By Lu Heng, China

In April 2023, I received a letter from the leaders saying that I had an arrogant disposition, didn’t seek the truth principles when selecting and appointing people, and always chose unsuitable people based on my own will, bringing disruption and disturbance to the church’s work. It also said that I hadn’t turned things around even after fellowship, and that during my year as a leader, I hadn’t made much progress. Overall, I was assessed to have average caliber and to be unsuitable for further cultivation as a leader or worker. Given that I had some talent for writing, I was assigned to text-based duty. Reading the leaders’ letter dealt a severe blow to my heart. What the leaders meant was that my poor caliber made me unfit for leadership duty. That meant I could no longer serve as a leader or worker. With this, I would not only lose the esteem of my brothers and sisters, but I’d also lose many opportunities to gain the truth, and my hope of being saved would be slim. At this thought, I felt incredibly dejected. At night, I tossed and turned in bed, completely unable to sleep, thinking to myself, “I’ve been reassigned because of my poor caliber. I’ll never have a chance to come to the fore again; I’ll just be a nobody forever. When doing text-based duty, all I’ll do every day is screen articles and reply to letters. It’s nothing like being a leader, where you get to make arrangements and decisions on all aspects of work, or hold gatherings with the brothers and sisters to guide the work. I’ll never again get to enjoy their esteem and support. Besides, the leaders will definitely tell the brothers and sisters who know me why I was dismissed. They’ll probably even discern me. Then my reputation will be in the dirt, and I’ll be disgraced far and wide!” The more I thought about it, the more I felt my life was grim and my future completely bleak, and tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. I realized these thoughts of mine were wrong, and I wanted to pull myself together and dedicate my heart to my duty. But whenever I remembered I’d been reassigned because of my poor caliber, it felt like a knife twisting in my heart. I couldn’t quiet my heart in doing my duty, and sometimes I’d just hide away and cry in secret. During that time, I just went through the motions in my duty every day, content with handling my own tasks without caring much about the overall work. When I saw that the brothers and sisters in my team were lax in their work, and that the team leader bore no burden in her duty and didn’t make reasonable plans for it, I wouldn’t fellowship to resolve it, feeling it had nothing to do with me. Because I bore no burden in my duty, it yielded no results. It was only after the supervisor pointed out my problems and pruned me that I realized the seriousness of the issue. I was worried I’d be dismissed if I continued like this, so I wanted to seek the truth to resolve my problems. I prayed, “Dear God, I’m in a really bad state and can never muster any energy, but I don’t know what’s causing it. Please enlighten me so I can understand my own problems and learn my lessons.”

During my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words that spoke directly to my state. God says: “When some people are dismissed from their post as leader and they hear the Above saying that they won’t be cultivated or used again, they feel incredibly sad, and they cry bitterly, as if they were being eliminated—what problem is this? Does them not being cultivated or used again mean that they are being eliminated? Does it mean that they cannot then attain salvation? Are fame, gain, and status really so important to them? If they are someone who pursues the truth, then they should reflect on themselves when they lose their fame, gain, and status, and feel true remorse; they should choose the path of pursuing the truth, turn over a new leaf, and not get so upset or cry so much. If they know in their hearts that they’ve been dismissed by God’s house because they don’t do real work and don’t pursue the truth, and they hear God’s house saying that they won’t get promoted or be used again, then they should feel ashamed, that they owe God, and that they’ve let God down; they should know that they don’t deserve to be used by God, and in this way they can be considered to have a modicum of reason. However, they become negative and upset when they hear that God’s house won’t cultivate them or use them again, and this shows that they’re pursuing fame, gain, and status, and that they are not someone who pursues the truth” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Twelve: They Want to Withdraw When They Have No Status or No Hope of Gaining Blessings). God’s words spoke right to my heart. I felt very ashamed and also very moved. In this duty reassignment, hearing the leaders evaluate me as having average caliber and not being suitable to be cultivated as a leader was a severe blow. I felt that because I was reassigned due to my poor caliber, I would never be able to train as a leader or get to come to the fore again. I felt my life was grim and my future bleak, and I was lukewarm toward my duty. I saw that my desire for status was too strong. Back when I was a leader, I was full of boundless energy. I dashed around attending to church work from dawn to dusk, and whenever I saw a problem, I’d get involved in solving it. I felt I bore a real burden and was someone who was considerate of God’s intentions. But after losing my leadership duty, I was like a deflated balloon and couldn’t muster any energy at all. I just went through the motions in my duty every day. When I saw that the team leader bore no burden in her duty and that the team’s work was a disorganized mess, I acted like I didn’t see it. Like an outsider, I just let the work be delayed. In doing my duty this way, I wasn’t being considerate of God’s intentions at all; I was just toiling and laboring. I saw that my past enthusiasm and the burden I had borne were all for the sake of reputation and status, and that I wasn’t walking the path of pursuing the truth. Actually, my poor caliber was just one reason for my dismissal; the main reason was my arrogant nature and my refusal to accept the truth. I should have used this dismissal to properly reflect on and understand my corrupt disposition and achieve true repentance, instead of being depressed all day over losing my status, which delayed the church’s work. This was doing evil and was loathsome to God. After that, I looked for words of God relevant to my problems so I could reflect on and understand myself. I saw that in the past, I had done my duty based on my arrogant disposition, selecting and appointing people solely based on their intellect and gifts. When the leaders fellowshipped on the truth principles with me, I just wouldn’t listen. As a result, I chose the wrong people, bringing disruption and disturbance to the church’s work and leaving various tasks in a state of semi-paralysis. It was right for the leaders to dismiss me; they were protecting the church’s work. The church had still given me the opportunity to do a duty, so I should cherish it and properly repent. After that, I dedicated my heart to my duty and took the initiative to get involved in the team’s work. I carefully pondered the reasons for our slow progress, and when I found problems, I sought out the relevant truth principles to fellowship on and resolve them. When I saw the team leader was not bearing a burden, I pointed this out and fellowshipped with her. She gained some understanding of her own problems and was willing to turn things around and repent. Afterward, we planned the work together, supervising each other and learning from each other’s strengths. After a while, the results of the work began to show some improvement.

One day in June, the upper-level leaders suddenly asked if I was willing to do a duty in the proofreading team of God’s house. Hearing this, I had mixed feelings. Thinking of my despondent state after being assigned to text-based duty, I felt I didn’t deserve to be promoted. At the same time, I was also a little worried, “If I choose to do text-based duty in the proofreading team, I might never get the chance to be a leader again. Won’t that make it hard for me to stand out above the rest?” At this thought, I really wanted to refuse, but I also knew that the church always arranges duties based on the needs of the work, and that the reason a created being ought to have is to submit, so I agreed to go. At first, I had some desire to do my duty well, but because my state hadn’t truly turned around, I was revealed again as soon as something happened. Once, I learned that a sister who had been dismissed as a leader gained some understanding of herself and repented, and was soon elected to be a leader again. I felt so envious, “Why has God graced her so much and given her such good caliber? I’m around the same age, but because of my poor caliber, I’ve lost the chance to be a leader forever. I can only be an insignificant team member from now on. Why didn’t God give me good caliber?” When I thought this, I felt that I wasn’t being exalted or favored by God, nor was I esteemed by others, and I felt an inexplicable sense of sadness and loss. Sometimes I’d try to restrain myself from thinking about these things, but whenever I finished my duty and stopped for a moment, these thoughts would surface uncontrollably. The more I thought about it, the more disturbed my heart felt. Although I didn’t dare to abandon my duty, I couldn’t muster any energy for anything I did. I just went through the motions every day, and achieved no results.

One day during my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words, and my state improved somewhat. Almighty God says: “Regardless of what problems believers in God have, whether they be the pursuit of status, fame, gain, and wealth, or the satisfaction of personal ambitions and desires, in any case, all problems must be resolved through the pursuit of the truth. No problem can bypass the truth. No matter is separate from the truth. As soon as one departs from the truth in their belief in God, their belief is hollow. There is no use in pursuing anything else. Some people are merely content with doing impressive and glorious duties, making others look up to them and envy them. Is this useful? This is not your final outcome, nor is it your final reward, and it certainly is not your destination. So, regardless of the duty you perform, it is only temporary, it is not eternal. This is not an approval that God has bestowed upon you, nor a reward that He has given you. Ultimately, whether people can attain salvation is not dependent on what duty they do, but on whether they can understand and gain the truth, and on whether they can, in the end, entirely submit to God, put themselves at the mercy of His orchestration, give no consideration to their future and destiny, and become a created being that is up to standard. God is righteous and holy, and these are the standards He uses to measure all mankind. These standards are immutable, and you must remember this. Inscribe these standards in your mind, and at any time, do not think of finding some other path to pursue some unreal thing. The standards God requires of all who want to attain salvation are forever unchanging. They remain the same no matter who you are. You can achieve salvation only by believing in God according to God’s required standards. If you find another path to pursue things that are vague, and imagine that you will succeed by luck, you are someone who resists and betrays God, and you will definitely be cursed and punished by God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). After reading God’s words, I understood that being a leader or worker doesn’t mean a person will have a good outcome in the end. God determines a person’s outcome based on whether they have gained the truth and whether their corrupt disposition has changed. I didn’t understand God’s righteous disposition. I always felt that being a leader not only brought prestige and the high esteem of others, but also offered more opportunities to gain the truth and a greater hope of being saved, so I envied those who were leaders. This view of mine was not in line with the truth. I thought of the many people who had been leaders but were revealed and eliminated in the end because they didn’t pursue the truth and walked the wrong path. Take Yang, someone I knew. He pursued fame, gain, and status during his time as a leader due to his arrogant nature; he competed with brothers and sisters for fame and gain, and even did things like backstabbing and ostracizing those who disagreed with him. In the end, he seriously disrupted and disturbed the church’s work and was isolated. Then there was Dan, who had always been a leader or worker. Her gifts and talents were outstanding, but in her duty, she often exalted herself, showed off, monopolized power, and sidelined the brothers and sisters she was cooperating with. She committed many evil deeds and was characterized as an antichrist and expelled. From the examples of these failed individuals, I saw that being a leader doesn’t guarantee that you will be saved and made perfect. The key is whether you pursue the truth and walk the right path. Leaders and workers encounter more people, events, and things, so they certainly have more opportunities to train. If they can focus on pursuing the truth to resolve their corrupt dispositions, they will surely gain more truths, which is beneficial for being made perfect. But if they don’t pursue the truth and their corrupt dispositions don’t change, they can’t be saved even if they are leaders. If, based on their corrupt dispositions, they do evil and bring disruption and disturbance to the church’s work, they will eventually be revealed and eliminated. The duty you do now doesn’t determine your future outcome and destination. Only by pursuing the truth and casting off your corrupt disposition can you survive. Realizing this brought a great deal of light to my heart, and I saw that now I shouldn’t be pursuing duties that bring prestige and make people esteem and envy me anymore. I must pursue the truth to achieve a change in my disposition; that’s what’s most important. After that, my mindset toward my duty turned around somewhat. Whenever I had free time, I would ponder God’s words and write experiential testimony articles. I was more attentive to my duty than before, and it started to yield some results.

Later, I read a few more passages of God’s words, which were very helpful in understanding my own problems. Almighty God says: “For antichrists, status and reputation are their life. No matter how they live, no matter what environment they live in, no matter what work they do, no matter what they pursue, what their goals are, what their life’s direction is, it all revolves around having a good reputation and a high status. And this aim does not change; they can never put aside such things. This is the true face of antichrists, and their essence. You could put them in a primeval forest deep in the mountains, and still they would not put aside their pursuit of reputation and status. You can put them among any group of people, and all they can think about is still reputation and status. Although antichrists also believe in God, they see the pursuit of reputation and status as equivalent to faith in God and place these two things on equal footing. Which is to say, as they walk the path of faith in God, they also pursue their own reputation and status. It can be said that in antichrists’ hearts, the pursuit of the truth in their faith in God is the pursuit of reputation and status, and the pursuit of reputation and status is also the pursuit of the truth; to gain reputation and status is to gain the truth and life. If they feel that they have no fame, gain, or status, that no one looks up to them, esteems them, or follows them, then they are very disappointed, they believe there is no point in believing in God, no value to it, and they say to themselves, ‘Is such faith in god a failure? Aren’t I without hope?’ They often calculate such things in their hearts. They calculate how they can carve a place out for themselves in the house of God, how they can have a lofty reputation in the church, how they can get people to listen when they talk, and to support them when they act, how they can get people to follow them no matter where they are, and how they can have an influential voice in the church, and fame, gain, and status—they really focus on such things in their hearts. These are what such people pursue” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). “Regardless of what the direction or goal of your pursuit is, if you do not reflect on the pursuit of status and reputation, and if you find it very difficult to put this aside, then that will affect your life entry. As long as status has a place in your heart, it will be fully capable of controlling and influencing your life’s direction and the goal of your pursuit, in which case it will be very difficult for you to enter the truth reality, to say nothing of achieving changes in your disposition; whether you are ultimately able to gain God’s approval, of course, goes without saying. What’s more, if you are never able to give up your pursuit of status, this will affect your ability to do your duty in a way that is up to standard, which will make it very difficult for you to become a created being that is up to standard. Why do I say this? God loathes nothing more than when people pursue status, because the pursuit of status is a satanic disposition, it is a wrong path, it is born of the corruption of Satan, it is something condemned by God, and it is the very thing that God will judge and cleanse away. God loathes nothing more than when people pursue status, and yet you still mulishly compete for status, you unfailingly cherish and protect it, always trying to take it for yourself. Is there not a bit of a quality of being antagonistic to God in all this? Status is not ordained for people by God; God provides people with the truth, the way, and the life, so that they ultimately become a created being that is up to standard, a small and insignificant created being—not someone who has status and prestige and is revered by thousands of people. And so, no matter what perspective it is viewed from, the pursuit of status is a road to ruin. No matter how reasonable your excuse for pursuing status is, this path is still the wrong one, and is not approved of by God. No matter how hard you try or how great the price you pay, if you desire status, God will not give it to you; if God does not give it you, you will fail in fighting to obtain it, and if you keep fighting there will only be one outcome: You will be revealed and eliminated—you will be on a road to ruin” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)).

God exposes that antichrists regard reputation and status as more important than their own lives. They make obtaining a good reputation and a high status the goal of their pursuit, and they constantly scheme in their hearts about how to gain a foothold in God’s house and how to get others to look up to them. The moment they lose fame, gain, and status, and no longer have the admiration and worship of their brothers and sisters, they lose all energy and feel that life is meaningless. Comparing myself to this, I saw that my behavior was exactly the same as an antichrist’s. I lived by satanic poisons like “Stand out above the rest,” “Man struggles upward; water flows downward,” and “A soldier who doesn’t want to be a general is not a good soldier.” I believed that I had to stand out above the rest to live a meaningful and valuable life. In school, I studied hard. After being elected class monitor, my classmates all looked up to and praised me. I felt very proud and thought any amount of suffering was worth it. After finding God, I saw that being a leader brought status and prestige, so I always pursued being a leader. When I was elected as a leader and gained the esteem of my brothers and sisters, my heart felt as sweet as honey. I felt there was something to strive for in believing in God and doing my duty so I actively participated in all aspects of work, burning the midnight oil every day and never getting tired of it. When I heard the upper-level leaders say I wasn’t suitable to be a leader, it felt like I’d been hit by a sledgehammer. The thought that I could no longer be a leader and would never again receive the esteem and worship of my brothers and sisters, and might even be discerned by them, made me feel like my life had hit rock bottom. I was in terrible mental agony, and I lost all energy for everything. I even complained that God hadn’t given me good caliber, and passed my days in a daze, living in misunderstandings and despondency, bearing no burden in my duty and achieving no results in my work. I treated reputation and status as my very lifeblood, regarding them as more important than pursuing the truth and doing my duty well. When I had status, I pursued with gusto; but when I lost my reputation and status, it was as if my soul had been ripped out, and I became negative and slack in my duty. My desire for status was too strong! I clearly had poor caliber and was arrogant, without a shred of truth reality, and was completely unfit for leadership duty. Yet I still couldn’t stop thinking about becoming a leader, and was unwilling to be an ordinary text-based worker. I had a vain dream that one day I could be a leader again and enjoy the admiration and worship of my brothers and sisters. I was so arrogant and conceited, and utterly lacking in reason. My desire to be a leader wasn’t about being considerate of God’s intentions or satisfying God at all, nor was it truly about pursuing the truth to be saved. It was all to satisfy my own vanity and enjoy the benefits of status. I was walking the path of an antichrist! If I continued to stubbornly pursue in this way, I would only become more rebellious and resistant to God, eventually offending God’s disposition and being revealed and eliminated by Him, just like an antichrist. Realizing this scared me. I felt that the nature and consequences of pursuing reputation and status were too serious. My not being a leader today was God’s way of pruning my desire for status, teaching me to submit to Him, to stand in the position of a created being obediently, and to do a created being’s duty well. This was God’s protection and salvation of me. My heart was filled with gratitude for God, and I no longer wanted to pursue reputation and status.

Afterward, I read a few more passages of God’s words, and found principles and a path of practice. Almighty God says: “God’s house uses people in such a way as to put everyone to their best use, tailoring roles to suit each person, and does so in a way that is just right. If you have good humanity but your caliber is poor, then you should do your duty well with all your heart and strength; it’s not the case that you must be a leader or worker in order to be approved of by God. Even if you’re willing to trouble yourself, but you’re not able to trouble yourself in the way that a leader must, and you don’t possess the caliber you should have to be a leader, and you fall short of it, what then can you do? Don’t force yourself or make things hard for yourself; if you can carry 25 kilos, then carry 25 kilos. Don’t try to show off by pushing yourself beyond your limits, saying, ‘25 kilos isn’t enough. I want to carry even more. I want to carry 50 kilos. I’m willing to do it even if I die from exhaustion!’ You’re not capable of being a leader or worker, but if you still keep pushing yourself beyond your limits to show off, though you won’t get worn out, you will cause delays to the church work, you will affect the progress and efficiency of the work, and you will delay the life progress of many people—this is not a responsibility that you can afford to bear” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (8)). “If you are of poor caliber yet still spend all your time wanting to be a leader, or to take on some important task, or to be responsible for overall work, or to do something that allows you to distinguish yourself, then I tell you: This is ambition. Ambition can bring disaster, so you should be wary of it. People all have a desire to make progress and are all willing to strive toward the truth, which is not a problem. Some people have caliber, meet the criteria for being leaders, and are able to strive toward the truth, and this is a good thing. Others are not possessed of caliber, so they should stick to their own duty, performing the duty that is right in front of them properly and doing it according to principle, and according to the requirements of God’s house; for them, that’s better, safer, more realistic” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (5)). “To be a leader or worker, one needs to possess a certain level of caliber. A person’s caliber determines their work capability and the extent to which they grasp the truth principles. If your caliber is somewhat lacking and you do not have a deep enough comprehension of the truth, but you are able to practice as much as you can understand, and you can put into practice what you understand, and in your heart you are pure and honest, and do not scheme for anything on your own behalf or pursue fame, gain, and status, and you can accept God’s scrutiny, then you are a right person” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (20)). After reading God’s words, I came to understand that in God’s house, being a leader or worker requires not only pursuing the truth but also having a certain caliber and work capability. Only then can you do the church’s work well. The church had given me opportunities to train as a leader in the past, and I had worked hard in my pursuit. Although I could solve the brothers’ and sisters’ problems and difficulties according to God’s words, when it came to major matters like selecting and appointing people or decision-making work, I couldn’t discern people or choose appropriately. I knew some principles in a doctrinal sense, but I always made mistakes when applying them in practice. I was also arrogant and wouldn’t listen to others’ suggestions, always selecting and appointing unsuitable people, which brought disruption and disturbance to the church’s work. I saw that my caliber was really poor. If I continued as a leader, I would not only harm the brothers and sisters but also disrupt and disturb the church’s work. Now, the church has assigned me to text-based duty based on my caliber and strengths, which makes the best use of my abilities and is tailored to my measure. It also serves as a protection for me. My desire for reputation and status is so strong that if I were a leader, I’d be uncontrollably driven to toil for status, showing myself off at every turn in my work and sermons, and unable to quiet myself before God to seek the truth principles. I’d also cause disruption and disturbance to satisfy my ambition for status and walk the path of an antichrist. So, not being a leader is actually a good thing for me. Now, in my text-based duty, I can quiet my heart more to eat and drink God’s words and ponder the truth. This helps me reflect on and know myself and is beneficial for my life entry. It’s also a restraint on my arrogance and ambition, and I am protected by this. This is God’s painstaking intention. I should submit to the church’s arrangements, stand in my proper place, and do my text-based duty well. When I thought of it like this, my heart brightened a great deal. It felt like I had set down a heavy burden, and I felt so much more liberated.

One day, I learned that Sister Qi Ya had been elected as a church leader, and I felt a pang of jealousy. “She has good caliber and can play a major role as a leader in the church, but I can only do text-based duty. I’ll never have the chance to be a leader and be looked up to again.” When these thoughts revealed themselves, I quickly realized my desire for status was acting up again, so I rebelled against my thoughts. I thought of God’s words: “As a member of created humanity, you must keep to your proper position, and conduct yourself in a well-behaved manner. Dutifully hold fast to that which is entrusted to you by the Creator. Do not act out of line, or do things beyond your range of ability or which are loathsome to God. Do not pursue being a great person, a superman, or a grand individual, and do not pursue becoming God. These are all wishes that people should not have” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique I). “The functions are not the same. There is one body. Each does his duty, each in his place and doing his very best—for each spark there is one flash of light—and seeking maturity in life. Thus will I be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 21). Pondering God’s words, I understood God’s intention. God gives everyone different caliber and arranges different duties for them; there are no high-status or low-status duties. I should stand in my own place, pursue the truth, and do my duty well to comfort God’s heart. That is what is most meaningful. Thinking of this, I was able to quiet my heart for my duty. Sometimes, when I didn’t do my duty well, I would ponder where my shortcomings lay and how I could improve and break through. After practicing this way for a while, I was able to achieve some good results in my duty. Thank God for leading me to have these changes!