By Yi An, China

Ever since I was young, I always liked the idea of a harmonious and whole family, but when I was in elementary school, my father suddenly passed away from an illness, and so having a whole family became a dream of mine. At that time, both my mother and grandmother had accepted Almighty God’s work of the last days, and I saw them read God’s words, gather, and do their duties, and slowly they got over the pain of losing a loved one. I knew this was all God’s guidance, and I thought that when I grew up, I would also believe in God properly, and I hoped my future partner would believe in God with me. I felt that having a harmonious family devoted to one another would satisfy me.

In high school, I met a boy. He seemed very genuine, mature, and stable. Our personalities also matched well, and crucially, he also believed that there was a God and he treated me pretty well, so we started dating. He knew I was in poor health and was especially sensitive to the cold, so he would prepare hot water for me every day, and he often encouraged me to exercise more. One time, it was snowing heavily, and we went out together, but when we came back, I realized I had lost my gloves. It was already very dark by then, but when he found out, he immediately ran out without saying a word, and a while later, he came back with my lost gloves. I was really touched and felt that he was the one for me. Although he didn’t believe in God, he believed that there was a God and he didn’t oppose my belief. I thought that if we got married in the future, I could believe in God while living my own family life. I’d really be getting the best of both worlds!

In the autumn of 2013, after I started university, I began attending gatherings regularly. Through attending gatherings and reading God’s words, I came to understand some truths, and I gained some discernment about some things. I saw that in school, there was a prevalence of malignant trends, cheating in exams, and that there was no fairness or justice in any of the systems. Students only talked about eating, drinking, and having fun, and they were living lives of indulgence and depravity. But in the church, brothers and sisters didn’t talk about what house they’d bought or what car they drove, nor did they compete with each other. When we gathered, we’d read God’s words and fellowship the truth, and we’d talk about the corrupt dispositions we’d revealed, and how we’d come to understand and resolve them, as well as things like how to discern the evil trends of the world, and how to preach the gospel and do our duties. When there were difficulties, everyone supported each other, and no one would look down on anyone else. I felt no barrier when I was with the brothers and sisters, and it felt like the house of God was a pure land. I also understood that after being corrupted by Satan, people live in great suffering, and only by coming before God, understanding the truth, and receiving His care and protection, can one escape suffering and have true peace and ease. Later, I did my best to do my duties. In school, I would actively support classmates who didn’t attend gatherings regularly, providing fellowship and help to the best of my ability. Seeing the sisters understand God’s intentions and able to gather regularly, I felt very happy and thought that this was a meaningful thing.

I thought about how my boyfriend hadn’t come before God yet, so I wanted to share the gospel with him as quickly as possible so that he too could receive God’s salvation of the last days. If he believed in God too, we could follow God and do our duties together after graduation. Having a common goal and pursuit would definitely make us very happy. However, every time I talked to him about believing in God, he would always just smile faintly at me, and sometimes just simply say, “Yeah, sure.” Seeing his indifferent attitude toward believing in God, I felt a bit disappointed, but since he didn’t oppose my faith, I didn’t think much of it.

At that time, every time I returned from a gathering, I felt really fulfilled, but in comparison, every time I went out with my boyfriend to eat, drink, and have fun, though it looked like I was happy on the outside, after satisfying the flesh, my heart would feel utterly hollow and empty. Later, I wondered, “What is the meaning of living such a life?” One day during my devotionals, I read God’s words: “The sentence ‘the Son of man is Lord even of the sabbath day’ tells people that everything about God is not of a material nature, and although God can provide for all of your material needs, once all of your material needs have been met, can the satisfaction from these things replace your pursuit of truth? That is clearly not possible! God’s disposition and what He has and is, which we have fellowshipped about, are both the truth. Its value cannot be measured against any material objects, no matter how valuable, nor can its value be quantified in terms of money, because it is not a material object, and it supplies the needs of each and every person’s heart. For every person, the value of these intangible truths should be greater than the value of any material things that you might value, should they not? This statement is something you need to linger over. The key point of what I have said is that what God has and is and everything about God are the most important things for every single person and cannot be replaced by any material object. I will give you an example: When you are hungry, you need food. This food can be more or less good or more or less unsatisfactory, but as long as you have your fill, that unpleasant feeling of being hungry will no longer be there—it will be gone. You can sit in peace, and your body will be at rest. People’s hunger can be resolved with food, but when you are following God and feel that you have no understanding of Him, how can you resolve the emptiness in your heart? Can it be resolved with food? Or when you are following God and do not understand His intentions, what can you use to make up for that hunger in your heart? In the process of your experience of salvation through God, while pursuing a change in your disposition, if you do not understand His intentions or do not know what the truth is, if you do not understand God’s disposition, then will you not feel very uneasy? Will you not feel a strong hunger and thirst in your heart? Will these feelings not prevent you from feeling at rest in your heart? So how can you make up for that hunger in your heart—is there a way to resolve it? Some people go shopping, some seek out their friends to confide in, some people indulge in a long sleep, others read more of God’s words, or they work harder and expend more effort to do their duties. Can these things resolve your actual difficulties? All of you fully understand these kinds of practices. When you feel powerless, when you feel a strong desire to gain enlightenment from God to allow you to know the reality of the truth and His intentions, what do you need most? What you need is not a full meal, and it is not a few kind words, let alone the transient comfort and satisfaction of the flesh—what you need is for God to directly and clearly tell you what you should do and how you should do it, to clearly tell you what the truth is. After you have understood this, even if you gain only a tiny bit of understanding, will you not feel more satisfied in your heart than if you had eaten a good meal? When your heart is satisfied, does not your heart and your entire being gain true rest? Through this analogy and analysis, do you understand now why I wanted to share with you this sentence, ‘the Son of man is Lord even of the sabbath day’? Its meaning is that what comes from God, what He has and is, and everything about Him, are greater than any other thing, including the thing or the person you once believed you treasured most. That is to say, if a person cannot gain words from the mouth of God or they do not understand His intentions, they cannot gain rest” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself III). From God’s words, I understood that actually what we truly need is comfort and fulfillment in our hearts. When we face difficulties and confusion, we can receive enlightenment and guidance from God’s words, understand the truth, and gain a path of practice, and feel peace and fulfillment in our hearts. This is not something material enjoyment can bring. Just like when I schemed and deceived for personal benefits, God’s words reproached me in my heart, and made me realize that I couldn’t live by corrupt dispositions as a nonbeliever does. When I practiced according to God’s words and conducted myself as an honest person, I gained peace and ease in my heart. Every weekend and holiday, my roommates would all stay in the dorm, whiling away their time, while I would go out to attend gatherings. Although my time for indulging in fleshly pleasures decreased, I understood some truths afterward, and my heart felt at peace and at ease. But when I went out with my boyfriend, no matter how much fun we had or how good the food was, it was only a temporary physical enjoyment, and I couldn’t find joy or peace in my heart, nor did I attain any real gains or benefits. After understanding these things, I treasured my time gathering and doing my duties even more, and I spent less time chatting with my boyfriend.

At the end of 2014, I went home for winter vacation. The church leaders came to me, saying that the church urgently needed people who could speak English to do duties, and they knew I had this skill, so they asked if I would be willing to do this duty. I was very happy to hear about such an opportunity to do a duty. I have liked English since I was young, and in college, I chose to major in English and my grades were always good. My skill is a gift from God, and I wanted to do this duty, but I thought about how I was still in a relationship, and about how I was considering marrying my boyfriend and starting a small family after graduation, and I wondered, “If I go out to do my duty, how will I have time to date? We wouldn’t be able to get together all the time, so will my boyfriend agree to this? Won’t we have to break up?” The thought of having to let go of my boyfriend made me think about all of the kind things he’d done, and I really didn’t want to break up. The leaders saw I had no resolve to do it, so they didn’t say anything more. Although I didn’t have to break up with my boyfriend, I still felt a bit sad inside, because I knew my talent for a foreign language was a gift from God, and I also wanted to make the most of my skills to expend myself for God in His house. But I was too weak in the flesh, and when faced with a choice, I still chose the flesh. I felt a deep sense of indebtedness and guilt. Later, I read God’s words: “Awaken, brothers! Awaken, sisters! My day will not be delayed; time is life, and to seize back time is to save life! The time is not far off! If you fail the college entrance examination, you can study and retake it as many times as you like. However, My day will brook no further delay. Remember! Remember! I urge you with these good words. The end of the world unfolds before your very eyes, and great disasters rapidly draw near. Which is more important: your life, or your sleep, your food and drink and clothing? The time has come for you to weigh these things. Be doubtful no longer, and do not shy away from certainty!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 30). In the last days, God becoming flesh to work and save mankind is an opportunity of great rarity. I’d just begun training in my duties, and I didn’t understand many truths yet. I was just at the beginning of my path of faith, and this was a key moment for me to pursue the truth. I wanted to believe in God and fulfill my duties properly, and to understand more truths. Furthermore, God’s work of salvation is about to end soon, and the great catastrophes are soon to come. If I got married and started a family now, and I spent my days entangled in the trivialities of family life, how could I have time to properly attend gatherings and do my duties? I’d be wasting the best time to pursue the truth, and I would ruin my chance to be saved. The consequences of this would be terrible! But thinking about it, I was still in a relationship, and if I didn’t get married, wouldn’t I have to give up this relationship I’d been building for years? Just thinking about this filled me with reluctance. At that time, I really wanted to get married and start a family, but I knew that this decision would be crucial and affect my whole life, so I couldn’t make a hasty decision. If I chose to get married based on my own fleshly desires, and I ruined my chance to be saved, it would be too late for regrets. Afterward, I became anxious, and I was unsure of what to choose, and it felt like there was a heavy stone pressing down on my heart.

Before the winter break, I received a message from my boyfriend, saying that he wanted to meet my parents to discuss engagement during the New Year. I’d been with my boyfriend for several years, and we were about to get married, and I couldn’t help but fantasize about the various scenarios of what it would be like for us to live together. But the Lord Jesus said: “And woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!” This verse kept coming to mind. Now the Lord has returned, expressing many truths and performing the work of saving humanity. At this crucial moment, if I got married and became entangled in family matters, and I had to take care of my husband and raise children, I might very well ruin my chance to pursue the truth and be saved. I didn’t want to lose this opportunity! Marriage or faith? Living life or doing my duties? These words kept flashing in my mind. What was I to choose? Just the thought that the life I’d longed for since I was a child might not come to be made me feel so sad, as if I were digging out the things I cherished most from my heart, piece by piece. I felt so much pain and reluctance. When my boyfriend brought up the topic of engagement, I didn’t dare to reply hastily, because I was afraid that once I agreed, there would be no turning back. I found myself in such torment that I cried out to God in prayer, “God, facing the prospect of marriage, I don’t know what choice to make. I want to follow You and do my duties, but I also want to get married and live a family life. God, I’m in a dilemma and I don’t know what choice to make. Please guide me and allow me to understand Your intention.”

Later, I read God’s words: “If you believe in God you must love God. If you only believe in God but do not love Him and have not attained the knowledge of God, and have never loved God with a true love that comes from within your heart, then your belief in God is futile; if, in your belief in God, you do not love God, then you live in vain, and your entire life is the most lowly of all lives. If, throughout your whole life, you have never loved or satisfied God, then what is the point of you living? And what is the point of your belief in God? Is that not a waste of effort? This is to say, if people are to believe in and love God, then they must pay a price. Rather than trying to act in a certain way externally, they should seek true insight in the depths of their hearts. If you are enthusiastic about singing and dancing, but incapable of putting the truth into practice, can you be said to love God? Loving God requires seeking God’s intentions in all things, and that you probe deep within when anything happens to you, trying to grasp God’s intentions, and trying to see what God’s intentions are in these matters, what He asks you to achieve, and how you should be considerate of His intentions. For example: Something happens that requires you to endure hardship, at which time you should understand what God’s intentions are and how you should be considerate of His intentions. You must not satisfy yourself: First put yourself to one side. Nothing is more abject than the flesh. You must seek to satisfy God, and you must fulfill your duty. With such thoughts, God will bring especial enlightenment to you in this matter, and your heart will also find comfort” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only Loving God Is Truly Believing in God). As I pondered God’s words, I felt really guilty. Although I believed in God, when faced with the choice of marriage, I didn’t seek God’s intention, but instead relied on my own imaginings, thinking that being with my boyfriend would bring me happiness, and that if I gave him up, I could never live the life I’d dreamed of. I was just considering my own flesh and future plans, and I’d never considered what God’s intention was or how I could satisfy Him. I couldn’t continue like this! I realized that my future is entirely under God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and not something I can choose on my own. Just like when I was a child, I wished for a harmonious and whole family, but my father suddenly passed away from a disease, and so these hopes were dashed, yet because of God’s guidance and protection, I still grew up happily. My future life is also in God’s hands; worrying too much would only add more troubles to myself. My boyfriend couldn’t bring me true happiness, so I couldn’t keep thinking about marrying him and starting a family. The most important thing was for me to first figure out what I truly wanted, and what kind of life would be most beneficial for me.

Back at school, I saw my two roommates talking to their boyfriends on the phone every day. They had looks of happiness on their faces, and I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sorrow as I’d think, “They’re all paired up now, and soon they’ll become husband and wife, but I’m going to have to give up a boyfriend I’ve been with for years.” I felt bitter, and even a bit envious of them. I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why is it that when I see my classmates and friends in relationships, I still feel sad and upset? What is the real reason I want to marry my boyfriend? Why can’t I let this go?” Later, I read God’s words: “Is what you pursue to be conquered after chastisement and judgment, or to be cleansed, protected and cared for after chastisement and judgment? Which of these do you pursue? Is your life a meaningful one, or is it pointless and without value? Do you want the flesh, or do you want the truth? Do you wish for judgment, or comfort? Having experienced so much of God’s work, and having beheld the holiness and righteousness of God, how should you pursue? How should you walk this path? … Could it be that only peace and joy, only material blessings and momentary comfort, are beneficial to the life of man? If man lives in a pleasant and comfortable environment, without a life of judgment, could he be cleansed? If man wishes to change and be cleansed, how should he accept being made perfect? Which path should you choose today?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Experiences of Peter: His Knowledge of Chastisement and Judgment). From God’s words, I understood that really, I just wanted to live a comfortable life. Since childhood, I’d longed for a warm and harmonious family life. I felt my boyfriend was mature and stable, and treated me well, and I thought that being with him would fulfill my desires, so whenever I thought of leaving him, I’d find the idea of letting go really hard. But would such a life really be beneficial for me? Would it truly be as happy as I’d imagined? Looking back on the time I’d spent with my boyfriend, usually, when we were together, we just ate, drank, had fun, and talked about superficial things, and apart from that, we didn’t have all that much in common. When I faced difficulties, I’d pray and rely on God to experience them, and sometimes, when I didn’t know how to experience these things, I’d seek and fellowship with my brothers and sisters. Things like how I experience God’s words in real life and the understandings I have of myself and of God are all things I can only share with my brothers and sisters. When I was with my boyfriend, my fleshly and emotional needs were being met, but I couldn’t share the most intimate words with him, and we had no common topics to talk about, so how could such a life bring true happiness? God also said: “If man lives in a pleasant and comfortable environment, without a life of judgment, could he be cleansed?” Even if I lived a comfortable life in the flesh, without the judgment and chastisement of God’s words, how could my corrupt disposition be cleansed and changed, and how could I live out a true human likeness? Just like in the past, I just wanted to have fun, and when I went home during holidays, I often stayed home, indulged my flesh, and played on my phone, staying up all night and unable to get up during the day, living a purposeless life. When I was with my grandmother, I couldn’t help but reveal my arrogant disposition and disdain her, and sometimes when my mother nagged me, I would throw a tantrum. Sometimes, I would also lie and deceive, and I had no normal human likeness. By eating and drinking God’s words, I understood what normal humanity is and what a meaningful life is. I started having a normal routine, praying and eating and drinking God’s words often, and when I encountered issues, I learned to reflect and understand myself in light of God’s words. When I wanted to reveal an arrogant disposition, look down on others, or deceive and cheat, I’d consciously rebel against myself and practice according to God’s words. In this way, I gained a little human likeness. However, in a comfortable life, without the guidance of God’s words, I couldn’t even live out the most basic normal humanity, and worse, my boyfriend kept indulging me. I truly didn’t know how far I’d fall if this continued. Moreover, marriage and family life aren’t like dating, where it’s just about two people being together; there are also the families of both partners and family life that need to be maintained. There are also many trivial matters, and so many entanglements. If I really did get married and start a family, I would surely become encumbered by the raising of children and by trivial household matters, and then how would I have the time or energy to pursue the truth or do my duties? Wouldn’t I be ruining myself?

I then thought of God’s words: “The words I speak now make demands of people based on their real circumstances, and I work in accordance with their needs and the things inside them. The practical God has come to earth to do practical work, to work according to people’s real circumstances and needs. He is not unreasonable. When God acts, He does not coerce people. Whether or not you get married, for example, should be based on the reality of your circumstances; the truth has been clearly spoken to you, and I do not constrain you. Some people’s families oppress them so that they are unable to believe in God unless they get married. In this way, marriage, conversely, is helpful for them. For others, marriage brings no benefits, but costs them what they once had. Your own case must be determined by your actual circumstances and by your own resolve. I am not here to invent rules and regulations with which to make demands of you” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Practice (7)). God’s words provided me with a path and a direction in which to practice. When it comes to marriage, God gives everyone the right to make their own choices, and each person can choose based on their actual circumstances, background, and actual stature. I understood very clearly that my family’s circumstances are more favorable for me to believe in God and do my duties. My entire family believes in God, and they aren’t expecting me to find a good job or to live a good life in this world, and as long as I can maintain a normal life, that’s enough. If I decided to dedicate myself to my faith and my duties full-time, my family would fully support me. But it’d be different if I got married; my partner’s family were nonbelievers, and they had worldly views, and I would also need to consider daily life. If I focused solely on my faith and duties, they might even persecute me. Plus, I was sentimental and also craved fleshly enjoyment, so if I really did get married, I would be sure to get caught up in family affections, and my faith and performance of my duties would be affected. Over the past two years, through gatherings and eating and drinking God’s words, I have come to understand some truths, and I have realized that everyone comes into this world with their own mission. I was born in the last days, and into a family that believes in God, and I also have certain gifts and strengths. God has prepared everything so well for me, so I should fulfill my duty as a created being. If I gave up my duties to enjoy a comfortable life in the flesh, then no matter how much I indulged my flesh or how much of a life of comfort I lived, I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my duties as a created being. Then what meaning would my life have? I’d been able to reject my duties for the sake of my boyfriend, so if we ended up living together, I would either spend most of my time and energy on him, or I would again reject my duties due to fleshly affections. Fleshly affections could truly lead me to betray God and ruin my chance at salvation!

I then read God’s words: “You being able to experience this suffering now that you are following Christ is a blessing, because it is not possible for people to achieve salvation and survive without enduring this suffering. It is ordained by God, so, it is a blessing for this suffering to befall you. You should not view it in a simplistic way; it is not a matter of making people suffer and toying with them, and that’s it. The significance of this is incredibly deep and great! To devote your entire life to expending yourself for God without seeking a partner or returning home is meaningful. If you take the right path and pursue the right things, then you will ultimately receive more than all of the saints through all the ages did, and receive even greater promises” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Choosing the Right Path Is the Most Crucial Part of Belief in God). “Young people should not be without aspirations, drive, and an enthusiastic desire to better themselves; they should not be disheartened about their prospects, and nor should they lose hope in life or confidence in the future; they should have the perseverance to continue along the way of truth that they have now chosen—to realize their wish to expend their entire lives for Me. … You should practice according to My words. In particular, young people should not be without the resolve to exercise discernment in issues and to seek justice and the truth. You should pursue all things beautiful and good, and you should obtain the reality of all positive things. You should be responsible toward your life, and you must not take it lightly. People come to the earth and it is rare to encounter Me, and it is also rare to have the opportunity to seek and to gain the truth. Why would you not prize this beautiful time as the right path to pursue in this life?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Words for the Young and the Old). God’s words made me understand that although not getting married and starting a family may bring some suffering, what we are pursuing is the fulfillment of our duties, the attainment of the truth, a meaningful life, and ultimately to be saved by God and to remain. Therefore, the suffering we endure is meaningful. I thought about how generation after generation of nonbelievers just have children, and provide for their families, but they don’t understand the truth or the value and meaning of life, and they have no correct direction or goal of pursuit, and their lives are without meaning. God has now been incarnated and come to earth to work and save mankind, and to follow God and do the duties of a created being is an extremely rare opportunity. Just like Peter—before the Lord Jesus called to him, he was fishing normally and living a simple life, but when the Lord Jesus appeared and worked and called to him, he was able to give up everything and follow the Lord Jesus to pursue the truth, and in the end, he reached the utmost love for God, was perfected by God, and lived a meaningful life. I have been born in the last days and accepted God’s work of cleansing and saving people, and this is God’s ordination and grace. I should cherish this extremely rare opportunity, follow God, and fulfill my duties as a created being. If I pursue family and fleshly enjoyment and ultimately fail to gain the truth, then I will have wasted my time and lived a meaningless life, and when the great catastrophes come, it will be too late to regret. I am still young, and the road ahead is long, and I cannot spend the best years of my life on trivial family matters. After that, I often brought my resolve before God in prayer, asking Him to guide and help me make the right choice, no matter what would happen next.

Before the break, my boyfriend suggested we meet to discuss engagement, but I never responded. With graduation approaching, he texted asking, “So, what exactly are we now?” Looking at his question, I thought about how we’d been in a relationship with marriage in mind, but now when the time had come to talk about marriage, I was giving up. I suddenly felt that I was letting him down. At that moment, I realized I was becoming weak again, so I quickly came before God in prayer, “God, I have made up my mind to follow You and expend myself for You, but when it comes to marriage, I just can’t make up my mind. I feel that breaking up with him right now would be letting him down. I don’t know what to do. Please guide me.” After praying, I thought about how my boyfriend wanted to start a family, and about how I wanted to follow God and do my duties. We were on different paths. I remembered that the Bible says: “Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Carrying on would be of no benefit to either of us. Also, I remembered a few lines from the hymn “You Must Place Belief in God Above All Else,” which was often sung during gatherings: “If you wish to believe in God, and if you wish to gain God and gain His satisfaction, then unless you endure a certain degree of pain and put in a certain amount of effort, you will not be able to achieve these things.” “You must treat believing in God as the most significant matter in your life, more important than even food, clothing, or anything else—in this way, you will reap results. If you only believe when you have the time, and are incapable of devoting your entire attention to your faith, and if you are always muddled in your faith, then you will gain nothing” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique X). In the last days, God incarnate expresses the truth to cleanse and save people, allowing people to cast off their corrupt satanic dispositions, gain a group of people who are of one mind and heart with God, and ultimately bring these people into God’s kingdom. God hopes that we see believing in Him as the most important thing in life. If I am to believe in God and gain the truth, I must have the resolve to expend myself and suffer for God. Only then can I gain something. If I tried to satisfy my boyfriend and make up for my feelings of indebtedness to him, I would have to trade my future for it, and wouldn’t that ruin me? Since I had chosen to follow the path of believing in God, I had to stick to it, and I couldn’t back out at this crucial moment. Furthermore, people’s fates are in God’s hands. I couldn’t even control my own future, so how could I ensure my boyfriend’s future? When I thought of this, I had no more concerns, and I broke up with my boyfriend. After the breakup, I felt a huge sense of relief, as if a great weight had suddenly been lifted.

After graduation, I began doing my duties in God’s house. There, I met some young brothers and sisters who were not married, and I saw that they had no entanglements, that each of them had their strengths, and that everyone was doing their part in propagating God’s kingdom gospel. I thought this was very meaningful. I wanted to fulfill my duties properly and make good use of my strengths too. After that, I calmed my heart and no longer thought about marriage or starting a family. I became willing to seize the opportunity to pursue the truth in the limited time I have, to seek the truth to resolve my corrupt disposition, to fulfill my duties properly, and to live a meaningful life.