By Miao Xiao, China

In February 2023, I was promoted to be supervisor of the watering work. At the time, I was supervising the work of several watering team leaders. I felt I had some skill at watering newcomers, so I was sure people would look up to me for doing this duty. I couldn’t help but feel pleased with myself. But even though I was happy, I was also worried. I was quite good at helping team leaders with the newcomers’ problems and difficulties, but as the supervisor, I had to solve the team leaders’ problems and difficulties too. I usually just focused on the work and not on my own life entry, so my understanding of the truth was quite shallow. I could find God’s words to resolve common states and problems, but when it came to more complex ones, I couldn’t see them clearly and didn’t know what to do. Before, I had been on the same level as the other team leaders, so it didn’t matter if I couldn’t solve their problems and difficulties. But now I was the supervisor. If I couldn’t solve their difficulties, what would they think of me? Would they say I wasn’t up to this duty? It would be so humiliating if I couldn’t solve their problems and I got dismissed for not yielding any work results! To make everyone think I was an up-to-standard supervisor, I would play to my strengths in every gathering, like understanding the newcomers’ problems and difficulties and pointing out a path of practice, or correcting the team leaders’ deviations in their watering work. I figured that as long as I managed the team leaders’ work well and the work yielded results, I wouldn’t be looked down on or dismissed. But I rarely asked about the difficulties the team leaders had in their duties—I didn’t even dare to ask. I was afraid that if I asked and couldn’t solve them, I’d lose face. This was especially true when a leader came to our gatherings. To make a good impression and make her think I was up to doing supervisor duty, I wouldn’t seek help even when I had difficulties and problems. I’d always act as if I had no difficulties at all. When resolving the team leaders’ states, I was also very cautious. I’d wait for my leader to finish fellowshipping and then I’d chime in and fellowship a few words, to show that my views were the same as hers. That way, she wouldn’t see my shortcomings or deviations.

After a while, I heard the team leaders complain that they’d only been focused on running around doing work, but hadn’t achieved any life entry. I felt very guilty. I knew that if gatherings were just about following up on work and didn’t resolve their difficulties, this would affect the brothers’ and sisters’ life entry, and they wouldn’t get good results in their duties. I thought about solving their difficulties first in future gatherings, before moving on to work matters. But then I worried, “What if I can’t solve them? Wouldn’t that be so embarrassing?” So I again became unwilling to practice like that. I would only ask about the team leaders’ states when they were already really bad and I had no option. Sometimes, when I couldn’t see their problems clearly and didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to open up and seek a solution together. I’d just force myself to find a passage of God’s words and offer some perfunctory fellowship just to get by. And so, I lived in a state of constant fear of my brothers and sisters looking down on me. I felt especially repressed during gatherings, and lived in darkness and pain, unable to find release. I even regretted agreeing to do this duty.

Later, I opened up about my state to my brothers and sisters. A sister said I’d put myself on a pedestal, and she also found a passage of God’s words for me to read. Almighty God says: “Corrupt humans all have a common failing: When they don’t have status, they do not put on airs or adopt a certain manner while interacting or speaking with others. Their speech has no affected tone and is ordinary and normal. They do not put up a front, or worry about what others think of them. They do not feel any psychological pressure, and are able to open up and engage with other people in fellowship and heart-to-heart talks. Others feel that they are friendly and approachable, and think that they are quite good. As soon as they attain status, they become high and mighty, they ignore ordinary people, nobody can approach them; they feel that they are noble, and that they and ordinary people are cut from different cloths. They look down on ordinary people, put on airs when they speak, and stop fellowshipping openly with others. Why do they no longer fellowship openly? They feel that they now have status, and are leaders. They think that leaders must have a certain image, be loftier than ordinary people, have greater stature and endurance; they believe that compared to ordinary people, leaders must have more patience, be able to suffer and expend more, and be able to withstand any temptation from Satan. Even if their parents or other family members die, they feel that they must have the self-control to not cry, or that they must cry in secret, out of sight, rather than in front of others. They think that they cannot let anyone see their shortcomings or defects or any of their weaknesses, and that they cannot even let anyone know if they have become negative; instead, they must hide all such things. They believe this is how one with status should act. When they repress themselves to this extent, has status not become their god, their lord? And this being so, do they still possess normal humanity? When they have these ideas, place themselves in this box, and put on this kind of act, have they not become enamored with status?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Resolve the Temptations and Bondage of Status). This passage of God’s words spoke directly to my state. I realized I’d always been living in darkness, unable to find release, because I was living amid the binds of status. Before I was a supervisor, I was on the same level as the other team leaders; there was no difference in status between us. Even if my life entry was a bit shallow and there were some problems I couldn’t solve, I didn’t feel any pressure. But ever since I became the supervisor, I put myself on a pedestal. I felt that since I was in charge of their work, I had to be better than them in every way, and that if there was anything I didn’t know or couldn’t do, they would look down on me and say I wasn’t up to the duty. To keep the team leaders from looking down on me, I wouldn’t ask about their states during gatherings and would only probe into the work. When my leader came to gatherings, I was afraid of my own problems being exposed in front of her, so I’d cover up my shortcomings. I wouldn’t report the difficulties in the work, creating a false impression for the leader so she’d think I could solve problems and was up to the duty of being a supervisor. After I became a supervisor, I didn’t think about how to do my duty well or solve the brothers’ and sisters’ difficulties. All I thought about was how to protect my own reputation and status. I was truly so selfish!

Afterward, I sought and pondered: Why did I always put up a front and disguise myself to protect my reputation and status? What corrupt disposition was controlling this? I read the words of God: “Any truths, correct words, and positive things are all for those who love the truth, love the word of God, and have a tremendous aspiration for God. After listening to the truth, those who do not possess these qualifications will also say that the truth is right and the truth is good, but they will ponder it and think, ‘For what do I live? I live for prestige, status, crowns, halos, and God’s rewards. Without these, do I still have dignity? What is the meaning of my life? Is not faith in God just a means to chase after rewards and crowns? Now that I have expended so much of my heart’s blood, and after waiting so long, the time has finally come for God to reward the good and punish the evil. This is when I should be crowned and receive my reward. How can I yield this up to someone else? To be a normal person, an ordinary person, just like all the other plain people, what’s the point in living like that? I’m not that stupid!’ Is not such a person beyond remedy? (Yes.) Do not seek to persuade such people. The truth is not for them, and what they want is not the truth. This sort of person seeks only blessings and crowns. Their desires and ambitions exceed the bounds of what is necessary for normal people. Some people can’t imagine why this sort of person clings to status and power and won’t let go. This is the essence and inborn nature of this kind of person. You can’t figure it out because your essence is different from theirs, and neither can they comprehend you. They don’t know why you are so stupid. You don’t want ready-made crowns, halos, and prestige and instead would be an ordinary person. They find you inconceivable. This type of person thinks, ‘You pursue the truth conscientiously, you practice what God tells you, you do what God tells you to do, and you submit to whatever God tells you to do. How can you be so stupid?’ They think that being an honest person and practicing the truth is stupid, ignorant, and slow-witted. They believe that they are clever in pursuing knowledge and playing the part of a superior person. Thinking they understand everything, they conclude that ‘the life of a person who lacks status and prestige, wears no crowns on their head, and has no worth among men and no authority to speak is worthless. If one does not live for fame, they must live for personal gain. If not for personal gain, they must live for fame.’ Is this not Satan’s logic? Living by Satan’s logic, there is no remedy for them. They could never accept any of God’s words, positive things, or correct advice. If they cannot accept this, what is there to do? These words we speak are not for them. These words are only addressed to people with normal humanity, only to people with a tremendous aspiration for God. They are only for these people. Only these people can earnestly listen to and ponder God’s words, attain an understanding of the truth, act according to the truth principles, perform their duties as God requires, practice and experience God’s words in the environments God has set up, and gradually enter into the truth reality. As for those who harbor contempt and hostility for positive things and the word of God in their hearts, they cannot be reconciled to live an unremarkable and undistinguished life, be a commonplace person, come before God conscientiously, and seek and wait with all their hearts concerning matters they do not understand. They are not content to be such a person. Thus, it is impossible for such a person to be saved. The kingdom of heaven was not prepared for these people” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). From God’s words, I understood that God saves those who love and accept the truth. When God sets up environments for them, such people are able to seek the truth, let go of their personal desires, and practice according to God’s words. Those who don’t love the truth believe in God and do their duty only to satisfy their desire for reputation and status. Whatever they do, they only consider whether it benefits their reputation and status, not how to do their duty in a way that is in line with God’s intention. Such people are loathed and detested by God. I was influenced by the satanic poison, “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” and I took reputation and status as the right goal of my pursuit. I always wanted to be admired and never looked down on. When the church arranged for me to do the duty of a supervisor, I was well aware that my life entry was quite shallow, and that when faced with problems and difficulties I couldn’t solve, I should pray with the team leaders and seek the truth together to resolve them. But I was afraid that practicing in this way would expose too many of my shortcomings and they’d look down on me. So during gatherings, I simply didn’t resolve their difficulties and only focused on following up on the work. That way, not only could the team leaders see I had some ideas for managing the work, but if the work yielded good results, I wouldn’t be dismissed. When the leader came to gatherings, I’d wait for her to express her views before chiming in, to cover up my shortcomings. Anything that might reveal what I was really made of and affect my image in others’ eyes, I would try my best to hide, using deception and deceit. I was so despicable! Although I racked my brains to temporarily fool my leader and the team leaders, I wasn’t being an honest person or walking the right path, and I couldn’t deceive God. I couldn’t receive God’s guidance in my duty, and the church’s work was affected. Wasn’t this God judging me with facts? I had been using deception to mislead people into admiring me, but over time, the brothers and sisters would eventually discern me, and in the end, I would be rejected by them. Thinking of this, I felt afraid. If I didn’t repent, it would only be a matter of time before I’d be dismissed. Even worse, I would be loathed and abandoned by God.

Afterward, I sought truths relevant to my problems. I read the words of God: “Tell Me, how can you be someone who is ordinary and normal? How can you, as God says, assume the proper place of a created being, not trying to be some great figure or a superhuman? How should you practice to be an ordinary and normal person? How can this be achieved? Who would like to speak? (First of all, we have to admit that we are ordinary people, very common people, and that there are many things we don’t get, don’t understand, and can’t see through. We must admit that we are corrupt and flawed. After that, we have to have a sincere heart and often come before God to seek.) First, don’t give yourself a title and then let it box you in, saying, ‘I am the leader, I am the team head, I am the supervisor, or I’m the most knowledgeable and technically proficient person in the field.’ Don’t be inhibited by your self-appointed title. As soon as this happens, it will bind you tightly; your words and actions will be affected by it, as will your normal thinking and judgment. You must free yourself from the constraints of this status. First, step down from the position of this official title, and assume the position of an ordinary person. Your mindset will then become somewhat normal. You also have to admit: ‘I don’t know how to do this, and I don’t understand that—I have to do some research and studying,’ or ‘I’ve never experienced this, so I don’t know what to do.’ When you can say what you’re really thinking and speak honestly like this, you will be possessed of normal reason. If you allow others to know the real you, they will have a normal view of you, and you will not have to put on a facade. You’ll no longer feel heavily pressured, and you’ll be able to communicate with others normally. Living like this is free and easy. Anyone who feels life is too exhausting has only themselves to blame. Don’t pretend or conceal anything. First, open up about what you’re thinking in your heart and your true thoughts, so that everyone is aware of them and understands them. In this way, your concerns, as well as the barriers and suspicions between you and others, will all be eliminated. In addition, there’s something else that’s binding you too, which is that you always consider yourself the head of the team, a leader or a worker, someone with a title, with status and standing—if you then say you don’t understand this and are incapable of doing that, isn’t that demeaning yourself? When you let go of these fetters in your heart, when you stop thinking of yourself as a leader or a worker, and when you stop thinking you’re better than other people and instead feel that you’re an ordinary person, the same as everyone else, and that there are some areas in which you’re inferior to others, then when you fellowship on the truth and work-related matters with this mindset, both the results and the atmosphere will be different. … Everyone, whether they are leaders and workers or brothers and sisters, is an ordinary person. They should all practice this principle. Everyone has a share in and responsibility for the practice of God’s word. You may be a leader, a worker, the head of a team, a supervisor, or a person highly regarded from among the group. No matter who you are, you should learn to practice in this way. Take off the halo and title you wear on your head, take off the crowns others have bestowed on you. Then, you will find it easy to become a normal person and, with ease, you will act on the basis of conscience and reason. Of course, after that, it is not enough to simply admit that you don’t understand and don’t know. This is not the ultimate solution that solves the problem. What is the ultimate solution? Bring matters and difficulties before God to pray and seek. It’s not enough for one person to pray alone. Instead, together with everyone, you must offer prayers concerning this matter and shoulder this responsibility and obligation. That is a wonderful way to do things! You will avoid taking the path of trying to be a great figure and a superman. If you can do this, you will unconsciously assume the proper place of a created being and free yourself from the constraints of the ambition and desire to be a superman and a great figure” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). After reading God’s words, I understood God’s intention and had a path of practice and entry. To escape the bondage and constraints of status, I had to step down from my pedestal, stop thinking so highly of myself, and recognize that I was just an ordinary person, no better than anyone else. I also had to conduct myself in a down-to-earth way according to God’s requirements and be an ordinary, normal person with conscience and reason. God graced me with the chance to be a supervisor to give me an opportunity to train myself. But because my actual stature hadn’t changed and my life entry was shallow, I couldn’t see through things I hadn’t experienced, and some problems were too complex for me to solve—all of that was perfectly normal. I should be an honest person as God requires, and open up and seek the truth with everyone to resolve these problems. After that, I started to practice and enter according to God’s requirements. Whenever I encountered something I couldn’t see clearly, I’d open up, lay myself bare and fellowship and seek with the team leaders.

Later, I went to a gathering with the watering team leaders. Before it started, I thought, “We haven’t met in person for a while because of the hostile environment of CCP arrests. The brothers and sisters must have a lot of difficulties and problems that need to be fellowshipped on and resolved. What if I can’t see through them and resolve them? Will they look down on me?” I realized I was thinking about reputation and status again, so I prayed in my heart, asking God to protect my heart so I could open up about my shortcomings and seek and enter with everyone. After praying, I felt a bit calmer. I first asked about the team leaders’ states. I heard one of them had an issue with how the leader was following up on the work. I didn’t know which aspect of God’s words we should look at to resolve it, so I just opened up to everyone and asked them to seek the truth together to help find a solution. At that moment, I thought of the truth in the aspect of how to treat others’ supervision, so I found it and we read it together. After reading it, everyone said that these words of God were so good and could solve this problem. Although I still had many shortcomings, when I stopped putting up a front and disguising myself for the sake of reputation and status and was willing to practice according to God’s words, I could receive God’s guidance, and resolved some of the team leaders’ problems. Sometimes, through opening up and seeking, I could also gain some light and insight from the brothers’ and sisters’ experiential understanding. I’m very grateful to God.

Later, a reminder from the brothers and sisters made me realize that my shallow life entry and inability to solve the team leaders’ problems were mainly because in my duty, I always focused on just doing things and not on my life entry. If I continued like this, I definitely wouldn’t be able to do my duty well, so I looked for God’s words in this aspect. Almighty God says: “No path to achieving salvation is more realistic or practical than accepting and pursuing the truth. If you cannot gain the truth, your belief in God is empty. Those who speak empty words and doctrines, who always parrot slogans, say high-sounding things, follow regulations, and never focus on practicing the truth gain nothing, no matter how many years they believe. Who are the people who gain something? Those who perform their duty sincerely and are willing to practice the truth, who treat what God has entrusted to them as their mission, who gladly spend their whole lives expending for God and do not scheme for their own sakes, who conduct themselves with their feet on the ground and submit to God’s orchestrations. They are able to grasp the truth principles while performing their duty and carefully attend to all matters properly, allowing them to achieve the effect of testimony to God, and satisfy God’s intentions. When they encounter difficulties while performing their duty, they pray to God and try to fathom God’s intentions, they are able to submit to the orchestrations and arrangements that come from God, and they seek and practice the truth when doing things. They do not parrot slogans or say high-sounding things, but focus only on doing things with their feet firmly on the ground, and on meticulously following principles. They put their heart in everything they do, and learn to appreciate everything with their whole heart, and in many matters, they are able to practice the truth, after which they acquire knowledge and understanding, and they are able to learn lessons and truly gain something. And when they have incorrect thoughts or mistaken states, they pray to God and seek the truth to resolve them; no matter what truths they understand, they have an appreciation of them in their hearts, and are able to speak of their experiential testimony. Such people ultimately gain the truth. Those who are careless and inattentive never think about how to practice the truth. They only focus on exerting effort and doing things, and on exhibiting themselves and showing off, but they never seek how to practice the truth, which makes it difficult for them to obtain the truth. Think about it, what kind of people can enter into the truth realities? (Those with their feet on the ground, who are pragmatic and put their heart into things.) People with their feet on the ground, who put their heart into things, and have a heart: such people pay more attention to reality and to the usage of the truth principles when they act. Also, in all things they pay attention to practicalities, they are pragmatic, and they like positive things, the truth, and practical things. It is people like this who ultimately understand and gain the truth. Which type of person are you? (Not practical, one who always wants to do things for the sake of appearances, and relies on guile.) Can anything be gained by doing this? (No.) Have you found a way to solve your problems? If you can realize it and start to turn things around, will you know if your notions, imaginings and perspective on things have changed? (I feel they have changed somewhat.) As long as there are results and progress, you should fellowship on it and let others be edified. Although your experience is limited, it is still an experience of growth in life. The process of growth in life is your experience of believing in God, of your life growing through experiencing the word of God. These experiences are the most precious” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. In Believing in God, What Is Most Important Is to Practice and Experience His Words). After reading God’s words, I realized my life entry was shallow because, in my duty, I usually focused only on exerting effort and working and improving the results of the work so others would look up to me. I didn’t focus on seeking the truth and grasping God’s intention in all things, practicing according to His requirements. This is why my life hadn’t grown much despite believing in God for so long. I thought about how Paul, despite believing in the Lord for many years, never focused on reflecting on and knowing himself, and had no understanding of his own corrupt disposition at all. Although he suffered a lot preaching the gospel, his nature of resisting God didn’t change at all, and he was ultimately eliminated. But Peter focused on seeking to grasp God’s intention in both big and small matters. Not only did he understand his own corruption and shortcomings, but he also pursued acting in line with God’s intention in all things, and ultimately, he gained God’s approval. The path Peter took in his belief in God was one of pursuing life entry. His life was valuable and meaningful. In the future, I can’t just focus on doing outward work in my duty; I have to focus on my life entry and the changes in my disposition. After that, I began to consciously reflect on which corrupt dispositions I revealed in every matter, and I’d find God’s words relevant to my problems and take notes. After practicing like this for a while, I gained some understanding of my corrupt dispositions. I felt a bit more at ease and peaceful in my heart, and I could see things more clearly than before. This little bit of progress I’ve made is all the result of the guidance of God’s words. Thank God!