By Harry, Spain

A few years ago, the church leaders arranged for me to make videos. They also said that there was a shortage of people making videos at the time, so they’d be giving me primary responsibility for this work. When I heard this, I was overjoyed, and thought to myself, “Seems like the leaders have a pretty high opinion of me. If I do this video work well, the brothers and sisters are certain to think well of me too.” So, I agreed readily. After a while, because I made quite a few videos, the brothers and sisters all looked up to me. I’d often be very happy that I was able to do this duty, and I felt as if I was a rare talented person within the church. Although I was pretty busy, had to stay up really late every day, and the duty itself was pretty boring, I felt happy, and not weary at all.

A little later, the leaders arranged for Brother Zachary to come learn video production techniques with me. I saw that he had a keen mind and that he was a quick learner, and I also heard Brother Jonathan who was with us at the gathering say that Zachary had good caliber, which made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, and think to myself, “Zachary is such a quick learner. If he surpasses me, won’t he outshine me? If he becomes more skilled than me, and everyone praises him, where would that leave me to stand? I’ll have to keep some of my tricks up my sleeve, I can’t teach him everything I know, or else the ‘student’ will starve the ‘master.’” To keep Zachary from learning too quickly, I started off by just showing him how I made the videos, but I held back on telling him about the details and essentials of the process. A few days later, I had him watch a few relevant tutorials and then got him to fumble about practicing by himself. I told him that this was how I’d learned, and that he’d only be able to make videos if he practiced well. He followed my instructions and spent his days fumbling about practicing by himself. In reality, I’d never intended to teach him how to make videos. I even thought to myself, “I’m not going to teach you any techniques, you can just watch some tutorials by yourself. If you aren’t able to learn anything and end up being unable to do anything, then the leaders will, of course, send you away.”

Some time passed, and Zachary still couldn’t make videos by himself because he was making such slow progress, and he began to feel pretty negative. When I saw this, I felt secretly happy, and thought to myself, “It’s a good thing that you’re unable to learn anything. Once the leaders see this, they’ll arrange for you to do some other duty, this way I won’t have to worry about anyone surpassing me.” But then I thought, “Zachary has been negative for a few days now. If I don’t help him, will he say that I don’t have good humanity and that I’m lacking in compassion?” To keep him from thinking I was intentionally holding him back and not teaching him any techniques, I came to him, pretending to comfort him, saying, “Brother, don’t worry, take your time. Learning these techniques takes a while. When I started out, I had to watch a lot of tutorial videos too. There are still lots of videos that need to be made. With more practice, you’ll definitely be able to make videos by yourself.” Outwardly, it seemed like I cared for Zachary, but behind his back, I talked about all his little flaws in front of Jonathan, making Jonathan develop an antipathy toward him and join me in excluding and isolating him. I thought that so long as we all just ignored Zachary, he wouldn’t be able to stay on and that he’d ask to leave of his own volition, and in that way, I wouldn’t have to do a duty with him. But he never said he wanted to leave, and my attitude toward him became worse and worse. Most of the time, I didn’t even want to say a single thing to him. Later on, Jonathan saw that my problems were pretty serious, so he fellowshipped with me and asked me to cooperate harmoniously with Zachary. I also felt that I’d gone a little too far and I felt kind of guilty. I felt like I shouldn’t be treating him the way I was, but I was still afraid of him surpassing me if he learned some skills, so I remained unwilling to teach him. Later on, because he was still unable to make videos by himself, the leaders arranged for him to go off and do another duty. Once he had left, I didn’t feel as happy as I thought I would. Instead, I felt uncomfortable in a way I couldn’t quite describe. I couldn’t feel the presence of God, my heart was filled with darkness, and I felt like I was living in a daze. I had no good ideas as I was making videos and I found myself stumped by even straightforward problems, leading to videos often having to be reworked. I found myself feeling stifled and pained, and that I wasn’t as driven to do my duty as I had been before. Later on, I sought and opened up about my state with my brothers and sisters. They said that I placed too much importance on reputation and status, that I had an arrogant disposition, and that I didn’t have good humanity. It was pretty discomforting to hear this, but I finally started to reflect on myself. I’d really gone overboard with how I’d treated Zachary and this wasn’t something a person who believed in God would have done. I was completely lacking in humanity!

At this time, I began reading God’s word that exposes this aspect of people’s states. One day, I read God’s word saying: “Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is a vicious disposition. Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God does not like them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Dispositions). “Every one of you has risen to the pinnacle of the multitudes; you have ascended to be the ancestors of the masses. You are extremely arbitrary, and you run amok among all of the maggots, seeking a place of ease and delusionally thinking of devouring the maggots that are smaller than you. You are malicious and insidious in your hearts, surpassing the ghosts that have sunk to the bottom of the sea. You reside in the bottom of the dung, disturbing the maggots from top to bottom until they have no peace, fighting each other for a while and then calming down. You do not know your place, yet still you battle with each other in the dung. What can you gain from such struggle? If you truly had hearts of fear for Me, how could you vie with each other behind My back? No matter how high your status, are you not still a stinking little worm in the dung? Will you be able to sprout wings and become a dove in the sky?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. When Falling Leaves Return to Their Roots, You Will Regret All the Evil You Have Done). Each and every one of God’s words of judgment pierced my heart, and especially when I read God’s word saying “being envious of people with talent,” “arbitrary,” and “malicious and insidious in your hearts,” I really felt like God was before me, exposing me. I’d seen that Zachary had a keen mind and that he was a quick learner and I’d worried that he’d surpass me and then take my place once he’d learned all these skills. In order to protect my status, I not only refused to teach him, but I also deliberately stifled him, kept him from learning, and tried to rope in Jonathan to exclude and isolate him as well, all so that he’d feel the duty was too difficult and want to leave. I had treated my brother as an enemy to protect my reputation and status. Seeing my exclusion causing my brother to become negative to the point of not wanting to learn anymore, not only did I not reflect on myself, but I felt happy instead. I even hoped that he would leave soon. Jonathan pointed out my problem to me, but because I was so intransigent and placed so much importance on my own status, I never truly reflected on myself. As a result, Zachary remained unable to make videos by himself and got reassigned to another duty. I was truly selfish, despicable and malicious!

Later on, I read God’s word that says: “Antichrists take everything from the house of God and the property of the church for themselves, and treat them as their personal property, all of which is to be placed under their control, and they do not permit anyone else to intervene in this. The only things they think about when doing the work of the church are their own interests, their own status, and their own pride. They do not allow anyone to harm their interests, much less do they allow anyone of caliber or anyone who is able to speak of their experiential testimony to threaten their reputation and status. … When someone comes forward and does a little work, or when someone is able to speak of true experiential testimony, and God’s chosen people receive benefits, edification, and support from it, and it earns great praise from everyone, envy and hate grow in the hearts of the antichrists, and they exclude and suppress that person. They do not, under any circumstances, allow such people to undertake any work, in order to prevent them from threatening their status. … the antichrists think to themselves, ‘There’s no way I’m going to put up with this. You want to have a role in my domain, to compete with me. That’s impossible; don’t even think about it. You’re more educated than me, more articulate than me, more popular than me, and you pursue the truth with greater diligence than I do. If I were to cooperate with you and you stole my thunder, what would I do then?’ Do they consider the interests of the house of God? No” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part One)). God’s word exposes that in order to gain status and make others look up to them, antichrists use any means at their disposal to suppress and exclude anybody capable of threatening their status, and that they have no consideration whatsoever for the work of the church. I saw that my actions were the actions of an antichrist and that I had been doing my duty solely to gain the admiration of others. I was afraid that Zachary would surpass me and take my place once he’d learned some skills, so I didn’t teach him, and judged and isolated him behind his back. I viewed this church work as my own enterprise. I wanted to do as I pleased, act wantonly, and use any means I had at my disposal to attack and exclude anybody who might constitute a threat to my status. I wasn’t considering the interests of the church at all. My desire for status really went to my head, and I lost all sense of reason! Now is a crucial time for spreading the gospel of the kingdom. We need to make more videos to testify to God’s appearance and work. If I’d taught Zachary everything I knew, he would have been able to bring his talents to the fore and if we had been able to work together harmoniously, the speed at which we made videos would have increased, and we would have been able to contribute our humble efforts to spreading the gospel of the kingdom, thus fulfilling our responsibilities and duties. But I’d just thought about how another partner would pose a threat to my status. I only cared about my own reputation and status, and I didn’t consider God’s intention or consider how the work of the church would be impacted whatsoever, nor did I consider my brother’s feelings. I preferred to delay duties rather than allow my status to be affected. I was truly selfish and lacking in humanity! I was willing to do whatever it took for the sake of my reputation and status, even at the cost of sacrificing the interests of the church. I was walking the path of an antichrist!

One day, during my spiritual devotion, I read more of God’s word: “God loathes nothing more than when people pursue status, because the pursuit of status is a satanic disposition, it is a wrong path, it is born of the corruption of Satan, it is something condemned by God, and it is the very thing that God will judge and cleanse away. God loathes nothing more than when people pursue status, and yet you still mulishly compete for status, you unfailingly cherish and protect it, always trying to take it for yourself. Is there not a bit of a quality of being antagonistic to God in all this? Status is not ordained for people by God; God provides people with the truth, the way, and the life, so that they ultimately become a created being that is up to standard, a small and insignificant created being—not someone who has status and prestige and is revered by thousands of people. And so, no matter what perspective it is viewed from, the pursuit of status is a road to ruin. No matter how reasonable your excuse for pursuing status is, this path is still the wrong one, and is not approved of by God. No matter how hard you try or how great the price you pay, if you desire status, God will not give it to you; if God does not give it you, you will fail in fighting to obtain it, and if you keep fighting there will only be one outcome: You will be revealed and eliminated—you will be on a road to ruin” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). Reading God’s severe words, I realized that God’s righteous disposition brooks no offense, and when I thought about what I’d done, I was filled with fear. My pursuit of status was hated and detested by God, and it was a path leading to certain death! Without the church giving me a chance to practice making videos and the guidance of God, how would I have learned all these skills? The church had arranged for me to teach Zachary and I should have taught him everything I knew and cooperated with him to do the duty well. Only this would have accorded with God’s intention. God had hoped that I would have been able to pursue the truth in the course of my duty, that I would have been able to cast off my corrupt dispositions, and that I would have been able to fulfill the duty I should do to satisfy God. Only this was the right path and what I should have pursued in my faith in God. But I had not been pursuing the truth in my faith. Instead, I had been relying on satanic poisons like “There can only be one alpha male” and “Once the master teaches a student everything he knows, the master will lose his livelihood” to live my life. I viewed the skills I had as my private property, and I was unwilling to teach them to other brothers and sisters out of the fear that they would surpass me and that I would lose my status and others’ admiration as a result. I excluded and stifled others to stabilize my status. I was truly without conscience and reason! I thought about all the antichrists who had been expelled from the church. They all wanted sole power within the church, and to protect their status, they were willing to attack and exclude anyone they saw as a threat to their status. No matter how much they harmed others or how badly the church’s work was disturbed and damaged, they didn’t care even slightly. In the end, because of all the evils they committed, they were eliminated by God. I saw that the disposition my actions were revealing was no different from an antichrist’s; it was selfish and malicious, and hated and detested by God. This thought made me pretty scared, and I found myself filled with guilt and remorse. I fell before God and prayed, “Oh God, I have erred; I was blinded by status, lost all reason, and harmed my brother. God, I should not have done this, and I am willing to repent. If I do this again, please discipline me.”

Later on, the leaders arranged for two more brothers to come and cooperate with me. They asked me to teach them and said that this would make the video work progress faster and that it would help me by allowing me to share some of my workload. Hearing this, I thought to myself, “So they’re arranging for two people to come and learn at the same time; if I teach them everything I know, will they surpass me before long?” I was kind of worried and unwilling, but to save face, I had no choice but to agree to teach the two brothers. But while actually teaching them, I was still unwilling to share the key points and essentials that I had managed to master. I kept wanting to hold things back and only teach them basic techniques. But when I thought about doing it in this way, I felt very uneasy, and that what I was doing was selfish, despicable, and lacking in humanity. Later on, I read God’s word: “Nonbelievers have a kind of corrupt disposition. When they teach other people a particular area of professional knowledge or a skill, they think, ‘“Once the master teaches a student everything he knows, the master will lose his livelihood.” If I teach everything I know to others, then no one will look up to me or defer to me anymore, and I will lose my status as a teacher. This will not do. I can’t teach them everything I know, I must keep a couple of the most crucial things up my sleeve, that way people will respect and esteem me, and I can show that I’m superior to others.’ What sort of disposition is this? It is deceitfulness. When teaching others or sharing with them something you have learned, what attitude should you take? (We should spare no effort and hold nothing back.) How do you hold nothing back? If you say, ‘I don’t hold anything back when it comes to the things that I’ve learned, and I have no problem telling all of you about them. I am of a better caliber than you anyway, and I can comprehend more advanced things’—that is still holding back and it is quite calculating. Or if you say, ‘I’ll teach you all the basic things I’ve learned, it’s no big deal. I still have more advanced things in my repertoire, and even if you learn all of this, you still won’t be as advanced as me’—that’s still holding something back. If a person is too selfish, they will be without God’s blessing. People should learn to be considerate of God’s intentions. You must contribute the most important and essential things that you have grasped to God’s house, so that God’s chosen people can learn them and master them—this is blessed by God, and He will then bestow upon you even more things. This is what is meant by the saying, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ If you bring all your gifts and strengths into play in your duty and fulfill your duty so that everyone benefits from it, this is advantageous for the church’s work, and God will approve of it. If you hold back your gifts and strengths, just using a little of them and thinking you’re doing pretty well, that will not do; doing your duty that way cannot achieve good results. You must fellowship however much you understand and see through, only then can everyone benefit and better results be achieved. Suppose that you only speak in broad strokes and do not explain the details, keeping the important things hidden in your heart, yet you still think to yourself, ‘In any case, I’ve told you. If you haven’t grasped it, it’s because your caliber is poor, it’s not my fault.’ Such an intention contains deceit, does it not? Is it not selfish and despicable? Why can’t you teach others everything in your heart and everything you understand, instead of holding something back? This is a problem with your intentions and your disposition. When most people are first introduced to some specific aspect of professional knowledge, they can only understand its literal meaning; it takes a period of practice before the important points and essence can be grasped. If you have already mastered these things, you should tell them directly; do not let them take such a roundabout path and spend so much time groping around. This is your responsibility; it is what you should do. You will only not be withholding anything and be harboring selfish motives, if you tell them what you believe to be the important points and essence. When you teach skills to others, communicate with them about a certain profession, or fellowship about life entry with them, if you cannot resolve the corrupt dispositions of selfishness and despicableness, you won’t be able to do your duties well, in which case, you are not people who possess humanity or conscience and reason, or who practice the truth. You must seek the truth to resolve your corrupt dispositions, and reach the point where you are devoid of selfish motives, and only consider God’s intentions. In this way, you will have the truth reality. It is too tiring if you do not pursue the truth and live by satanic dispositions like nonbelievers. In the nonbelieving world, competition is particularly fierce in every industry. Once people learn some technical or professional skill or master some ability, they are extremely guarded about it and won’t teach it to anyone, fearing that once they do, they will lose their livelihood. In order to protect their livelihood, they must also be constantly vigilant against people stealing their skills. Even if they teach an apprentice, they have to hold something back; they do not pass the most crucial techniques on to outsiders, but only to their own children and descendants. People regard all kinds of techniques and abilities as their livelihood, as their capital, as the very root of their survival, which must never be told to others. But you believe in God—if you still think this way and act this way in God’s house, there is nothing to distinguish you from a nonbeliever. If you do not accept the truth at all, and continue to live according to Satan’s philosophies, then you are not someone who truly believes in God. If you always have selfish motives and are scheming while doing your duty, you will not receive God’s blessing” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). Having read God’s word, I realized that the satanic philosophy of “Once the master teaches a student everything he knows, the master will lose his livelihood” is a rule that nonbelievers live by, and that it is a selfish and despicable way of acting. When brothers and sisters perform a duty together, they rely on one another’s strengths to make up for their own weaknesses, and they cooperate to perform a duty well. As a person who believes in God, I should conduct myself and act in accordance with God’s word. I couldn’t rely on my corrupt disposition to do as I wanted. I had to allow the brothers and sisters to study properly, teach them the keys and essentials of making videos, and not hold anything back. I had to keep them from taking detours in their learning so that they’d be able to get started on video production sooner. These were the responsibilities and duties I was supposed to fulfill. This was God’s intention. Realizing these things, when it came time to teach the brothers again, I taught them all the keys and essentials I had come to master. After some time, they began to make some progress in video production. Because there were two more people to help, the efficiency of our duty also increased. Furthermore, in the process of teaching the brothers, my own skills were consolidated and strengthened. I experienced that only by letting go of my own selfish and despicable intention, practicing the truth, thinking about how to do my duty well, and considering how to practice in a way that would benefit the work of the church and how to act in a way that would help my brothers and sisters, did I feel a sense of ease and peace.

Looking back, I realize I was living by satanic poisons, and that I was selfish and malicious. My actions and conduct weren’t beneficial to my brothers and sisters, or to the work of the church, rather, they were disturbing and destructive, and were really hurting God’s heart. It was God’s word that allowed me to gain some understanding of how malicious and selfish I was, and to understand what normal humanity is, what people who believe in God should pursue, how they should conduct themselves, and at the same time, it gave me some real understanding of God’s righteous disposition. While I was intransigent, rebellious, and living in my corrupt disposition, God hid His face from me, but when I repented and confessed to God and practiced in accordance with His word, He began to work on me again and He used His word to enlighten and illuminate me to know myself. I came to realize just how real and practical God’s salvation is!