By Xiaoxi, China

In June 2022, several nearby churches were raided by the Chinese Communist Party. Almost all the leaders, workers, and text-based workers were arrested, and because there were no suitable personnel for the text-based work, I was transferred in. Less than a month later, the COVID-19 pandemic broke out. I contracted the disease, and had intermittent fevers, frequent chest tightness, and shortness of breath. Medication and shots alleviated these symptoms a lot, but painful lumps appeared in my armpits and on the inner sides of my arms, fluid accumulated in my thighs, and my legs and hips were extremely sore. My feet also developed mild ulcers and oozed fluid. I had had cervical cancer before, and when these symptoms appeared, I became very anxious, especially because my mother had also died of cancer, and in the six months before her death, her feet had ulcerated and oozed fluid. On top of that, the cancerous area would occasionally hurt, and I became even more worried, thinking, “My cancer was already in the mid-to-late stages. Are these symptoms a sign that the cancer has spread? If that’s the case, I don’t have much time left…. I’ve believed in God for so many years, but my corrupt disposition hasn’t changed much. If I die, won’t I lose my chance to be saved?” I also thought of the agony some cancer patients go through before death, and I became very worried, fearing that I would suffer like them and becoming even more afraid of dying. Later, I went to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor said my symptoms were related to my COVID-19 infection, and that my kidneys were weak. They advised me to rest more and avoid staying up late. I thought, “I’m at the computer every day doing my duty from morning to night. If my condition worsens and I collapse, won’t I be unable to do my duty? Won’t that delay my life entry? Would I still be able to achieve salvation?” After that, I would lie down to rest as soon as I felt uncomfortable. Because I focused on taking care of my body and not on my duty, my work was delayed. Later, with treatment, my condition began to improve, but I was still worried, thinking, “Text-based work requires mental effort, and sitting at the computer every day consumes energy. Won’t this be detrimental to my recovery in the long run? Why don’t I ask the leader to assign me a lighter duty so I can maintain my body while still doing my duty as best I can?” At that time, these thoughts kept coming to my mind, but then I thought, “I was transferred here because there were no suitable people for the text-based work, and if I resign, won’t that affect the text-based work? If I only think about myself and not the church’s work, aren’t I being unconscionable?” So, I dismissed the idea of resigning. After that, although I appeared to continue doing my duty, I was still constantly worried, fearing that if my condition worsened and I suddenly died, I would no longer experience God’s work, and lose my chance to achieve salvation. With these thoughts in mind, I couldn’t focus on my duty. Sometimes I even hoped, “It would be great if God could take away this illness!”

One day during my devotionals, I read God’s words. “If illness befalls you, and no matter how much doctrine you understand you’re still unable to overcome it, your heart will still become distressed, anxious, and worried, and not only will you be unable to face the matter calmly, but your heart will also be filled with complaints. You will be constantly wondering, ‘Why isn’t anyone else sick with this disease? Why make me get this disease? How did this happen to me? It’s because I’m unlucky and I have a bad fate. I’ve never offended anyone, nor have I committed any sin, so why has this happened to me? God is treating me so unfairly!’ You see, besides distress, anxiety, and worry, you fall into depression as well, with one negative emotion following another and without any way to escape them no matter how much you might want to. Because it is a real illness, it is not easily taken from you or cured, so what should you do? You want to submit but you can’t, and if you submit one day, the next day your condition worsens and it hurts so much, and then you don’t want to submit anymore, and you start complaining again. You go back and forth like this all the time, so what should you do? Let Me tell you the secret of success. Whether you encounter a major illness or a minor one, the moment your illness gets serious or you’re facing death, just remember one thing: Do not fear death. Even if you’re in the final stages of cancer, even if the death rate for your particular illness is very high, do not fear death. Regardless of how great your suffering is, if you fear death then you will not submit. … What is the right attitude you should adopt to not fear death? If your illness gets so serious that you may die, and the death rate for it is high regardless of how old the person is who contracts the illness, and the time from when people contract the illness to when they die is very short, what should you think in your heart? ‘I must not fear death, everyone dies in the end. Submitting to God, however, is something most people can’t do, and I can use this illness to practice submitting to God. I should have the thinking and the attitude of submitting to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and I must not fear death.’ Dying is easy, much easier than living. You can be in extreme pain and you won’t be aware of it, and as soon as your eyes close, your breath ceases, your soul leaves the body, and your life ends. This is how death goes; it is this simple. Not fearing death is one attitude to adopt. Besides this, you mustn’t worry about whether your illness will get worse or not, or whether you will die if you cannot be cured, or how long it will be until you die, or what pain you will be in when it comes time to die. You mustn’t worry about these things; these are not things you should be worrying about. This is because the day must come, and it must come in some year, some month, and on some particular day. You cannot hide from it and you cannot escape it—it is your fate. Your so-called fate has been predestined by God and already arranged by Him. The span of your years and the age and time at which you die are already set by God, so what are you worried about? You can worry about it but that won’t change anything; you can worry about it, but you cannot prevent it from happening; you can worry about it, but you cannot stop that day from arriving. Therefore, your worry is superfluous, and all it does is make the burden of your illness even heavier” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words, I understood that no matter what illness befalls us—whether it worsens or threatens our life—we shouldn’t fear death, or the suffering that may come with dying. These are not things that we should worry about, because according to God’s ordination, everyone must die. However, the time and manner of each person’s death have already been predetermined by God. No one can avoid or escape this. The truth we should enter into in the face of suffering and death is to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. But I didn’t have a true understanding of God’s sovereignty and arrangements and I always wanted to escape this situation. Since my cancer was already in the mid-to-late stages, and my body was showing some bad symptoms, I was worried that my condition would worsen and I would suddenly die, so I kept wanting to switch to an easier duty. In fact, whether the duty is tiring or easy, and whether it drains one’s energy or not, it doesn’t determine one’s life or death. All this is determined by God’s ordination and arrangements. For example, I know some people who seemed strong and healthy, without any illness, and who worked in easy, non-exhausting jobs, but they passed away at a young age. Some people, though weak and sickly, living in harsh conditions, live to be eighty or ninety years old. This shows that a person’s life and death are not related to these objective conditions. When a person reaches the lifespan ordained by God, they will inevitably die. No amount of human care can extend one’s lifespan by even a moment. Especially when I saw God’s words saying: “Dying is easy, much easier than living. You can be in extreme pain and you won’t be aware of it, and as soon as your eyes close, your breath ceases, your soul leaves the body, and your life ends. This is how death goes; it is this simple. Not fearing death is one attitude to adopt,” my mind suddenly became clear. I didn’t need to worry about whether my body could withstand dying. Death is not as terrifying as I thought. Since God had ordained that I would go through this kind of situation, I had to submit amidst the illness and do my best to shoulder my duty. If one day my illness worsened and death truly came, I would face it calmly and submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements.

I read two more passages of God’s words and gained some understanding of His good intentions. Almighty God says: “When God arranges for someone to get an illness, whether major or minor, His purpose in doing so is not to make you appreciate the ins and outs of being sick, the harm the illness does to you, the hardships and difficulties the illness causes you, and all the myriad feelings the illness causes you to feel—His purpose is not for you to appreciate sickness through being sick. Rather, His purpose is for you to learn the lessons from sickness, to learn how to feel for God’s intentions, to know the corrupt dispositions you reveal and the wrong attitudes you adopt toward God when you’re sick, and to learn how to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, so that you can achieve true submission to God and be able to stand firm in your testimony—this is absolutely key. God wishes to save you and cleanse you through sickness. What about you does He wish to cleanse? He wishes to cleanse all your extravagant desires and demands toward God, and even cleanse the various plans, judgments, and schemes you make at all costs to survive and live. God does not ask you to make plans, He does not ask you to judge, and He does not allow you to have any extravagant desires toward Him; He requires only that you submit to Him and, in your practice and experience of submitting, to know your own attitude toward sickness, and to know your attitude toward these bodily conditions He gives to you, as well as your own personal wishes. When you come to know these things, you can then appreciate how beneficial it is for you that God has arranged the circumstances of the illness for you or that He has given you these bodily conditions; and you can appreciate just how helpful they are to changing your disposition, to you attaining salvation, and to your life entry. That is why, when illness comes calling, you must not always be wondering how you can escape it or flee from it or reject it” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). “No matter what trial befalls you, you must treat it as a burden given to you by God. Say some people are beset by great sickness and unbearable suffering, some even face death. How should they approach this kind of situation? In many cases, the trials of God are burdens He gives to people. However great the burden bestowed upon you by God, that is the weight of burden you should undertake, for God understands you, and knows you will be able to bear it. The burden given to you by God will not exceed your stature or the limits of your endurance, so there is no question that you will be able to bear it. No matter what manner of burden God gives you, what kind of trial, remember one thing: Whether or not you understand God’s intentions and whether or not you are enlightened and illuminated by the Holy Spirit after you pray, whether or not this trial is God disciplining you or warning you, it does not matter if you do not understand. As long as you do not delay in performing your duty and can loyally hold fast to your duty, God will be satisfied, and you will stand firm in your testimony” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only in the Frequent Reading of God’s Words and Contemplation of the Truth Is There a Way Ahead). After reading God’s words, I understood that the purpose of illness, in God’s intention, is to purify and transform people, which is beneficial to one’s life. God hopes that people will be able to submit, reflect on their own corruption and rebellion, seek truth to resolve it, and also do their duty with loyalty amidst illness. This is what people should do. Reflecting on myself, I realized that I had no submission amidst my illness, nor did I learn any lessons from it, but that I always wanted to avoid the situation, thinking that text-based work consumes too much energy, and worrying that if the illness worsens and I die, I would miss my chance for salvation, and so I always contemplated switching to an easier duty. A person with conscience and reason would still be loyal in doing their duty even when sick, especially when the church work needs them most. However, I showed resistance and avoidance in the face of illness. I lacked any loyalty and submission to God, and only considered my own interests. Reflecting on this, I wanted to repent. Regardless of the illness or how severe it became, so long as I was still breathing, I would submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, fully experience this environment and do my best to perform my duty. I dispelled the thought of transferring to a different duty, and started to put my heart into the performance of my duty. Sometimes, when my body felt uncomfortable and I really couldn’t endure it, I lay down and rested for a while, and when I felt better, I carried on with my duty. During this period, besides taking traditional Chinese medicine for treatment, I also did appropriate physical therapy to alleviate the pain. Four months passed, and there was still pain at the site of the illness, but the other uncomfortable symptoms had decreased significantly, and my mental state was quite good.

Later, I continued to seek the reasons why I had been unable to submit during the illness. During a devotional one day, I read two passages of God’s words that gave me some understanding of my issues. Almighty God says: “What is the outcome when people only consider their own prospects, fates, and interests? It is not easy for them to submit to God, and even when they wish to, they can’t. People who particularly value their own prospects, fates, and interests, always scrutinize whether God’s work is beneficial to their prospects, to their fates, and to them obtaining blessings. In the end, what is the outcome of their scrutiny? All they do is rebel against and oppose God. Even when they do insist on performing their duties, they do so perfunctorily, with a mood of negativity; in their hearts, they keep thinking about how to take advantage, and to not be on the losing side. Such are their motives when they perform their duties, and in this, they are trying to make a deal with God. … They never think of the work of the church, nor of the interests of God’s house, they always plot for their own sakes, they always plan for their own interests, pride, and status, and not only do they perform their duties poorly, they also delay and affect the work of the church. Is this not going astray and neglecting their duties? If someone is always planning for their own interests and prospects when they perform their duty, and gives no thought to the work of the church or the interests of God’s house, then this is not performing a duty. This is opportunism, it is doing things for their own benefit and to obtain blessings for themselves. In this way, the nature behind performing their duty changes. It is just about making a deal with God, and wanting to use the performance of their duty to achieve their own goals. This way of doing things is very likely to disrupt the work of God’s house. If it only causes minor losses to the church’s work, then there is still room for redemption and they may still be given an opportunity to perform their duty, rather than being cleared out; but if it causes great losses to the church’s work and incurs the wrath of God and people alike, then they will be revealed and eliminated, with no further opportunity to perform their duty. Some people are dismissed and eliminated in this way. Why are they eliminated? Have you found the root cause? The root cause is that they always consider their own gains and losses, get carried away by their own interests, are unable to rebel against the flesh, and don’t have a submissive attitude toward God at all, so they tend to behave recklessly. They believe in God only to obtain profit, grace, and blessings, and not at all to gain the truth, so their belief in God fails. This is the root of the problem. Do you think it is unjust for them to be revealed and eliminated? It is not unjust in the slightest, it is entirely determined by their nature. Anyone who does not love the truth or pursue the truth will eventually be revealed and eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Seeking the Truth Principles Can One Perform One’s Duty Well). “It is no accident that antichrists are able to do their duty—they absolutely do their duty with their own intentions and purposes and the desire to gain blessings. Whatever duty they do, their purpose and attitude are of course inseparable from gaining blessings, the good destination and the good prospects and destiny which they think about and are concerned with day and night. They are like businesspeople who don’t talk about anything besides their work. Whatever antichrists do is all linked to fame, gain, and status—it is all linked to gaining blessings and prospects and destiny. Deep down, their hearts are full of such things; this is the nature essence of antichrists. It is precisely because of this kind of nature essence that others are able to clearly see that their ultimate end is to be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Seven)). God exposes that antichrists do their duties not to experience God’s work and gain truth, but to use the opportunity to do their duties to pursue their own interests and demand the blessings of the kingdom of heaven. Because the intentions of antichrists in doing their duties are wrong, when they encounter environments that they believe are detrimental to their prospects and destination, it is difficult for them to submit. Even if they appear to do their duties, they are just going through the motions, causing losses to the church’s work, and creating obstacles and disruptions. In addition, they consistently lack a repentant heart, and are eventually revealed and eliminated by God. In my illness, I too was considering my own prospects and destination, without any consideration for the church’s work. In these churches, I was the only one doing text-based work, but I worried that the effort would be detrimental to my health, fearing that if my condition worsened and I died, I would miss the chance at salvation, and so I wanted to shirk my duty and switch to an easier one. The truth was, my illness was not particularly severe, and after contracting COVID-19, my body was somewhat weak and I had some unfavorable symptoms, but resting for a while when I felt uncomfortable helped. Yet I kept thinking about my own body, which delayed the work. I was truly selfish and despicable, lacking any conscience and reason. I thought about those who had been revealed and eliminated. Some had initially been zealous and had expended themselves, but they did not pursue truth and only sought blessings. When confronted by illness and death, seeing their hopes for blessings shattered, they became filled with complaint, negative and negligent, and they even abandoned their duties, leaving and betraying God. My views on pursuit were similar to theirs, and if I did not repent, I would end up being eliminated like them.

One day, I felt the pain at the cancer site worsening, and I began to have wild thoughts again, thinking, “Has the cancer spread throughout my body?” I was really scared, and told myself, “Even if the cancer has spread, I will still submit to God’s sovereign arrangements.” I went to the hospital for an examination, and the doctor said that there was only mild inflammation at the site, with no cancer cells, and suggested that I continue taking traditional Chinese medicine for treatment. Looking at the test results, I knew this was God’s mercy toward me, and that God was giving me a chance to live so that I could repent and change. During my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words that really moved my heart. Almighty God says: “In this life, people have but a limited time to go from understanding things to having this opportunity, possessing this caliber, and satisfying the conditions to engage in dialogue with the Creator, so as to reach true understanding, knowledge, and fear of the Creator, and walk the way of fearing God and shunning evil. If now you want God to quickly lead you away, you are not being responsible with your own life. To be responsible, you should work harder to equip yourself with the truth, reflect on yourself more when things happen to you, and quickly compensate for your own shortcomings. You should come to practice the truth, to act in accordance with the principles, to enter into the truth reality, to know more of God, to be able to know and understand God’s intentions, and to not live your life in vain. You must come to know where the Creator is, what the Creator’s intentions are, and how the Creator expresses joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness—even if you cannot attain a deeper awareness or complete knowledge, you must at least possess a basic understanding of God, never betray God, be fundamentally compatible with God, show consideration to God, offer basic consolation to God, and do what is proper and basically achievable for a created being. These are no easy things. In the process of performing their duties, people can gradually come to know themselves, and thereby know God. This process is actually an interaction between the Creator and created beings, and it should be a process worth reminiscing on throughout one’s life. This process is something people should be able to enjoy, rather than a painful and difficult process. Therefore, people should cherish the days and nights, years and months spent performing their duties. They should cherish this phase of life, and should not regard it as an encumbrance or burden. They should savor and gain experiential knowledge of this stage of their lives. Then, they will attain an understanding of the truth and live out the semblance of a human being, possess a God-fearing heart, and do less and less evil” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Spreading the Gospel Is the Duty to Which All Believers Are Honor-Bound). From God’s words, I found a path to practice and enter the truth. To be saved and perfected, one must pursue the truth, cherish the various environments arranged by God, understand one’s own corruption and deficiencies from them, base everything on God’s words, focus on practicing the truth, and live out the reality of God’s words, only then can one walk the path to salvation. Looking back on my illness, I failed because I only made empty declarations to experience God’s work, I did not cherish this environment meticulously arranged by God, much less contemplate what corrupt disposition God was revealing through this illness, or what aspects of the truth I should enter. Instead, I treated this illness as a nuisance and a burden. With my way of experiencing things, even if my body were healthy and free of disease or trouble, I would not be able to be saved. God has not yet taken my life and has still given me a chance to live. I must have conscience and reason, equip myself with the truth, and focus on living out the reality of God’s words.

Later, I caught COVID-19 twice in a row, and the pain in my chest worsened noticeably. I couldn’t help but begin to have wild thoughts again, such as, “Could it be that cancer has also developed in my lungs?” Thinking this, I felt an indescribable discomfort in my heart. On the day of the work summary with the text-based team, I was worried again, thinking, “I’ve only just recovered; what if I get infected again when I go outside? My body can’t endure any more suffering.” I wanted to ask the leader to go in my place. But when these thoughts arose, I recalled this passage in God’s words: “People should cherish the days and nights, years and months spent performing their duties. They should cherish this phase of life, and should not regard it as an encumbrance or burden. They should savor and gain experiential knowledge of this stage of their lives. Then, they will attain an understanding of the truth and live out the semblance of a human being, possess a God-fearing heart, and do less and less evil” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Spreading the Gospel Is the Duty to Which All Believers Are Honor-Bound). Reflecting on God’s words, I gradually calmed down, and I realized that my illness had not yet truly endangered my life, and that it was just some pain in my chest. I considered my desire to shirk my duty due to physical discomfort. In what way had I been loyal and submissive to God? I had been so selfish! I hadn’t focused on seeking the truth or experiencing God’s work, and had missed many opportunities to gain the truth. Now I couldn’t afford to miss any more of these opportunities. I must accept and submit, and truly experience this environment. Even if I got infected with COVID-19 again, it was a suffering I must endure, and I must do my duty to satisfy God. When I thought this way, my heart felt liberated, and was no longer bound or constrained by negative emotions. After putting my heart into the performance of my duty, I felt grounded and at peace.