By Christine, the Philippines

In August 2021 I started training in the watering of new believers. Because I didn’t have very standard English pronunciation, I was afraid that when I fellowshiped with them they would look down on me, so normally I would only communicate with them through typed messages. However, continuing this way impacted the progress of watering. During a gathering, a sister shared that her English wasn’t great, but she wanted to be able to verbally fellowship with newcomers and address their various notions and difficulties in a timely manner, so she used translation software as an aid. That way she could fellowship with them in speech as much as possible. I felt ashamed when I compared that with my own attitude toward my duty. Although she couldn’t speak English well, she was still able to find a way to communicate orally with newcomers. My only problem was that I didn’t have standard pronunciation. I was fine in day-to-day conversation, but I was afraid newcomers would say my English was bad and therefore I wasn’t willing to communicate orally with them. This had a direct impact on the outcome of my watering. There were more and more new believers accepting God’s work of the last days, so we needed to step up our watering work and help them establish a foundation on the true way as soon as possible. But I was just considering my own reputation and status, not how to water newcomers promptly. I didn’t remotely consider God’s intentions! So I said a prayer, ready to lean on God and try communicating orally with newcomers. I started practicing my spoken English after that, starting out with newcomers that I already knew. After a little while, I didn’t feel so afraid of having spoken conversations. I remember once I was having a conversation with a new believer, and not only could I express myself fluently, but his issue was resolved. It’s hard to believe—I never would have thought that one single verbal discussion could be more effective than several days of messaging.

As more and more new members joined the church, the leader had Sister Mavis and I partner up to take charge of the watering work. When I heard about this arrangement I was really surprised. I had just started practicing watering newcomers, there were still a lot of truths about God’s work that I didn’t understand, and my level of English was average. How could I take on that kind of responsibility? Mavis had been watering newcomers longer than me, so she had more experience in every way. She also spoke English pretty well. If I paired up with her, considering my actual capabilities, wouldn’t the truth be exposed the moment I opened my mouth? She might say that my fellowship on the truth wasn’t clear, that I wasn’t a good fit for that duty. Just as I was fretting over that, Mavis came to discuss the work with me and asked me how my English was. Without a second thought, I said, “My English isn’t any good. I can understand it, but I can’t speak very well. My written communication is okay.” She responded, “Then you can be responsible for arranging gathering times with new believers, and I’ll be responsible for fellowshiping with them. We can work together.” After hearing Mavis say this, I thought that saying I couldn’t speak English very well was a great excuse, and that in gatherings I wouldn’t have to say anything. As long as I kept quiet, my faults and shortcomings would never become apparent. Then when Mavis was watering newcomers, I could be there listening and learning, and after a while, once I got a handle on things, I could communicate verbally with them. This way they wouldn’t see through me.

The first time Mavis and I watered newcomers together, I noticed that she was interacting with them in fluent English, but besides “Hello!” I didn’t dare say anything else. We had agreed that when the gathering was over, I’d talk to the new believers to get a sense of their issues and struggles to resolve them as soon as possible, but I was feeling reluctant. In their first interaction with Mavis, they’d seen how good her English was and that she could clearly fellowship on the truth. If they spoke to me after that and heard me stumbling over my words, they’d realize what a stark difference it was. What would they think of me then? I thought about it over and over again, and decided to keep on typing messages. After that, aside from engaging orally with the few newcomers that I was quite familiar with, I interacted with the other newcomers through typed messages. However, that was a slower way to communicate. Quite often I would send a newcomer a message and they wouldn’t be online, and then when they did respond, I didn’t notice. Some issues that could be resolved orally within just a few minutes, were not necessarily solved in even a couple of days through typed messages. It wasn’t until we reviewed the work we’d done that I saw that nearly half of the new believers I was responsible for weren’t attending gatherings normally. I was stunned. How could that be happening? Mavis asked me, “Why are you always messaging new believers? Why don’t you ever speak with them directly?” I hemmed and hawed, not wanting to tell her. I knew if I had spoken with them directly to resolve their problems and difficulties, some of them would have started attending gatherings normally. But I was afraid of showing my weaknesses and was relying on messaging, which was what led to this consequence.

That night I was tossing and turning, and I couldn’t sleep. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. If new believers’ confusions and various notions weren’t resolved right away, they could pull back at any time. That was a serious dereliction of duty! Why did I insist on messaging about something that could be resolved with three minutes of conversation? It wasn’t that I couldn’t speak English. I’d been able to communicate orally not long ago, so why wasn’t I doing that anymore? Thinking about how some newcomers weren’t attending gatherings normally because I hadn’t watered them properly made me want to kick myself. I was so upset that I prayed to God, asking Him to guide me in understanding myself. Then, I read this passage in God’s words: “People themselves are created beings. Can created beings achieve omnipotence? Can they achieve perfection and flawlessness? Can they achieve proficiency in everything, come to understand everything, see through everything, and be capable of everything? They cannot. However, within humans, there are corrupt dispositions, and a fatal weakness: As soon as they learn a skill or profession, people feel that they are capable, that they are people with status and worth, and that they are professionals. No matter how unexceptional they are, they all want to package themselves as some famous or exceptional individual, to turn themselves into some minor celebrity, and make people think they are perfect and flawless, without a single defect; in the eyes of others, they wish to become famous, powerful, or some great figure, and they want to become mighty, capable of anything, with nothing they cannot do. They feel that if they sought others’ help, they would appear incapable, weak, and inferior, and that people would look down on them. For this reason, they always want to keep up a front. Some people, when asked to do something, say they know how to do it, when they actually do not. Afterward, in secret, they look it up and try to learn how to do it, but after studying it for several days, they still do not understand how to do it. When asked how they are getting on with it, they say, ‘Soon, soon!’ But in their hearts, they’re thinking, ‘I’m not there yet, I have no idea, I don’t know what to do! I must not let the cat out of the bag, I must continue putting on a front, I can’t let people see my shortcomings and ignorance, I can’t let them look down on me!’ What problem is this? This is a living hell of trying to save face at all costs. What kind of disposition is this? Such people’s arrogance knows no bounds, they have lost all reason. They do not wish to be like everyone else, they don’t want to be ordinary people, normal people, but superhumans, exceptional individuals, or hotshots. This is such a huge problem! With regard to the weaknesses, shortcomings, ignorance, foolishness, and lack of understanding within normal humanity, they will wrap it all up, and not let other people see it, and then keep on disguising themselves. … Do such people not live with their heads in the clouds? Are they not dreaming? They do not know who they themselves are, nor do they know how to live out normal humanity. They have never once acted like practical human beings. If you pass your days with your head in the clouds, muddling through, not doing anything with your feet on the ground, always living by your own imagination, then this is trouble. The path in life you choose is not right” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). Thinking over God’s words, I could see that I’d been putting on an act and disguising myself. I was afraid the new believers would look down on me because my spoken English wasn’t great, so I didn’t dare engage in conversation with them. After Mavis and I started working together, I saw that her English was really good and her fellowship on the truth was clearer than mine. I was worried that my brothers and sisters would see me as disappointing in comparison, and scared that Mavis would see through me, so I put on even more of an act. When Mavis asked me how my English was, I intentionally said it was no good, finding an excuse to not have to fellowship verbally. Whenever the two of us were doing watering together I wouldn’t speak up. I wasn’t fulfilling my own duty. When I was watering newcomers, I messaged them instead of having direct conversations, which meant that a lot of newcomers’ issues weren’t resolved as soon as they should have been, so their negativity remained and they didn’t attend gatherings. I was holding up our work. I was always disguising myself, afraid that my weaknesses would be revealed. I wanted to learn things behind the scenes and then come back and amaze everyone. How arrogant of me! I couldn’t properly face my defects and shortcomings, but wanted to appear to be outstanding and different from everyone else. It’s just like something that God revealed: “They do not wish to be like everyone else, they don’t want to be ordinary people, normal people, but superhumans, exceptional individuals, or hotshots. This is such a huge problem!” My English-speaking skills weren’t great, and I didn’t have much experience in watering work. The church arranged for me to water foreign newcomers and this gave me a great chance to practice which I should have cherished. But instead of doing my duty well, I always wanted to cover up my flaws and act like I could do anything so that others would look up to me and admire me. I didn’t have any reason or self-awareness at all. I knew I had to stop putting on an act and disguising myself. No matter what others thought, I had to let go of my vanity, to carry out my duty and my responsibilities. That was what I had to put into practice.

I read a couple more passages of God’s words that gave me a path of practice. Almighty God says: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “In the presence of God, no matter how you disguise yourself, how you conceal yourself, or what you fabricate for yourself, God has a clear grasp of all your truest thoughts and the things hidden in your deepest, innermost parts; there is not one person whose hidden, inner things can escape God’s scrutiny” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). Pondering God’s words, I realized that the first step to resolving my corrupt disposition was learning to open up, stop putting on an act and pretending, and to bring my inadequacies, faults, and corruption I revealed to light. I had to be a simple and honest person before my brothers and sisters and before God. Then I’d be able to relax and be free in my duty. Understanding this gave me the confidence and courage to put the truth into practice, and so I sought out the leader and Mavis, and told them openly about my state and understanding. They didn’t look down on me, but patiently fellowshiped with me on their own experiences to help me to understand my issue. When I watered newcomers after that, I was no longer constrained by my vanity. I started focusing on my verbal communication with them so I could help resolve their confusions more quickly. When I found a word that I didn’t know or couldn’t pronounce, I’d grab a dictionary or use translation software. Over time, my spoken English improved. I felt that by openly fellowshiping with my brothers and sisters and not disguising myself or being fake, I could learn about my corruption and faults and quickly turn around my bad state. Just as God says: “Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). I thought that after going through all this I had become able to open up and change. However, afterward I was exposed by another situation again.

One time, a few new believers wanted to share the gospel with some family members and friends, so the team leader and I explained the principles of doing so to them. I’d just finished introducing myself when one of the new believers said that she couldn’t understand what I was saying. The team leader hurriedly helped to explain, saying my English pronunciation wasn’t good, and then began speaking with the newcomers. I felt like an outsider as I listened to them conversing fluently—I could feel my face growing red. It was really embarrassing. Originally, I wanted the team leader to have the chance to learn from me and get some practice, but I couldn’t even introduce myself properly—what would the team leader and those newcomers think of me? Would they think my English was terrible so I must be incompetent in work as well? Who would listen to me after that when I was following up on things? These thoughts left me with an indescribable feeling of failure, and I felt really despondent. At that time, the church leader was also a member of the group. I was afraid she’d come online, see what was happening, think that my English was poor and that I couldn’t get the work done, and then dismiss me. I didn’t want them to figure me out, so I started hiding my shortcomings again, communicating via typed messages instead of orally, and turning the group discussion into one-on-one private chats. After some time, I started feeling really exhausted. I was afraid everyone would find out how bad my pronunciation was and look down on me. I lived every day in that state and didn’t have any time or energy to think about how to do my duty well. I felt more and more darkness in my heart and couldn’t feel God’s guidance at all. I didn’t have any direction in my duty, either. I knew I was in a dangerous state, but I couldn’t get over it. So, I said a prayer in my heart, asking God to guide me out of it.

One day I watched a testimonial video called Behind the Pretense, and some of God’s words that appeared in it left a deep impression on me. Almighty God says: “What kind of disposition is it when people always put up a front, always whitewash themselves, always put on airs so that others think highly of them, and cannot see their faults or shortcomings, when they always try to present their best side to people? This is arrogance, fakery, hypocrisy, it is the disposition of Satan, it is something wicked. Take members of the satanic regime: No matter how much they fight, feud, or kill in the dark, no one is allowed to report or expose them. They are afraid that people will see their demonic face, and they do everything they can to cover it up. In public, they do their utmost to whitewash themselves, saying how much they love the people, how great, glorious and infallible they are. This is the nature of Satan. The most prominent feature of Satan’s nature is trickery and deception. And what is the aim of this trickery and deception? To hoodwink people, to stop them from seeing its essence and true colors, and thus achieve the aim of prolonging its rule. Ordinary people may lack such power and status, but they, too, wish to make others hold a favorable view of them, and for people to have a high estimation of them, and elevate them to a high status in their hearts. This is a corrupt disposition, and if people do not understand the truth, they are incapable of recognizing this. … Making mistakes or disguising oneself: which of these relates to disposition? Disguising is a matter of disposition, it involves an arrogant disposition, wickedness, and deceitfulness; it is especially loathed by God. … If you do not try to put on a pretense or justify yourself, if you can admit your mistakes, everyone will say you are honest and wise. And what makes you wise? Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has faults and flaws. And actually, everyone has the same corrupt disposition. Do not think yourself more noble, perfect, and kind than others; that is being utterly unreasonable. Once people’s corrupt dispositions and the essence and true face of their corruption are clear to you, you will not try to cover up your own mistakes, nor will you hold other people’s mistakes against them—you will be able to face both correctly. Only then will you become insightful and not do foolish things, which will make you wise. Those who are not wise are foolish people, and they always dwell on their minor mistakes while sneaking around behind the scenes. It is disgusting to witness. In fact, what you are doing is immediately obvious to other people, yet you are still blatantly putting on a show. To others, it has the appearance of a clownish performance. Is this not foolish? It really is. Foolish people do not have any wisdom. No matter how many sermons they hear, they still do not understand the truth or see anything for what it really is. They never get off their high horse, thinking they are different from everyone else and more respectable; this is arrogance and self-righteousness, this is foolishness. Fools do not have spiritual understanding, do they? The matters in which you are foolish and unwise are the matters in which you have no spiritual understanding, and cannot easily understand the truth. This is the reality of the matter” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). I gave some thought to God’s words—this was a real jolt for me. Putting up a front and making a mistake are different in nature. My English wasn’t good, so when I made a mistake, I could learn and practice. But I always disguised myself so that others couldn’t see my real self. Hidden behind that were my corrupt dispositions of arrogance, deceitfulness, and evil. That’s disgusting and odious to God. I was still practicing how to do that duty, so errors, oversights, and expressions of corruption were unavoidable. Those weren’t things to feel embarrassed about, and could be resolved by seeking the truth. But ever since I’d taken on the responsibility of watering work, I’d put myself in the position of someone in charge, thinking I had to be better than a regular person, otherwise the newcomers would look down on me. When that new believer said she couldn’t understand what I was saying, I felt like my inadequacies had been exposed and my image damaged, and that the new believers would look down on me and wouldn’t listen to me. I was even more concerned that the leader would see what I was lacking and think I was not up to the job, and then dismiss me. I thought of a way to conceal my faults to protect my status and image, even going so far as to hold up the church’s work. I replaced verbal communication with written exchanges, and used private chats in place of group meetings for discussing the work, which delayed our watering work. I was in a state of defensiveness and growing more and more distant from God. It was all very deceitful of me! Reading the part in God’s words judging and exposing a satanic nature made me tremble. God says that the most prominent aspect of a satanic nature is trickery and deception, that that’s particularly evil. The great red dragon is especially good at putting up a false front and at deception. It’s always talking up its “great, glorious, and correct” image to get people to worship and follow it, all in an effort to secure its dictatorship. It does everything to conceal all the evil things it does behind the scenes, thus misleading and deceiving the people of the world. Reflecting on my behavior, I saw that I was putting up a false front so that others would have a positive image of me and only see my good side. I was showing a deceitful and evil disposition! Wasn’t this disposition the same as that of the great red dragon? What’s the good of winning others’ respect and admiration through deception and putting up a front? By hiding my shortcomings and inadequacies, by playing tricks to cheat God and other people, I not only didn’t make any progress, but also delayed the work of watering newcomers. Wasn’t that foolish? A lot of new believers were reading God’s words and learning about His intention to save mankind. They could see disasters growing and the pandemic getting worse and worse, and they knew that accepting God’s work of the last days is the only path of survival for people. They were willing to share the gospel with their friends and family, to bring them before God so they can gain God’s salvation. But I wasn’t remotely concerned about their life entry. To maintain my own worthless vanity, I wasn’t promptly addressing brothers’ and sisters’ questions about sharing the gospel. That delayed so many people from investigating the true way and turning toward God. Didn’t that make me an obstacle, a stumbling block to the work of the gospel? As I reflected on this, I realized that I’d been living by my corrupt disposition, and though I appeared to be doing my duty, I was actually resisting God, holding up the work of the church, and doing harm to the brothers and sisters. I hated myself and was nauseated with myself from the bottom of my heart. I felt that I owed God so much and I’d let down my brothers and sisters, as well. I prayed to God that I was ready to repent, and that I wanted to steadfastly pursue the truth and do my duty.

One time in my spiritual devotionals I read this passage of God’s words: “You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light. Learning how to be open when you fellowship is the first step to life entry. Next, you need to learn to dissect your thoughts and actions to see which are wrong and which God does not like, and you need to reverse them immediately and rectify them. What is the purpose of rectifying them? It is to accept and take on board the truth, while getting rid of the things within you that belong to Satan and replacing them with the truth. Before, you did everything according to your deceitful disposition which is lying and deceptive; you felt that you could get nothing done without lying. Now that you understand the truth, and loathe Satan’s ways of doing things, you no longer act that way, you act with a mentality of honesty, purity, and submission. If you hold nothing back, if you do not put on a front, a pretense, or cover things up, if you lay yourself bare to the brothers and sisters, do not hide your innermost ideas and thoughts, but instead allow others to see your honest attitude, then the truth will gradually take root in you, it will blossom and bear fruit, it will yield results, little-by-little. If your heart is increasingly honest, and increasingly oriented toward God, and if you know to protect the interests of God’s house when you perform your duty, and your conscience is troubled when you fail to protect these interests, then this is proof that the truth has had an effect in you, and has become your life” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words gave me a specific path of practice. I had to do my duty with a pure, honest heart, and no matter how great or small my stature was, or what defects and shortcomings I had, I couldn’t put on an act. I had to show my true self to everyone, and to open up about myself even if I made a mistake. Living this way wouldn’t be tiring, and God approves of it. In fact, my problems and shortcomings wouldn’t go away just because I tried to hide them, so I should face them calmly, acknowledge what I lacked, and be an honest person. If I didn’t understand something, I had to ask questions and learn more so that I could gradually improve in my work. Additionally, the leader arranging for me to be in charge should be a responsibility I accept from God, not a status. I needed to let go of the identity of someone in charge and put my duty first. No matter what other people thought or said, I had to correct my motives, know my own place, and do the duty of a created being.

From then on, I would let go of my pride and actively seek out newcomers for verbal communication to help take care of the difficulties and issues they were having in their duties. I also practiced my English conversational skills more and worked on my pronunciation, and when I ran into things I didn’t understand, I’d ask other brothers and sisters and learn from their strengths. Once, when I was participating in an online gathering with a few new believers, just as we were beginning to greet each other, I found myself stuck on one of their names. The new believer corrected my pronunciation repeatedly. I was feeling kind of embarrassed, and wondering why she was taking it so seriously. It’s fine just to correct it once, with all those people listening! Then I remembered something God says: “You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). I thought to myself, “It’s true—when I’m wrong, I’m wrong. Why do I always have to hide it? Instead of keeping my mind on my duty, I am keeping it on my vanity, and there is no way to do my duty well carrying that kind of burden.” So, I calmed myself and said a prayer, asking God to guide me to let go of my pride and stay focused on my duty. After praying, I didn’t feel embarrassed anymore, and I didn’t feel so constrained by my non-standard pronunciation. I asked the newcomer to help me correct my pronunciation. A while later, a sister who had been partnered with me before said, “What do you normally do to practice your English? You communicate really smoothly with the new believers. You’ve made so much progress in the months since we last saw each other!” Hearing this really touched me, and I knew it was entirely God’s guidance and grace. The more I have these kinds of experiences, the more I feel that opening up about my true state, not disguising or covering up myself, and steadfastly doing my duty is a practice that puts my heart at peace. Thanks be to God!