By Gao Liang, China

I was born into a poor farming family and after graduating from middle school, I left home to seek work. Later on, I met my wife and we had kids. I was always a hard worker, but it was often difficult to make ends meet. When my brother-in-law heard about this, he hired me on to work the excavator on his team. In the ensuing years, I managed to make some money and was able to build a new house and lead a better life.

I accepted God’s last days’ gospel in 2013 and balanced my faith with my work. I thought I should make more money while I was young so that I could help my son get started later on. This was my responsibility as a father. Later on, I began serving as a group leader, and then, in 2017, I was selected to serve as a watering deacon. However, I didn’t really want to accept it, because I knew it wouldn’t be as easy as leading a small group. I would have to accommodate new believers’ schedules for gatherings, and that would certainly influence my excavating income. If I didn’t save up enough money, how could I help out my son going forward? After realizing all this, I rejected the duty. But afterward I felt quite guilty. God had sacrificed so much to save us, and now when the church’s work required my cooperation, all I could think about was making money to help out my son and didn’t want to accept this duty. Would this not be hurtful to God? Realizing this, I knelt on the floor and prayed to God in repentance, promising that I wouldn’t reject any more assignments. In 2018, my brothers and sisters voted for me to serve as church leader. I felt quite conflicted: Being a leader that oversees the entirety of the work is a full-time duty. I wouldn’t be able to save up money for my son’s future, and then I wouldn’t fulfill my responsibility as a father. But I also thought about how guilty I felt for rejecting an assignment in the past, so I took the duty.

After becoming a church leader, I didn’t have time to work the excavator job, so we relied on the money my wife made selling vegetables to get by. After graduating, my son got a job in a factory, which lightened our load. But when it came time for my son to get married, we still didn’t have a house, a car or any savings for him. What was I supposed to tell my son? I felt that I’d let him down. Sometimes when he’d come back on a break, I’d make a really nice meal for him and show more care for his life to relieve some of my own guilt. In late August of 2023, my upper leader wanted to promote me to a duty away from home, so I discussed the matter with my wife. She asked me what I thought. I said, “I don’t want to go, because if I go then you have to shoulder the burden for our family by yourself. Our daughter is still young and our son still hasn’t married. If I go, what will become of our family?” My wife responded, saying, “If we encounter problems we can pray to God. Now that this duty has been assigned to you, you should have a submissive heart. I can take care of matters at home, don’t you worry.” A few days later, the upper leader wrote to ask for people’s evaluations of me, but I didn’t ask the brothers and sisters to write them. I thought, “I am the man of my house, it is my responsibility to shoulder the burden of our household. My son is old enough to get married, but we still don’t have a house, a car or savings prepared for him. Our neighbors that have kids of the same age all have houses and cars prepared for their children. What if my son asks me why I don’t provide for him when all these other parents provide for their children? What kind of father am I? I don’t know how I will respond. What’s more, my daughter has fallen ill and I won’t be able to take care of her if I leave.” Thinking of all this, I felt awful and didn’t want to do my duty away from home. But I also knew God would not be happy if I rejected the duty. Then again, my family would have a hard time if I did go. I was caught in a dilemma and it was quite the ordeal. I felt distracted for the next few days and even forgot to go water newcomers. I realized my state was off, so I prayed to God, “Oh God! These days, I’ve been living in darkness and feel quite tormented. Please enlighten me to understand the truth and guide me out of this state.”

During devotionals, I came upon this passage of God’s words: “There are also those who, because they’ve come to believe in God, live the church life, read God’s words, and perform their duties, won’t have any time to associate normally with their non-believing children, their wives (or husbands), their parents, or their friends and relatives. In particular, they will be unable to properly look after their non-believing children, or do any of the things their children require, and so they worry about their children’s future and prospects. Especially when their children grow up, some people will begin to fret: Will my child go to college or not? What will they major in if they get into college? My child doesn’t believe in God and wants to go to college, so should I, as someone who believes in God, pay for their studies? Should I take care of their daily needs and support them in their studies? And when it comes to them getting married, having a job, and even having a family and children of their own, what role should I play? What things should I do and not do? They have no idea about these things. The moment something like this comes along, the moment they find themselves in such a situation, they are at a loss and have no idea what to do, nor do they know how to handle such things. As time passes, distress, anxiety, and worry arise regarding these things: If they do these things for their child, they fear going against God’s intentions and displeasing God, and if they don’t do these things, they fear not fulfilling their parental responsibilities and being blamed by their child and other family members; if they do these things, they fear that they will lose testimony, and if they don’t do these things, they fear being mocked by worldly people, and being laughed at, jibed at, and judged by their neighbors; they fear dishonoring God, but they’re also afraid of earning themselves a bad reputation, and feeling so ashamed that they cannot show their face. As they vacillate around these things, distress, anxiety, and worry arise in their hearts; they feel distressed about not knowing what to do, they feel anxious about doing the wrong thing no matter what they choose, and not knowing whether anything they do is appropriate, and they worry if these things keep happening, then one day they won’t be able to cope with them, and if they have a breakdown then things will be even harder for them. People in such a situation as this feel distressed, anxious, and worried about all of these things that crop up in life, whether they are big things or small things. Once these negative feelings arise in them, they become mired in this distress, anxiety, and worry, and are unable to free themselves: If they do this, it’s wrong, if they do that, it’s wrong, and they don’t know what the right thing to do is; they want to please other people, but they fear displeasing God; they want to do things for other people so that they are spoken well of, but they don’t want to dishonor God or cause God to detest them. That is why they always become mired in these feelings of distress, anxiety, and worry. They feel distressed both for other people and for themselves; they feel anxious about things both for other people as well as for themselves; and they also worry about things for other people as well as for themselves, and so they become mired in a double difficulty from which they cannot escape. Such negative emotions as these not only affect their daily lives, but affect the performance of their duties as well, as well as, of course, affecting their pursuit of the truth to some degree. This is a kind of difficulty, that is, these are difficulties relating to marriage, family life, and personal life, and it is because of these difficulties that people often become stuck in distress, anxiety, and worry. Aren’t people to be pitied when they become stuck in this kind of negative emotion? (They are.) Are they to be pitied? You still say, ‘They are,’ showing that you are still very sympathetic toward them. When someone becomes mired in a negative emotion, regardless of what the background is to the arising of that negative emotion, what is the reason for its arising? Is it because of the environment, because of the people, events, and things around that person? Or is it because the truth God expresses disturbs them? Is it the environment that affects the person, or is it that God’s words disturb their lives? What exactly is the reason? Do you know? Tell Me, whether it be in people’s normal lives or in the performance of their duty, are these difficulties present if they pursue the truth and are willing to practice the truth? (No.) These difficulties are present in terms of objective fact. You say they are not present, so could it be that you have resolved these difficulties? Are you capable of doing that? These difficulties are unresolvable, and they are present in terms of objective fact. What will the outcome of these difficulties be in people who pursue the truth? And what will their outcome be in those who don’t pursue the truth? They will have two completely different outcomes. If people pursue the truth, they won’t get caught up in these difficulties and sink into the negative emotions of distress, anxiety, and worry. Conversely, if people don’t pursue the truth, these difficulties are present in them just the same, and what will the outcome be? They will entangle you so that you’re unable to escape, and if you’re not able to resolve them, they will ultimately become negative emotions that tie themselves into knots in your innermost heart; they will affect your normal life and the normal performance of your duties, and they will make you feel oppressed and unable to find release—this is the outcome they will have on you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). God’s words were a great exposition of my state. When I saw that my son had come of age, I thought that as the man of the house, it was my responsibility to make more money to help him start a family and launch his career, so I rejected the church’s assignment to serve as watering deacon. Later on when I was selected as a church leader, I did take on the duty, but I saw that my son was coming of age, and wondered how he would find a wife without a car or a house to his name. Would my son say I wasn’t a good father? These worries took root in my heart and I would often be bothered by them. Now, when the church assigned me to do duties away from home, those worries came flooding back. I worried that since my son still hadn’t found a wife, if I left to do my duty, he would certainly hate me, and our neighbors would certainly be talking about me behind my back. But if I didn’t go, I’d be rejecting my duty. I was so conflicted and didn’t know how I should proceed. I had believed in God for many years, but I still didn’t understand the truth and was encumbered by commitments to family. I thought that since I was the man of the house I should shoulder the burden for our family and make enough money to help my son with his family and career. As a result, I was always consumed with worry and couldn’t commit fully to my duty. I had to seek the truth to resolve this state quickly.

Later on, I found this passage of God’s words: “For whose sake are you feeling distressed, anxious, and worried? Are you feeling those things in order to gain the truth? Or to gain God? Or for the sake of God’s work? Or for the sake of God’s glory? (No.) Then what are you feeling those emotions for? It’s all for yourself, for your children, for your family, for your self-respect, for your reputation, for your future and prospects, for everything to do with yourself. Such a person doesn’t give anything up, or let anything go, or rebel against anything, or abandon anything; they have no true faith in God, and no genuine loyalty to performing their duty. In their belief in God, they do not truly expend themselves, they just believe to get blessings, and believe in God only with a conviction to receive blessings. They’re filled with ‘faith’ in God, in God’s work, and in God’s promises, but God does not commend such faith, nor does He remember it, but rather He detests it. Such people don’t follow or practice the principles for handling any matter that God requires of them, they don’t let go of the things they should let go of, they don’t give up the things they should give up, they don’t abandon the things they should abandon, and they don’t offer up the loyalty they should offer up, and so they deserve to sink into the negative emotions of distress, anxiety, and worry. However much they suffer, they do so only for themselves, not for their duty and not for the work of the church. Therefore, such people are simply not in pursuit of the truth—they are just a bunch of people who nominally believe in God. They know exactly that this is the true way, but they don’t practice it, nor do they follow it. Their faith is pitiable and cannot win God’s approval, and God will not remember it” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). God’s words exposed my state. Instead of spending my time thinking of how to pursue the truth and do my duty well to satisfy God, all I could think about was how I was failing to prepare for my son’s future, worrying that my son would think I wasn’t a good father, that my neighbors would speak ill of me, and that I may lose face among them. So, I rejected the duty. This showed me that all my thoughts revolved around my children and my reputation. I didn’t worry that I had believed in God for years but hadn’t attained truth, didn’t get worked up about poor results in my duty as a leader in the church, felt no remorse for not submitting in my duty and rejecting the duty, which disappointed God, yet I was always worrying about my family, my kids and my reputation. I prioritized these things over doing my duty as a created being. It was by God’s exaltation that I was able to do my duty as a leader, and God hoped that in the course of my duty, I would pursue the truth, achieve dispositional transformation and attain God’s salvation. And what did I want to do? I just wanted to be a good father and care for my kids and cultivate a good reputation. I clearly knew the church’s work required my cooperation, but I didn’t submit, I clearly knew that doing my duty as a created being was a bounden duty, but I rejected it. I rejected the duty of serving as a watering deacon, and balked at the opportunity to be promoted just to make more money and be a good dad. I saw that my views on things were no different than a nonbeliever’s despite years of faith. I had no loyalty to my duty at all, and in God’s eyes I was a disbeliever. I thought of how in order to save us, God had incarnated in the country of the great red dragon, which saw Him as an enemy. He expressed truths to supply us, and in order to allow us to gain the truth, He had tirelessly watered and shepherded us in countless ways. Yet I had rejected my duty for the sake of my children’s future. I was truly devoid of any conscience or reason! When I realized this, I immediately felt ashamed and became less resistant to leaving home for my duty.

Later on, I continued reflecting on myself: Why was it that every time I was assigned a duty, I failed to submit? What satanic poison was controlling me? I searched for relevant passages of God’s words and found the following passage: “These ideas of traditional culture, as well as men’s social responsibilities and positioning in society, are a source of pressure and even humiliation, and also distort men’s humanity, causing many men to feel fretful, depressed, and often on the verge of a breakdown whenever they are beset by difficulties. Why is this the case? Because they think that they are men, that men should earn money to support their family, that they should fulfill their responsibilities as men, and that men should not cry or be sad, and that men should not be unemployed, but should be pillars of society, and the backbone of the family. Just as nonbelievers say, ‘Men do not shed tears easily,’ a man should not have weaknesses, nor any shortcomings. These ideas and views are caused by men being wrongly pigeonholed by moralists, as well as by them continually elevating men’s status. These ideas and views not only subject men to all sorts of trouble, vexation, and anguish, but also become shackles within their minds, making their position, situation and encounters in society increasingly awkward” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. What It Means to Pursue the Truth (11)). “If you want to rid yourself of these fetters, you must seek the truth, understand completely the essence of these ideas, and not act under the influence or control of these ideas of traditional culture. You should abandon and rebel against them once and for all, and no longer view people and things, and comport yourself and act according to the ideas and views of traditional culture, nor make any judgments and choices based on traditional culture; but rather, view people and things, comport yourself and act according to the words of God and the truth principles. In this way, you will be walking on the right path, and will be a true created being approved of by God. Otherwise, you will still be controlled by Satan, and you will keep living under Satan’s power, and you will not be able to live in God’s words: These are the facts of the matter” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. What It Means to Pursue the Truth (11)). Through reading God’s words, I realized that the social responsibilities and positioning assigned to men are Satan’s way of ensnaring men, making them think that they must support their family at any time as this is their responsibility. Take, for example, my father who was a teacher. From an early age he impressed these ideas upon me, telling me I would be the pillar of the family and would have to support everyone in the family. He also had me do chores with him to let me know a man’s responsibility. After getting married, I made my responsibilities as the man of the family my priority. In order to ensure a good quality of life for my family and help my son get established, I worked long hours to make money and fulfill my responsibility as a father. All major decisions went through me, and no matter how tired I got or how difficult things were, I would always do whatever was needed of me without questioning. Influenced by traditional thoughts, whenever there was a conflict between my family and my duty, I would always prioritize my family. I rejected duties to make more money to put into savings for my son. Even as a church leader, I divided my time between my duty and my family, and wasn’t able to devote myself fully to my duty. Later, when I got a chance to be promoted, I was also resistant and rejected it. Now I realized that the traditional culture impressed upon us by Satan is in opposition to God. It makes people stray from God, betray Him and ultimately face destruction, just like Satan. Once I realized that Satan had used traditional culture to corrupt me, I was willing to change my ways and practice according to God’s words.

That night, during devotionals, I saw this passage: “As someone who believes in God and pursues the truth and salvation, the energy and time you have left in your life should be spent performing your duty and on whatever God has entrusted to you; you shouldn’t spend any time on your children. Your life does not belong to your children, and it should not be consumed for their lives or survival, nor to satisfy your expectations of them. Instead, it should be devoted to the duty and entrusted task that God has given you, as well as the mission you should fulfill as a created being. This is where the value and meaning of your life lie. If you are willing to lose your own dignity and become a slave to your children, to worry about them, and to do anything for them in order to satisfy your own expectations for them, then all of this is meaningless and devoid of value, and it will not be commemorated. If you persist in doing so and do not let go of these ideas and actions, it can only mean that you are not someone who pursues the truth, that you are not a qualified created being, and that you are quite rebellious. You cherish neither the life nor the time given to you by God. If your life and your time are spent only for your flesh and affections, and not for the duty God has given you, then your life is unnecessary and devoid of value. You don’t deserve to live, you don’t deserve to enjoy the life God has given you, and you don’t deserve to enjoy everything that God has given you. God gave you children only for you to enjoy the process of raising them, to gain life experience and knowledge from it as parents, to let you experience something special and extraordinary in human life, and then to let your offspring multiply…. Of course, it is also to fulfill the responsibility of a created being as a parent. It is the responsibility God ordained for you to fulfill toward the next generation, as well as the role you play as parents for the next generation. In one respect, it is to go through this extraordinary process of raising children, and in another, it is to play a role in propagating the next generation. Once this obligation is fulfilled, and your children grow up into adults, whether they become highly successful or remain plain, ordinary, and simple individuals, it has nothing to do with you, because their destiny is not determined by you, nor is it your choice, and you certainly did not give it to them—it is ordained by God. Since it is ordained by God, you should not interfere or stick your nose into their life or their survival. Their habits, daily routines, and attitude toward life, whatever survival strategies they have, whatever outlook on life, whatever their attitude toward the world—these are their own choices to make, and they are not your concern. You have no obligation to correct them or to bear any suffering on their behalf to ensure that they are happy every day. All of these things are unnecessary. … Therefore, the most rational attitude for parents after their children grow up is to let go, to let them experience life on their own, to let them live independently, and face, handle, and resolve the various challenges in life independently. If they seek help from you and you have the ability and conditions to do so, of course you can lend a helping hand and provide necessary aid. However, the prerequisite is that, no matter what help you provide, whether it’s financial or psychological, it can only be temporary and cannot change any substantial issues. They must navigate their own path in life, and you have no obligation to shoulder any of their affairs or consequences. This is the attitude parents should have toward their adult children” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). God’s words explained how parents ought to regard parental responsibilities. When our children are young, we have a responsibility to raise them well. But once they are grown, we ought to let them fend for themselves, and put our time into doing our duties as created beings. If we put all our time and energy into our kids and family, we will have lost the meaning of faith and will be unworthy of living before God. God gave me a family and children so that I could gain life experience in the process of raising my kids. This includes my responsibility of raising the kids and also my role in ensuring the continuation of our people. If I raised my kids well, then I would have fulfilled my responsibility. In addition, the fate of my children is in God’s hands. No matter how much I prepare for my children in material goods and wealth, I cannot change their fate. Some parents raise their children but are unable to help them start a family and career, but the kids still turn out fine. Conversely, some parents work hard to make money to help their kids establish themselves, but things still don’t turn out as they wished. Take me, for example, my dad didn’t leave me a house or money, but I still managed to get married. I also didn’t give my son much money or property, but he still graduated, got a job and is able to make money to take care of himself. My daughter might be sick, but her future is in God’s hands and I have no real control over that. I have a lot of responsibilities now as a leader in the church, but I still have many deficiencies and still have many truth principles to learn. So I need to put more time into my duty, rely on God and seek the truth in areas I lack understanding, and fellowship more with my partnered brother to do my duty well. When I was still balancing my time between my family and my duty, various family matters took up a lot of time and energy. Now that I’ve left home to do my duty, I’m in charge of several churches and am exposed to a lot of people and situations—these are all good opportunities to attain the truth. If I don’t take the opportunity to gain the truth from these situations, I might not get another chance. I have so much work to do every day now. When I don’t understand something, I pray to God, seek and fellowship. In this kind of environment, I have many opportunities to draw close to God. I feel a sense of peace and ease and no longer worry about my children. I thank God for the opportunity to perform this duty.