By Zhan Xin, China

My father died when I was four years old, and my mother raised the six of us all by herself. The villagers all admired her very much, and praised her for being a good woman. My mother often told us that as a woman, after you get married, you must attend to your husband and raise your children, taking good care of them. Only in this way would you avoid being laughed at. Through my mother’s teachings in word and deed, I came to regard attending to my husband and raising my child as my responsibility and obligation as a woman. After I got married, because my husband had been spoiled since he was a child and didn’t worry himself about anything, I was the one who took care of everything at home, whether major or minor. After having a daughter, I ran my business while taking care of my husband and child. I was alone, both at home and outside. My husband often said that he was blessed to marry a wife like me. When I saw my husband and child living comfortably, I was happy to suffer and be tired.

In 1998, I accepted Almighty God’s work of the last days. By eating and drinking the words of God, I came to understand that this is the final stage of God’s work of saving mankind. It is also the work of sorting people according to their kind. God’s urgent intention is to bring all those who truly believe in Him and yearn for His appearance into His house to be saved. Therefore, I joined the ranks of those who preach the gospel. At first, I just preached the gospel near my home, and it didn’t get in the way of taking care of my husband and child. Later, I was responsible for watering the newcomers. Sometimes the gatherings ended late, and I was always the last parent to pick up my kid from school. My daughter pouted and looked unhappy, and my husband also said that I didn’t care about our family or our business. Although on the surface I still attended gatherings and did my duties as usual, in my heart, I agreed with my husband and felt indebted to them. Once, we needed to gather for a full day, and I asked my husband to pick up our daughter. He reluctantly agreed. After the gathering, I hurried home. When I got there, I saw my husband lying on the bed crying. My heart tightened, and I thought, “It’s because of my incompetence as a wife that he’s so sad. Will he feel that having a wife like me is bad luck rather than a blessing?” After that, I felt constrained whenever I came out to attend gatherings or do my duties. I felt like I was doing something wrong. When I was at gatherings, I was always looking at the time, worrying that I would get home late and not be able to take good care of my husband and child. Later, as the gospel spread further, more and more people accepted Almighty God’s work of the last days, and the work of the church also became very busy. I then stopped doing business, and devoted all my time to doing my duty.

Not long after, I was elected to be a preacher, responsible for two churches. However, the churches were 20 to 30 miles away from home, making it inconvenient to return. I thought about my daughter, who had just started primary school. With my husband still at work, there was no one to drop her off or pick her up from school. What if something unexpected happened on the way? My husband couldn’t cook, so how would they manage when I was not at home? Wouldn’t my neighbors say that I was heartless, and not a good mother? On one side was my duty, on the other side, my husband and daughter. I was very conflicted. I wanted to ask the leader if I could do my duty closer to home, but then I also felt that as a created being, I should prioritize my duties. I then prayed to God, “God, I am leaving home to do my duties now, but I really cannot bear to let go of my husband and daughter. May You lead me and give me the faith to submit.” After praying, I remembered the words of God: “Who can truly and completely expend themselves for Me and offer up their all for My sake? You are all half-hearted; your thoughts go around and around, thinking of home, of the outside world, of food and clothing. Despite the fact that you are here before Me, doing things for Me, deep down you are still thinking of your wife, children, and parents at home. Are all these things your property? Why do you not entrust them into My hands? Do you not trust Me? Or is it that you are afraid I will make inappropriate arrangements for you? Why do you always worry about the family of your flesh and feel concerned for your loved ones? Do I have a certain place in your heart? You still talk about allowing Me to have dominion within you and occupy your entire being—these are all deceptive lies! How many of you are wholeheartedly committed to the church? And who among you think not of yourselves, but are acting for the sake of the kingdom of today? Think very carefully about this” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 59). What God talked about was precisely my state. Normally, when it did not affect my own interests, I was willing to do my duty to satisfy God. However, when I needed to leave home to do my duties, I did not think about the work of the church, or how to show consideration for God’s intention. Instead, I thought about what my husband and daughter would eat and what they would wear. I worried that they wouldn’t be able to do the laundry or cook, and was also afraid that since nobody was there to take my daughter to school or pick her up, some kind of accident might happen to her on the way. All I thought about was my husband and daughter. In what way was I submissive to God? Weren’t all those nice-sounding words I had said in the past an attempt to trick God? I regarded my husband and child as my private property, always wanting to keep them to myself and unwilling to entrust them to God. Where was a place for God in my heart? After understanding God’s intention and requirements, I left home to do my duty. Although going back home was not as convenient as it was when I had been doing duties closer, I still went back every ten days or so. I cooked delicious meals for my husband and daughter and washed their clothes. However tired my flesh was, I was willing to do this; it felt like I was repaying some of my debt to them.

In August 2008, there was an incident where an antichrist misled people in one area, and the leaders arranged for me to handle it. When I heard that I would be farther from home and unable to do my duties at the same time as taking care of my husband and child, I didn’t want to go. However, then I thought, “I’m just going away to work temporarily and will be back when I’m done.” So I agreed. After a time, the incident involving the antichrist had been mostly dealt with, and I looked forward to returning home every single day. One day, two district leaders came to where I was staying and told me that this church was relatively weak and they planned to arrange for me to stay on to be the preacher. When I heard this, my expression suddenly darkened. I thought to myself, “If I accept the duty of being a preacher here, I will have to stay for a long time. It won’t be convenient to go home. The weather is getting colder. What if my husband and daughter get sick? My relatives and friends will see that I haven’t been home for such a long time, and they will definitely say that I am not a good woman. That won’t do. I can’t accept this duty no matter what.” Therefore, I refused this duty. The two leaders were very disappointed. One of them said, “I have noticed that your fellowship is normally quite positive. I thought that since the church is in need of people right now, you would definitely accept this duty. I didn’t expect that everything you’ve said in the past was just words and doctrines.” I felt pierced to the heart when I heard my sister say this. I usually shouted slogans very convincingly, saying that I was willing to submit to the arrangements of the church. But now, the brothers and sisters in this church were of small stature and needed watering and support, yet I refused my duty. Where was my conscience or reason in this? When I thought this, I then said that I was willing to stay on and do my duty. Although I stayed on, I still often thought about my husband and child, and felt indebted to them. When I did my duty, I just went through the motions. I gathered with the leaders and deacons, but didn’t think about how to solve their problems. At that time, several church leaders were constantly constrained by family affections, and couldn’t gather with their brothers and sisters on time. Neither the church life nor the various items of work produced satisfactory results. I was well aware that these problems required fellowship as soon as possible, but I couldn’t let go of my own family, and my heart wasn’t in my duty. All my fellowship was just words and doctrines, and couldn’t solve the problems of my brothers and sisters. This meant that the work of the church was delayed.

Later, I was forced to stop doing my duty due to an adverse environment. I regretted that I had not cherished the opportunity to do my duty before and prayed to God, “God, if I have another chance, I will definitely do my duty properly. I can no longer neglect my duties and betray You in order to maintain my family!” Not long after, the church arranged for me to do my duties in another district. I deeply cherished this opportunity to do my duty. Through actual cooperation, I successfully supported some negative and weak brothers and sisters. The life of the church returned to normal, and I achieved some results in my duty.

In August, the upper leaders invited me to a gathering, and told me that the district leader was indulging in fleshly comforts and not following up on the work. This meant that none of the various items of work in the church were progressing and the church life was in complete disarray. Even after being exposed and helped on many occasions, she had not repented or changed, and needed to be dismissed. However, the environment was adverse and unsuitable for holding elections. In addition, I had been here for a while and was familiar with the work. Therefore, they asked me to be the acting district leader. I thought to myself, “Now that I’m not busy with my duty, I can go home occasionally. If I accept this leadership duty, I will be busy with the work, and won’t be able to go home as often. If I don’t go back for a long time, I don’t know what my relatives and friends will say about me. But the church needs people’s cooperation right now. If I refused my duty at this critical moment, I would be betraying God.” I accepted the leadership duty out of conscience and reason. However, during the days I was waiting for the handover, whenever I thought about not being able to take care of my husband and daughter in the future, my heart felt like it was being cut by a knife. I kept praying to God in my heart, asking Him to lead me to submit to this environment. I remembered the words of God: “If I were to place some money in front of you right now and give you the freedom to choose—and if I did not condemn you for your choice—then most of you would choose the money and forsake the truth. The better among you would give up the money and choose the truth reluctantly, while those in-between would seize the money in one hand and the truth in the other. Would your true colors thus not become self-evident? When choosing between the truth and anything to which you are loyal, you would all make this choice, and your attitude would remain the same. Is that not so? Are there not many among you who have seesawed between right and wrong? In all of the struggles between positive and negative, black and white—between family and God, children and God, harmoniousness and rupture, wealth and poverty, status and ordinariness, being supported and being rejected, and so on—surely you’re not ignorant of the choices that you have made! Between a harmonious family and a broken one, you chose the former, and you did so without any hesitation; between riches and duty, you again chose the former, even lacking the will to return to shore; between luxury and poverty, you chose the former; when choosing between your sons, daughters, wives and husbands, and Me, you chose the former; and between notion and truth, you still chose the former. Faced with all manner of your evil deeds, I have simply lost faith in you. It simply astounds Me that your hearts are so incapable of being softened. The heart’s blood that I have expended for many years has surprisingly brought Me nothing more than your abandonment and resignation, but My hopes for you grow with each passing day, for My day has been completely laid bare before everyone. Yet you persist in seeking dark and evil things, and refuse to loosen your grip on them. What, then, will be your outcome? Have you ever given careful consideration to this? If you were asked to choose again, what then would be your position? Would it still be the former? Would you still bring Me disappointment and wretched sorrow? Would your hearts still possess the sole modicum of warmth? Would you still be unaware of what to do to comfort My heart? At this moment, what do you choose? Will you submit to My words or be averse to them? My day has been laid out before your very eyes, and what you face is a new life and a new starting point. However, I must tell you that this starting point is not the beginning of past new work, but the conclusion of the old. That is, this is the final act. I think you can all understand what is unusual about this starting point. One day soon, however, you will understand the true meaning of this starting point, so let us move past it together and welcome the finale to come! However, what continues to worry Me about you is that, when faced with injustice and justice, you always choose the former. That, though, is all in your past. I, too, hope to forget everything of your past, though this is very difficult to do. Nevertheless, I have a very good way of doing it: Let the future replace the past, and allow the shadows of your past to be dispelled in exchange for your true self of today. Thus must I trouble you to make the choice once more: To whom exactly are you loyal?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. To Whom Are You Loyal?). Every sentence of God’s words pierced me to the heart. It felt like God was judging and exposing me face to face. Every time I faced a choice between duty and family, the first thing I thought about was my family, my husband and my daughter. I was well aware that as a created being, I should submit to God’s orchestration and arrangements, and do my duty well to satisfy God. However, I still couldn’t help but make excuses to refuse my duty. For example, when I was first elected to be a preacher, I worried that I wouldn’t be able to take care of my husband and daughter, and so I refused the duty. Although I reluctantly accepted my duty in the end, I just did it without thinking about how to solve any problems. When I saw church leaders living in the flesh and prioritizing their families without bearing any burden in their duties, I did not fellowship on the truth to expose them, but showed consideration for their flesh instead. This meant that no progress was made in the work of the church, delaying it. When I came here to do my duty, the work of the church was in complete disarray due to the appearance of a false leader in the district. There was an urgent need for someone to take on leadership duties. However, I was worried that I would be too busy with my duty to go home and take care of my husband and daughter, so I thought about refusing my duty again. I regarded taking care of my husband and daughter as being more important than God and my duty. I outwardly believed in and followed God, but in my heart I was loyal to my family, my husband, and my daughter. My actions truly saddened and disappointed God. Thinking about how I had believed in God for so many years and enjoyed the watering and supply of so many of God’s words, when the church needed people most, I should have shouldered the responsibility and done my duty well. But how did I repay God? I constantly clung to my family, husband, and daughter. I didn’t feel uncomfortable when I failed to do my duty well, and when I slightly neglected to take care of my husband and daughter, I felt indebted to them. On the outside, I was doing my duty, but in my heart, I was thinking about how to find an opportunity to make it up to them. I showed no consideration for God’s intentions at all. Where was my humanity? God says: “Thus must I trouble you to make the choice once more: To whom exactly are you loyal?” I was sad and filled with self-reproach, and I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like God was waiting for my response to see if I would be loyal to Him just once. I knelt on the bed and prayed to God, “God, in the past I always chose my husband and daughter, which made You sad and disappointed. Now that You have given me another opportunity to do my duty, I am willing to satisfy You. Even if I never go home for the rest of my life, I will still satisfy You and fulfill the duty of a created being.” After praying, I felt a sudden sense of relief. A few days later, I took over the work, and began to arrange gatherings with preachers to understand the situation in the church. I quickly dedicated myself to my duty.

After doing my duties away from home for a time, I would sometimes see my host family of four living happily together, and I couldn’t help but start missing my husband and daughter again. I didn’t know how they were doing. My daughter was in junior high school. After all, she is a girl, and when her mother is not around, there are some things she can’t tell her father. It must have been really difficult for her. I felt incompetent as a mother. When I thought about this, I couldn’t quiet my heart to do my duty. Afterward, I started to think, “Why do I always feel indebted to my husband and child? Why is this?” During my devotionals, I read the words of God: “People who live in this real society have been deeply corrupted by Satan. Regardless of whether they’re educated or not, a lot of traditional culture is ingrained in people’s thoughts and views. In particular, women are required to attend to their husbands and raise their children, to be a good wife and loving mother, devoting their whole lives to their husbands and children and living for them, making sure the family has three square meals a day, and doing the washing, cleaning, and all other housework well. This is the accepted standard of being a good wife and loving mother. Every woman also thinks this is the way things should be done, and that if she doesn’t then she’s not a good woman, and has violated conscience and the standards of morality. Violating these moral standards will weigh heavily on some people’s conscience; they’ll feel they’ve let their husbands and children down, and that they’re not a good woman. But after you believe in God, have read a lot of His words, understood some truths, and seen through some matters, you’ll think, ‘I am a created being and should perform my duty as such, and expend myself for God.’ At this time, is there a conflict between being a good wife and loving mother, and doing your duty as a created being? If you want to be a good wife and loving mother, then you cannot do your duty full time, but if you want to do your duty full time then you cannot be a good wife and loving mother. What do you do now? If you choose to do your duty well and be responsible for the work of the church, loyal to God, then you must give up being a good wife and loving mother. What would you think now? What sort of discord would arise in your mind? Would you feel like you’ve let down your children, your husband? Where does this feeling of guilt and unease come from? When you don’t fulfill the duty of a created being, do you feel like you’ve let God down? You have no sense of guilt or blame because, in your heart and mind, there isn’t the slightest hint of the truth. So, what do you understand? Traditional culture and being a good wife and loving mother. Thus the notion of ‘If I’m not a good wife and loving mother, then I’m not a good or decent woman’ will arise in your mind. You’ll be bound and fettered by this notion from then on, and will remain so by these kinds of notions even after you believe in God and do your duty. When there is a conflict between doing your duty and being a good wife and loving mother, while you may reluctantly choose to do your duty, possessing perhaps a little loyalty to God, there’ll still be a feeling of unease and blame in your heart. Therefore, when you have some spare time while doing your duty, you’ll look for chances to take care of your children and husband, wanting to make it up to them even more, and think it’s fine even if you have to suffer more, as long as you have peace of mind. Is this not brought about by the influence of traditional culture’s ideas and theories about being a good wife and loving mother? … What does God mean when He says that ‘God is the source of man’s life’? It is to make everyone realize this: Our lives and souls all come from God and were created by Him—not from our parents, and certainly not from nature, but given us by God. Only our flesh was born of our parents, as our children are born of us, but their fate is entirely in God’s hands. That we can believe in God is an opportunity given by Him; it is ordained by Him and is His grace. There is therefore no need for you to fulfill your obligation or responsibility to anyone else; you should only fulfill your duty to God as a created being. This is what people must do above anything else, the main thing that should be done as the primary affair of one’s life. If you do not fulfill your duty well, you are not a qualified created being. In the eyes of others, you may be a good wife and loving mother, an excellent housewife, a filial child, and an upstanding member of society, but before God you are one who rebels against Him, one who has not fulfilled their obligation or duty at all, one who accepted yet did not complete God’s commission, one who gave up halfway. Can someone like this gain God’s approval? People like this are worthless” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Recognizing One’s Own Misguided Views Can One Truly Transform). God’s words helped me understand the reason I regarded taking care of my husband and daughter as being so important. It was because I had seen my mother win praise from the villagers for being a good wife and loving mother. When I had done the same, I got compliments from my husband. I regarded being a good wife and loving mother, attending to my husband and raising my child as the sign of being a good woman. I believed that a woman should live for her husband and children all her life, and that only in this way could she be considered a good woman who wouldn’t be gossiped about behind her back. After I started to believe in God, I understood that the breath in my lungs is given by God. As a created being, I should worship God and put my duty first. However, I was bound by the traditional ideas and views of being a good wife and loving mother, attending to my husband, and raising my child. If I spent more time going to gatherings and doing my duties, and couldn’t take good care of my husband and daughter, I felt as if I had done something wrong and couldn’t quiet myself at gatherings. When I was away from home doing my duty and couldn’t go home often, I was afraid that others would say that I didn’t care about my husband and daughter and was not a good woman. When the work of the church urgently needed my cooperation, I chose to refuse my duty and betray God so I could care for my husband and daughter in order to protect my reputation as a good woman. Satan precisely uses these traditional ideas to mislead and corrupt people, making women willing to toil like beasts of burden for their husbands and children, becoming their slaves. I had been deeply harmed by these traditional thoughts and ideas. I regarded taking care of my husband and child as my primary task, and doing my duties as an extra job. The work of the church was damaged, and my brothers and sisters did not have a good church life, but I didn’t feel anxious nor concerned. Instead, I felt as if failing to be a good wife and loving mother and not having a good reputation was like losing my very life. Thinking about it, no matter how well I take care of my husband and daughter, and no matter how everyone praises me for being a good woman, if I don’t pursue the truth and don’t fulfill my duty as a created being, all of that is worthless in God’s eyes, and I would lose the value and meaning of life. In the end, I would definitely be loathed and eliminated by God. I remembered the words of God: “As members of the human race and devout Christians, it is the responsibility and obligation of us all to offer up our minds and bodies for the fulfillment of God’s commission, for our entire being came from God, and it exists thanks to the sovereignty of God. If our minds and bodies are not dedicated to God’s commission and the just cause of mankind, then our souls will feel ashamed before those who were martyred for God’s commission, and much more ashamed before God, who has provided us with everything” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Appendix 2: God Presides Over the Fate of All Mankind). God became flesh twice to save us from Satan’s harm, giving all His heart’s blood. Just think about the Age of Grace. Many Christians traveled around the world to propagate the gospel of God. They also had families, wives and children, but they were able to let go of their families and children to put God’s commission first. They are the ones who were loyal to God and approved of by God. Compared with them, I felt particularly ashamed. To think that I could be born in the last days and come before God: this was all down to God’s sovereignty and preordination. I should fulfill my duty as a created being and propagate God’s gospel of the kingdom. This is the most just thing to do. When I understood this, I no longer felt indebted toward my husband and daughter, and I didn’t care what my relatives and friends thought of me anymore. I was able to quiet my heart and do my duty.

Afterward, I pondered, “Why do I always feel that my husband and daughter can’t live without me?” I read the words of God: “Who of the whole of mankind is not cared for in the eyes of the Almighty? Who does not live in the midst of the Almighty’s predestination? Does man’s life and death happen by his own choice? Does man control his own fate?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God’s Words to the Entire Universe, Chapter 11). “The fate of man is controlled by the hands of God. You are incapable of controlling yourself: Despite man always rushing and busying himself on his own behalf, he remains incapable of controlling himself. If you could know your own prospects, if you could control your own fate, would you still be a created being?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Restoring the Normal Life of Man and Taking Him to a Wonderful Destination). From God’s words I understood that every person’s fate is in the hands of God; it cannot be controlled by man. I always worried that my husband had been spoiled since childhood and couldn’t cook or wash clothes, and that my daughter was young, so they couldn’t live without me caring for them. However, in fact, when I entrusted them to God, my husband gradually learned how to cook, and my daughter learned to ride a bicycle when there was no one to pick her up from school. In addition, she has become very independent. Later I learned that when I was not at home, my sister-in-law made cotton-padded clothes for my daughter, and my father-in-law also moved into our house to take care of her. My husband and daughter have been living well all these years. If I had been with them, they would have only become more and more dependent on me and would not be as independent as they are now. I also realized that I had been too arrogant in the past. I had forgotten that I am just a created being, and can’t even control my own fate. How could I control the fate of others? The fate of my husband and child is in God’s hands and is not something I can control. In the future, when the environment permits and I am not too busy with my duty, I will go home to visit. If the environment does not permit, I will entrust them to God. When I thought this, I felt much calmer.

It was God’s words that helped me discern the traditional thinking of being a good wife and loving mother, and helped me to break free from Satan’s bondage, little by little. Without family entanglements, I have more time to eat and drink the words of God, and I am able to dedicate my heart to my duties. My stature is also growing, little by little. I thank the leadership of God’s words!