By Su Wan, China

In August 2020, I got dismissed because I’d been muddling through my duty without doing any real work. Afterward, I felt terrible and was filled with regret, and wanted to repent and do my duty well in the future.

Later on, I was assigned to make videos together with a few other sisters. One day I got chatting with Sister Yang Fan about some reflections and understandings I’d come to after being dismissed. She was deeply affected by what I had to say and from then on, I noticed her attitude toward me had changed. When I spoke about my experiences in gatherings, she listened really intently and kept nodding along, and she’d usually agree with my opinions. She also seemed more caring toward me on a day-to-day basis. I thought to myself: “She seems to look up to me. I’ve talked about what I’ve learned and expressed sincere repentance, so I should put that into practice. What would she think if she didn’t see any change in me? Would she think I was all talk and that I didn’t practice the truth? Would her good image of me disappear?” At this thought I was kind of anxious and worried, and I no longer wanted to simply perform my duty well. Sometimes I would be sitting making videos for a long time, and my back would get sore. I’d want to relax a little, but I was afraid my sisters would think I was slacking off. I thought to myself: “I’ve said I would do my duty well and no longer slack off, I must let them see me put my words into action.” So I wouldn’t dare to take breaks when I was tired, afraid they would think I was heeding my fleshly needs and that I wasn’t having any burden in my duty. I didn’t dare go to bed early when I was sleepy. Even if I’d finished my work, I’d force myself to keep going and wouldn’t switch off my computer until 11:30 or 12 at night. Sometimes I stayed up late and could hardly get up in the morning, but I’d see my sisters getting up early, and I’d not dare to sleep in, afraid of giving them a bad impression of me. Once, I saw Yang Fan had a couple videos to work on, but I didn’t plan to help her because they were difficult, and I didn’t want to bother with that. But then I thought that I didn’t have any projects of my own, so if I didn’t offer to help, she would surely think I was all talk, and just spouted words and doctrines without pursuing the truth. So I went to help Yang Fan with the videos.

At that time, although I seemed to be throwing myself into my duty, I knew in my heart that it was all to protect my image and status. I felt very unsettled by this and wanted to open up to my sisters about my state, but I was afraid they’d know that I’d had ulterior motives the whole time, and they’d think I hadn’t really repented and that I didn’t practice the truth. They’d probably see me as a deceitful hypocrite and even discount everything I said I’d learned after my dismissal. These thoughts made me reluctant to open up to everyone. In gatherings I just talked about corruptions that everyone often revealed, as well as some positive experiential knowledge, while keeping my thoughts hidden deep inside me. Since I was only fellowshipping about positive experiences, my sisters looked up to me even more, and in one gathering Yang Fan praised me for being able to practice the truth and fellowship the truth so clearly. I heard later on that a couple of other sisters said that I pursued the truth, that I opened up frankly about my corruption, and that I was quite actively engaged in my duty. I felt kind of pleased, but even more so, I felt a sense of shame and unease, because I knew that what they were saying was not even close to reality. I wasn’t frank at all, I had never opened up about the corruption within me and there were other motives behind the enthusiasm I had for my duty. I thought to myself: “This is terrible. Everyone has been misled by my facade—what should I do?” I felt really guilty and wanted to open up to my sisters, to stop fooling them, but if I did, they would know those thoughts and motives of mine, and they’d think I was a deceitful person. My good image would vanish and no one would look up to me. When I thought about this, I lost the nerve to open up to the others.

Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “Do you know what a Pharisee actually is? Are there any Pharisees around you? Why are these people called ‘Pharisees’? How are Pharisees described? They are people who are hypocritical, completely fake, and put on an act in everything they do. What act do they put on? They pretend to be good, kind, and positive. Is this what they are actually like? Absolutely not. Given that they are hypocrites, everything that is manifested and revealed in them is false; it is all pretense—it is not their true face. Where is their true face hidden? It is hidden deep within their hearts, never to be seen by others. Everything on the outside is an act, it is all fake, but they can only fool people; they cannot fool God. If people do not pursue the truth, if they do not practice and experience God’s words, then they cannot truly understand the truth, and so no matter how nice-sounding their words are, these words are not the truth reality, but words and doctrines. Some people only focus on parroting words and doctrines, they ape whoever preaches the highest sermons, with the result that in just a few years their recital of words and doctrines grows ever more advanced, and they are admired and venerated by many people, after which they start to camouflage themselves, and pay great attention to what they say and do, showing themselves to be especially pious and spiritual. They use these so-called spiritual theories to camouflage themselves. This is all they talk about wherever they go, specious things that fit with people’s notions, but which lack any of the truth reality. And through preaching these things—things that are in line with people’s notions and tastes—they mislead many people. To others, such people seem very devout and humble, but it is actually fake; they seem tolerant, forbearing, and loving, but it is actually a pretense; they say they love God, but it is actually an act. Others think such people holy, but it is actually fake. Where can a person who is truly holy be found? Human holiness is all fake. It is all an act, a pretense. On the outside, they appear loyal to God, but they are actually just performing for others to see. When no one is looking, they are not the slightest bit loyal, and everything they do is perfunctory. Superficially, they expend themselves for God and have given up their families and careers. But what are they doing in secret? They are conducting their own enterprise and running their own operation in the church, profiting from the church and stealing offerings secretly under the guise of working for God…. These people are the modern hypocritical Pharisees” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). As I pondered on the word of God, I thought of how the Pharisees appeared so devout, humble, and loving. They were always standing in the street praying and explaining the scripture in synagogues, but they weren’t truly following God’s words. They acted virtuous on the outside to camouflage and disguise themselves. They used some methods and tricks to deceive people and give them a false impression, so that they’d be worshiped and admired. Comparing my own behaviors, was I not just as hypocritical as those Pharisees? To make my sisters think I had truly repented, that I wasn’t just all talk, and to safeguard my good image, I always had put on an act to hide and disguise my true self. I didn’t dare rest when I was exhausted by my duty or sleep when I got tired at night, and I’d force myself out of bed without having had enough rest. I clearly didn’t want to help Yang Fan with the videos, but I wanted her to think highly of me, so I reluctantly lent her my assistance. Yet in reality, I had no genuine burden for this duty. On the outside I pretended to be active and to take initiative, and even though I clearly knew that I had the wrong intentions in my duty, that I was cheating the others, and that I should open up to them, I hid all those despicable motives and didn’t tell anyone about them in order to protect my image. This led to my sisters kind of admiring me. Was this not deceptive and misleading of me? I was truly deceitful and I was on the same path as the hypocritical Pharisees. I was putting on an act all the time. Not only was living like that exhausting, it made me feel guilty, and it disgusted and revolted God. After realizing what a serious problem it was, I mustered up the courage in a gathering to open up with my sisters about what the motives behind my actions had been during that period and how my hypocrisy had manifested. I felt such a sense of relief after that, and my state changed for the better. But I also felt like it would be really hard for me to correct the intentions I harbored behind my duty, so I came before God in prayer, asking Him to guide me to resolve this problem and to do my duty with a pure and honest heart.

Then one day, I read some of God’s words: “God does not perfect those who are deceitful. If your heart is not honest—if you are not an honest person—then you will not be gained by God. Likewise, you will not gain the truth, and will also be incapable of gaining God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). Reading this was really painful. I was so deceitful, my mind was full of devious thoughts, not on how to practice the truth and perform my duty properly, but rather how to gain admiration, and how to make a good impression on others. I was even endlessly worrying about and calculating when to sleep. God likes simple and honest people, and only honest people can gain His approval and are worthy of His salvation. But my motive was always deceitful. No matter how well I covered it up, or even if I could gain everyone’s admiration and adoration, I wouldn’t be saved by God. In the end I’d be detested and damned by God like those hypocritical Pharisees. When I thought this, I was so disappointed in myself. Over all those years of faith, I hadn’t entered into the truth reality as basic as honesty, and I was just as deceitful as ever. I saw that I really was far from what God required.

I also read another passage of God’s words: “In all matters, you should lay everything bare to God and you should be candid—this is the only condition and state that should be maintained before God. Even when you do not open up, you are open before God. From God’s perspective, He knows the facts, whether you open up about it or not. Are you not very foolish if you cannot see through to that? So how can you be a smart person? By opening yourself up to God. You know that God scrutinizes and knows everything, so don’t think yourself clever, and think that He might not know; since it is certain that God secretly observes people’s hearts, smart people should be a little more candid, a little purer, and be honest—that is the wise thing to do” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part Two)). That’s right. God sees into our hearts and minds, so He knows my motives and exactly what sort of person I am. No matter how I hid my corruption from everyone, God would know about it all. I believed in God but I couldn’t accept His scrutiny. To gain the admiration and praise of others I had pretended to be someone who pursued the truth and had truly repented. I had tormented myself to the point of exhaustion, I was so foolish and pathetic! In reality, as long as we aren’t being slippery or indulging the flesh, needing rest when we’re tired or sleepy is normal, but I’d even denied these laws of human work and rest. Everything I did was just to get people to look up to me. Living like this was so exhausting. God says wise people need to learn to be openhearted, to accept God’s scrutiny and to be simple and honest. Only by living like this can you free yourself. Knowing this, I didn’t want to pretend anymore. Afterward, I would take a break when I was tired from my duty, and at night, I would go to bed after work when I was sleepy. I would open up and fellowship about my real state in gatherings, and proactively fulfill my responsibilities in my duty. When things were tough, I’d tell myself it was my duty and that I wasn’t doing it for anybody else to see. Whenever I had the urge to put on an act, I’d think of these words from God: “Those who are capable of putting the truth into practice can accept God’s scrutiny in the things they do. When you accept God’s scrutiny, your heart will be set straight” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). These words of God would help me be more pure and ready to accept God’s scrutiny.

A while later, I was teaching Yang Fan a new skill. At first I was able to be patient with her, but when I saw she was a slow learner and made lots of mistakes, I started to get annoyed and to disdain and look down on her. I feared she would say I wasn’t loving, so I reined in my temper and kept on teaching. I knew my temper was flaring up, but I didn’t open up much about my true feelings in gatherings, because I worried if I said something then my sisters would think I was lacking in love and patience, and that would ruin my image. Plus, when I saw my sisters showing corruption or being negative and weak, I felt some disdain for them and didn’t want to acknowledge them, even though I pretended to be caring and understanding. I’d never planned to share all that out of fear they’d say I was lacking in compassion and hard to get along with.

One day in November, a leader arranged for me to take on a duty somewhere else. My sisters said they were sad to see me go. Sister Li Zhi said how edifying and helpful my fellowship on the truth was for her, that I was fair with others and never looked down on people, and that those who understand and pursue the truth are welcome anywhere. Hearing such high praise from her made me kind of uneasy. I told her not to praise or worship others, that it wasn’t good for them. Although Yang Fan wasn’t directly praising me, I could hear in her voice that she saw me the same way as Li Zhi. I felt like I had a weight on my heart. I wondered whether I’d misled them and whether I had a problem. But looking at it another way, though I had corrupt disposition, I paid attention to reflecting on myself, and when I encountered problems, I sought the truth to solve them. Maybe I really was better than them, so that’s why they thought highly of me. With that thought, I swept those concerns out of my mind and didn’t think about it again.

Later, I saw a testimonial video, A Hypocrite’s Repentance, where a sister talked about how she only shared positive experiences in her fellowship at gatherings, and how the others all really looked up to her. She was dismissed from her position, but when it came time to elect another person to take over, the brothers and sisters still voted unanimously for her to take charge, feeling like they couldn’t do without her. They adored and looked up to her so much that some of them almost treated her like God. This really woke me up: It was a serious problem. I thought about how the others had been so admiring and complimentary of me lately and I thought I might be just like that sister, always talking about positive entry, and that I might need to reflect. Then I read a passage of God’s words. Almighty God says: “Antichrists are particularly adept at pretense when around other people. Just like the Pharisees, they appear on the outside to be very tolerant of people and patient, humble and good-natured—they seem so very lenient and tolerant with everyone. When handling problems, they always show how incredibly tolerant they are toward people from their position of status, and in every aspect they appear magnanimous and broad-minded, not being nitpicky with others, and showing people how great and kind they are. In reality, do antichrists actually possess these essences? They act for the good of others, are tolerant with people, and can help people in all situations, but what is their hidden motive for doing these things? Would they still do these things if they weren’t trying to win people over and buy people’s favor? Is this really how antichrists are behind closed doors? Are they really as they appear to be when around other people—humble and patient, tolerant of others, and helping others with love? Do they possess such an essence and such a disposition? Is this what their character is? Not at all. Everything they do is a pretense and is done to mislead people and buy people’s favor so that even more people come to have a favorable impression of them in their hearts, and so that people think of them first and seek their help when they have a problem. In order to achieve this aim, antichrists deliberately scheme to show off around others, to say and do right things. Before they speak, who knows how many times they will filter or process their words in their minds. They will deliberately scheme and rack their brains, pondering over their wording, expressions, pitch, voice, and even over the look they give people and the tone they speak with. They will ponder over who it is they’re talking to, whether that person is old or young, whether that person’s status is higher or lower than their own, whether that person holds them in high esteem, whether that person privately resents them, whether that person’s personality is compatible with their own, what duty that person does, and what their position in the church and in the hearts of their brothers and sisters is like. They will carefully observe and attentively ponder these things, and once they’ve pondered them, they come up with ways to approach all kinds of people. Regardless of the ways in which antichrists treat different kinds of people, their aim is nothing more than to get people to hold them in high esteem, to get people to no longer look at them as equals but rather to look up to them, to have even more people admire and look up to them when they speak, endorse and follow them when they do things, and absolve and defend them when they make a mistake, and to have even more people fight in their corner, complain bitterly on their behalf, and take a stand to argue with and oppose God when they are revealed and rejected. When they fall from power, they’re able to have so many people assist, express support for, and stick up for them, which shows that the status and power that the antichrists have deliberately schemed to cultivate in the church have taken root deeply in people’s hearts, and that their ‘painstaking effort’ has not been in vain” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Ten)). Through God’s revelation on antichrists, I learned that they put on an act of humility, patience and love to gain others’ adoration and admiration, and this is how antichrists mislead them and buy their hearts. I was acting just like an antichrist. When I was training Yang Fan, even though I felt fed up, I still put on a patient face to gain the admiration of others. When I saw my sisters revealing corruption, on the inside I disdained them and didn’t want to acknowledge them, but I still put on an act of caring and understanding, and never really opened up to any of them, fearing it would ruin their good image of me. I had blinded and deceived them so they would constantly praise and admire me. I could see that I was so deceitful.

I started thinking about why I couldn’t stop putting on an act. What disposition was this? I read a passage of God’s words: “Deceitfulness can usually be seen on the outside: Someone beats around the bush or uses flowery language, and no one can read what they are thinking. That is deceitfulness. What is the primary characteristic of wickedness? It’s that their words sound especially pleasing, and everything seems right on the surface. There doesn’t appear to be any problem, and things look pretty good from every angle. When they do something, you don’t see them using any particular means, and outwardly, there is no sign of weak points or flaws, yet they achieve their goal. They do things in an extremely secretive manner. This is how antichrists mislead people. People and matters like these are the most difficult to discern. Some people often say the right things, use good-sounding excuses, and employ certain doctrines, sayings, or actions that conform to human affection to pull the wool over people’s eyes. They feign one thing while doing another in order to achieve their ulterior purpose. This is wickedness, but most people consider these behaviors to be deceitful. People have a relatively limited understanding and dissection of wickedness. Actually, wickedness is more difficult to discern than deceitfulness because it is more secretive, and its methods and actions are more sophisticated. If someone has a deceitful disposition within them, usually, others can detect their deceitfulness within two or three days of interacting with them, or they can perceive the revelation of their deceitful disposition in the person’s actions and words. However, supposing that person is wicked: This isn’t something that can be discerned within a few days, because without any significant events or special circumstances taking place in a short period of time, it isn’t easy to discern anything from just listening to them talk. They always say and do the right things, and present one right doctrine after another. After a few days of interacting with them, you might think this person is pretty good, is able to forsake things and expend themselves, has spiritual understanding, has a God-loving heart, and has both conscience and reason in the way they act. But after they handle a few matters, you see that their speech and actions are mixed up with too many things, too many devilish intentions. You realize that this person isn’t honest but deceitful—a wicked thing. They frequently use the right words and pleasing phrases that align with the truth and possess human affection to interact with people. In one respect, they establish themselves, and in another, they mislead others, achieving prestige and status among people. Such individuals are incredibly misleading, and once they attain power and status, they can mislead and harm many people. People with wicked dispositions are highly dangerous” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Five: They Mislead, Draw In, Threaten, and Control People). Having read God’s words I understood that behind this masquerade, a wicked disposition was controlling me, which is harder to see than a deceitful one. People with wicked dispositions try to do things that appear good and seem in line with the truth to mislead people and win their hearts for their own ulterior motives, and people are unwittingly misled by this. That was exactly how I was. I knew that my brothers and sisters liked people that pursue the truth and are loving, that these people are esteemed and admired in the church, so I pretended to be that kind of person. I looked ready to suffer, to pay a price, to actively do my duty, and to be loving toward others, and I outwardly behaved like I acted in accordance with the truth. But my aim wasn’t to practice the truth, it was to be admired by others and to capture their hearts. I was really wicked and despicable. If it were not for the judgment and revelation of God’s words, I’d think that by putting on a mask I was just being a little bit deceitful, not that I’d been dominated by a wicked disposition or that misleading people and capturing their hearts like that meant I was walking a path against God. We are God’s creations and only God is worthy of worship, but I was so profoundly corrupted by Satan, and yet I always wanted to hold a high position among my brothers and sisters and to be admired and worshiped. Wasn’t I acting just like the archangel? God’s righteous disposition will not tolerate being offended by man, so if I didn’t repent, I’d eventually end up damned and hated by God just like the Pharisees. This scared me. I knew that if I kept on like that the consequences would be very serious. I resolved to rebel against the flesh and be a simple, honest person.

After that, I worked to rebel against myself, and I started opening up to the others. One time, I hadn’t taken enough care while making a video which meant there were a lot of problems with it and redoing it caused lots of delays in our work. When a sister told me I’d been irresponsible and couldn’t be relied upon, I felt dissatisfied, resistant and wanted to argue back. A leader asked me about my state in a gathering later, and I thought: “If I really share everything, the brothers and sisters might think I can’t accept the truth, that I just keep defending myself. Then what would everyone think of me? I’d better not speak up.” Then I saw clearly that I was thinking about putting on an act again, so I prayed, and a passage of God’s words came to mind. God says: “Every time you finish doing something, even if you believe it was done correctly, it may not necessarily be in line with the truth. It must also be dissected, and must be compared, verified, and discerned according to God’s words. This way, whether it was correct or mistaken will become clear. Moreover, the things you think you did wrong must also be dissected. This requires the brothers and sisters to spend more time together fellowshipping, seeking, and helping each other out. The more you fellowship, the brighter your heart will be, and the more you will understand the truth principles. This is God’s blessing. If none of you open your heart, and you all cover up yourselves, hoping to leave a good impression in the minds of others and wanting them to think highly of you and not scoff at you, then you will not experience true growth. If you always disguise yourself and never open up in fellowship, you won’t receive the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit, and you won’t be able to understand the truth. What will be the result then? You will live in darkness forever, and you will not be saved. If you want to gain the truth and change your disposition, you must pay a price to gain the truth and practice the truth, and you must open your heart and fellowship with others. This is beneficial to both your life entry and your dispositional change” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Most Fundamental Practice of Being an Honest Person). The words of God gave me a path of practice. I should accept God’s scrutiny, and no matter what other people thought of me, I had to open up and practice the truth. This was the only way my problem could be resolved. At that point I mustered up my courage to open up to everyone about my state and reveal my corruption. I felt much freer after doing that, and fellowshipping with the others helped me understand my problem.

The facts that were revealed during that time showed me I had a deceitful, wicked disposition. I was always pretending in order to be admired and adored by others. Without the judgment and revelation of God’s words, I would not have been able to know myself at all and I would not have been able to change. I also understand now how important our motives are in doing things, and that being able to accept God’s scrutiny and rectify our motives in our duties, and to open up and be honest is the only way to gain God’s approval and bring Him joy.