By Ella, the Philippines

In October of 2020, I accepted the work of Almighty God in the last days. I actively attended gatherings and fellowshipped on my understanding of God’s words, and two months later, I became the leader of a gathering group. I remember that the first time I hosted a gathering, I was both excited and nervous. I was excited to do my duty, but I was nervous because I was afraid that if I didn’t host well, my brothers and sisters might look down on me. I thought the way our church leader hosted gatherings was very good, so if I did it her way, I was sure I could host the gathering well. Then, the church leader would praise me, and my brothers and sisters would look up to me. So, I hosted the gathering by imitating our church leader. When I asked my brothers and sisters questions, they interacted with me, and when I fellowshipped, they said “Amen” in agreement. After the gathering, the church leader said that I’d hosted well. I felt very happy and proud when I heard the leader’s praise. Not long after, I was chosen as watering deacon. I was very excited, and I thought that it might be because I had a good caliber that I was chosen for the position. At first, I didn’t know how to do the work, but I didn’t want my brothers and sisters to be disappointed in me. So, at each gathering, I focused on finding the crucial elements discussed in God’s words. That way, my fellowship would be clear and cover the key points, and my brothers and sisters would think I had a good understanding and admire me. But, after I fellowshipped, when I listened to others’ fellowship, I noticed that what I had communicated hadn’t been so clear. I was very worried and thought, “Nobody will think I fellowship well, and everyone’s attention will be on those who fellowship better than me.” I feared that my brothers and sisters would look down on me, so I always tried to fellowship better. But I couldn’t calm myself enough to contemplate God’s words. The more I wanted to fellowship well, the worse my fellowship became. I thought, “What will my brothers and sisters think of me? Will the church leader be disappointed in me? Why isn’t my fellowship as clear as others’? Why do they fellowship so well but I don’t?” I was unwilling to admit defeat and thought I should work harder to surpass others.

A few months later, because of the church’s work requirements, I was sent to preach the gospel. Once I got there, I asked who the group leaders were and who the church leader was. I thought, as long as I did my best, I could earn the church leader’s approval and possibly be made a group leader. That way, my brothers and sisters would look up to me. When sharing the gospel, I often prayed to and relied on God when there were things I didn’t understand or couldn’t do. After a while, I got some good results in performing my duty, and this made me very happy. But I also felt guilty because I knew I had the wrong mindset. I was working hard only because I wanted others to look up to me, not because I wanted to do my duty well. God was scrutinizing my mind, and He certainly hated my pursuit. I came before God and prayed; I was willing to rebel against my mistaken intent. After I prayed, I felt a little better. However, I still often could not help but try to make others look up to me. When I saw others getting good results from doing their duties, I wanted to surpass them. I knew it was wrong to think this way, but I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t calm myself enough to do my duty. My state grew worse and worse, and I became ineffective in doing my duty. So I prayed to God, asking Him to help and guide me in knowing myself.

One day, I saw a passage of God’s words in an experiential testimony video that gave me a little knowledge of myself. Almighty God says: “Antichrists reluctantly do their duty in order to obtain blessings. They also inquire whether they will be able to put themselves on display and be looked up to by doing this duty, and whether the Above or God will know if they do this duty. These are all things they consider when they do a duty. The first thing they want to determine is what benefits they can get by doing a duty and whether they can be blessed. This is the most important thing to them. They never think about how to be considerate of God’s intentions and repay God’s love, how to preach the gospel and testify to God so that people gain God’s salvation and obtain happiness, much less do they ever seek to understand the truth, or seek how to resolve their corrupt dispositions and live out a human likeness. They never consider these things. They only think about whether they can be blessed and gain benefits, how to gain a foothold, how to gain status, how to make people look up to them, and how to distinguish themselves and become the best in the church and in the crowd. They are absolutely not willing to be ordinary followers. They always want to be the first in the church, have the final say, become leaders, and make everyone listen to them. Only then can they be satisfied. You can see that antichrists’ hearts are full of these things. Do they genuinely expend for God? Do they genuinely do their duty as created beings? (No.) Then what do they want to do? (To hold power.) That’s right. They say, ‘As for me, in the secular world I want to outdo everyone else. I have to be the first in any group. I refuse to come in second, and I will never be a sidekick. I want to be a leader and have the final say in any group of people I’m in. If I don’t have the final say, then I will try all the means possible to convince you all, to make you all look up to me, and to make you choose me as the leader. Once I have status, I will have the final say, everyone will have to listen to me. You will have to do things my way, and you will have to be under my control.’ No matter what duty the antichrists do, they will try to put themselves in a high position, in a position of primacy. They could never be content with their place as an ordinary follower. And what are they most passionate about? It is standing in front of people giving orders and telling people off, making people do as they say. They never think about how to do their duty properly—much less, while doing their duty, do they seek the truth principles in order to practice the truth and satisfy God. Instead, they rack their brains for ways to distinguish themselves, to make the leaders think highly of them and promote them, so that they themselves can become a leader or worker, and can lead other people. This is what they spend all day thinking about and hoping for. Antichrists are not willing to be led by others, nor are they willing to be an ordinary follower, much less to go quietly about doing their duty without fanfare. Whatever their duty, if they cannot be front and center, if they cannot be above others and lead other people, they find doing their duty boring, and become negative and start slacking. Without the praise or worship of others, it is even less interesting to them, and they have even less desire to do their duty. But if they can be front and center while doing their duty and get to have the final say, they feel fortified, and will suffer any hardship. They always have personal intentions in the performance of their duty, and they always want to distinguish themselves as a means to satisfy their need to beat other people, and satisfy their desires and ambitions” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Seven)). After reading God’s words, I immediately thought about all I had done. I felt like all of my thoughts and actions had been exposed to the light. God’s words revealed that antichrists never think about how to pursue the truth to do their duty well. Instead, they pursue high status and want to lead others. They don’t allow others to rise above them, and they walk the path of resisting God. I thought back on how all of my various behaviors were the same as those of antichrists: As soon as I started to do my duty, I wanted everyone else to look up to me. I imitated the church leader when I hosted gatherings. I put a lot of effort into contemplating God’s words during gatherings, hoping to fellowship clearly and in an organized way. My intention was not to achieve good results from the gatherings, but to show everyone that I fellowshipped in a good and clear way. It was to receive the praise of my brothers and sisters. After going to spread the gospel, I didn’t think about how to fulfill my duty to satisfy God. Instead, I first asked who the group leaders and the church leader were, hoping I would be selected as group leader through my efforts. I did my utmost to show off in front of my brothers and sisters and compared myself with them. When I saw others attaining good results from doing their duty, I was jealous, and I always wanted to surpass them and be the best. Everything I did was for the sake of my reputation and status, and it was all in an attempt to satisfy my competitive desire. How could God not hate my pursuit? A duty is a commission from God, and it is an obligation and responsibility we should fulfill, but I treated it like my own career. I used my duty to pursue status and achieve my goal of making people look up to me. How could harboring this improper intent in performing my duty accord with God’s intention? I hated myself for being so corrupt. I didn’t want to live like this anymore. I wanted to change as soon as possible.

A few days later, I was transferred to another group to spread the gospel. When I first started, I only wanted to focus on gospel work and do my duty well. I noticed that the brothers and sisters there performed their duties very well. When preaching the gospel, they fellowshipped on the truth of God’s work very clearly, and many of those who heard the gospel were willing to seek and investigate it. When I thought about how my own preaching was ineffective and my fellowshipping on the truth unclear, I felt I was very disappointing. At that time, my arrogance gradually dissipated. I didn’t dare think so highly of myself anymore, and I didn’t want to try to make others look up to me. At first, I thought I had achieved some change, but when I saw my brothers and sisters receive praise for performing their duties well, I didn’t want to be left in the background. When spreading the gospel, I frantically invited people to listen to sermons, but I didn’t try to find out if they truly believed in God or if they met the requirements for evangelism. As a result, I invited some disbelievers to sermons, and before long, they left the gathering group. I was very sad and thought, “Why is it like this? I did my duty ineffectively. What will my brothers and sisters think of me? Will they think I’m worse than them?” In those days, I felt very negative, and I wanted to cry during gatherings, but I always remembered a passage of God’s words: “Are your goals and intentions made with Me in mind? Are all your words and actions said and done in My presence? I examine all of your thoughts and ideas. Do you not feel guilty?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 13). God’s words reminded me that I should further reflect and examine whether I had an incorrect intent in doing my duty. Through reflection, I realized my old problem had returned: I wanted to gain people’s attention and high regard by doing my duty well. When I realized this, I was very distraught. Why was my desire for status so strong and my corruption so deep? Even worse, I was numb to it. I didn’t even realize my improper state.

One time, when I was discussing my state with a sister, she sent me a passage of God’s words. I finally gained some knowledge of myself after I read it. God’s words say: “Some people particularly idolize Paul. They like to go out and give speeches and do work, they like to attend gatherings and preach, and they like to have people listen to them, worship them, and revolve around them. They like to hold a place in the hearts of others, and they appreciate it when others value the image they present. Let us dissect their nature from these behaviors. What is their nature? If they really behave like this, then it is sufficient in showing that they are arrogant and conceited. They do not worship God at all; they seek higher status and wish to have authority over others, to possess them, and to hold a position in their hearts. This is the classic image of Satan. The aspects of their nature that stand out are arrogance and conceit, an unwillingness to worship God, and a desire to be worshiped by others. Such behaviors can give you a very clear view into their nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Know Man’s Nature). After reading God’s words, I started to reflect on myself. God says Paul liked people worshiping him and revolving around him, that he liked to have status in the minds of others, and that he appreciated it when others value the image he presented. I also wanted my brothers and sisters to look up to me. At gatherings, I wanted to fellowship better than others. In doing my duty, when I saw others achieve better results from their work than me, my competitive nature emerged. I wanted to do better than them and surpass them. All I said and did was full of ambition and desire, and my disposition was too arrogant. My intent and behavior was the same as Paul’s. Paul’s nature was proud and arrogant. He didn’t worship God, he showed off and testified about himself everywhere, he tried to make others look up to him and worship him, and he wanted to have a place in other people’s minds. I was the same. No matter what duty I performed, all I did was for fame and status, not to fulfill my duty to satisfy God. In my pursuit, I was resisting God and would be condemned by Him. This is because the pursuit of status is not just meant to gain a standing or title; it is meant to gain a place in people’s minds and make others worship you. Just as God says: “This is the classic image of Satan.” It is really too frightening! To win the admiration of others, I pursued quick success in doing my duty, and preached the gospel without principle, which let some disbelievers into the gathering group and wasted the time and energy of the gospel workers. If these people had then entered into the church, the situation would have been much worse, and they could have disturbed church work. The nature of this problem was extremely serious! If I didn’t repent and change, God would certainly detest me, so I didn’t want to pursue status and the admiration of others anymore.

At the next gatherings, I listened carefully to the fellowship of my brothers and sisters and saw that everyone was diligently doing their duty. There was one sister whose experience was especially moving for me. She fellowshipped how she relied on God to overcome difficulties in performing her duties and how she spread the gospel. After hearing this, I asked myself, “Do I treat my duty seriously? Am I practicing according to God’s words? Everyone else has real experience and testimony of practicing the truth in different environments. Why don’t I? Why isn’t my intent to perform my duty well?” I felt very guilty. I didn’t perform my duty conscientiously. Instead of working properly, I wholeheartedly pursued people’s admiration. I really didn’t deserve to be given any duties. During that time, I seriously reflected on myself, and I remembered Peter’s experience. Peter never showed off or sought the admiration of others. He focused on seeking the truth in everything, reflecting on and understanding his own corruption, and trying to change his life disposition. He walked a successful path of belief in God. I also wanted to pursue dispositional change, so I often prayed to God, asking Him to guide me in knowing myself. Whenever I wanted to pursue people’s admiration when doing my duty, I would consciously rebel against my wrong intent. I wanted to escape my corrupt disposition as soon as possible and perform my duty well.

One day, I read a passage of God’s words and found a path of practice. God’s words say: “If God made you foolish, then there is meaning in your foolishness; if He made you bright, then there is meaning in your brightness. Whatever talents God gives you, whatever your strengths, however high your IQ, they all have a purpose for God. All these things were preordained by God. The role you play in your life and the duty you do were ordained by God long ago. Some people see that others possess strengths they do not and are discontent. They want to change things by learning more, seeing more, and being more diligent. But there is a limit to what their diligence can achieve, and they cannot surpass those with gifts and expertise. No matter how much you fight, it is useless. God has ordained what you will be, and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. Whatever you are good at, that is where you should make an effort. Whatever duty you are suited to is the duty you should perform. Do not try to force yourself into areas outside your skillset and do not envy others. Everyone has their function. Do not think that you can do everything well, or that you are more perfect or better than others, always desiring to replace others and put yourself on display. This is a corrupt disposition. There are those who think that they cannot do anything well, and that they have no skills at all. If that is the case, you should just be a person who listens and submits in a down-to-earth manner. Do what you can and do it well, with all your strength. That is enough. God will be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). After reading God’s words, I was very moved. I understood that I was so exhausted and went through so much torment all because I didn’t put my energy into doing my duty. Rather, I used my energy to pursue reputation and status. God preordains whether someone’s caliber is high or low, what kind of talents and gifts they have, and what function they can fulfill. God wants us to do the best we can within the limits of our own ability. He doesn’t ask us to try to stand out from the crowd and be superior to others. Even before I was born, God had arranged everything for me. God preordained what caliber, talents, and gifts I would have; what duties I would be suitable to perform; and everything else. I was meant to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, keep my place, exert my abilities in a down-to-earth manner, and perform my duty well. After careful thought, I realized that I didn’t have any special skills, so I just needed to listen to God’s words: “You should just be a person who listens and submits in a down-to-earth manner. Do what you can and do it well, with all your strength. That is enough. God will be satisfied.” I was willing to practice according to God’s words and sincerely perform my role.

I saw a sister who did her duty very effectively. I was very envious and a little jealous. I thought, “How does she do it?” I felt the urge to surpass her again, but I realized I was exposing my corruption, so I prayed to God to rebel against myself. After I prayed, I thought, “We all have different functions, just like a machine has different parts and each part has a different function. My sister has her strengths and achieves good results in doing her duty. This is a good thing. I shouldn’t compare myself to her; I should learn from her.” After that, whenever my sister fellowshipped her path and gains in performing her duty, I listened carefully and took notes. I also looked to other brothers and sisters for their experience in gospel work. During gatherings, I calmed myself and contemplated God’s words, fellowshipped on what I understood of His words, and no longer pursued the admiration of others. When I practiced like this, my desire for status and reputation gradually diminished. I didn’t feel as jealous as before, and I felt much more relaxed and liberated.