By Wenwen, Jilin Province

My conception had always been that as long as I did things in the right way, and that I didn’t show any expressions of corruption to people, then I considered my disposition to have changed. Therefore, in everything I did, I paid special attention to whether I was doing it right or not, and as long as my outward behaviors and practices were right, I thought it was fine. For example, when faced with being pruned and dealt with, I focused on where I’d gone wrong, and so long as someone could point out the ways in which I’d gone wrong, I would be convinced, but if someone pointed out the essence of the problem and fellowshiped their understanding about my corrupt nature, then I would refuse to accept it and was unwilling to understand that aspect. Later, the sisters and brothers gave me fellowship, saying that one could only have his disposition changed by knowing his own nature, and that I did not know my nature. After listening to the words of the sisters and brothers, I started learning to know my nature. When someone gave fellowship and said, “This display of showing off is dominated by your arrogant nature,” then I said, “Yes, I am arrogant, my nature is arrogant!” Someone else said, “This dissolute and unrestrained behavior is dominated by your evil human nature.” I then continued, “Oh yes, my nature is evil.” I didn’t think it was difficult to know my nature as long as I repeated which kinds of nature dominated each of these behaviors. If someone asked me, “By which nature is this behavior dominated?” I would say, “It is arrogance, evilness, selfishness, deceit….” This kind of questioning and answering was like filling in the blanks, and it seemed so easy. In the end, the sisters and brothers told me that my self-knowledge was too superficial and it was all doctrines. Hence, talking later about knowing myself, I said, “I am too arrogant, boundlessly arrogant. I’m too evil, and too selfish.” I thought that adding the word “too” to what I’d known about myself before would make it sound like I’d deepened my understanding. In this way, because I didn’t understand and wasn’t clear on the significance of God’s requirement for people to know their own natures, therefore, when I revealed corruption or when I read God’s words which revealed the essence of man’s nature, I only understood it from the perspective of following the rules; I was much like a parrot, repeating words about knowing myself without really understanding from my heart or appreciating how I was deeply corrupted by Satan. Therefore, I did not hate myself, nor did I think of how dangerous it was to carry on that way. Even in the face of the incredibly stern words of judgment of God, I did not feel shocked. Rather, it didn’t bother me, which resulted in my disposition not changing at all. Even though I was ignorant, numb, and poor in caliber, God had not abandoned me, but instead, He always guided and enlightened me, leading me to know my nature and substance and walk the way to have my disposition changed.

A few days ago, I moved with a brother to a new host family. During a fellowship, the elderly sister who was hosting us spoke openly to us her prejudices and opinions about some brothers and sisters she had previously hosted. After listening, I did not take it to heart, and I didn’t fellowship the truth with her. This is how the time passed. Then, another two brothers who performed duties with us came to stay for several days. After they had left, the elderly sister told us her opinions of these two brothers. At that moment, my mind reacted, and I thought: “The majority of what you say does not fit the facts; this is all conjecture. God requires that we brothers and sisters love, help and support each other. I must practice the truth and fellowship with you the truth of being an honest person. You shouldn’t speculate or surmise about others arbitrarily.” Two days after my fellowship, the sister came to me and told me which things I’d said and done that had made her feel constrained. She poured out all of her thoughts, crying as she spoke. Seeing this, I thought: “You are too suspicious, and are suspicious about everyone. This time you are suspicious of me. This won’t do. I need to clearly fellowship with you so you won’t be prejudiced against me.” Therefore, I had a frank talk with her, and pinpointed the nature she displayed as well as her behaviors of suspicion and judgment, so that she could recognize them. The sister seemed to accept it, but she was not inwardly convinced. In the days that followed, she claimed to have this kind and that kind of illness. Seeing this, I thought: “You’re clearly not convinced inside, but rather you just pretend to accept it; aren’t you engaging in pretense and deception? There are lessons to learn when one is sick. You should do some serious introspection, for you have been in continuous illness.” In thinking this, I took on another “burden,” which led me to fellowship with the elderly sister again. I told her that the illness was due to rebellion and corruption, and I asked her to examine herself and know herself. However, during this fellowship, the sister just scowled, and didn’t even pretend to accept it. I was dumbfounded, and thought: “I have been so caring in helping you and have given you fellowship over and over again, but you won’t accept it and are even suspicious of me. You are such a dishonest person! If you do not accept the truth, who else could possibly help you? Forget it, I can’t do anything, it is up to you.” I pushed all the responsibility onto the elderly sister, thinking that she was too deceitful; I believed that I was a good person who practiced the truth, who was willing to help his sisters and brothers and who cared about God’s will. In this way, I became full of opinions about the elderly sister, and she would not listen to my fellowships anymore.

Faced with this awkward situation, I had to do some self-introspection: “Could I have been wrong? I was not wrong! When I saw the elderly sister’s shortcomings, I helped her with a loving heart! Is it because I did not rely on God? Not really, I prayed to God every time before fellowshiping with her. I have done nothing wrong in my practices, and nothing like this has ever happened while helping others in the past. The problem must lie with the elderly sister and it is because she is not innocent.” However, when thinking this way, I felt troubled, and especially when seeing the elderly sister suffering from her illness, I felt really uneasy and a feeling of guilt arose in my heart. I wanted to help her from the bottom of my heart, but I did not know how to practice. So I had to come to God and seek for His help, and I read God’s words, “Your lips are kinder than doves, but your heart is more sinister than that serpent of old. Your lips are as pretty even as Lebanese women, yet your heart is not kinder than theirs, and it certainly cannot compare to the beauty of the Canaanites. Your heart is so treacherous!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. You Are All So Base in Character!). God’s words immediately gripped my heart. I could not help but reflect on what I had done over those past few days and the thoughts that were behind it. When hearing the elderly sister talk about her opinions of other sisters and brothers, I did not respond because I thought it was none of my business and that it didn’t affect me; when hearing the elderly sister speak her opinions of the two brothers whom I knew, I couldn’t ignore it any longer, and I felt that I should fellowship with her in case she misunderstood them; when I heard that the elderly sister had opinions about what I had said and done, I paid even more attention, and I tried to give her fellowship so that she wouldn’t have any bad opinion about me. I claimed that I was helping her out of compassion. The fact was that I wanted to convince and overpower her using the truth, to shut her mouth, prevent her from judging me and even more so prevent her from having a bad opinion of me. When the sister was unwilling to accept what I said, I would add insult to injury. I would not offer sympathy for her illness, but would pass judgment on her, and say that it was because she had been rebellious, and make her reflect on herself. Thinking of the behavior that I’d revealed, I realized that I hadn’t shown the elderly sister even a shred of compassion, nor had I shown her even any understanding or forgiveness. How truly malicious my nature was! The elderly sister had started hosting duties when she began to believe in God. She had bought a house using her own money in order to better fulfill her duty and had not uttered a word of complaint. Her life entry was not as deep as it could have been due to seldom being able to attend gatherings and fellowship with others, and yet she sincerely believed in God, her heart thirsted for God’s words and she read God’s words every day whenever she had time. As she did not thoroughly understand the truth, she regarded judging the sisters and brothers behind their backs and speaking of their shortcomings as her bearing a burden for them and as being purely open about things. She had no discernment about which of the things she said were her own imagining and conjecture, and which of them were her exaggerating the facts, and I had not shown her any understanding or consideration, nor looked at her stature. Instead, I indiscriminately fought back whenever something infringed upon my interests, I strong-armed her into knowing herself and I magnified and over-analyzed her faults. With such motives, methods and humanity as I had, how could she not have an opinion of me? Wasn’t I only living out my satanic disposition? I then understood that the reason why my fellowship to the elderly sister had not achieved any results was because the motive behind everything I fellowshiped to her was to speak for my own sake and to protect myself. It was fine so long as I didn’t lose out and my interests suffered no loss, and I simply didn’t put myself in her shoes to consider what she lacked or to understand her weaknesses. Nor did I consider whether or not she was able to bear what I said, or whether or not what I said would have a negative effect on her, or whether or not it would make her feel down. I had spoken and acted by my satanic nature and all I had done was harm and attack her—how could this kind of fellowship achieve results or benefit her?

God’s words said, “Anyone can use their own words and actions to represent their true countenance. This true countenance is, of course, their nature. If you are someone who speaks in a tortuous way, then you have a tortuous nature. If your nature is cunning, then you act in a sly way, and you make it very easy for others to be tricked by you. If your nature is sinister, your words might be pleasant to hear, but your actions cannot conceal your sinister tricks. If your nature is lazy, then all you say is meant to shirk responsibility for your perfunctoriness and laziness, and your actions will be slow and perfunctory, and quite adept at concealing the truth. If your nature is empathetic, then your words will be reasonable, and your actions, too, will conform well with the truth. If your nature is loyal, then your words are certainly sincere and the way you act is grounded, free of anything that might make your master uneasy. If your nature is lustful or greedy for money, then your heart will often be filled by these things, and you will unwittingly commit deviant, immoral acts that people will not forget lightly and that will disgust people” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. A Very Serious Problem: Betrayal (1)). God’s words made me realize that the ways corrupt people reveal themselves and live their lives are dominated by their natures. The kind of nature people have inside will inevitably determine what disposition is revealed on the outside. Say, for example, someone truly loves someone else. They will attentively think about and watch the other person to see what they like and, ultimately, they will express their love for the other person, and allow them to feel it and appreciate it. If I had love within me for the elderly sister, then I would be more attentive, be more understanding of her difficulties, be more considerate of her feelings, and would employ a suitable way and method and the appropriate language and tone to fellowship with her. Even if I couldn’t resolve her problems, at least I wouldn’t cause her any harm. But because my satanic nature held sway within me and I had no love for her, I therefore spoke only for my own sake and I reproached and lectured the elderly sister, compelling her to reflect on herself. All that was revealed by my intentions, my words and my actions was my satanic disposition, which was selfish, crafty and malicious and so all I caused her was harm and pain. I then thought of God’s love for man, and that it is precisely because God’s essence is love that, no matter what He does, it is a revelation and an expression of love. Just as God’s words said, “God’s aim in saying these things is to change people, and to save them; only by God speaking thus can the optimal effect be achieved. You should see that the painstaking care and thought of God are completely designed to save people and they all embody God’s love. Regardless of whether you look at the wisdom in God’s work, the steps and methods in God’s work, or the duration of the work or His precise arrangements and plans, it all contains His love. For example, people all have love for their sons and daughters and, to enable their children to walk the correct path, they all put forth a great amount of effort. When they discover their children’s weaknesses, the parents worry that if they speak softly, their children will not listen, and will not be able to change, and they worry that if they speak too sternly, they will hurt their children’s self-esteem, and their children will not be able to bear it. This is all done out of love, and they put a great deal of effort into it. Sons and daughters may have experienced their parents’ love. Love does not just involve gentleness and consideration; even more so, it involves strict chastening. It is even more out of love and under the precondition of love that God does His utmost to bring salvation to corrupt humanity. He does not deal with people perfunctorily; He makes precise plans and proceeds with them step by step. In terms of when, where, with what tone of voice, with what method of speaking, and how much effort He puts forth, and so on, it can be said that all of this reveals His love, and it all fully explains that His love for mankind is limitless and immeasurable. When they are tested, many people speak words of rebellion against God, or complain, but God does not hold this against them—nor, moreover, does He punish any one of them as a result. He loves man, and so He is tolerant of all. If He had no love, and only hate, then He would have long since condemned all men. But because God has love, He does not hold these things against them, and is tolerant, and He appreciates people’s difficulties, and all that He does is directed by love” (“Do You Know God’s Love for Mankind?” in Records of Christ’s Talks). The essence of God is love, so what God expresses is also love. God’s love for humans is not expressed in words, but is embodied practically in His work, in every step of His work, and in the ways of His work. How and when God works on each person, what people, things or events He arranges for him and how long He will refine him, etc., all reflect God’s precise planning and painstaking effort. All God’s work is permeated by His pure and flawless love for humans, without exception. God loves man to such an extent that He can tolerate all of man’s corruption, rebellion and defiance, and does not split hairs with man. All these things make me see the greatness and nobility of God. In comparison, there is no love and kindness within me, my heart is too malicious, and I am an ugly and contemptible satanic ilk. In recognizing all of this, I frankly shared the corruptions I’d expressed with the elderly sister, fellowshiping all that was in my heart. Unknowingly, the estrangement between us disappeared. I thanked God from the bottom of my heart!

Before, my knowledge of myself had been nothing more than words. It was knowledge I had learned by rote, the knowledge of doctrine. I had not, based on the thoughts and mentality that were revealed in me, grasped my own perceptions and viewpoints toward every matter, and held them up to God’s words to know my own nature and as a result, I had never sensed how profoundly I had been corrupted by Satan, and had not truly repented or changed. But now I understand it due to my experience. Once man had been corrupted by Satan, his nature became Satan’s nature. Regardless of speech, action, motives or thoughts, they are all dominated by his satanic nature. One can seek related truths to practice and enter into, resolve one’s corrupt disposition and gradually attain dispositional change, only if he knows his nature. From now on, I will change the absurd way in which I experienced things, and will no longer pay so much attention to outward practices, get entangled in their rights and wrongs. I will honestly and sincerely accept God’s judgment and chastisement, and I will know the essence of my nature, and truly know myself through the revelations of God’s words in order that my disposition be changed and I attain God’s salvation soon.