By Xin Cheng, China

When I was young, not only was my mom responsible for what we ate and what we wore, she also had to go work in the fields. When she finished that, she had to come back and do housework. Therefore, I thought women had to live like this in order to be good wives and loving mothers. After I got married, just like my mother, I prepared three meals a day for my husband and son, took care of their basic needs, and handled all the household duties. However, when my son was one year old, my husband died in a car accident. I was in great pain at the time and thought that life no longer had any meaning, but I went on living for my son. To give my son a complete family, I married my second husband. Seeing that he was quite caring toward my son, it brought my heart some comfort. After accepting God’s work of the last days, I often gathered and ate and drank God’s words with the brothers and sisters. I came to understand a few truths and began doing my duty. Later, since it was known around the village that I believed in God, the police started watching me, and I had to leave home to do my duty. I entrusted my son to the care of my husband and his parents. While I was away doing my duty, I missed my son a whole lot, and I always felt that I wasn’t fulfilling my responsibility as a mother. I was looking forward to the time when, circumstances permitting, I could go home and repay my debt to my son.

In July of 2023, I secretly took a trip home and found out that my husband had already filed for divorce. He also said that my son wasn’t working hard and couldn’t hold any job for long, and that if I continued not disciplining him, he’d be done for. My parents blamed me for not looking after my son and delaying his future prospects. Hearing this, I thought to myself, “If I stay home and push him a bit, won’t he start attending to proper matters and be able to walk the correct path?” Looking at my son’s situation and facing the criticism from those around me, I felt even more guilty toward my son. One day, my aunt visited my home and said that my cousin had helped her son open a shop that sold roast chicken. However, her son thought the work was too dirty and just stayed home playing games all day. No matter what my cousin said, he didn’t listen. Listening to my aunt’s story, I was reminded of a passage of God’s words: “It’s wrong to say, ‘Children’s failure to follow the right path is to do with their parents.’ Whoever it is, if they are a certain kind of person, they will walk a certain path. Is this not certain? (Yes.) The path a person takes determines what they are. The path they take and the kind of person they become are up to them. These are things that are predestined, innate, and have to do with the person’s nature. So what’s the use of parental education? Can it govern a person’s nature? (No.) Parental education cannot govern human nature and cannot solve the problem of which path a person takes. What is the only education that parents can provide? Some simple behaviors in their children’s daily life, some fairly superficial thoughts and rules of comportment—these are things that have something to do with parents. Before their children reach adulthood, parents should fulfill their due responsibility, which is to educate their children to follow the right path, study hard, and strive to be able to rise above the rest after they grow up, not to do bad things or to become bad people. Parents should also regulate their children’s behavior, teach them to be polite and to greet their elders whenever they see them, and teach them other things relating to behavior—this is the responsibility that parents ought to fulfill. Taking care of their child’s life and educating them with some basic rules of comportment—that is what parental influence amounts to. As for their child’s personality, parents cannot teach this. Some parents are laid-back and do everything at a leisurely pace, whereas their children are very impatient and can’t stay still even for a short while. They go off on their own to make a living when they are 14 or 15 years old, they make their own decisions in everything, they don’t need their parents, and they are very independent. Is this taught by their parents? No. Therefore, a person’s personality, disposition, and even their essence, as well as the path they choose in the future, have nothing whatsoever to do with their parents. … There is a problem with the expression ‘To feed without teaching is the father’s fault.’ Although parents have a responsibility to educate their children, a child’s destiny is not determined by their parents, but by the child’s nature. Can education resolve the problem of a child’s nature? It cannot resolve it at all. The path a person takes in life is not determined by their parents, but is preordained by God. It is said that ‘Man’s fate is determined by Heaven,’ and this saying is summed up by human experience. Before a person reaches adulthood, you cannot tell what path they will take. Once they become an adult, and have thoughts and can reflect on problems, they will choose what to do out in the wider community. Some people say they want to be senior officials, others say they want to be lawyers, and still others say they want to be writers. Everyone has their own choices and their own ideas. No one says, ‘I’ll just wait for my parents to educate me. I’ll become whatever my parents educate me to become.’ No one is as foolish as this. After reaching adulthood, people’s ideas begin to stir and gradually mature, and thus the path and goals ahead of them become increasingly clear. At this time, little by little it becomes obvious and apparent what type of person they are, and which group they are part of. From this point onward, each person’s personality gradually becomes clearly defined, as does their disposition, as well as the path they are pursuing, their direction in life, and the group they belong to. What is all this based upon? Ultimately, this is what God has preordained—it has nothing to do with one’s parents” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part One)). God speaks so clearly. Whether a child walks the correct path doesn’t depend on how their parents educate them; it’s determined by the child’s nature. Parents can teach and regulate a child’s superficial behavior, but they can’t change their child’s fate. What profession their child undertakes and what path they follow is not something parents can change or determine. For instance, my cousin watched over her son every day and disciplined him plenty, but her son still turned into who he was supposed to be, playing games all day and not even going to school. My cousin opened a shop for him, wanting him to attend to some proper matters, but after that he continued loafing around, just asking his parents for spending money. I also thought of my sister-in-law, who often argued with her husband. When she got angry, she’d go stay at her mom’s place and wouldn’t feel like educating her child. However, her son’s grades were always quite good, and he was wise beyond his years. This wasn’t because my sister-in-law taught him particularly well; he just had an innate willingness to study. He was able to put effort into it and be diligent. When my son was young, I often taught him to study hard and walk the correct path, but he was the type of kid who didn’t respond well to discipline. After coming home from school, he’d just start playing computer games and wouldn’t listen to anything I said, and if I tried to be strict with him, he’d throw a fit. Now, he wasn’t walking the correct path or attending to proper matters, and this was his choice, something determined by his nature. What I taught him wouldn’t change his choice, nor would it determine his future prospects. Understanding this, I no longer blamed myself for not being by my son’s side and educating him, and I also saw my own arrogance and ignorance. I always wanted to rely on educating my son to change his future and his life; I had no reason whatsoever!

In November of 2023, I got in touch with my son. At the time, my son was living alone in our old house and not with my husband and his parents. He didn’t cook, only going out to buy food, and he didn’t clean his room, just letting dirty clothes pile up on his bed. It hurt my heart to see this. He was cold and indifferent when I talked to him, resenting me for not looking after him and not recognizing me as his mother. I felt even more indebted to him, thinking that, as his mother, I hadn’t taken good care of him or fulfilled my responsibility to him. I cleaned both inside and outside his room and washed all his clothes. He would frequently not go to work and just stay home playing games, so I told him, “You should do some proper things; don’t always make your family worry about you.” However, he wouldn’t listen at all; he didn’t change after that. Later on, my husband shunned my son for not attending to proper matters and no longer wanted to raise him. I thought to myself, “Maybe I should find a job and then work while taking care of my son, fulfilling my responsibility as a mother.” But I still had to water newcomers, and if I got a job to earn money and look after my son, it would delay the watering work. I was very conflicted. Thinking that my duty came from God and I couldn’t act with no conscience and abandon it, I decided not to find work. However, I couldn’t let go of my son; when I wasn’t busy with my duty I’d go home and look after him, and I also thought about him while doing my duty. Later, the church wanted me to go do my duty in another part of the country, and I was even more unable to let go of my son, worrying that if I was far from home, there would be no way I could care for him. But I then thought of how the expansion of the kingdom gospel was in need of people’s cooperation. I’d been doing my duty for a few years, receiving some training and understanding some truths, and I couldn’t have no conscience when faced with God’s grace, so I agreed to go do my duty in another place. But what I didn’t expect was that around the same time, my son found a job that he liked. He was going to work and making money, he could cover his own life expenses, and my husband accepted him again. It truly did come out of left field.

Later, I self-reflected, wondering, “What is the root cause of me being unable to let go of my son?” I read these words of God: “People who live in this real society have been deeply corrupted by Satan. Regardless of whether they’re educated or not, a lot of traditional culture is ingrained in people’s thoughts and views. In particular, women are required to attend to their husbands and raise their children, to be a good wife and loving mother, devoting their whole lives to their husbands and children and living for them, making sure the family has three square meals a day, and doing the washing, cleaning, and all other housework well. This is the accepted standard of being a good wife and loving mother. Every woman also thinks this is the way things should be done, and that if she doesn’t then she’s not a good woman, and has violated conscience and the standards of morality. Violating these moral standards will weigh heavily on some people’s conscience; they’ll feel they’ve let their husbands and children down, and that they’re not a good woman. But after you believe in God, have read a lot of His words, understood some truths, and seen through some matters, you’ll think, ‘I am a created being and should perform my duty as such, and expend myself for God.’ At this time, is there a conflict between being a good wife and loving mother, and doing your duty as a created being? If you want to be a good wife and loving mother, then you cannot do your duty full time, but if you want to do your duty full time then you cannot be a good wife and loving mother. What do you do now? If you choose to do your duty well and be responsible for the work of the church, loyal to God, then you must give up being a good wife and loving mother. What would you think now? What sort of discord would arise in your mind? Would you feel like you’ve let down your children, your husband? Where does this feeling of guilt and unease come from? When you don’t fulfill the duty of a created being, do you feel like you’ve let God down? You have no sense of guilt or blame because, in your heart and mind, there isn’t the slightest hint of the truth. So, what do you understand? Traditional culture and being a good wife and loving mother. Thus the notion of ‘If I’m not a good wife and loving mother, then I’m not a good or decent woman’ will arise in your mind. You’ll be bound and fettered by this notion from then on, and will remain so by these kinds of notions even after you believe in God and do your duty. When there is a conflict between doing your duty and being a good wife and loving mother, while you may reluctantly choose to do your duty, possessing perhaps a little loyalty to God, there’ll still be a feeling of unease and blame in your heart. Therefore, when you have some spare time while doing your duty, you’ll look for chances to take care of your children and husband, wanting to make it up to them even more, and think it’s fine even if you have to suffer more, as long as you have peace of mind. Is this not brought about by the influence of traditional culture’s ideas and theories about being a good wife and loving mother? You now have a foot in both camps, wanting to fulfill your duty well but also wanting to be a good wife and loving mother. But before God, we only have one responsibility and obligation, one mission: to properly fulfill the duty of a created being. Have you fulfilled this duty well? Why did you stray off track again? Is there really no sense of blame or reproach in your heart? Because the truth has still not laid foundations in your heart, and does not yet reign over it, you can stray off track when doing your duty. Although now you’re able to do your duty, you’re actually still falling far short of the standards of truth and God’s requirements. … That we can believe in God is an opportunity given by Him; it is ordained by Him and is His grace. There is therefore no need for you to fulfill your obligation or responsibility to anyone else; you should only fulfill your duty to God as a created being. This is what people must do above anything else, the main thing that should be done as the primary affair of one’s life. If you do not fulfill your duty well, you are not a qualified created being. In the eyes of others, you may be a good wife and loving mother, an excellent housewife, a filial child, and an upstanding member of society, but before God you are one who rebels against Him, one who has not fulfilled their obligation or duty at all, one who accepted yet did not complete God’s commission, one who gave up halfway. Can someone like this gain God’s approval? People like this are worthless” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Recognizing One’s Own Misguided Views Can One Truly Transform). God’s words allowed me to understand that when I saw that the women around me were all pursuing being good wives and mothers, I too regarded this as the standard for being a good woman. I believed that a good woman took good care of her kid and husband, keeping all the household affairs in order. After getting married, I took on all of the housework, thinking that it was something I ought to do regardless of how tiring it was. When I left to do my duty and couldn’t prepare three meals a day for my son or look after him in his daily life, I thought I had failed to fulfill my responsibility as a mother, and I was self-reproachful and upset, feeling indebted to my son. When I was criticized and judged by people of the world, I felt even more like I’d been neglectful, and I thought of nothing but how I could look after my son, make him suffer less, and do my best to repay my debt to him. When I saw that newcomers couldn’t gather normally, I didn’t quickly find the relevant truths to resolve their problems, only supporting them when they got so negative that they wanted to quit. The lives of newcomers suffered losses. I’d prioritized compliments from people of the world and fulfilling my responsibility to my son, not considering the church’s work and being perfunctory in my duty. Even if I fulfilled my responsibility as a mother and prepared three meals a day for my son, I’d have failed to fulfill the duty I ought to do as a created being. I thought of all the saints and prophets through the ages, as well as many brothers and sisters, who’d given up their families and careers to spread the gospel and testify to God, bringing more people before God so that they could accept His salvation. This is something God approves of, a good and just deed, and living like this has value and meaning. My life and everything I had was given to me by God. I’d enjoyed so much watering and provision from God’s words, and all of this was His love and grace. This meant that I especially ought to do my duty well and repay God’s love. However, when I didn’t do my duty well, I didn’t feel indebted to God because of it, even feeling indebted to my son instead. Did I have any conscience or humanity at all? I saw that while pursuing being a good mother in the eyes of others could satisfy people and make them praise you, doing this meant only living for one’s family and flesh; it was all a waste of time and wouldn’t allow me to live a life that had meaning.

Later, I read two more passages of God’s words and gained a path to practice regarding how to treat one’s children. Almighty God says: “No matter whether their children are adults or not, the lives of parents belong only to the parents themselves, they do not belong to their children. Naturally, parents are not their children’s free nannies or slaves. Regardless of what expectations parents have for their children, it is not necessary for them to let their children order them around arbitrarily without any compensation, or for them to become their children’s servants, maids, or slaves. No matter what feelings you have for your children, you are still an independent person. You should not take responsibility for their adult lives as though it were completely right to do so, just because they are your children. There is no need to do this. They are adults; you have already fulfilled your responsibility to raise them. As for whether they’ll live well or badly in the future, whether they’ll be wealthy or poor, and whether they’ll live happy or unhappy lives, that’s their own business. These things have nothing to do with you. You, as a parent, have no obligation to change those things. If their lives are unhappy, you are not obliged to say: ‘You’re unhappy—I’m going to think of ways to fix this, I’ll sell everything I own, I’ll use up all my life’s energy to make you happy.’ It’s not necessary to do this. You just need to fulfill your responsibilities, that’s all. If you want to help them, you can ask them why they’re unhappy, and assist them in making sense of the problem on a theoretical and psychological level. If they accept your help, that’s even better. If they don’t, you just need to fulfill your responsibilities as a parent, and that’s it. If your children want to suffer, then that’s their business. There’s no need for you to worry or to feel upset about this, or to not be able to eat properly or sleep properly. To do so would be excessive. Why would it be excessive? Because they’re adults. They should learn to manage everything they encounter in their lives themselves. If you feel concern for them, that’s just affection; if you don’t feel concern for them, then it doesn’t mean that you’re heartless, or that you haven’t fulfilled your responsibilities. They are adults, and adults must face adult problems and handle everything that adults ought to. They should not rely on their parents in all things. Of course, parents should not place responsibility on themselves for whether things go well with their children’s jobs, careers, families, or marriages after they reach adulthood. You can feel concern about these things, and you can inquire about them, but you do not need to take complete charge of them, chaining your children to your side, taking them with you wherever you go, watching them wherever you go, and thinking about them: ‘Are they eating well today? Are they happy? Is their work going well? Does their boss appreciate them? Does their spouse love them? Are their children obedient? Do their children get good grades?’ What do these things have to do with you? Your children can solve their own problems, you don’t need to get involved. Why do I ask what these things have to do with you? By this, I mean that those things have nothing to do with you. You have fulfilled your responsibilities to your children, you have raised them into adults, so you should back off. Once you do, it won’t mean that you’ll have nothing to do. There are still so many things that you ought to do. When it comes to the missions that you need to complete in this life, aside from raising your children into adults, you also have other missions to complete. Aside from being a parent to your children, you are a created being. You should come before God, and accept your duty from Him. What is your duty? Have you completed it? Have you dedicated yourself to it? Have you embarked on the path to salvation? These are the things that you should think about. As for where your children will go next after becoming adults, how their lives will be, what their circumstances will be like, if they’ll feel happy and cheerful, these things have nothing to do with you. Your children are already independent, both externally and mentally. You should let them be independent, you should let go, and you shouldn’t try to control them. Whether in terms of the external side of things, affection, or fleshly kinship, you have already fulfilled your responsibilities, and there is no longer any relationship between you and your children” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (18)). “As someone who believes in God and pursues the truth and salvation, the energy and time you have left in your life should be spent performing your duty and on whatever God has entrusted to you; you shouldn’t spend any time on your children. Your life does not belong to your children, and it should not be consumed for their lives or survival, nor to satisfy your expectations of them. Instead, it should be devoted to the duty and entrusted task that God has given you, as well as the mission you should fulfill as a created being. This is where the value and meaning of your life lie. If you are willing to lose your own dignity and become a slave to your children, to worry about them, and to do anything for them in order to satisfy your own expectations for them, then all of this is meaningless and devoid of value, and it will not be commemorated. If you persist in doing so and do not let go of these ideas and actions, it can only mean that you are not someone who pursues the truth, that you are not a qualified created being, and that you are quite rebellious. You cherish neither the life nor the time given to you by God. If your life and your time are spent only for your flesh and affections, and not for the duty God has given you, then your life is unnecessary and devoid of value. You don’t deserve to live, you don’t deserve to enjoy the life God has given you, and you don’t deserve to enjoy everything that God has given you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). From God’s words, I understood that a parent’s responsibility and obligation is to raise their child until they become an adult, teaching them how to conduct themselves. Once the child becomes an adult and has the ability to live independently and handle problems, their parents should let them be free. If one pursues being a good wife and mother and spends their whole life just living for their family and children without fulfilling their duty as a created being, then their life has no value or meaning whatsoever. The only responsibility I have toward my son is to raise him until he is an adult, enlightening his mind and educating him to walk the right path and attend to proper matters. I thought of how, when my son was young, he would often play games until late at night. I talked to him about how playing online games could harm people and taught him to be a pragmatic person, even telling him how God had created the heavens and earth and all things, giving testimony to God’s true existence. However, he didn’t listen and just pursued pleasure and enjoyment, so my husband shunned him for not attending to proper matters and didn’t want to raise him. This was the consequence of the path he followed, and it was suffering he ought to endure. I’d already fulfilled my responsibility as his mother, and I wasn’t indebted to him. If I only considered his life and let go of my duty to go take care of him, giving him all of my time and energy and taking complete charge of his future life, going so far as to sacrifice my latter years while I was at it, then I really was too foolish! I realized this: My son’s an adult now. He makes his own decisions and has his own life path to follow, as well as the ability to live independently and deal with problems. I can’t look after him forever, let alone change his fate. Not only am I my son’s mother, but I’m also a created being. I should live to complete the mission that God has entrusted me with and do my duty well. Now there are still many people who have yet to come before God, as well as many newcomers who’ve yet to lay down roots and need to be watered as soon as possible. This is my responsibility and duty, and I ought to put more time and energy into doing it. As for my son, all I can do is entrust everything to God and submit to His sovereignty and arrangements.

Later, I read more of God’s words: “Each person’s destiny is determined by God; therefore, how much blessing or suffering they experience in life, what kind of family, marriage, and children they have, what experiences they go through in society, and what events they experience in life, they themselves cannot foresee or change such things, and parents have even less of an ability to change them” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). From God’s words, I understood that the suffering one endures in life, the happiness they enjoy, and the things they experience are all preordained by God and cannot be changed by anyone. Parents can’t even change their own fates, so how could they change that of their child? A child’s fate in life, as well as the ups and downs and the tribulations they ought to experience, were all preordained by God a long time ago. It is their life path and something they ought to experience on their own. Because of the great red dragon’s arrests and persecution, I’m now unable to look after my son, and I can’t give him any financial support. He’s all grown up now, and he needs to live independently, support himself, and follow his future path. Now that I’ve got a path to practice, I feel healed. If the circumstances allow it and I find a good opportunity, I go home and see him, but I spend more time and energy on doing my duty well. Living like this, my heart is secure and at peace.