By Ding Xiao, China

I once had a harmonious family, my husband loved me very much, our two children were lovely and well-behaved, and my husband and I worked every day to support the family. Although in others’ eyes our family seemed very happy, I always felt empty in my heart. Sometimes I’d think, “Will I spend my whole life like my parents, working hard to support the family and just getting by? What is the meaning of life?” At the end of 2013, my mother-in-law brought a sister to testify to me about Almighty God’s work of the last days. I came to understand that God’s work of judgment in the last days is to save people from sin, and to ultimately bring humanity into God’s kingdom, where there is no more death, sorrow, or suffering. I gladly accepted God’s work of the last days. One time, I heard a hymn of God’s words “God Is Seeking Your Heart and Your Spirit”: “The Almighty has mercy on these people who have suffered deeply; at the same time, He feels averse toward these people who don’t have any consciousness at all, as He has had to wait too long for an answer from people. He wishes to seek, to seek your heart and your spirit, and to bring you water and food, so that you awaken and you no longer thirst or hunger. When you are weary and when you feel something of the bleakness of this world, do not be lost, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival at any time” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Sighing of the Almighty). This song deeply touched my heart, and I felt like a lost child who’d just found their long-lost parents. I felt the warmth of coming home, and had support in my heart. It turned out God had always been by my side, anxiously waiting for me to come before Him. I felt God’s love and anticipation, I was moved to the point where tears streamed down my face, and my heart was filled with both joy and excitement. After that, I eagerly ate and drank God’s words, actively participated in gatherings and trained in preaching the gospel.

In June 2014, the CCP spread all kinds of baseless rumors on the media, framing, slandering, and discrediting The Church of Almighty God. After my husband saw this, he called the family to the TV, and with a serious face he said to me, “Look at the God you believe in—the TV says this is illegal. You’re not allowed to believe in this anymore. Send back those books!” My family was also present, and they echoed him, “If you want to believe in God, go to a church. But if you believe in Almighty God and get arrested, it will implicate the whole family.” I said, “The God I believe in is the true God, who allows people to understand truth, be good, and walk the right path. What law is being broken? What’s being said on TV are all just baseless rumors and slander.” My husband, frowning angrily, said, “Whether true or false, the CCP has the loudest mouth. If it says not to believe in God and you insist on doing so, it will find ways to deal with you. How can we ordinary people go against it? You can’t fight city hall! Just stop believing, and don’t go looking for trouble!” Seeing my whole family gang up on me to try and stop me from believing in God, I felt very distressed. For many days I didn’t dare to read God’s words, as I was afraid my husband would see and get angry, argue with me, and create conflict in the family. What if my husband divorced me? The children were still young, and it would be truly pitiful for them to be without a complete family and mother’s care! But without reading God’s words, my heart felt empty. God has revealed to us His management plan for saving humanity and various aspects of truth, and I wanted to understand more truth and gain God’s salvation. So, I prayed to God, asking Him to guide me to experience such a situation as this. One time, I shared my difficulties with a sister, and she fellowshipped God’s intentions to me. She even copied out some of God’s words by hand for me to read. One passage of God’s words greatly moved me. God says: “Faith is like a single log bridge: Those who cling abjectly to life will have difficulty in crossing it, but those who are ready to give their lives can pass over, sure of foot and worry-free. If man harbors timid and fearful thoughts, it is because Satan has fooled them, afraid that we will cross the bridge of faith to enter into God” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 6). I saw that believing in God is not a simple matter. It requires one to have faith to experience things, and when necessary, one must be willing to lay down their life to follow God. Satan uses baseless rumors to mislead people and block them from investigating the true way. It stirs up nonbelieving family members to persecute us, and that’s when our faith in God is truly tested, as only with faith can we overcome all difficulties. But when my family came together to besiege and persecute me, I was so frightened that I didn’t dare to read God’s words for many days. I was afraid that if my husband saw it, he would get angry and quarrel with me, causing conflict in the family. I realized that I had no faith in God at all. I silently prayed to God in my heart, asking God to give me faith and strength to overcome my family’s persecution and obstruction. Afterward, I copied out some of God’s words by hand, bought a smaller MP4 player, and hid them in my clothes. This way, I could read God’s words or listen to readings of His words while working in the fields. Every time I listened to the readings of God’s words at home, my heart was always on edge, as I’d be listening with one ear while the other ear stayed alert to any outside sounds. Whenever I heard my husband’s footsteps or the children calling for their dad, I quickly hid the MP4 player. But even so, I was still discovered by my husband.

I remember one time, my husband went out on some errands, I was reading God’s words in the house, and the children were gathered around me watching TV. But unexpectedly, my husband suddenly returned before long. I hurriedly hid the MP4 behind me, and my daughter quickly tried to shield me, but my husband still saw it. He pushed my daughter aside to grab my MP4, so I gave it to my daughter and told her to take it to her grandma. My husband smacked her, and she covered her face, crying as she ran outside holding the MP4. When my husband saw her leave, he closed the door. Then, he stormed over to me aggressively and kicked me, knocking me back several steps. He then grabbed my collar and hit me in the face, beating me while saying, “I won’t let you believe, but you just won’t give it up! I’ll beat you to death! Let’s see if you can still believe then!” I couldn’t fight back and could only endure his beating. I lost count of how many times he hit me. I felt dizzy and saw stars, my face burned painfully, and blood trickled from the corner of my mouth. I thought about how my husband used to be so loving toward the children and me, but ever since he’d started believing the CCP’s rumors, it was as if he’d become a different person, constantly watching, beating or scolding me. I felt that believing in God in China was truly hard and painful, and that there was no freedom at all. I didn’t know when this suffering would end. I silently prayed in tears, asking God to guide me to understand His intentions.

Later, while my husband was out, I read God’s words: “While undergoing trials, it is normal for people to be weak, or to have negativity within them, or to lack clarity on God’s intentions or the path of practice. But overall, you must have faith in God’s work, and, like Job, not deny God. Although Job was weak and cursed the day of his own birth, he did not deny that all things that people possess after they’re born are bestowed by Jehovah, and that Jehovah is also the One to take them away. No matter what trials he was put through, he maintained this belief. Within people’s experiences, no matter what refinement they undergo from God’s words, what God wants, all in all, is their faith and God-loving hearts. What He perfects by working in this way is people’s faith, love, and resolve. God does the work of perfection on people, and they cannot see it, cannot touch it; under such circumstances, faith is required” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement). When I read God’s words, I understood that God setting up various situations to try and refine people is testing them, and it is also to perfect their faith. When my husband had come to believe the CCP’s baseless rumors, and found out I was reading God’s words, praying, and attending gatherings, he would beat and scold me. I felt miserable and negative, and I thought it was truly difficult to believe in God in such a situation, so I lost faith. My faith in God was truly weak. I thought about when Job was tempted by Satan. He lost all his wealth and children, he was covered with sore boils, and even his wife complained against him. Yet Job knew none of it was accidental and that it was all permitted by God. Though he did not understand or see through what was happening to him, he always maintained faith and submission to God, bore resounding testimony for God, and ultimately caused Satan to be shamed and defeated. Facing these pains and difficulties, I too needed to have faith. Thinking of this gave me strength in my heart. No matter how my husband persecuted me, I would never abandon my faith.

Later, my husband’s persecution became even worse. He was secretly spying on and following me, and when he saw me leaving a sister’s house, he went to threaten that sister, saying if he saw her contacting me again, he would call the police. He even wrote two reports, intending to report the sister for preaching the gospel to me. He wrote down the sister’s name and address, but before he handed them to the police, my mother-in-law happened to find them, and I quickly destroyed them. By 2016, my husband was trying to force me to go out to work with him so that I couldn’t contact my brothers and sisters. He even got my father-in-law to urge me, and when I didn’t listen, my father-in-law hurt himself, banging his head against a wall. I was afraid he would get seriously hurt and hurried to stop him. Later, seeing I still refused to go out and work, my husband cursed and kicked me, grabbed my collar and slapped my face hard, and while beating me he said, “You’ve turned this house upside down. If you die, I won’t have to worry about you anymore.” My sister-in-law and father-in-law watched and didn’t stop him, and my two children were so scared that they cried under the covers. I felt unspeakably distressed, thinking, “It seems my husband won’t stop until I go out to work with him, but if I go out to work, I’ll lose contact with the church and won’t be able to gather or read God’s words. But if I refuse to go out to work, who knows what my husband might do. What if he reports the sister to get her arrested and brings trouble upon the church? Maybe I should start by getting him to settle down first.” So I said, “Stop hitting me. I’ll go out to work,” and he finally stopped. Thinking about how I wouldn’t be able to gather or read God’s words anymore made me very sad, and as I sat in the car on the way to work, tears kept streaming down my face. In those three years of work, I read a small notebook of God’s words I had copied by hand. Fearing my husband would find the notebook, I kept it in my apron at the factory, and I’d read a passage or two when I went to the restroom. Sometimes when my husband found out, he cursed angrily, “You’ve come here but still haven’t forgotten your God. If you get arrested, it will affect our children’s chances of going to college or taking civil service exams, and it will harm their future prospects. If you keep believing in God, our life together is over. Don’t embarrass me anymore. Let’s go back home and get a divorce!” I thought to myself, “I can’t properly eat or drink God’s words, nor gather or do my duties here, and every day it feels like there’s a boulder pressing down on my heart. What’s the meaning of living like this? Maybe I should just get a divorce, then I’d be free and I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.” But I was afraid if I really divorced, my husband would report my sister, causing trouble for her—what would I do then? I was caught in a dilemma, and all I could do was pour out my difficulties to God in my heart, asking Him to open a way for me.

At the end of 2019, my father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer and needed care, so my husband could no longer go out to work, and this finally gave me the opportunity to stay home. To escape my husband’s surveillance, I stayed at my parents’ home and worked in a factory with my sister-in-law and nephew. This finally gave me the chance to eat and drink God’s words and attend gatherings. But my husband, to stop me from believing in God, often called my nephew to inquire about me and monitor my whereabouts. As soon as he heard I wasn’t working at the factory, he knew I had gone to a gathering, and he’d often come to my parents’ home late at night. I was tormented by my husband’s sudden check-ins to the point where I was living in a daze, always worrying when my husband might come by unexpectedly. My heart was constantly hanging in suspense, and I felt extremely repressed, not knowing when such days would come to an end. I even thought it would be better to die, as at least then I wouldn’t have to endure this suffering anymore! In my pain and weakness, I prayed to God, “God, my husband is beating and scolding me. I can’t quiet my heart every day when eating and drinking Your words. My sleep is restless, and my heart feels so repressed. I feel that the path of believing in You is too difficult. I don’t know how to go on. God, please guide me.” I prayed to God again and again, and I recalled a hymn of God’s words I’d heard a few days before:

Seek to Love God No Matter How Great Your Suffering

You should know how valuable the work of God today is.

1  Today, most people do not have that knowledge. They believe that suffering is without value, they are renounced by the world, their home life is troubled, God does not find them pleasing, and their prospects are bleak. Some people suffer to a certain extent, even wanting to die. This is not true love for God; such people are cowards, they have no perseverance, they are weak and incompetent! God is eager for man to love Him, but the more man loves Him, the greater man’s suffering, and the more man loves Him, the greater man’s trials. If you love Him, then every kind of suffering will befall you—and if you do not, then perhaps everything will go smoothly for you and all will be peaceful around you.

2  When you love God, you will always feel that much around you is insurmountable, and because your stature is too small you will be refined; moreover, you will be incapable of satisfying God, and you will always feel that God’s intentions are too high, that they are beyond the reach of man. Because of all this you will be refined—because there is much weakness within you, and much that is incapable of satisfying the intentions of God, you will be refined internally. Yet you must clearly see that purification is only achieved through refinement. Thus, during these last days you must bear testimony to God. No matter how great your suffering, you should walk until the very end, and even at your last breath, still you must be loyal to God and at the mercy of God’s orchestration; only this is truly loving God, and only this is the strong and resounding testimony.

—The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only by Experiencing Painful Trials Can You Know the Loveliness of God

From God’s words, I understood that to pursue truth and bear witness for God, people have to suffer many hardships, and if when faced with circumstances they cannot overcome, they think of ending their life to escape the pain, then this is utterly cowardly, and they do not deserve to live before God. Those who pursue the truth are willing to submit to all of God’s arrangements and endure all kinds of suffering and pressure to follow God to the end. Even if they’re on their last breath, they hold firm to their position and refuse to compromise with Satan. This is the kind of person who truly has a testimony before God. When faced with my husband’s persecution, I wanted to escape suffering through death. Wasn’t I just a weak and incapable coward? I was allowing Satan to ridicule me, I was truly unworthy to be called a human, and I was unworthy of God’s salvation! I saw how small in stature and cowardly I was.

During my devotionals, I read more of God’s words, and I gained some understanding of the significance of believing in God and doing a duty. Almighty God says: “You are a created being—you should of course worship God and pursue a life of meaning. If you do not worship God but live within your filthy flesh, then are you not just a beast in human attire? Since you are a human being, you should expend yourself for God and endure all suffering! You should gladly and assuredly accept the little suffering you are subjected to today and live a meaningful life, like Job and Peter. … You are people who pursue the right path, those who seek improvement. You are people who rise up in the nation of the great red dragon, those whom God calls righteous. Is that not the most meaningful life?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Practice (2)). After reading God’s words, I felt strengthened in my heart, and I understood that in China, a nation that resists God, believing in God and doing one’s duty will inevitably bring much suffering of persecution. God hopes that we will not yield to Satan in tribulations, but rather endure all pain to follow God without compromising with Satan. Just like Peter, who was persecuted by his parents for believing in God. He was able to see through to his parents’ nature essence as resisting God, and so he let go of everything to believe in and follow God, and in the end was crucified upside down for God. He bore beautiful testimony and received God’s approval. Peter became a benchmark and model for those who pursue to love God, and his life was meaningful and valuable. Also, the saints throughout the ages were persecuted and slaughtered by rulers and authorities because they propagated God’s gospel so that more people could receive God’s salvation, and many of them were martyred. Their lives were the most meaningful. Looking back at myself, when suffering from my husband’s beating and scolding, and the misunderstanding of relatives, I always felt life was hard and painful, and I wanted to escape through death. Comparing myself to the saints of the ages, I felt ashamed. What was this little suffering I was enduring? It was barely even worth mentioning. I should follow their example and seek to live a meaningful life, and no matter how my husband tried to stop me, I had to believe in and follow God. Since then, every day at the factory I listened to readings of God’s words while working. I found ways to preach the gospel, took time off to attend gatherings, and even did my duty.

Later, seeing that beating me didn’t make me compromise, my husband said with furious exasperation, “Since you insist on believing in God, we have no choice but to divorce!” I felt living like this was too exhausting, and that it really would be better to end this marriage, so I said, “Fine, just say when, and we’ll go.” My husband snapped back, “If we’re getting divorced, I’m going to kill Wang Lan first! If she hadn’t preached God’s gospel to you, do you think we’d be fighting every day? I won’t let her get away with this!” Hearing this, I was afraid again, thinking, “If we really divorce, will my husband cause trouble for my sister? Will he bring trouble upon the church? But if we don’t divorce, my mental state will suffer—when will all this end?” Divorce or not divorce—neither was ideal. I was in a dilemma. Around this time, my husband was pressuring me every day to give him an answer. I couldn’t eat or sleep, so I took advantage of the time when he wasn’t home to fellowship with my sisters.

Wang Lan fellowshipped with me, “God has said that without His permission, Satan won’t dare to touch even a single drop of water or grain of sand on earth. If God allows your husband to cause trouble for me, then that is suffering that I am meant to endure, but without God’s permission, your husband cannot do anything to me. We must have faith, and I will also take good precautions.” After hearing my sister’s fellowship, I felt ashamed, and I also thought of God’s words: “Without God’s permission, it is difficult for Satan to touch even a drop of water or grain of sand upon the land; without God’s permission, Satan is not even free to move the ants about upon the land, let alone mankind, who was created by God. In the eyes of God, Satan is inferior to the lilies on the mountain, to the birds flying in the air, to the fish in the sea, and to the maggots on the earth. Its role among all things is to serve all things, to serve mankind, and to serve God’s work and His plan of management. Regardless of how malicious its nature, and how evil its essence, the only thing it can do is to dutifully abide by its function: being of service to God, and providing a foil to God. Such is the substance and position of Satan. Its essence is unconnected to life, unconnected to power, unconnected to authority; it is merely a plaything in God’s hands, just a machine in service to God!” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique I). I silently recited this passage of God’s words over and over, and my heart was filled with strength. I understood that all things in heaven and on earth are in God’s hands, and that no matter how wicked and vicious Satan is, without God’s permission, it does not dare to move even a single hair on a person’s head. It is merely a tool in service to God carrying out His work. I did not understand God’s authority, and when I saw my husband wanting to cause trouble for Sister Wang Lan, I lived in worry and apprehension, and I did not dare to stand my ground. I realized how small my faith was, and that without the guidance of God’s word, I could be frightened and overwhelmed by Satan’s fierce threats at any time. I thought of Job during his trials. Satan only dared to act because God allowed it to tempt Job, but without God’s permission, Satan did not dare to act arbitrarily. Job, by relying on his faith and submission to God, shamed Satan and bore testimony for God. I had eaten and drunk so many of God’s words, yet my faith was not even one ten-thousandth of Job’s. How utterly shameful! I remembered that my husband once threatened to buy some gasoline and burn down the house, yet it still hadn’t been burned. The heavens and earth and all things are in God’s hands, and Satan is likewise under God’s dominion. I should believe in God’s authority. Before, whenever my husband threatened me, I was afraid, and this led to me going out to work with him for four years, during which I never attended gatherings or did my duty. I went without understanding so many truth principles, and my life suffered serious losses. I couldn’t remain so weak, and no matter how my husband persecuted me, I had to follow God.

Later, I pondered, “My husband has beaten me so many times because I believe in God, and he’s shown me no marital affection, yet I still hesitate to leave him. Have I truly seen through to his nature essence?” I read God’s words: “Why does a husband love his wife? Why does a wife love her husband? Why are children dutiful to their parents? Why do parents dote on their children? What sorts of intentions do people actually harbor? Is their intent not to satisfy their own plans and selfish desires? … Believers and nonbelievers are not compatible; rather, they are opposed to one another” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God and Man Will Enter Into Rest Together). I thought about how my husband treated me well before I believed in God, and I realized that this was because I could bear children for him and manage the house for him. After I found God and took up my duty, he feared that if I was arrested, it would implicate him and bring him shame, and he was also afraid it would affect the children’s chances of getting into university. So, disregarding our marital relationship, he beat and scolded me again and again, repeatedly threatening me with divorce and calling the police, trying to force me to betray God. But even though he treated me like this, I still clung to him, vainly hoping for him to give me a harmonious family. Was I not degrading myself? My husband and I weren’t walking the same path. He was going along with the CCP to resist God and walking the road to hell and destruction, while I was following God and on the path of pursuing truth and receiving salvation. God says: “Believers and nonbelievers are not compatible; rather, they are opposed to one another.” My husband said that when he was away and thought of me reading God’s words at home, he would get so angry that he couldn’t sleep all night, and that he wished he could keep an eye on me at home every day. I believed in God but I hadn’t neglected work, nor had I neglected to care for the family. I was just reading God’s words and praying, but when my husband saw that, he just beat and scolded me. I saw his essence was one of hatred and resistance toward God. I had believed in God for seven years, but to maintain a harmonious family, I had been unwilling to leave my home or my children, and I’d missed out on so many opportunities to do my duty and gain the truth. I’d been truly foolish! God’s work is about to conclude, and I hadn’t yet gained the truth, fulfilled the duty of a created being, nor repaid God’s love! Had I really just come into this world for nothing? So, I resolved to divorce my husband.

Later my husband said that after the divorce, he wouldn’t let me have the children or allow me to go home to see them. My heart began to ache again, and I couldn’t help but cry. I kept crying out to God in my heart, “God! My husband wants to divorce me and won’t let me see the children. Will they suffer in the future without my care? I can’t let them go in my heart, and I don’t know what to choose. Please guide me.” After praying, I remembered how God said that humans are free-floating bodies, and that He has given them a home. So, I found and read this passage of God’s words. Almighty God says: “Were it not for the Creator’s predestination and His guidance, a life newly born into this world would not know where to go or where to stay, would have no relations, belong nowhere, and have no real home. But because of the Creator’s meticulous arrangements, this new life has a place to stay, parents, a place it belongs, and relatives, and hence that life sets out on the course of its journey. Throughout this process, the materialization of this new life is determined by the Creator’s plans, and everything it will come to possess is bestowed upon it by the Creator. From a free-floating body with nothing to its name, it gradually becomes a flesh-and-blood, visible, tangible human being, one of God’s creations, who thinks, breathes, and senses warm and cold; who can participate in all the usual activities of a created being in the material world; and who will undergo all the things a created human being must experience in life. The predetermination of a person’s birth by the Creator means that He will bestow upon that person all things necessary for survival; and, likewise, the fact that a person is born means they will receive all things necessary for survival from the Creator, and from that point on, they will live in another form, provided for by the Creator and subject to the Creator’s sovereignty” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique III). Man is originally a lonely soul, and after coming into this world, God arranged for people to have parents and relatives. Whether a person’s life is smooth or what hardships and pain they will experience are all under God’s sovereignty, and this has long since been predestined by God. No one can change this. My children’s lives are in God’s hands, and God has long since arranged the destiny of their lives. I always worried that if we divorced, my children would suffer without a mother’s care and protection, but I’d forgotten that God is sovereign over everything. If God has predestined that my children must suffer, then even if I stay home to watch over them, at most I can only take better care of their physical needs, but the suffering they are to endure will not be lessened at all. All of this depends on God’s sovereignty and predestination, and my worries and concerns are all unnecessary. Thinking of these things, I was able to let go of my children a little bit more, and I became willing to entrust my children into God’s hands. After that, I divorced my husband, and since then, it has been almost three years.

Last year, I called my daughter, and I learned that both of my children are doing well. I truly experienced that entrusting everything to God is the best and wisest choice. After the divorce, I was finally able to devote all my time to my duties, and when I faced difficulties in my duties, brothers and sisters would help and support me. When they saw my revelation of corruption, they would fellowship God’s words with me to guide and help me, and my life has made some progress. Thinking back on those years trapped at home, I wasted so much time and lost so many opportunities to do my duties and gain the truth, and I truly regret not initially reading more of God’s words and seeking the truth. If I had seen through these family affections earlier, I could have taken up my duties sooner, and perhaps I would have gained more truths. Time cannot be reversed, so now I must seize the current chance I have to read more of God’s words, strive toward God’s required standard, fulfill my duties, and repay God’s love. I thank God for His salvation of me!