By Jiang Ping, China

One day in April 2020, I suddenly felt this terrible back pain on the right side. I thought I’d sprained it by accident, so I didn’t think too much of it, figuring I could put a medicinal patch on and it would be fine. But to my surprise, my back pain just got worse. It was like being stabbed with a needle—it was a piercing pain all the way from my chest through to my back. When it got bad, it felt like something clawing at my flesh and bones. The pain was so intense, I really can’t describe it. For several nights it even hurt too much to sleep. I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore and wanted to rush to see a doctor, but I’d just set up a meeting to share the gospel with some people. Going for a checkup would definitely delay that. I figured I’d go in a few days, after meeting with them, and besides, it was all in God’s hands. I just needed to keep doing my duty, and I might feel better after a few days. So I steeled myself to the pain, and went to the hospital after spreading the gospel. The doctor said to me very gravely, “Why’d you wait until now to come in? This is no small matter. This is shingles caused by a virus, if it becomes serious it could even be fatal.” I was really taken aback. I’d never imagined it was something so serious, that it could even cost me my life if it weren’t treated! I’d been actively sharing the gospel and doing my duty, so how could I have gotten such a serious illness? Over these last few years I’d made sacrifices and expended myself, and I’d suffered and paid a price. I had never betrayed God, even when I was arrested and brutally tortured by the Communist Party, and I’d kept on doing my duty after prison. So how could I still have gotten ill? I got more upset as I thought about it. I felt like I was about to cry, and I felt an emptiness in my heart.

At that time things were pretty busy at the church, so I kept doing my duty while receiving treatment. When I was out on my bicycle, any bump would put me in agonizing pain. Sometimes I’d be hit with a sudden bout of pain and couldn’t even sit still. I’d lie down when I got home from my duty, without a drop of strength and not wanting to talk at all. I knew that this was happening to me with God’s permission. I was praying and seeking, and reflecting on whether something I might have been doing wasn’t in line with God’s intention, and I thought that as long as I saw my mistake and kept doing my duty, I might recover from my illness. But two months went by in no time, and I wasn’t doing any better. I worried about how long this illness had been going on—what would I do if it never got better? Over these last few years I’d never stopped doing my duty. I kept sharing the gospel even when I was sick, so why wasn’t I getting better? I felt more wronged and more upset as I thought about it. I thought, “If I never recover, the day might come when I can’t even do a duty anymore and I won’t be able to prepare good deeds. Will I be able to be saved then? Was everything I’d given over the years in vain? I should save my energy for my health and see how things go with my illness.” I didn’t put my heart into my duty as much after that. In our group gatherings, I’d just perfunctorily ask about potential gospel targets, and if there weren’t any, I’d go home and get some rest. I was really afraid of wearing myself out and getting sicker. During that time, I was totally preoccupied with my illness, and I was really depressed. I wasn’t gaining any enlightenment from God’s words, and my fellowship in gatherings was really dry. I felt really distant from God. In my pain, I prayed to God, “Oh God! I feel miserable because of this illness, I have complaints, and I don’t have any drive to do my duty. Please enlighten me to understand Your intentions. I want to submit, reflect on myself, and learn a lesson.”

I read God’s words in my seeking: “First, when people begin to believe in God, which of them does not have their own aims, motivations, and ambitions? Even though one part of them believes in the existence of God and has seen the existence of God, their belief in God still contains those motivations, and their ultimate aim in believing in God is to receive His blessings and the things they want. In people’s life experiences, they often think to themselves: ‘I’ve given up my family and career for God, and what has He given me? I must add it up, and confirm it—have I received any blessings recently? I’ve given a lot during this time, I’ve run and run, and have suffered much—has God given me any promises in return? Has He remembered my good deeds? What will my end be? Can I receive God’s blessings? …’ Every person constantly makes such calculations within their heart, and they make demands of God which bear their motivations, ambitions, and a transactional mentality. This is to say, in his heart man is constantly testing God, constantly devising plans about God, constantly arguing the case for his own individual end with God, and trying to extract a statement from God, seeing whether or not God can give him what he wants. At the same time as pursuing God, man does not treat God as God. Man has always tried to make deals with God, ceaselessly making demands of Him, and even pressing Him at every step, trying to take a mile after being given an inch. At the same time as trying to make deals with God, man also argues with Him, and there are even people who, when trials befall them or they find themselves in certain situations, often become weak, negative and slack in their work, and full of complaints about God. From the time when man first began to believe in God, he has considered God to be a cornucopia, a Swiss Army knife, and he has considered himself to be God’s greatest creditor, as if trying to get blessings and promises from God were his inherent right and obligation, while God’s responsibility were to protect and care for man, and to provide for him. Such is the basic understanding of ‘belief in God’ of all those who believe in God, and such is their deepest understanding of the concept of belief in God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). I felt really guilty when I pondered God’s words. I saw that I simply wasn’t treating God like God in my faith. I’d been treating God like a Swiss Army knife, like a cornucopia, thinking that as long as I kept expending myself for God, He was sure to keep me safe and sound, that I’d never face illness or tragedy, and that I’d get to escape disasters of all kinds, and end up being saved and gaining a good destination. Over these last few years I’d gone away from my family and left my career behind to do my duty, I had suffered and given a lot, and I never pulled back even when I was arrested and tortured. But when I became sick, especially when I saw that my health problems were dragging on, I blamed God and tried to reason with Him. I was tallying up all my suffering over the years, and thought that everything I’d given would be a waste if I wasn’t going to be saved, and I started slacking off in my duty. I saw that my faith wasn’t to gain the truth and submit to God, but to exchange my suffering and hard work for God’s grace and blessings. Wasn’t that just cheating and using God? In order to save mankind, God has given us so many words to water and sustain us. But I didn’t repay God’s love; instead, I tried to make transactions with Him. When He didn’t fulfill what I wanted, I started muddling through my duty, and not caring. I wasn’t being genuine toward God at all. I really didn’t have any conscience or reason! I came before God and prayed, “God, I’ve been using You and cheating You in my faith. I’m barely even human! I want to repent to You. Please guide me.”

Afterward I read the word of God: “In many cases, the trials of God are burdens He gives to people. However great the burden bestowed upon you by God, that is the weight of burden you should undertake, for God understands you, and knows you will be able to bear it. The burden given to you by God will not exceed your stature or the limits of your endurance, so there is no question that you will be able to bear it. No matter what manner of burden God gives you, what kind of trial, remember one thing: Whether or not you understand God’s intentions and whether or not you are enlightened and illuminated by the Holy Spirit after you pray, whether or not this trial is God disciplining you or warning you, it does not matter if you do not understand. As long as you do not delay in performing your duty and can loyally hold fast to your duty, God will be satisfied, and you will stand firm in your testimony. … If, in your faith in God and pursuit of the truth, you are able to say, ‘Whatever sickness or disagreeable event God allows to befall me—no matter what God does—I must submit, and stay in my place as a created being. Before all else, I must put this aspect of the truth—submission—into practice, I must implement it, and live out the reality of submission to God. Moreover, I must not cast aside what God has commissioned to me and the duty I should perform. Even on my last breath, I must hold fast to my duty,’ is this not bearing testimony? When you have this kind of resolve and this kind of state, are you still able to complain about God? No, you are not. At such a time, you will think to yourself, ‘God gives me this breath, He has provided for and protected me all these years, He has taken much pain from me, given me much grace, and many truths. I have understood truths and mysteries that people have not understood for generations. I have gained so much from God, so I must repay God! Before, my stature was too small, I understood nothing, and everything I did was hurtful to God. I may not have another chance to repay God in the future. No matter how much time I have left to live, I must offer the little strength I have and do what I can for God, so that God can see that all these years of providing for me have not been in vain, but have borne fruit. Let me bring comfort to God, and no longer hurt or disappoint Him’” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only in the Frequent Reading of God’s Words and Contemplation of the Truth Is There a Way Ahead). Pondering God’s words, I was able to understand His intention. No matter what kind of hardships I encounter, it’s all permitted by God. This illness was God giving me a load to bear that I should accept and submit to, and I should stand witness. I thought of Peter, who sought to satisfy and submit to God. He suffered through illness and lived with deprivation, but he was always able to accept these things and never complained. These things never changed his love for God. I needed to stand in the place of a created being like Peter, and really learn a lesson from this situation. I kept on taking medication while also doing my duty, and I didn’t feel as constrained by my illness. After a few months of gradual recovery, my condition disappeared. I was so grateful to God!

One day in September, I came home from sharing the gospel, and my husband told me in a heavy tone that he’d gone in for a regular checkup the day before, and the doctor told him to come back the next day for an MRI. Hearing my husband say this was really unsettling for me, and I wondered if he had something serious. I was tossing and turning that night and couldn’t get any sleep. I tried consoling myself, thinking it probably wasn’t a big deal. He was also a believer, and I’d been doing a duty away from home, so God should protect him. I went to the hospital with him the next day. Shockingly, it turned out that he had pancreatic cancer. I was absolutely stunned when I heard the news. I’d heard that this kind of cancer was really hard to treat and that if it was not treated in time it could progress very quickly, and also that if it was serious, it could be fatal within a matter of months. I thought of how he seemed full of life, but that he might not have much time left. I felt like the sky was coming crashing down. I thought, “I’ve just barely recovered and now my husband has cancer. Why is this happening?” Whenever I thought about my husband’s cancer, I would just cry and cry. I prayed to God in my pain, asking Him to watch over my heart, and guide me to understand His intention.

I read in God’s words: “In their belief in God, what people seek is to obtain blessings for the future; this is their goal in their faith. All people have this intent and hope, but the corruption in their nature must be resolved through trials and refinement. In whichever aspects you are not purified and reveal corruption, these are the aspects in which you must be refined—this is God’s arrangement. God creates an environment for you, forcing you to be refined there so that you can know your own corruption. Ultimately, you reach a point at which you would rather die in order to give up your schemes and desires and to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangement. Therefore, if people do not have several years of refinement, if they do not endure a certain amount of suffering, they will not be able to rid themselves of the constraints of corruption of the flesh in their thoughts and in their hearts. In whichever aspects people are still subject to the constraints of their satanic nature, and in whichever aspects they still have their own desires and their own demands, these are the aspects in which they should suffer. Only through suffering can lessons be learned, which means being able to gain truth, and understand God’s intentions. In fact, many truths are understood by experiencing painful trials. Nobody can understand God’s intentions, recognize God’s almightiness and wisdom, or appreciate God’s righteous disposition when in a comfortable and easy environment or when circumstances are favorable. That would be impossible!” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). I reflected on myself in light of God’s words. When I was sick before, through the judgment and revelation of God’s words, I’d recognized my wrong perspective of pursuing blessings, and I was ready to submit whether I got better or not. I thought I’d let go of my drive to pursue blessings, but when my husband got cancer, I couldn’t help but blame and misunderstand God. I felt like God should protect us, since we’re believers. I saw how deeply entrenched my desire for blessings was. If God hadn’t revealed me that way, I would have had difficulty in recognizing the intention to gain blessings and extravagant desires rooted deep in my heart, and it would have been even harder for me to be purified and achieve transformation. Then I realized that there was a lesson I needed to learn from my husband’s illness, and I had to stop blaming God.

Calming down, I reflected on why I just couldn’t help but complain and misunderstand God when my husband got cancer. I read in the word of God: “In the eyes of antichrists, and in their thoughts and views, there must be some benefits in following God; they will not bother to move without benefits. If there is no fame, gain, or status that can be enjoyed, if none of the work they do or the duties they perform earn them the admiration of others, then there is no point in believing in God and doing their duties. The first benefits they must gain are the promises and blessings spoken of in the words of God, and they must also enjoy fame, gain, and status within the church. Antichrists think that in believing in God, one must be superior to others, one must be admired, one must be special—at the very least, believers in God must enjoy these things. If they do not, there is some question over whether this God they’re believing in is the true God. Is antichrists’ logic not that they take the words ‘Those who believe in god must enjoy the blessings and grace of god’ as the truth? Have a go at analyzing these words: Are they the truth? (They aren’t.) Now it is clear that these words are not the truth, they are a fallacy, they are the logic of Satan, and they bear no relation to the truth. Has God ever said, ‘If people believe in Me, they will surely be blessed, and will never suffer adversity’? Which line of God’s words talks about this? God has never said words like that or done this. When it comes to blessings and adversities, there is a truth to be sought. What is the wise saying that people should adhere to? Job said, ‘Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive adversity?’ (Job 2:10). Are these words the truth? These are the words of a man; they cannot be elevated to the heights of the truth, though they do conform to the truth in some way. In what way do they conform to the truth? Whether people are blessed or suffer adversity is all in the hands of God, it is all under the sovereignty of God. This is the truth. Do antichrists believe this? No, they don’t. They don’t acknowledge this. Why do they not believe or acknowledge this? (Their belief in God is in order to be blessed—they only want to be blessed.) (Because they are too selfish, and only pursue the interests of the flesh.) In their belief, antichrists only wish to be blessed, and they do not want to suffer adversity. When they see someone who is blessed, who has benefited, who has been graced, and who has received more material enjoyments, great advantages, they believe that this is done by God; and if they do not receive such material blessings, then this is not the action of God. The implication is, ‘If you really are god, then you can only bless people; you should avert people’s adversity and not allow them to meet with suffering. Only then is there a value and a point to people believing in you. If, after following you, people are still beset by adversity, if they still suffer, then what is the point of believing in you?’ They do not admit that all things and events are in the hands of God, that God holds sovereignty over all. And why don’t they admit this? Because antichrists are afraid of suffering adversity. They want only to benefit, to take advantage, to enjoy blessings; they wish not to accept God’s sovereignty or orchestration, but only to receive benefits from God. This is the selfish and despicable point of view of antichrists” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Ten: They Despise the Truth, Brazenly Flout Principles, and Ignore the Arrangements of God’s House (Part Six)). “All corrupt humans live for themselves. Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost—this is the summation of human nature. People believe in God for their own sake; when they forsake things and expend themselves for God, it is in order to be blessed, and when they are loyal to Him, it is in order to be rewarded. In sum, it is all done for the purpose of being blessed, rewarded, and entering the kingdom of heaven. In society, people work for their own benefit, and in the house of God, they perform a duty in order to be blessed. It is for the sake of gaining blessings that people forsake everything and can withstand much suffering: There is no better evidence of man’s satanic nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words reveal antichrists’ perspective on blessings and misfortune. They’re going after blessings in their faith, and think that they should be blessed because of their faith. If that doesn’t happen, they think having faith is meaningless, and they may even betray God and leave Him at any moment. I saw that I had the same outlook on faith. I thought that since I’d made all those sacrifices, God should bless me and my family with safety, free from illness and calamity. So whether it was my husband or myself getting sick, I misunderstood and blamed God. I even made unreasonable demands of Him, wanting Him to heal my virus and my husband’s cancer. As soon as God didn’t satisfy my desires, I no longer wanted to expend myself for my duty. My perspective on faith had been so absurd! The truth is that God’s never said that bad things won’t happen to believers. He rules over everything. Birth, death, sickness and health are all in His hands, people not only receive blessings from God, but also misfortune, and believers are no exception. Doing a duty is the most proper and natural thing a created being should do and has nothing to do with being blessed or not. But I was so deeply corrupted by Satan that things like “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost” and “Never lift a finger without a reward” were satanic poisons that I lived by. I was just constantly thinking of my own interests, seeing God as something for me to use. I wanted to use my suffering, sacrifices, and hard work to cheat God out of blessings. When God did something that compromised my personal interests, I was full of complaints and misunderstanding toward Him, and even reasoned with Him and opposed Him. What kind of believer was I? I was so selfish and despicable! I thought of Paul, he suffered a lot for the Lord, too, but he didn’t pursue the truth or knowledge of God at all. He used his sacrifices, contributions, and hard work just to exchange these things for rewards and a crown. He said, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: From now on there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness” (2 Timothy 4:7–8). What he really meant by that was that if God didn’t crown and reward him, then God wasn’t righteous. He wanted to use his own efforts and suffering as capital to pressure God, to resist God. God eventually punished him. I felt really scared when I realized this. I saw I hadn’t been focused on pursuing the truth in my faith, but just on pursuing grace and blessings. I was on a path against God. I’d never gain the truth that way, and my corrupt disposition wouldn’t change. I’d just end up being eliminated! There was another passage of God’s word that I read later: “You may think that believing in God is about suffering, or doing all manner of things for Him; you might think that the purpose of believing in God is so that your flesh may be at peace, or so that everything in your life runs smoothly, or so that you may be comfortable and at ease in all things. However, none of these are purposes that people should attach to their belief in God. If you believe for these purposes, then your perspective is incorrect, and it is simply impossible for you to be perfected. God’s actions, God’s righteous disposition, His wisdom, His words, and His wondrousness and unfathomableness are all things people ought to understand. Having this understanding, you should use it to rid your heart of all personal demands, hopes, and notions. Only by eliminating these things can you meet the conditions demanded by God, and it is only by doing this that you can have life and satisfy God. The purpose of believing in God is to satisfy Him and to live out the disposition He requires, so that His actions and glory may be manifested through this group of unworthy people. This is the correct perspective for believing in God, and this is also the goal that you should seek” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement). God’s words showed me what I should be pursuing. I shouldn’t be going after blessings or any kind of benefit in my faith, rather, I should be seeking to know and satisfy God, to be like Job without any requests or demands of God. Job believed that everything he had was given by God, so whether God gave or took away, whether he had blessings or misfortune, he submitted to God unconditionally and praised His righteousness. So when Satan tempted Job, when all his possessions had been stolen, his children had died, and he had broken out in boils all over, he never complained about God, and kept praising His name. No matter what God did, Job stood in the place of a created being, submitted to God and worshiped Him. Job’s faith was praised by God. This understanding gave me a path of practice. Whether my husband got better or not, I had to submit to God and fulfill my duty.

I read this in God’s words later: “God has already fully planned the genesis, advent, lifespan, outcome of all the created beings, as well as their life’s mission and the role they play in all mankind. No one can change these things; this is the authority of the Creator. The advent of every created being, their life’s mission, when their lifespan will end—all of these laws have been ordained by God long ago, just as God ordained the orbit of every celestial body; which orbit these celestial bodies follow, for how many years, how they orbit, what laws they follow—this was all ordained by God long ago, unchanged for thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, of years. This is ordained by God, and this is His authority” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). I saw from God’s words that our destiny, lifespan, and outcome are all in the hands of the Lord of Creation. Our birth, death, sickness, and health are all ordained by God’s rule. God ordains when we die, and none of us can escape that. But if the time that God decided for us has not yet come, even if we do get cancer, we still won’t die. This is God’s authority, and no one can change that. Understanding that helped me relax a bit. I knew my husband’s health was in God’s hands, and all I could do was submit to what God arranged and fulfill my own duty.

My husband went on to get chemotherapy for a while at the hospital, and surprisingly, those cancer cells in his blood were gone. All indicators were normal. Half the tumor was gone, too. The doctor said it was very rare to see a case like his. Our son said that his colleague’s dad had gotten the same cancer. He got chemo once and couldn’t take it, then died after a few months. I was so grateful to God when my husband got better so quickly. What made me happiest was that my husband had always been a believer in name only, and had always gone after money, but after his cancer, he gained some understanding of God’s almighty sovereignty, and then he spread the gospel and testified God’s deeds among friends and relatives.

Though going through this was painful for me, I gained some understanding about my desire for blessings and my incorrect views on pursuit, and I corrected the goals of my pursuit in faith. These are all lessons that I learned through this experience. I saw that God’s work of saving mankind is so practical!