from within religion resisted God or harbored blasphemy against Him in your heart, and so on—God doesn’t look at all that. God only looks at whether someone pursues the truth and whether they can one day change” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Path of Practice Toward Changing One’s Disposition). I saw that God did not like cowards; He liked people who were resolute. Although I’d been expelled for doing such great evil, what God placed importance on was whether or not I could change. If I changed, then even if I died and was punished in the end, it would be worth it. During that time, the hymn lyrics and God’s words would occasionally come to my mind. I was very moved, and thought that God had not left me. In my most dejected and darkest time, He had used His words to guide, encourage, and comfort me. I thought that God loved man so much, and that I couldn’t go on being negative. From then on, I woke up early every day and persisted in eating and drinking God’s words, reflecting on the ways in which I had offended God.

One day, I read these words of God: “Many in the church have no discernment. When something misleading occurs, they unexpectedly stand on the side of Satan; they even take offense at being called Satan’s lackeys. Though people might say they have no discernment, they always stand on the side without truth, they never stand on the side of the truth at the critical time, they never stand up and argue for the truth. Do they truly lack discernment? Why do they unexpectedly take the side of Satan? Why do they never say one word that is fair and reasonable in support of the truth? Has this situation genuinely arisen as a result of their momentary confusion? The less discernment people have, the less able they are to stand on the side of truth. What does this show? Does it not show that people without discernment love sin? Does it not show that they are the loyal spawn of Satan? Why is it that they are always able to stand on the side of Satan and speak its language? Their every word and deed, the expressions on their faces, are all sufficient to prove that they are not any kind of lovers of the truth; rather, they are people who detest the truth. That they can stand on the side of Satan is enough to prove that Satan really loves these petty devils who spend their lives fighting for Satan’s sake. Are all these facts not abundantly clear?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. A Warning to Those Who Do Not Practice the Truth). “Because they do not love the truth, because they are incapable of standing on the side of the truth, because they follow evil people and stand on the side of evil people, and because they collude with evil people and defy God. They know perfectly well that what those evil people radiate is evil, yet they harden their hearts and turn their backs on the truth to follow them. Are these people who do not practice the truth but who do destructive and abominable things not all committing evil? Although there are those among them who style themselves as kings and others who follow them, are their God-defying natures not all the same? What excuse can they have to claim that God does not save them? What excuse can they have to claim that God is not righteous? Is it not their own evil that is destroying them? Is it not their own rebelliousness that is dragging them down into hell?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. A Warning to Those Who Do Not Practice the Truth). Reading God’s words, I felt humiliated and distressed. That I could do such great evil was not merely because I was undiscerning; it was primarily because I treasured reputation and status too dearly. Jia Xin won us over in order to protect her status as leader. I didn’t discern the intentions behind her actions, nor did I look at whether her words aligned with the facts. I just blindly stood up for her, wanting to be a “fighter for justice” and show myself off. I also wanted to seize the chance to achieve leadership status. When we were writing the report letter, I clearly sensed that we didn’t have God’s guidance. We couldn’t reach a consensus on our opinions, and my heart didn’t feel at peace. Still, I was hard-headed and carried on with the letter, following this antichrist in doing evil. The upper-level sister who came to the church fellowshipped to help me and expose me, but I didn’t reverse course, fearing that I would be looked down on by others if I acknowledged my mistakes. I went to the gathering places and wantonly judged people, spreading the information that the leaders and workers were false ones. My goal was to get the brothers and sisters to reject the leaders and workers and think highly of me, so I could possibly be chosen in future elections. Because of my disturbances, the brothers and sisters couldn’t gather and eat and drink God’s words normally. Half of the brothers and sisters in the church were misled by us, and together we stood against the leaders and workers. God wanted brothers and sisters to be able to gather and fellowship on His words normally and to do their duties well as one. When God was building the church, Satan wanted to tear down His work. Meanwhile, I was playing the role of Satan’s servant and accomplice, disrupting and disturbing the church work. In having these manifestations, I wasn’t just taking the wrong side from a momentary lack of discernment. My nature was the same as Jia Xin’s; we were both extremely fond of reputation and status. To obtain status, we created disorder in the church, and I was expelled because I pursued status instead of pursuing the truth. Thinking of this, I was extremely remorseful and self-reproaching. I knelt on the floor and gave myself more than 100 firm slaps on the cheek. I wanted to ruthlessly punish myself to keep this lesson in my memory. I also prayed to God, “God, I have done evil. I pursued status and disturbed the church work. I am willing to repent, to properly self-reflect and try to understand my evil deeds.”

After that, I continued to self-reflect, thinking, “Why do I love status so much and always want to pursue and obtain it? Why am I so arrogant and capable of doing these evil things?” I read a passage of God’s words: “If, in your heart, you truly understand the truth, then you will know how to practice the truth and submit to God, and will naturally embark on the path of pursuing the truth. If the path you walk is the right one, and in line with God’s will, then the work of the Holy Spirit will not leave you—in which case there will be less and less chance of you betraying God. Without the truth, it is easy to do evil, and you will do it despite yourself. For example, if you have an arrogant and conceited disposition, then being told not to oppose God makes no difference, you can’t help yourself, it is beyond your control. You would not do it on purpose; you would do it under the domination of your arrogant and conceited nature. Your arrogance and conceit would make you look down on God and see Him as being of no account; they would cause you to exalt yourself, constantly put yourself on display; they would make you scorn others, they would leave no one in your heart but yourself; they would rob you of God’s place in your heart, and ultimately cause you to sit in the place of God and demand that people submit to you, and make you venerate your own thoughts, ideas, and notions as the truth. So much evil is done by people under the dominance of their arrogant and conceited nature!” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Achieve a Change in Disposition). Through God’s words, I understood that the root cause of my being able to do these evil things was that I was too arrogant, had too much belief in myself, and thought too highly of myself. I believed that because I could spread the gospel and resolve some problems, this meant that I understood the truth and had reality. Thus, I was able to blindly believe in myself and act recklessly, and as a result, I did all of those evil deeds. When it came to Jia Xin’s removal, I never properly sought the truth principles. I saw that Jia Xin could forsake, expend herself, suffer, and pay a price in her duty, and so I thought that she was practicing the truth and had the work of the Holy Spirit. I thought that, without pursuing the truth, who would be able to do all those things to such an extent? In reality, when discerning whether someone has the work of the Holy Spirit, one cannot judge based on them appearing to suffer, pay a price, forsake, and expend themselves. These are things any enthusiastic person can do. One must mainly look at whether this person is able to pray to God when matters befall them, and if, even when it doesn’t comply with their own notions, they can let go, seek the truth, and have a heart that fears and submits to God. Additionally, they should be able to guide God’s chosen people to experience God’s words and understand themselves, and they should also resolve the brothers and sisters’ problems in their duties. This is what a leader and worker should do. Jia Xin was unable to do leadership work, let alone have the work of the Holy Spirit. When people exposed her problems, she didn’t accept it, even complaining about perceived injustices and misleading us. She intentionally spread the information among us that the reports filed against her were untrue, roping us in so that we’d stand up for her. We were misled by her and told people in the church that the leaders and workers were suppressing her, which led to the church splitting into factions and descending into chaos. Jia Xin forsook and expended herself a bit, but she didn’t seek the truth at all when matters befell her, nor did she reflect on or try to understand herself. To safeguard her status, she caused disruptions and disturbances and laid waste to the church’s work. Her expending herself and suffering was all to safeguard and satisfy her personal desire for status. As soon as someone touched her status, she would do such evil deeds as forming factions and sowing discord. Her nature was one of hating the truth; she was a sly, deceitful, insidious, and vicious antichrist. I had no discernment whatsoever. I followed Jia Xin in doing evil and judged the leaders and workers during gatherings, and as a result, the brothers and sisters were misled and took my side, excluding the leaders and workers. This caused severe disturbances to the church life. I had done such great evil, yet I still thought I had a sense of justice; I was truly so muddled and so arrogant that I had lost all reason. If I just understood a bit of the truth and had a God-fearing heart, I wouldn’t have done such great evil. I saw that I lacked so much, and my disposition was so arrogant. I badly needed God’s chastening and discipline to cleanse and change me!

Later, I read more of God’s words: “Before God sends forth His rage, He has already perceived the essence of every matter quite clearly and completely, and He has already formulated accurate, clear definitions and conclusions. Thus, God’s objective in everything He does is crystal-clear, as is His attitude. He is not muddle-headed, blind, impulsive, or careless, and He is certainly not unprincipled. This is the practical aspect of God’s wrath, and it is because of this practical aspect of God’s wrath that humanity has attained its normal existence. Without God’s wrath, humanity would descend into abnormal living conditions and all things just, beautiful and good would be destroyed and cease to exist. Without God’s wrath, the laws and rules of existence for created beings would be broken or even utterly subverted. Since the creation of man, God has continuously used His righteous disposition to safeguard and sustain humanity’s normal existence. Because His righteous disposition contains wrath and majesty, all wicked people, things and objects, and all things that disturb and damage humanity’s normal existence, are punished, controlled and destroyed as a result of His wrath” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique II). “God is possessed of this kind of righteous disposition because He detests wickedness, darkness, rebelliousness and Satan’s wicked acts—corrupting and devouring mankind—because He detests all acts of sin in opposition to Him and because of His holy and undefiled essence. It is because of this that He will not suffer any of the created or non-created beings to openly oppose or contest Him. Even an individual to whom He had once shown mercy or whom He had chosen, need only provoke His disposition and transgress His principles of patience and tolerance, and God will unleash and reveal His righteous disposition that tolerates no offense without the least bit of mercy or hesitation” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique II). Through God’s words, I understood that God’s righteous disposition is not to be offended by man. God has principles in condemning and casting out someone. It is not a momentary impulse or something done casually; rather, it is done when He sees through to someone’s essence. During the time when I was doing evil, the brothers and sisters repeatedly advised me and asked me to self-reflect and not cause disruptions and disturbances. However, I didn’t accept this, and whenever someone’s fellowship didn’t comply with my views, I would oppose them, which led to my evildoing becoming more and more serious. From my initial disobedience to causing a disturbance later on, and finally dividing up the church, each of these evil acts was evidence of my arrogance and conceitedness, my aversion to and hatred of the truth. I was so arrogant and intransigent, not accepting the truth until I’d already been expelled. God had already given me multiple chances to repent, but I rejected them all. If the church hadn’t expelled me, neither God’s fury nor the church’s chaos would have subsided. I thought of how, before God destroyed Sodom, He warned the city’s people multiple times that they must repent, but they stubbornly antagonized Him and didn’t show a shred of repentance. In the end, God unleashed His wrath on Sodom and destroyed the city. Now, I had personally experienced God’s righteous disposition, and although my heart was greatly tormented and in pain, it had stopped me from doing evil and made me see that God’s disposition is not to be offended, and that the truth and righteousness are what hold power in the church. Now, that God let me keep breathing and did not take my life was already a sign of His mercy. If I continued to not reflect on or try to understand myself, I would ultimately be destroyed by God. I went before God and prayed to Him, “God, I have done evil and offended Your disposition. That I have been expelled is Your righteousness. My past transgressions cannot be made up for, and now I am living to understand myself and repent to You.” I made up my mind that regardless of my outcome in the future, I would pursue the truth and cast off my corrupt disposition, no longer pursuing reputation and status. If God really did destroy me one day, that would still be His righteousness. I had no high hopes of entering the kingdom; I only wanted to start anew, to be a true created being. I prayed to God in my heart, saying that if He gave me one more chance, I was willing to be one of the smallest followers in the church. I was willing to perform any duty I was assigned; it was enough for me to just do something for God’s house. Later on, the church found me, and they had me help the brothers and sisters purchase goods. I felt very honored.

One day in April of 2016, a leader came to my house and said to me, “You have been accepted into the church again, and the majority of brothers and sisters agreed with this decision.” At the time, I was so emotional that I didn’t know what to say. After the leader left, I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. In my heart, I was thanking and praising God continuously! I prayed to God, “God! I didn’t expect that You’d give me a chance to return to the church. Thank You for standing by me, for enlightening me and guiding me to understand myself. God! I am willing to cherish this opportunity, and I guarantee that I will no longer do evil or cause disturbances. If I revert to my old dispositions and disturb the church, I’m willing to receive Your punishment.”

After returning to the church, I soon began performing my duty. One time, the church leader came to me and arranged for me to perform a hosting duty. I thought to myself, “How could they make me do this duty? Isn’t this a duty for people who are getting on in years? If the brothers and sisters heard about this, what would they think of me?” I had some thoughts about the leader and felt that they were wasting my talents on a petty job. However, later on, I read God’s words that said: “When God requires that people fulfill their duty well, He is not asking them to complete a certain number of tasks or accomplish any great endeavors, nor to perform any great undertakings. What God wants is for people to be able to do all they can in a down-to-earth way, and live in accordance with His words. God does not need you to be great or noble, or bring about any miracles, nor does He want to see any pleasant surprises in you. He does not need such things. All God needs is for you to steadfastly practice according to His words. When you listen to God’s words, do what you have understood, carry out what you have comprehended, remember well what you have heard, and then, when the time comes to practice, do so according to God’s words. Let them become your life, your realities, and what you live out. Thus, God will be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Proper Fulfillment of Duty Requires Harmonious Cooperation). Through God’s words, I understood that God did not need me to do greatly important work. What He wanted was for me to do my duty in a down-to-earth way. Even if it was an ordinary duty, as long as I listened to God’s words and did it according to His demands, that’d be enough. I couldn’t do my duty according to my preferences; I had to base it on the needs of the church’s work. I ought to submit to the church’s arrangements and work quietly to do my duty well. This was what a person with a conscience and reason would do. Now, being faced with this duty had revealed and tested me. Without such circumstances, I’d have thought that I was quite submissive toward God and that my arrogant disposition and desire for pursuing reputation and status had already changed. In reality, I was still quite arrogant and conceited; I had wild ambitions and desires and was unwilling to be the smallest in the crowd. This was my true stature. To be purified and change, I needed to experience the judgment and chastisement of God’s words as well as trials and refinement. Recognizing this, I accepted this duty. Even though I didn’t know how to cook, I could diligently learn how while doing my duty and host the brothers and sisters according to the principles. My heart felt at peace doing this. Thank God for saving me!