By Lin Xin, USA

In June of 2021, I was elected as a church leader. At the time, this was honestly quite unexpected as I was quite young in comparison to the other leaders, and because my life entry was pretty shallow, I didn’t know if I’d be able to handle this duty. But when I saw just how many brothers and sisters voted for me, I felt that everyone approved of me, so I accepted the duty. I went on to actively equip myself with the truth principles, and when I encountered problems I didn’t understand, I’d quickly seek help from others, and so, I gradually gained a better understanding of how to do church work. One day, a sister I was partnered with told me, “The upper leader has said that you’re progress-oriented and able to actively overcome difficulties. That’s pretty good.” I was really happy to hear this, and hadn’t expected to receive such praise from the leadership, and it seemed that in their eyes, I was a person who pursued the truth and was upward-looking, and I resolved to keep working hard. But shortly after this, problems started to emerge in my work one after another. The supervisors I had selected weren’t doing real work, and I didn’t continually follow up on or supervise their work, which caused serious losses to the work. The leader pruned me for being irresponsible in my duty, calling me a pencil pusher who didn’t protect the work of the church. I felt a twinge of guilt at my negligence and worried about what the leader would think of me, and whether he would think I’d not followed principles in my personnel selection, and dismiss me because I wasn’t suited for leadership. What would my brothers and sisters think of me if I really were dismissed? Would they say that they’d been wrong in electing me as a leader? I felt really despondent. I thought about how the leader called me a pencil pusher who was irresponsible in their duty. I didn’t want to get stuck with this label, so I thought that maybe if I performed well moving forward, the leader’s evaluation of me might change and the brothers and sisters would have a whole new level of respect for me. They might say that even after being pruned, I didn’t give up in negativity, but instead continued to do my duty normally, which showed that I was a person who pursued the truth. In this way, my reputation of being progress-oriented and motivated would be preserved. With these things in mind, I tried to resolve the problems in my work as quickly as possible.

Later, the upper leader would often ask after my work, but I didn’t do things in as straightforward a way as I used to. Instead of promptly seeking out the leader if I encountered any problems or difficulties, now I was afraid that he would discover something else that I hadn’t done properly. One time, we needed to find somebody to supervise general affairs work. My first thought went to Sister Khloe, who was pretty skilled in handling general affairs, able to protect the interests of the church when things happened, and willing to take pains in her duties without fear of exhaustion. But then I remembered that she’d been dismissed as a supervisor before because of her arrogant disposition and inability to work with others. If I promoted her again and she behaved the same way, would the leader think I lacked discernment and only saw people as they appeared? I remained uncertain about whether Khloe could take on a supervisory role again, but I was too afraid to seek guidance from the leader, and the process of selecting a supervisor remained unconcluded. There was also the matter of the church leader Harlow. Six brothers and sisters had come together to report her for being extraordinarily arrogant, and for using her position to talk down to and suppress people. I went to the team leaders and supervisors to look into the matter. I found out that Harlow was indeed quite arrogant and liked to lecture others but some also said she was doing so because the brothers and sisters were violating principles. Seeing these differing evaluations, I couldn’t see things clearly. I thought about seeking guidance from the upper leader, but then I thought about how I had made several mistakes in a row in discerning people, how the leader had fellowshipped many principles to me, and yet now, faced with a situation, I was still unable to discern people, and I wondered whether he would think I was of poor caliber, unable to understand principles no matter how much they were fellowshipped, and unfit to be a leader. I hesitated, thinking I should observe more first and only dismiss her once I fully understood the situation.

One day, the leader discovered issues with my selection of the person supervising general affairs work and fellowshipped the principles of handling such matters. He said, “Being dismissed before doesn’t mean one can’t be a supervisor again, this depends on a person’s repentance. Moreover, selecting a general affairs supervisor is different from selecting a church leader. The focus isn’t on their pursuit of the truth but on whether they are the right person who can uphold the church’s work. Additionally, if most people think they have a talent for this, they can practice. If you’re not sure, you can have other brothers and sisters cooperate with her.” After his fellowship, he also pruned me for delaying the issue for so long without seeking solutions, saying I was being too selfish and not protecting the church’s work. I didn’t expect that the more I tried to disguise myself and conceal things, the more problems were exposed. Unconsciously, I’d started paying more attention to people’s tone and expressions. When the leader talked to me, I’d try to guess from his tone of voice if his impression of me was worsening, if he was assessing my suitability as a leader, and if he would stop giving me responsibilities. To my surprise, a month later, the leader arranged for me to supervise video work. I thought, “If I don’t do well this time, I might really be dismissed. I need to seize this opportunity and perform well.” However, I wasn’t familiar with video work, and when problems arose, I didn’t know how to solve them. When the leader asked about the state of the work, I became very nervous, afraid he would notice something I hadn’t done properly. So, when reporting on work, I only reported good news and not bad news, highlighting areas of progress, and I’d say I was working hard on solutions for areas that weren’t progressing. During that period, I felt immense pressure. Several times, I considered confessing to the leader that I couldn’t handle the job, but I worried that if I did, I would lose my only redeeming quality of being progress-oriented for good. Before I knew it, six months had passed, and the work that should have taken one month had been delayed by half a year. My state became worse and worse. When eating and drinking God’s words, I didn’t receive any light and I kept getting sleepy, and my prayers felt disconnected from God. I felt a constant sense of anxiety and unease.

The leader dug a little deeper in questioning me one time, discovered these issues, and dismissed me. He said, “You don’t pursue the truth, and you’re too vain. You prefer to do your duty alone, never consult or seek from others, and you’re too concerned with your reputation and status! Based on your consistent behavior, you can’t continue as a leader.” At the moment I was dismissed, it was clear to me that God’s righteous disposition was upon me, and that I only had myself to blame. Shortly after, I learned that Harlow had been running amok in the church, forming cliques, and suppressing and tormenting those who didn’t follow her. The church was in turmoil, people had become disorganized, and she was eventually isolated due to her evil humanity. Facing this result, I was deeply unsettled. My failure to see her issues clearly and seek guidance in a timely manner had left an evil person in a leadership position, harming the brothers and sisters for so long and severely disturbing the church’s work. Reflecting on how poorly I had done my duties, I was filled with guilt and felt too ashamed to face the brothers and sisters. I kept questioning myself: How did I end up like this? I knelt before God in prayer, asking Him to enlighten and guide me on how to truly reflect on and understand all that I had done.

Later, as I read some of God’s words, I began to gain some understanding of my state. Almighty God says: “If you are a leader or worker, are you afraid of the house of God making inquiries about and supervising your work? Are you afraid that the house of God will discover lapses and mistakes in your work and prune you? Are you afraid that after the Above gets to know your real caliber and stature, they will see you in a different light and not consider you for promotion? If you have these fears, this proves that your motivations are not for the sake of church work, you are working for the sake of reputation and status, which proves that you have the disposition of an antichrist. If you have the disposition of an antichrist, you are liable to walk the path of antichrists, and commit all the evil wrought by antichrists. If, in your heart, you have no fear of God’s house supervising your work, and you are able to provide real answers to the questions and inquiries of the Above, without hiding anything, and say as much as you know, then regardless of whether what you say is right or wrong, irrespective of the corruption you revealed—even if you revealed the disposition of an antichrist—you will absolutely not be defined as an antichrist. What’s key is whether you are able to know your own disposition of an antichrist, and whether you are able to seek the truth in order to solve this problem. If you are someone who accepts the truth, your antichrist’s disposition can be fixed. If you know full well that you have the disposition of an antichrist and yet do not seek the truth to resolve it, if you even try to conceal or lie about problems that occur and shirk responsibility, and if you do not accept the truth when subjected to pruning, then this is a serious problem, and you are no different from an antichrist. Knowing that you have the disposition of an antichrist, why do you not dare face it? Why can you not approach it frankly and say, ‘If the Above inquires about my work, I’ll say all I know, and even if the bad things I’ve done come to light, and the Above no longer makes use of me once they know, and I lose my status, I’ll still say clearly what I have to say’? Your fear of supervision of and inquiries after your work by God’s house proves that you treasure your status more than the truth. Is this not the disposition of an antichrist? To cherish status above all is the disposition of an antichrist” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part Two)). God’s word exposed my state. I was afraid of the leader supervising and inquiring about my work primarily because I was driven by concerns about reputation and position. I feared that the leader would discover problems in my work and dismiss me, and I feared losing my position. So, when faced with deviations and problems in my work, I did my best to cover them up, and so long as I could maintain my position, I preferred to resort to deceit and delay the work. My love for my position to such an extent revealed my antichrist disposition. I felt that the brothers and sisters and the leader had a good opinion of me, so I wanted to perform well in all aspects to retain my position as a leader. Because of my irresponsibility in my duty, and lack of principles in selecting people, I was pruned several times. After that, I began to speculate on whether the leader might say my caliber is inadequate and dismiss me, causing me to lose my position. This was the root of my fear. So, I started to disguise and cover up myself. When the leader followed up on the work and asked some questions, I would think over my responses several times before answering, trying to minimize the exposure of problems. I reported progress in my work but kept the issues hidden. When I encountered people or matters I was unclear on, I didn’t seek guidance, but instead, I disguised myself to make the leader think I could handle and resolve actual issues. And even when some work was stalled and couldn’t proceed, I still disguised myself and didn’t seek guidance, all to protect my status. Blinded by my concern for reputation and status, I made mistake after mistake, causing much work to be delayed and unable to progress normally. I recalled God’s words which say: “Why can you not approach it frankly and say, ‘If the Above inquires about my work, I’ll say all I know, and even if the bad things I’ve done come to light, and the Above no longer makes use of me once they know, and I lose my status, I’ll still say clearly what I have to say’? Your fear of supervision of and inquiries after your work by God’s house proves that you treasure your status more than the truth. Is this not the disposition of an antichrist? To cherish status above all is the disposition of an antichrist.” Facing the exposure of God’s words, I felt deeply condemned. God teaches us that when reporting work, we must speak honestly, regardless of the problems. Even if it means losing status, we must speak clearly on issues and not conceal them, and report problems honestly. However, my actions were exactly the opposite. I preferred to lie, disguise, and deceive, sacrificing my integrity to protect my reputation and status. God’s words fully convinced me, showing me that what I truly pursued and valued was only reputation and status.

Later, I read another passage of God’s words: “Antichrists are inherently wicked; they don’t possess a heart of honesty, of love for the truth, or of love for positive things. They are often living in dark corners—they do not act with an attitude of honesty, they are not forthright in their words, and they are wicked and deceitful toward other people and God. They want to deceive others, and to deceive God, as well. They will not accept others’ supervision, much less God’s scrutiny. … After someone like that gains status, they become even more surreptitious in their behavior around other people. They want to protect their ambitions, their reputation, their image and their name, their status and dignity, and so on. That’s why they don’t want to be up front about how they do things or their motives for doing things. Even when they make a mistake, reveal a corrupt disposition, or when the motives and intents behind their actions are wrong, they don’t want to open up and allow others to find out about it, and they often put up an appearance of innocence and perfection to trick the brothers and sisters. And with the Above and with God, they only say nice-sounding things, and often use deceptive tactics and lies to maintain their relationship with the Above. When they report to the Above on their work, and talk to the Above, they never say anything unpleasant, so that no one can discover any of their weak points. They will never mention what they’ve done down below, any of the issues that have arisen in the church, the problems or flaws in their work, or things they can’t understand or see through to. They never ask or seek with the Above about these things, and instead just present an image and appearance of competence in their work, of being capable of completely shouldering their work. They don’t report any of the problems that exist in the church to the Above, and no matter how chaotic things may be in the church, the magnitude of the flaws that have appeared in their work, or exactly what they’ve been doing down below, they repeatedly cover all that up, endeavoring to never let the Above catch wind of or hear any news about these things, even going so far as to transfer people who are connected to these matters or who know the truth about them to faraway places in an effort to conceal what’s really going on. What sort of practices are these? What kind of behavior is this? Is it the sort of manifestation a person who pursues the truth ought to have? Very clearly, it is not. This is the behavior of a demon. Antichrists will do their utmost to conceal, to cover up anything that could have an impact on their status or reputation, keeping these things from other people and from God. This is deceiving those above and below them” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eleven). God dissects the wicked nature of antichrists. When it comes to their own status and reputation, antichrists, despite having made mistakes or done evil, still go to great lengths to disguise, deceive, and create false appearances for others. They deceive both their superiors and those beneath them, never seeking the truth to resolve or correct things, nor do they reflect or repent. Ever since I was pruned, I began to suspect that the leader had a poor impression of me. After that, whether I was speaking, acting, or reporting work, my primary concern was how to maintain my reputation and status. When I couldn’t see through to people and didn’t know how to handle situations appropriately, I did not seek help or report it to the leader, but instead ignored the issues and shelved them, which delayed the work. When the video work encountered difficulties and I didn’t know how to proceed, I still did not seek guidance or honestly report the problems or the real situation to the leader. The thought that ran through my head most was that, as a leader, if I couldn’t solve these problems, I might be dismissed. So, regardless of how important the work was, I continued to protect my reputation and status, using various deceptions to present myself as capable of solving problems, which delayed the video work for as long as six months. In essence, I was lying through my teeth, and deceiving those both above and under me. I saw that my disposition was truly wicked and deceitful! I reflected on my past experiences at work in the world. Whenever leaders came to inspect work and evaluate outstanding units, as soon as we learned of what was being inspected, we would work overtime to add various fake materials to deal with the inspection, and we would erase all traces of parts with poor performance or reported issues. In this way, we usually managed to get away with inspections and receive the title of “Outstanding Unit.” Under the influence of such an evil trend, people no longer focus on speaking or doing things honestly; they deceive each other and use any means at their disposal to achieve their goals. I couldn’t discern positive and negative things before accepting God’s work of the last days. I conformed to the world’s evil trends and lived without any human likeness. Now, even after accepting God’s work of the last days for many years, eating and drinking much of God’s word, and understanding some bases of being human, I still resorted to deceit and false appearances in my duties to maintain my reputation and status, only reporting on good things and leaving out the bad, which was knowingly committing offense, and deceiving and opposing God. Reflecting on this, I was filled with fear. In the past, when hearing about the behavior of antichrists being exposed by God, I always associated them with those who committed many evils and were obviously antichrists, never seriously identifying myself with these words. Now, through the exposure of God’s words and the revelation of facts, I saw that I indeed had the disposition and behaviors of an antichrist. I urgently prayed to God in my heart, wishing to repent and change, and not wanting to conduct myself like this anymore.

Later, I read a few passages of God’s words, which gave me a further understanding of my issues and a path for practice. Almighty God says: “Some people are promoted and cultivated by the church, receiving a good chance to be trained. This is something good. It can be said they have been elevated and graced by God. So how, then, should they do their duty? The first principle they should abide by is to understand the truth—when they do not understand the truth, they must seek the truth, and if they still don’t understand after seeking on their own, they can find someone who does understand the truth to fellowship and seek with, which will make solving the problem faster and more timely. If you focus only on spending more time reading God’s words by yourself, and on spending more time pondering these words, in order to achieve understanding of the truth and solve the problem, this is too slow; as the saying goes, ‘Distant water won’t slake an urgent thirst.’ If, when it comes to the truth, you wish to make quick progress, then you must learn how to work in harmony with others, and to ask more questions and seek more. Only then will your life grow quickly, and will you be able to solve problems promptly, without any delay in either. Because you have only just been promoted and are still on probation, and do not truly understand the truth or possess the truth reality—because you still lack this stature—do not think that your promotion means you possess the truth reality; this is not the case. It is merely because you have a sense of burden toward the work and possess the caliber of a leader that you are selected for promotion and cultivation. You should have this reason. If, after being promoted and becoming a leader or worker, you start to assert your status, and believe that you are someone who pursues the truth and that you possess the truth reality—and if, regardless of what problems the brothers and sisters have, you pretend that you understand, and that you are spiritual—then this is a foolish way to be, and it is the same way as the hypocritical Pharisees. You must speak and act truthfully. When you don’t understand, you can ask others or seek fellowship from the Above—there is nothing shameful about any of this. Even if you don’t ask, the Above will still know your true stature, and will know that the truth reality is absent in you. Seeking and fellowshipping are what you ought to be doing; this is the reason that should be found in normal humanity, and the principle that should be adhered to by leaders and workers. It is not something to be embarrassed about. If you think that once you are a leader it is embarrassing to not understand the principles, or to constantly be asking other people or the Above questions, and you’re afraid that others will look down on you, and then you put on an act as a result, pretending that you understand everything, that you know everything, that you have work capability, that you can do any church work, and do not need anyone to remind you or fellowship with you, or anyone to provide for you or support you, then this is dangerous, and this is too arrogant and self-righteous, too lacking in reason. You don’t even know your own measure—does this not make you a muddle-headed person? Such people do not actually meet the criteria for being promoted and cultivated by the house of God, and sooner or later they will be dismissed or eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (5)). “Some also say, ‘When we encounter difficulties or issues, we need to ponder for a few days first, and only report it if we really can’t find a solution.’ It might sound like those who say this have some reason, but aren’t these days of pondering likely to cause delays? Can you be certain that a few days of pondering will resolve the issue? Can you guarantee it won’t cause further delay? Others say, ‘If we report an issue immediately, won’t the Above think we can’t even see through this minor issue? Won’t they call us foolish and ignorant and prune us?’ They’re wrong to say this—regardless of whether you report the issue or not, the quality of your caliber is already apparent; the Above knows it all. Do you think the Above will regard you highly if you don’t report some issue? If you do report the issue, and it hasn’t caused delays to significant matters, God’s house will not hold you accountable. However, if you don’t report it and it leads to delays, you will be held directly responsible, and you will be immediately dismissed, never to be used again. God’s chosen people will also see you as ignorant, foolish, feeble-minded, and mentally unhinged, and they will hate you and forever despise you. … By now, you all should be able to see through these kinds of problems, right? When you encounter issues you cannot handle, quickly report them and fellowship for solutions with the decision-making group. If the decision-making group can’t handle them, immediately report them to the Above; don’t worry about this or that, being able to promptly resolve the issue is what’s most crucial” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (7)). God’s words awoke me. In God’s house, being a leader is merely a matter of practice and being cultivated. Therefore, when encountering confusions and difficulties in one’s duties, one needs to cooperate and discuss with others and seek help from superiors to avoid delaying the work. If a person always puts themselves on a pedestal, thinking that being selected as a leader means they should therefore understand the truth principles and have the ability to solve problems, and they disguise themselves and refuse to seek even when they encounter issues they don’t understand, then such a person lacks reason and overly protects their own reputation and status, and they can easily delay the church’s work. I was a living example of this. I had known that my understanding of the truth was shallow and that I lacked much, but I thought that since I had been selected as a leader, I should therefore understand the truth principles better than brothers and sisters and have greater abilities than them in solving problems, and that in this way, the brothers and sisters could then be won over and the upper leader could approve of me. When I held this erroneous view, I couldn’t help but want to disguise myself. When problems arose in my duties that I didn’t know how to resolve, I could never speak out and seek help, fearing that it would make me look incompetent and be embarrassing, so I would always try to solve the problems on my own. I became stuck in the quagmire of reputation and status, as if my mind were clouded. I continued to disguise myself and deceive, which seriously delayed the church work. Reflecting on this, I gave myself a few hard slaps on the face and felt deeply remorseful and guilty. I then read this passage of God’s words: “No matter what confusions or difficulties you encounter in your work, as long as they can affect God’s chosen people in doing their duties or hinder the normal progress of church work, the issues should be resolved promptly. If you cannot resolve an issue on your own, you should seek out a few people who understand the truth to resolve it with. If even this does not work, then you must bring the issue forward and report it to the Above to seek a solution. This is the responsibility and obligation of leaders and workers” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (7)). From God’s words, I understood a principle. In matters relating to church work and duties, no matter what the situation is, as long as a problem affects the duties of God’s chosen people or obstructs the normal progress of church work, it should be resolved in a timely manner. On things we do not understand, we should consult knowledgeable people and find solutions as quickly as possible. However, I always believed that I was investigating and actively solving these problems when I was facing them, but I never considered whether I could actually resolve them, or even if I could, how long this would take, or whether it would delay the work. I didn’t consider these factors, and unknowingly missed the best time to address the issues. This was not active cooperation, much less was it facing difficulties head-on. It was clearly working independently and recklessly, which was not being responsible toward the work and severely delayed the church work. I was truly absurd and foolish! In fact, when leaders inquire about work or ask if we have any issues, it is in the hope that we will bring out real problems and seek fellowship. This will help us understand the truth, grasp principles, and gradually learn to handle actual work. This is such a positive thing! The more I thought about it, the more I regretted what I had done. If I had just recognized the essence and consequences of disguising myself and turned this around sooner, I would not have caused so much loss to the work, and I would not have missed so many opportunities to gain the truth.

Once, the leader arranged for me to supervise the painting work and fellowshipped many times on principles and requirements. I felt that I understood those things well at the time, but when I actually started working, I realized that I didn’t understand some details and I didn’t know how to proceed. I felt anxious again. When the leader had fellowshipped with me, I’d been emphatic in confirming my understanding, but now that I was actually doing the job, I didn’t know what I was doing. What was I to do? I wanted to ask the leader again, but then I wondered whether the leader would say, “Even though I fellowshipped in such detail and repeated things several times, how do you still not understand? Your caliber really seems to be lacking!” So, once again, I didn’t dare ask the leader for help. Three days passed, and I was very anxious, so I knelt down to pray to God and told Him about my state. After praying, I thought about my experience of previous failures and I remembered these words of God: “No matter what confusions or difficulties you encounter in your work, as long as they can affect God’s chosen people in doing their duties or hinder the normal progress of church work, the issues should be resolved promptly. If you cannot resolve an issue on your own, you should seek out a few people who understand the truth to resolve it with. If even this does not work, then you must bring the issue forward and report it to the Above to seek a solution. This is the responsibility and obligation of leaders and workers” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (7)). God’s words reminded me that if I didn’t seek understanding quickly, as the days passed, if the work was not completed on time, progress would be delayed. Realizing this, I decided to be honest and not cover up or disguise myself, regardless of how the leader might view me. Then I sought help from the leader, and he fellowshipped everything again, and the problem was resolved immediately. I offered a prayer of thanks and praise to God. Practicing like this was truly sweet and liberating.

Reflecting on the experience, I am deeply grateful to God for arranging so many situations for me to go through. Although these revealed much of my corruption, they were the best opportunities for me to understand myself. Through the exposure, enlightenment, and guidance of God’s words, I now have a better understanding of myself, learned some lessons, and found some ways on how to fulfill my duties well. I thank God from the bottom of my heart.