By Li Xin, China

I was in charge of the church’s sermon work. In July 2023, I left home to do my duty, and by this time, my daughter had gotten married, had a child, and she had her own family. My son-in-law was working elsewhere, and my daughter and my 4-year-old grandson were living at my house. As I was about to leave, I felt a bit uneasy, because while I was away from home, if the child got a headache or fever, no one would be there to help my daughter. But then I thought about how important my duty was, so I went to do it.

I came home one time in November, and my daughter told me she’d been to the hospital for a check-up and that she’d been diagnosed with depression. I was shocked and asked her, “How did you become depressed? What’s troubling you?” My daughter said irritably, “Where do I even start?” I quickly asked, “What symptoms are you experiencing? How serious is it?” My daughter said, “I often can’t sleep at night, and I keep overthinking during the day. I feel utterly miserable, and I just want to cry. I feel that life has no meaning, and sometimes, I even have thoughts of not wanting to live. The doctor said I can still control my thoughts, but if I end up being unable to control them, I’ll be in danger.” Hearing my daughter say she even had thoughts of not wanting to live, I was somewhat afraid, so I comforted her, “Don’t listen to the doctor. Maybe they made a mistake in the diagnosis?” My daughter said, “I know my illness. I just wanted to let you know. The doctor has prescribed medication that I need to take for six months, but after I take it, I vomit and feel uncomfortable. With no one else home, I’ve been feeling scared, and I wanted you to stay for a few days.” After saying that, my daughter went back to her room to rest. I couldn’t calm down for a long time, thinking, “Depression isn’t something that develops in a short period of time. How much pain must my daughter have been going through to have developed this illness?” I couldn’t help but feel sorry for my daughter, and I felt I hadn’t cared for her enough. Every time I went home, I just focused on doing more housework for her, we hardly ever talked heart to heart, and I’d always just leave in a hurry. If I’d stayed at home to do my duty, I’d have had enough time to chat with her, and she could have told me about things that were troubling her. I could have counseled her a bit more, and maybe her condition wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Ever since I’d found God, my daughter had always supported me in my faith and duties, and helped take care of the home, and this had relieved a lot of my worries, but now that my daughter had this illness, I felt really guilty, like I wasn’t a good mother and hadn’t fulfilled my responsibility as a mom. I also thought of those cases where people with depression committed suicide or jumped off buildings, and I felt really scared. I worried about what would happen if her condition worsened and she did something dangerous while I wasn’t home. What would happen to my little grandson without a mother? The more I thought about it, the more scared and heartbroken I became. I thought that at this moment, my daughter needed care, and that I had to stay at home for a few days, and that once her condition stabilized, I would go back to doing my duty. So I stayed at home for two days, and I took my daughter to see a traditional Chinese doctor. My daughter told me that she and her husband had been having problems in their relationship, that they’d been arguing to the point of considering divorce, and that her in-laws weren’t taking care of the child. She felt wronged and lived in constant feelings of repression. My daughter cried as she let out all the grievances in her heart. Seeing my daughter cry so bitterly, I felt even more heartbroken and guilty, and that I’d let her down. I felt that if I’d shown more concern for her and helped watch over the child, she wouldn’t have developed such intense feelings of repression and aggrievement. Now that she was sick, I felt that I couldn’t just ignore her, and that I had to take good care of her so she could recover from this illness. So I fellowshipped with my daughter, telling her that all this pain was brought about by Satan, and only by believing in God could His care and protection be gained. I also looked up some of God’s words and experiential testimony videos for my daughter, and she agreed to give them a look. But I still couldn’t relax, and I thought, “If I did my duty at home, I could see my daughter every day, and talking to her more would surely improve her mood. But my duty is very busy, and if I stay at home, I’ll be distracted and my duty will be impacted. But with my daughter in this condition, wouldn’t she think I’m heartless if I’m not home? On one side is my daughter, and on the other is my duty. Both are important to me.” I felt conflicted. After thinking it over, I still felt that my daughter’s illness was no trivial matter. So I decided to take care of my daughter at home while also doing my duty, and that once my daughter felt better, I’d go out again and do my duty.

Afterward, I went back to the host home and told the leader about my daughter. After listening, the leader said to me, “I understand how you feel. There is God’s intention in your encountering this situation, and we need to seek the truth.” Afterward, we read a passage of God’s words together. “No matter whether their children are adults or not, the lives of parents belong only to the parents themselves, they do not belong to their children. Naturally, parents are not their children’s free nannies or slaves. Regardless of what expectations parents have for their children, it is not necessary for them to let their children order them around arbitrarily without any compensation, or for them to become their children’s servants, maids, or slaves. No matter what feelings you have for your children, you are still an independent person. You should not take responsibility for their adult lives as though it were completely right to do so, just because they are your children. There is no need to do this. They are adults; you have already fulfilled your responsibility to raise them. As for whether they’ll live well or badly in the future, whether they’ll be wealthy or poor, and whether they’ll live happy or unhappy lives, that’s their own business. These things have nothing to do with you. You, as a parent, have no obligation to change those things. If their lives are unhappy, you are not obliged to say: ‘You’re unhappy—I’m going to think of ways to fix this, I’ll sell everything I own, I’ll use up all my life’s energy to make you happy.’ It’s not necessary to do this. You just need to fulfill your responsibilities, that’s all. If you want to help them, you can ask them why they’re unhappy, and assist them in making sense of the problem on a theoretical and psychological level. If they accept your help, that’s even better. If they don’t, you just need to fulfill your responsibilities as a parent, and that’s it. If your children want to suffer, then that’s their business. There’s no need for you to worry or to feel upset about this, or to not be able to eat properly or sleep properly. To do so would be excessive. Why would it be excessive? Because they’re adults. They should learn to manage everything they encounter in their lives themselves. If you feel concern for them, that’s just affection; if you don’t feel concern for them, then it doesn’t mean that you’re heartless, or that you haven’t fulfilled your responsibilities. They are adults, and adults must face adult problems and handle everything that adults ought to. They should not rely on their parents in all things. Of course, parents should not place responsibility on themselves for whether things go well with their children’s jobs, careers, families, or marriages after they reach adulthood. You can feel concern about these things, and you can inquire about them, but you do not need to take complete charge of them, chaining your children to your side, taking them with you wherever you go, watching them wherever you go, and thinking about them: ‘Are they eating well today? Are they happy? Is their work going well? Does their boss appreciate them? Does their spouse love them? Are their children obedient? Do their children get good grades?’ What do these things have to do with you? Your children can solve their own problems, you don’t need to get involved. Why do I ask what these things have to do with you? By this, I mean that those things have nothing to do with you. You have fulfilled your responsibilities to your children, you have raised them into adults, so you should back off. Once you do, it won’t mean that you’ll have nothing to do. There are still so many things that you ought to do. When it comes to the missions that you need to complete in this life, aside from raising your children into adults, you also have other missions to complete. Aside from being a parent to your children, you are a created being. You should come before God, and accept your duty from Him. What is your duty? Have you completed it? Have you dedicated yourself to it? Have you embarked on the path to salvation? These are the things that you should think about. As for where your children will go next after becoming adults, how their lives will be, what their circumstances will be like, if they’ll feel happy and cheerful, these things have nothing to do with you. … As for any difficulties they face in their work or lives, do your best to help them whenever you can. If helping them would impact your performance of your duty, you can refuse—that is your right. Because you no longer owe them anything, because you no longer have any responsibilities toward them, and they are already independent adults, they can manage their own lives. You do not need to serve them unconditionally or at all times. If they ask for your help, and you are not willing to assist them, or if doing so will hinder your performance of your duty, you can say no. That is your right” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (18)). After reading God’s words, I understood how parents should treat their relationship with their children. The truth is, after parents raise their children to adulthood, their responsibility in raising them has already been fulfilled. After children become adults, whether they face setbacks and adversities in life or live happily or not is all under God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and is part of what they need to experience, and these things no longer have anything to do with their parents. When I learned about my daughter’s illness, because I didn’t know God’s sovereignty, I thought I hadn’t cared for her enough and that she had no one to share her troubles with, and that this was what had caused her to feel really repressed, otherwise, she wouldn’t have become depressed. I placed all the blame for her illness on myself. I realized that this view didn’t align with the facts. I had raised my daughter to adulthood, and my responsibilities had been fulfilled. Now my daughter was married and had a child, and whether she lived happily or suffered and worried was something she had to experience. I could help and counsel her when I had time, and take her to see a doctor, but at this point I had a duty to do, and I had to invest my time and energy in that duty. This was my responsibility and obligation. But in hopes that my daughter’s illness would get better as quickly as possible, even though I knew that by staying at home, I couldn’t fully invest myself in my duty, and that this would affect the progress of sermon vetting, I didn’t care. In my heart, I prioritized my daughter over my duty, and my heart was completely filled with thoughts of her. I wasn’t thinking at all about how to fulfill my duty and satisfy God. I was so selfish! There were still sermons that I had to vet as quickly as possible for preaching the gospel, so I had to focus on carrying out my duty diligently. After that, I went to do my duty.

But when my duty wasn’t busy, and I thought about my daughter being so young and having such an illness, I still felt very worried. I didn’t know if she would recover after treatment, and I wondered what would happen if it got worse. Thinking about these things, my heart would be suddenly gripped by distress, and I’d hurry home to check on her, and when I’d see that she was okay, I’d feel more at ease. If I didn’t go home for a few days, I couldn’t quiet my heart in my duty. Because my heart couldn’t focus on my duty, the results in my work from that time were poor. I knew I couldn’t put my daughter out of my mind, so I pondered how to resolve my state. In my seeking, I thought of a passage of God’s words and found it to read. Almighty God says: “No matter what or how much you do for your children, you cannot change their destiny or alleviate their suffering. Every person trying to get by in society, whether they pursue fame and profit or take the correct path in life, as an adult they must take responsibility for their own desires and aspirations, and they should pay their own way. Nobody should take on anything for them; even their parents, the people who gave birth to them and raised them, the people closest to them, are not obligated to pay their way or share their suffering. Parents are no different in this regard because they cannot change anything. Therefore, anything you do for your children is in vain. Because it’s in vain, you should give up this course of action. … Each person’s destiny is determined by God; therefore, how much blessing or suffering they experience in life, what kind of family, marriage, and children they have, what experiences they go through in society, and what events they experience in life, they themselves cannot foresee or change such things, and parents have even less of an ability to change them. Therefore, if children encounter any difficulties, parents should help positively and proactively if they have the ability to do so. If not, it is best for parents to relax and view these matters from the perspective of created beings, treating their children equally as created beings. The suffering you experience, they must also experience; the life you live, they must also live; the process you have gone through of raising young children, they will also go through; the twists and turns, fraud and deception you experience in society and among people, the emotional entanglements, and interpersonal conflicts, and every similar thing you have experienced, they will experience it too. They, like you, are all corrupted human beings, all carried away by the currents of evil, corrupted by Satan; you cannot escape it, and neither can they. Therefore, wanting to help them avoid all suffering and enjoy all the blessings in the world is a silly delusion and a foolish idea. No matter how vast the wings of an eagle may be, they cannot protect the young eaglet throughout its entire life. The young eaglet will eventually reach a point when it must grow up and fly alone. When the young eaglet chooses to fly alone, no one knows where its stretch of sky may be, or where it will choose to fly. Therefore, the most rational attitude for parents after their children grow up is to let go, to let them experience life on their own, to let them live independently, and face, handle, and resolve the various challenges in life independently. If they seek help from you and you have the ability and conditions to do so, of course you can lend a helping hand and provide necessary aid. However, the prerequisite is that, no matter what help you provide, whether it’s financial or psychological, it can only be temporary and cannot change any substantial issues. They must navigate their own path in life, and you have no obligation to shoulder any of their affairs or consequences. This is the attitude parents should have toward their adult children” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). As I pondered God’s words, my heart suddenly became brighter. The kind of marriage, family, and the amount of blessings and suffering a person experiences in life, have already been preordained by God, and no one can change these things. No matter how much parents do for their children, they cannot change their children’s destiny, nor can they alleviate their children’s suffering. I reflected on myself. After hearing that my daughter had depression, I always worried that her illness would worsen and she might lose the will to live, and so I wanted to go home and do my duty there, and to talk to her often and counsel her, so that in this way, my daughter’s illness would improve faster and not worsen. I realized this view of mine was wrong. In reality, everything about my daughter is under God’s control, and her illness had nothing to do with whether I was home or not, and whether her illness progressed or when she would recover was out of my control. These things were all part of God’s sovereignty, and my worries and concerns were useless. Because my son-in-law and daughter were having marital problems and wanted to divorce, my daughter was living in pain and being tormented by Satan. She felt her life had no meaning, and she was even thinking about taking her own life. But without God’s permission, Satan cannot take a person’s life. Counseling my daughter at home could only be temporary, and my daughter’s life path was something she had to experience herself, and whether this contained blessings or suffering, it was out of my control. After understanding this, my heart became brighter, and with far fewer worries and concerns, I could focus more on my duty.

When I had some free time, I would ponder my state, and I’d ask myself, “I wanted to return home to care for my daughter, and I couldn’t fully focus on my duty, but what was the root cause of this?” Later, I read God’s words: “People who live in this real society have been deeply corrupted by Satan. Regardless of whether they’re educated or not, a lot of traditional culture is ingrained in people’s thoughts and views. In particular, women are required to attend to their husbands and raise their children, to be a good wife and loving mother, devoting their whole lives to their husbands and children and living for them, making sure the family has three square meals a day, and doing the washing, cleaning, and all other housework well. This is the accepted standard of being a good wife and loving mother. Every woman also thinks this is the way things should be done, and that if she doesn’t then she’s not a good woman, and has violated conscience and the standards of morality. Violating these moral standards will weigh heavily on some people’s conscience; they’ll feel they’ve let their husbands and children down, and that they’re not a good woman. But after you believe in God, have read a lot of His words, understood some truths, and seen through some matters, you’ll think, ‘I am a created being and should perform my duty as such, and expend myself for God.’ At this time, is there a conflict between being a good wife and loving mother, and doing your duty as a created being? If you want to be a good wife and loving mother, then you cannot do your duty full time, but if you want to do your duty full time then you cannot be a good wife and loving mother. What do you do now? If you choose to do your duty well and be responsible for the work of the church, loyal to God, then you must give up being a good wife and loving mother. What would you think now? What sort of discord would arise in your mind? Would you feel like you’ve let down your children, your husband? Where does this feeling of guilt and unease come from? When you don’t fulfill the duty of a created being, do you feel like you’ve let God down? You have no sense of guilt or blame because, in your heart and mind, there isn’t the slightest hint of the truth. So, what do you understand? Traditional culture and being a good wife and loving mother. Thus the notion of ‘If I’m not a good wife and loving mother, then I’m not a good or decent woman’ will arise in your mind. You’ll be bound and fettered by this notion from then on, and will remain so by these kinds of notions even after you believe in God and do your duty. When there is a conflict between doing your duty and being a good wife and loving mother, while you may reluctantly choose to do your duty, possessing perhaps a little loyalty to God, there’ll still be a feeling of unease and blame in your heart. Therefore, when you have some spare time while doing your duty, you’ll look for chances to take care of your children and husband, wanting to make it up to them even more, and think it’s fine even if you have to suffer more, as long as you have peace of mind. Is this not brought about by the influence of traditional culture’s ideas and theories about being a good wife and loving mother? You now have a foot in both camps, wanting to fulfill your duty well but also wanting to be a good wife and loving mother. But before God, we only have one responsibility and obligation, one mission: to properly fulfill the duty of a created being. … What does God mean when He says that ‘God is the source of man’s life’? It is to make everyone realize this: Our lives and souls all come from God and were created by Him—not from our parents, and certainly not from nature, but given us by God. Only our flesh was born of our parents, as our children are born of us, but their fate is entirely in God’s hands. That we can believe in God is an opportunity given by Him; it is ordained by Him and is His grace. There is therefore no need for you to fulfill your obligation or responsibility to anyone else; you should only fulfill your duty to God as a created being. This is what people must do above anything else, the main thing that should be done as the primary affair of one’s life. If you do not fulfill your duty well, you are not a qualified created being. In the eyes of others, you may be a good wife and loving mother, an excellent housewife, a filial child, and an upstanding member of society, but before God you are one who rebels against Him, one who has not fulfilled their obligation or duty at all, one who accepted yet did not complete God’s commission, one who gave up halfway. Can someone like this gain God’s approval? People like this are worthless” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Recognizing One’s Own Misguided Views Can One Truly Transform). I reflected on how I’d been deeply influenced by traditional cultural ideas of “being a good wife and loving mother” and “A woman must be virtuous, kind, gentle, and moral.” I regarded these as rules for survival, and I believed that a mother should love her children, take good care of their basic necessities, and always worry and think about her children. I felt that this was what it meant to be a good mother. Because of my duty, I couldn’t stay at home to care for my daughter or help her take care of her child, so I often felt I was letting my daughter down. After my daughter was diagnosed with depression, in order to make it up to her, though I knew doing my duty from home would mean I wouldn’t be able to focus on my duties and that it would delay my duty, I didn’t care at all. I only thought about being a good mother to make up for how I’d let my daughter down. When the interests of God’s house conflicted with being a good mother, I wanted to choose to be a good wife and loving mother. In what way was I being loyal to God by doing that? If I’d gone home to care for my daughter and be a good mother, but I didn’t fulfill my duty, then all my actions would be a rebellion against God and worthless in His eyes, and I would also lose my chance at salvation. Only then did I realize that traditional culture has distorted the responsibilities and relationship between parents and children, making people only want to be a good wife and loving mother, not to do the duty of a created being to satisfy God, and unknowingly, it causes them to stray from God and betray Him. I thought about how many saints throughout history forsook their families and jobs and endured hardships, traveling far and wide to preach the gospel. To the nonbelievers, it seemed that they neglected their families, but really, they fulfilled the responsibilities of created beings. They were truly good people with conscience and reason. Without the timely fellowship from the leader, I was on the brink of giving up my duty. I prayed to God, “God, I almost betrayed my duty in order to be a good wife and loving mother. Thank You for Your care and protection. I no longer want to live by traditional culture. I only wish to practice according to Your words to fulfill my duty.”

Later, I read another passage of God’s words that helped me handle my relationship with my daughter correctly. Almighty God says: “When your children need to confide in you, you should lend them an ear, and after listening, you should ask them what they’re thinking and what they intend to do. You can also give your own suggestions. … If they want you to get involved, you can do so. And suppose that, when you do get involved, you realize: ‘Oh, this is so much trouble! This will impact my performance of my duty. I really can’t get involved in this; as a believer in God, I can’t do these things.’ Then you should hurry to disengage from that matter. Say that they still want you to intervene, and you think: ‘I’m not going to intervene. You should handle this yourself. It was kind enough of me to listen to you vent this grievance and all this garbage. I’ve already fulfilled my parental responsibilities. I absolutely cannot intervene in this matter. That’s the fire pit, and I’m not going to jump into it. If you want to, go ahead and jump in yourself.’ Isn’t this appropriate? This is called having a stance. You should never let go of the principles or your stance. These are the things that parents ought to do. … What are the benefits of acting in this way? (It makes life very easy.) At the very least, you will have handled the matter of fleshly, familial love appropriately and properly. Your mental and spiritual worlds will be at ease, you won’t be making any needless sacrifices, or paying any extra prices; you will be submitting amid God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and letting Him handle all of these things. You will be fulfilling every one of the responsibilities that people ought to, and you will not be doing any of the things that people must not do. You will not be stretching out a hand to get involved in things that people must not do, and you will be living as God tells you to. The way that God tells people to live is the best path, it can enable them to live very relaxed, happy, joyous, and peaceful lives. But, most importantly, not only will living in this way leave you with more free time and energy to perform your duty well, and to show devotion to your duty, you will also have more energy and time to put in effort with regard to the truth. By contrast, if your energy and time are entangled with and occupied by your feelings, your flesh, your children, and your love for your family, then you won’t have any extra energy to pursue the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (18)). God’s words have clarified to us that after children reach adulthood, the responsibilities of parents can be considered complete. Children have their own lives and paths to follow, and no matter what happens, their experiences are for them alone to go through. Parents do not need to worry about their children’s lives or pay a price for them any further. When not occupied with duties, parents can visit their children and help them with things to the best of their abilities, but when a parent’s duty and their caring for their children conflict, the interests of God’s house should come first, and they should hold to their duty and do it with loyalty. Having understood the principles of how to treat children, I came to know how to handle my relationship with my daughter, and I became willing to entrust my daughter into God’s hands, and whether my daughter’s illness improved or not, I would submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. After that, I was able to put my heart into my duties, and I saw progress in them.

Now, my daughter’s mental state has improved a lot through treatment. When I had the opportunity, I also fellowshipped with my daughter based on God’s words, and she gained insight into the essence of marriage, is no longer living in pain, and she now faces life with a positive attitude. Through my daughter’s illness, I gained discernment of the traditional idea of “being a good wife and loving mother.” I saw clearly that this isn’t a positive thing, and I no longer hold to it. I no longer wallow in guilt toward my daughter or in feelings that I’ve let her down, and my heart has found freedom and liberation. Thank God!