By Xiaowei, China

In 2019, Sister Guan Xin was assigned to follow up on our church’s work. I already knew her from a couple of years earlier, and found that she hadn’t changed. In gatherings she often spoke words and doctrines, but could not share any experiential understanding of God’s words. When brothers and sisters were struggling in their duty, she constantly criticized and reprimanded them rather than fellowshipping on the truth to resolve their difficulties. This left them feeling beaten down and offered no path of practice. When some were in a negative state and couldn’t shake it off for the time being, Guan Xin passed verdicts on and castigated them, which left them feeling constrained. She often called attention to how she’d given up her job and family, and had suffered and paid a price, and lots of newer church members who lacked discernment really looked up to her. The work of the church wasn’t going well, around then, and the brothers and sisters were not in a good state. Later I found out that Li Xiao, a gospel deacon, wasn’t pulling her weight in the performance of her duty or doing any real work at all. She didn’t change after several rounds of fellowship and pruning, and even became negative and resistant about it. This was holding up our gospel work and she needed to be replaced. I talked with Guan Xin about this, but she felt it would be hard to find a good candidate to take over, and insisted that Li Xiao should stay on. She even said to me, in a loud manner, “How many times have you tried to help Li Xiao out of compassion, since you discovered her issues? Have you fulfilled your responsibilities? Don’t be so arrogant and pass verdicts on others so casually!” I was thinking, “Compassionate help is for those who can accept the truth, whereas a person who won’t accept fellowship and won’t change should be replaced right away, in line with principle.” I persisted with my point of view to begin with, but Guan Xin consistently disagreed and we started arguing. Several brothers and sisters who were present urged me not to be so competitive, which made me feel kind of constrained. “None of them have discernment over what Guan Xin is saying,” I thought, “and if I stick to my guns about dismissing Li Xiao, they may say I am arrogant, self-righteous and obstinate, and that I am disrupting and disturbing the church’s work.” After that, I kept quiet.

We needed to elect an upper leader after that, and were asked to suggest suitable candidates. Some of the brothers and sisters wanted to recommend Guan Xin. I was thinking that she tended to do things her own way without looking to principle, and she just spoke words and doctrines rather than resolving the real issues of others. She wasn’t a good candidate, and I knew I needed to fellowship with the brothers and sisters for their discernment. But Guan Xin and I had argued about changing the gospel deacon, and others had thought I was being competitive about it. If I now said that Guan Xin wasn’t a good candidate, would they say I was using this chance to settle a grudge and suppress her? I figured, “Fine, the less trouble, the better. I’m not voting for Guan Xin, but if they want to elect her it’s up to them.” But when it came to writing the appraisal, I felt concerned. Everyone else had pretty good things to say about Guan Xin, so if I wrote my honest opinion, the leader would think that despite being perfectly aware Guan Xin wasn’t a good candidate, I hadn’t fellowshipped on the truth about this with brothers and sisters and helped them suggest candidates suited to the principles. Which meant I wasn’t upholding the church’s work. Would the leader then stop cultivating me? I was in a quandary about what to do. Eventually I decided to go along with everyone else’s views. In the appraisal, I simply wrote about Guan Xin’s positives. I said, phonily, that she pursued the truth, had good humanity and was compassionate, and that when she saw corruption in us she found relevant words of God to help us…. I felt a prick of conscience on finishing the appraisal. When I read God’s words after that, I gained no enlightenment, and doing my duty also drained me. However, I didn’t self-reflect. I just hoped that luck was on my side. With so many candidates, she probably wouldn’t be elected. In which case there would be no chance for my dishonest appraisal to come to light. As it happened, Guan Xin was indeed elected to upper leadership. I was shocked, and felt somewhat unsettled. Had our positive appraisals misguided everyone? But I still didn’t have the courage to tell the leader the truth, consoling myself instead with the thought that if Guan Xin really wasn’t suited for leadership then God would reveal her. But I continued to feel uneasy about it.

More than a month later, a message came from the leader asking us to once again write appraisals of Guan Xin. I realized it was likely that problems had cropped up in her duty as an upper leader, and this scared me. I also noted that the leader quoted God’s words, which read: “Following the way of God means following God’s will. What does the ‘way of God’ refer to? It means fearing God and shunning evil. And what is fearing God and shunning evil? How you evaluate a person, for example, involves fearing God and shunning evil. How do you evaluate them? (We must be honest, impartial, and fair, and our words must not be based on our feelings.) You say what you think, and say what you’ve seen—that’s what it means to be honest. First of all, the practice of being honest aligns with following the way of God. This is what God teaches people; this is the way of God. What is the way of God? Fearing God and shunning evil. Is being honest not part of fearing God and shunning evil? Is it not following the way of God? (Yes, it is.) If you do not try to be an honest person, then what comes out of your mouth will not be the same as what you have seen and what you think in your heart. Suppose that someone asks you, ‘What is your opinion of that person? Is he responsible when it comes to the church’s work?’ and you reply, ‘He’s great. He is more responsible than I am, his caliber is better than mine, and his humanity is good, too. He is mature and steady.’ However, is this what you are thinking in your heart? In reality, you can see that although this person has caliber, he is unreliable, rather deceitful, and very calculating. This is what you’re really thinking in your heart. But when the time comes to speak, it occurs to you: ‘I can’t tell the truth, I mustn’t offend anyone.’ And so, you quickly pivot to say something else, and choose nice things to say about him; nothing you say is what you really think in your heart, it is all false words, all insincere. Is this a manifestation of you following the way of God? No. What you are following is the way of Satan, the devilish way. What is the way of God? It is the truth, it is the basis for man’s self-conduct, and it is the way of fearing God and shunning evil. Although you are speaking to people, God is also listening; He is watching your heart, and scrutinizing it. People listen to what you say, but God scrutinizes your heart. Is anyone capable of scrutinizing another person’s heart? At most, people can see through to the fact that you’re not telling the truth; they can see what’s on the surface, but only God can see through to the depths of your heart. Only God can see what you are thinking, what you are planning, and what petty calculations, crafty schemes, and active thoughts you have within your heart. When God sees that you are not telling the truth, what is His opinion and evaluation of you? It’s that you are not following God’s way in this matter because you’re not telling the truth. If you’re practicing according to God’s requirements, you should tell the truth: ‘This person has caliber, but he’s unreliable.’ Regardless of whether this evaluation is a completely accurate reflection of this person’s real situation, it’s what you are thinking in your heart, it is truthful, and it is the viewpoint and stance you should express. But you aren’t doing that—so are you following the way of God? (No.) You don’t speak truthfully when evaluating people, only ever saying words that flatter them or passing judgment on them, and yet you emphasize that you are following God’s way and satisfying God—is this of any use? God does not care about how loudly you shout slogans, nor how enthusiastic you are about believing in Him, much less how much doctrine you can talk about. God does not consider these things. He only considers whether you can accept the truth, and whether you can put the truth into practice after understanding it. He just considers how you choose when things happen to you—whether you can seek the truth and accept it. If you choose to protect your interpersonal relationships, and to protect your own interests and pride—if it’s all about self-preservation—and God sees that this is the viewpoint and attitude you take when something happens to you, then He will make an evaluation of you, saying that you are not someone who follows His way” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). Reading God’s words stirred up some feelings for me. I’d never considered appraisal-writing particularly important, or done any seeking on what truths I should practice in this matter. I’d not reflected on whether I had wrong motives or was revealing corruption, in writing an appraisal, or considered if I was giving an appraisal that was fair and objective with a God-fearing heart. At that point I realized that writing an appraisal relates to whether one has a God-fearing heart, and whether they can uphold the work of the church. We were electing an upper leader, which had a bearing on the work of several churches and the life entry of brothers and sisters. A biased or tainted appraisal could misguide others, and electing someone unsuitable could disturb the church’s work and harm the life entry of the brothers and sisters. I knew that Guan Xin wasn’t suitable for upper leadership and that I needed to fellowship on this, for the discernment of the brothers and sisters. But I was worried that they would say I was retaliating against Guan Xin and suppressing her. So, for the sake of my pride and status, I chose not to speak up. I could have written an honest appraisal and reported on Guan Xin’s actual situation, but I was afraid the leader would say I hadn’t shared my discernment with others and wasn’t upholding the church’s work, and that she would have a poor impression of me. So I chose the unethical option, writing counterfactually about Guan Xin as a person who pursued the truth and did real work. And it was all phony. How slippery and deceitful I was! God requires us to be honest, and to speak appropriately and in accordance with the facts. But I lied about a matter as significant as electing a leader. I didn’t have a God-fearing heart at all. The devil was a liar from the beginning. I was uttering falsehoods, contrary to the facts, and that was in essence a demonic nature! Rather than considering the work of the church, I wrote an appraisal which ran counter to the facts, misguiding brothers and sisters into electing someone unsuitable. That amounted to disturbing and disrupting the work of the church. This realization frightened me.

Later I read this passage of God’s words: “Once the truth has become your life, if you see anyone blaspheming God, not fearing God, being perfunctory while doing their duty, or disrupting and disturbing the church’s work, you will be able to treat them according to the truth principles, discerning those who ought to be discerned, and exposing those who ought to be exposed. If the truth has not become your life, and you still live within your satanic dispositions, then when you see evil people and devils causing disruptions and disturbances to the work of the church, you will turn a blind eye and a deaf ear, and ignore it, without feeling any reproach from your conscience. You will even think that no matter who causes disturbances to the work of the church, it has nothing to do with you. Regardless of how much the work of the church and the interests of the house of God are harmed, you won’t care or ask about it, or feel any reproach from your conscience. In that case, you are a person who has no conscience or reason, a disbeliever, a laborer. You eat what is God’s, drink what is God’s, and enjoy all that comes from God, yet feel that any harm that comes to the interests of the house of God has nothing to do with you—this makes you a traitor who sides with outsiders at the expense of your own, the type of thing that bites the hand that feeds it. If you do not safeguard the interests of the house of God, are you even human? You are a demon that has infiltrated the church. You feign belief in God, pretend to be one of God’s chosen people, and want to freeload in God’s house—you do not resemble a human being, and you are clearly a disbeliever” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). The exposure of God’s words really pained me. I was the traitor who bites the hand that feeds me that God spoke of. I was eating and drinking God’s words, enjoying all His sustenance, but I wasn’t upholding the church’s work at all. I was acting entirely for the sake of my own interests, knowingly not practicing the truth, again and again, which ended up misguiding others into electing a false leader. Wasn’t that harming the church’s work, and other brothers and sisters? The more I thought about it, the more I hated myself for being so vile and deceitful. Self-preservation was my only concern, rather than the church’s work. In no way was I a true believer. My soul was dark and sunken, I wasn’t enlightened by God’s words, and I wasn’t accomplishing anything in my duty. That was God hiding His face from me. If I kept on biting the hand that fed me, unrepentantly, I’d be spurned and eliminated by God for sure. I truly felt how God’s righteous disposition tolerates no human offense, and I hated myself for not practicing the truth and for committing a transgression. I prayed to God, ready to repent and practice the truth.

Afterward, I read this passage of God’s words: “For all who perform a duty, no matter how profound or shallow their understanding of the truth is, the simplest practice for entering into the truth reality is to think of the interests of God’s house at every turn, letting go of their selfish desires, personal intents, motives, pride, and status, and putting the interests of God’s house first—this is the least they should do. If a person who performs a duty cannot even do this much, then how can they be said to be performing their duty? That is not performing one’s duty. You should first think of the interests of God’s house, be considerate of God’s intentions, and take the work of the church into account. Put these things first and foremost; only after that can you think about the stability of your status or how others regard you. Divide it into two steps, making a bit of a compromise—don’t you feel this makes things a little easier? If you practice like this for a while, you will come to feel that satisfying God is not a difficult thing. Furthermore, if you can fulfill your responsibilities; fulfill your obligations and duty; set aside your selfish desires, intents, and motives; show consideration for God’s intentions; and put the interests of God’s house, the work of the church, and the duty that you are supposed to perform first, then, after experiencing like this for a while, you will feel that conducting yourself in this way is good, that people should live in an honest and aboveboard manner, and that they shouldn’t lead a spineless, sordid, base existence, but rather they should be upstanding and just. You will feel that this is the image a person ought to live out. Gradually, your desire to satisfy your own interests will lessen” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Dispositions). I found a path of practice from God’s words. We have to always put the work of the church first, and when our personal interests conflict with the church’s work we have to rebel against ourselves, set aside our own interests, and fulfill our duties and responsibilities. This time around, when it came to rewriting the appraisal, I could no longer focus attention on what others thought of me or keep on protecting myself. I had to write the truth and be honest. Following that, I opened up to the brothers and sisters. I told them about the corruption I’d revealed, and what I’d come to learn through self-reflection. I also fellowshipped on the principles for electing leaders; that we have to choose people who pursue the truth, have good humanity, and do real work. In light of Guan Xin’s conduct, everyone gained discernment and felt ready to write new appraisals, drawing on assessments made in line with the principles. I too wrote an honest appraisal based on Guan Xin’s persistent behavior. Putting that into practice gave me a sense of peace.

Later, the leader wrote to say that Guan Xin had been dismissed. She also said that while doing her duty Guan Xin had been arrogant, self-righteous, autocratic, and non-collegial, hindering many of the church’s projects, and that Guan Xin had used her position to constrain and suppress others, causing them to become negative…. For me, the contents of the leader’s letter read like one slap in the face after another. My face was burning and my mind went blank. All I knew was that I’d offended God, and that I’d played a part in the evildoing of a false leader. Guan Xin had behaved that way before, and I had discerned it at the time, yet I failed to expose and report her, and acquiesced as other brothers and sisters recommended her for upper leadership. I didn’t take on responsibility for the work of the church, and I abetted, by other means, the evildoing of a false leader. Moreover, I made excuses for not practicing the truth, and thought that even if I didn’t report what I knew, God would reveal it. God does reveal everything, but I still needed to fulfill my own duty by exposing a false leader and upholding the church’s work. Yet I simply stood by, waiting passively. I didn’t fulfill my duty or my responsibility, and this had serious repercussions for the work of the church and the life entry of the brothers and sisters. The more I thought about it, the more I felt indebted and guilty. I knew that my transgression could not be made right. In my pain, I came before God again in prayer and repentance. I also wanted to know why it was that I protected my own interests as soon as certain situations came upon me. What was the root of the problem? In my spiritual devotion, I read this passage of God’s words: “Before people experience God’s work and understand the truth, it is Satan’s nature that takes charge and dominates them from within. What, specifically, does that nature entail? For example, why are you selfish? Why do you protect your own status? Why are you so influenced by your feelings? Why do you like those unrighteous things and those evil things? What is the basis for you liking such things? Where do these things come from? Why do you like and accept them? By now, you have all come to understand: The main reason is that Satan’s poisons are within man. So what are Satan’s poisons? How can they be expressed? For example, if you ask, ‘How should people live? What should people live for?’ everyone will answer, ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost.’ Just this single phrase expresses the very root of the problem. Satan’s philosophy and logic have become people’s life. No matter what people pursue, they actually do it for themselves—and so they all live for themselves. ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost’—this is the life philosophy of man, and it also represents human nature. These words have already become the nature of corrupt mankind and they are the true portrait of corrupt mankind’s satanic nature. This satanic nature has entirely become the foundation for corrupt mankind’s existence. For several thousand years, corrupt mankind has lived by this poison of Satan, right up to the present day” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Walk the Path of Peter). God’s words showed me that though I was a believer, I wasn’t treating God’s words and the truth as benchmarks for how to conduct myself and act. I was still conducting myself and acting by the concepts of Satan, such as “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost,” “Profit comes first,” and “Sensible people are good at self-protection, seeking only to avoid making mistakes.” I was living in accordance with these satanic poisons. I thought that people had to put themselves first and learn to protect their interests from being harmed. That’s how to be smart and not lose out. But through this lesson, I saw that living by such satanic poisons—even if it temporarily served my interests—meant casting aside the fundamentals for conducting myself. I became selfish and deceitful, and even defied my conscience to trick others. I became a person without integrity or dignity, who wasn’t worthy of trust. Ultimately, I harmed the lives of brothers and sisters and seriously disturbed the church’s work, committing a transgression that could never be remedied. I hated how deeply Satan had corrupted me, that I was conscienceless and that I wasn’t worthy of living before God. This experience showed me that I didn’t understand God at all and didn’t believe He scrutinizes all things. I always worried that brothers and sisters would think I was retaliating against Guan Xin and deliberately suppressing her. But God’s house is reigned over by the truth and God scrutinizes all. So long as my intention was good and I acted in line with the truth principles, others would support me when they understood the truth. Even if some of them misunderstood me at first, God would scrutinize my heart and my conscience would be clear. Understanding this left me much more at peace, and I resolved that in the future, when something happened to me, I would certainly uphold the principles.

After all that, I thought of how the gospel deacon Li Xiao never accepted the truth and didn’t pull her weight in doing her duty. Going by the principles, she ought to have been dismissed. I shared my views on this with a few other deacons, and they said, “There’s no one available in the church to take over from her at the moment, so let’s help and support her for the time being.” I was thinking how I’d already tried helping and supporting her a number of times, but she wasn’t receptive. If she kept serving as gospel deacon, she’d just hold up the work even more. It was true, though, that there was no one else suitable in the church for gospel deacon, right now. And if I insisted while everyone else disagreed, wouldn’t they say I was being arrogant and obstinate? At first, I didn’t know what I should do, so I came before God in prayer and seeking. After my prayer I realized I’d started defending my own interests again. I needed to uphold the truth principles in my duty; I couldn’t just compromise. To judge by the principles, Li Xiao was revealed as a false worker, and the gospel work would suffer if we kept her in post. I couldn’t shy away from addressing that out of fear that others would say I was arrogant; I had to uphold the principles. So, my partnered sister and I fellowshipped on relevant truths with other deacons, and they agreed on dismissing the gospel deacon. After that, the upper leader arranged for a sister from another church to take over our gospel work. She pulled her weight in doing her duty, she understood some principles, and our gospel work gradually picked up. For my part, I felt I was finally putting some of the truth into practice, which brought me a sense of calmness and security.