By Claire, Myanmar

Not long after I accepted God’s work of the last days, I began to practice watering newcomers. Because I was enthusiastic, proactive and produced results in my duty, I was selected as group leader. Later, I became a gospel deacon. My brothers and sisters said that although I was young, I was quite reliable, I bore a burden in my duty, and I was responsible. This really satisfied my vanity. In October 2020, I became a church leader. This made me feel even more that I was someone capable, who pursued the truth.

After a while, an upper leader arranged for Sister Olivia to work with me. While I was introducing the situation of the church to her, the leader talked about some problems that existed in the church. After she heard about this, Olivia said, “We have to find the root of the problem and solve it quickly. Otherwise, it will hinder the work of the church.” I felt ashamed when I heard her say this, because I worried Olivia would look down on me as these problems existed in my work. Over the next few days, Olivia got to know how the brothers and sisters did their duties in the church. Then, in front of several co-workers and my brothers and sisters she said to me, “The gospel deacon and several of the group leaders I met in the past two days don’t bear a burden. When newcomers have notions and difficulties, the group leaders don’t know how to resolve them and don’t actively explore them, instead becoming mired in difficulties. They can’t water the newcomers well like this.” I felt a little resistant when I heard what she said because there were several group leaders I focused on cultivating. Hearing her speak about them like this made it seem like not one of them was working well. I felt like she might be demanding too much. I thought, “You just arrived and don’t understand the specifics of the situation, yet you’ve started picking at faults. Do you want to show that you bear a burden and can find problems? Are you just trying to make an impression because you’re new here? If you keep digging into the problems of my work, won’t you destroy my good image in the eyes of my brothers and sisters?” I held back my anger and said, “You’re right about these problems. However, both the group leaders and the gospel deacon are facing actual difficulties, so sometimes the follow-up work isn’t done well, and we have to show understanding.” After hearing this, she said, “These difficulties can be resolved by fellowship on the truth. If they can accept the truth and understand God’s intention, they will bear a burden and be responsible in their duty. The key is whether we fellowship on the truth to solve these problems.” I became even more angry, thinking, “Are you saying I am not capable of solving these problems through fellowship of the truth?” My view of Olivia completely changed. I no longer thought of her as my partner or someone who could help me, but instead as my opponent. I thought, “If this continues, she will take the lead in work sooner or later. I am the leader, and she is just here to cooperate with me. She is better than me in every way, and always embarrasses me. How can I have any dignity like this? And what will my brothers and sisters think of me?” After that, I didn’t want to work with her anymore, and I didn’t want to talk to her.

Once, at a co-worker meeting, we read God’s word revealing that false leaders do not do real work. Olivia reflected and shared her understanding of herself, saying she had been at the church for some time now, but because she hadn’t done any real work, the newcomers’ difficulties couldn’t be resolved in time. She said this was causing them to constantly live with their difficulties, and that they didn’t know how to practice the truth, which was delaying their growth in life. Although Olivia was discussing self-knowledge, to me, it sounded like she was exposing me for not doing any real work. I began to guess at what she meant, “You’re talking about these problems to deliberately let everyone know about the problems in my work, aren’t you? The brothers and sisters had a good impression of me before, but now that you’ve exposed me like this, it’s like you’re deliberately damaging my image, isn’t it? What will they think of me now?” At the time, I was very resistant and wanted to leave, but I felt it was irrational to do so, so I forced myself to stay until the end. That evening, Olivia came to me to discuss who bore a burden that we could cultivate into a watering team leader. After she asked me this, I felt very resistant and thought, “Are there any suitable candidates left? You’ve rejected all the good ones. You openly discuss the problems that exist in our church not only here, but even in front of brothers and sisters from other churches. Now other churches know that I don’t do real work. Why don’t you consider my feelings before you speak? I think you’re deliberately targeting me!” I said sternly, “Ever since you came, no one else has borne a burden!” She answered me in a low voice, “So do you mean I shouldn’t be here?” I realized I was too impulsive, and shouldn’t have said that, so I immediately replied, “No.” We were both silent for a while before we continued discussing work. Later, when I thought about what I said to my sister, I felt a little guilty. The fact that Olivia had discovered problems in our work showed she could bear a burden. How could I speak to her like that? I wanted to apologize to her after the discussion was over, but as soon as I got busy with work, I forgot about it.

Later, when I saw the upper leader consult Olivia on all matters, I felt very uncomfortable: “I’m also a leader. What will my brothers and sisters think of me? Will they say I’m useless as a leader, and that I’m unnecessary?” I felt Olivia was stealing my limelight, and I was jealous of her. I thought, “If she hadn’t come here, the leader would be discussing work with me.” I also thought about the fact that Olivia now dominated all the work, and she had believed in God for a long time and understood more truth than I did. She had also pointed out the problems in my work in front of my brothers and sisters, so I had no idea what my brothers and sisters thought of me now. When I thought about these things, I felt a sense of crisis. I was worried Olivia would steal my position. The more I thought about it, the more dissatisfied I became, and I had the desire to take revenge on her: “You don’t care about my feelings, so I won’t make things easy for you from now on.” I remember once, we were discussing work, and after Olivia expressed her opinion, she asked for my advice. I ignored her and found fault with her work arrangements, saying this wouldn’t work and that wouldn’t work to deliberately make things hard for her. Once, we were discussing a job that Olivia was mainly responsible for. At that time, I clearly understood how to solve the problem, but I didn’t want to make any suggestions. I even thought, “It’s better if your arrangements fail. That way, everyone will know you can’t handle things, and the leader will see it’s wrong to always talk to you instead of me.” After that, she made several suggestions, all of which I rejected. When I saw that she didn’t know how to solve it and wanted me to give her some advice, I secretly felt delighted, “You can’t even arrange work like this properly, and you still have the gall to point fingers at my work.” The leader saw that my behavior wasn’t right and reminded me that I had to work harmoniously with Olivia, otherwise the work of the church would be delayed. After hearing my leader’s words, deep down I felt a little guilty. When we were stuck in our work, I didn’t bear the burden to resolve it. Instead, I stood by and made fun. I wasn’t safeguarding the church’s work at all. After realizing this, I adjusted my mentality and participated in discussions. But due to the previous delay, the work arrangements were carried out very late.

One night, the leader came to me to point out my problems. She said, “Your desire for prestige and status is too strong. You’ve been competing with Olivia for fame. When discussing work, you don’t accept any views she puts forward. You refute them all. Olivia feels constrained by you, and she doesn’t know how to cooperate with you. You need to do some self-reflection.” After hearing what my leader said, I felt very sad and aggrieved: “Why was Olivia reporting my problems behind my back? If she really wanted to help me, she could tell me in person. Now the leader knows about my problems and might dismiss me.” As soon as I thought of this, I opened up about my state with the leader. I even offered to accept responsibility and resign, so as not to keep delaying the work of the church. As I spoke about resigning, it nearly broke my heart. I felt like I was about to lose my duty. The leader fellowshipped with me and said, “When we have problems, we can’t avoid them. We need to seek truth and reflect on ourselves. The fact that Olivia can find problems in work shows that she can bear a burden. Isn’t this beneficial to the work of the church? Why can’t you treat it correctly? You are always jealous of her and afraid she will surpass you. This shows your desire for status is too strong.” After my leader’s fellowship, I realized that my desire for prestige and status really was too strong. I had to seek the truth to resolve my state. I could no longer feel negative and resistant.

After that, I read a passage of God’s words, and I gained some understanding of the corrupt disposition that I had shown. God’s words say: “Antichrists think that whoever exposes them is simply giving them a hard time, so they compete and fight with anyone who exposes them. Due to this kind of nature of antichrists, they will never be kind to anyone who prunes them, nor will they tolerate or put up with anyone who does so, much less will they feel gratitude or praise anyone who does so. On the contrary, if anyone prunes them and makes them lose dignity and face, they will harbor hatred for this person in their hearts, and will want to find an opportunity to take revenge on them. What hatred they have for others! This is what they think, and they will say openly in front of others, ‘Today you have pruned me, well, now our feud is written in stone. You go your way, and I’ll go mine, but I swear I’ll get my revenge! If you confess your fault to me, bow your head to me, or kneel down and beg me, I will forgive you, otherwise I will never let this go!’ No matter what antichrists say or do, they never see anyone’s kind pruning of them or anyone’s sincere help as the arrival of God’s love and salvation. Instead, they see it as a sign of humiliation, and as the moment when they were most shamed. This shows that antichrists do not accept the truth at all, that their disposition is one of being averse to and hating the truth” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Eight)). God revealed that when antichrists are pruned, they not only don’t accept it, but also start to hate the person who pruned them and want to retaliate. I saw that antichrists don’t accept the truth, they are averse to the truth, and they hate the truth. In the past, when I saw the word “revenge” I thought this approach was vicious. I didn’t believe I manifested viciousness and could do these types of things. Only antichrists and evil people would take revenge on others. I thought back to my own behavior, wasn’t it the same as the antichrists’? When Olivia pointed out the problems in my work in front of my co-workers, brothers and sisters, I felt that my image was damaged, so I developed a bias and resistance toward her. During a meeting, Olivia realized that she didn’t do real work based on God’s words, and I felt she was deliberately exposing problems in my work by discussing her self-knowledge, so my bias against her only grew. I even attacked her, saying no one else bore a burden since she came. When I saw the leader always discussing work with her, I felt my limelight had been stolen. To retaliate against her, I didn’t express my suggestions when we discussed work, and when Olivia expressed her thoughts and suggestions, I found faults and denied her, which made it impossible for work to progress. I regarded my sister as a rival. To maintain my reputation and status, I could even attack and retaliate against her. Wasn’t the disposition I revealed the same as the disposition of an antichrist? Beyond that, I thought about the fact that she was pointing out actual problems in my work. If I had sought the truth to reflect on myself and reverse the deviations, then the problems could have been quickly solved. That would have been beneficial to our work. But not only did I not accept it, I also wanted to retaliate against my sister. I really didn’t deserve to be called a believer in God!

Later, I read two more passages of God’s word that made me understand the essence and consequences of this behavior. God’s words say: “One of the main strains in the nature of antichrists is viciousness. What does ‘viciousness’ mean? It means that they have a particularly vile attitude regarding the truth—not only failing to submit to it, and not only refusing to accept it, but even condemning those who prune them. That is the vicious disposition of antichrists. Antichrists think that whoever accepts being pruned is vulnerable to bullying, and that people who are always pruning others are those who wish always to tease and bully people. So, an antichrist will resist whoever prunes them, and they will give that person a hard time. And whoever brings up an antichrist’s deficiencies or corruption, or fellowships with them about the truth and God’s intentions, or has them know themselves, they think that person is giving them a hard time and finds them displeasing. They hate that person from the bottom of their heart, and they will take revenge on them and make things hard for them. … What sort of people are possessed of such a vicious disposition? Evil people. The fact is that antichrists are evil people. Therefore, it is only evil people and antichrists who are possessed of such a vicious disposition. When a vicious person is faced with any kind of well-intentioned exhortation, accusation, teaching or help, their attitude is not to be grateful or accept it humbly, but instead to become enraged from shame, and to feel extreme hostility, hatred, and to even retaliate” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Eight)). “Antichrists consider their own status and reputation as more important than anything else. These people are not only deceitful, cunning, and wicked, but also extremely vicious. What do they do when they detect that their status is at risk, or when they lose their place in people’s hearts, when they lose these people’s endorsement and affection, when people no longer venerate and look up to them, and they have fallen into ignominy? They suddenly change. As soon as they lose their status, they become unwilling to perform any duty, everything they do is perfunctory, and they have no interest in doing anything. But this isn’t the worst manifestation. What is the worst manifestation? As soon as these people lose their status, and no one looks up to them, and no one is misled by them, out comes the hate, jealousy, and revenge. They not only have no God-fearing hearts, but also lack any shred of submission. In their hearts, furthermore, they are liable to hate God’s house, the church, and the leaders and workers; they long for the work of the church to run into problems or come to a standstill; they want to laugh at the church, and at the brothers and sisters. They also hate anyone who pursues the truth and fears God. They attack and mock anyone who is loyal in their duty and willing to pay a price. This is the disposition of the antichrists—and is it not vicious? These are clearly evil people; antichrists are in their essence evil people” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Two)). Seeing words like “vicious” and “evil people” was scary and distressing. I didn’t expect these words to apply to me. My image was damaged because Olivia pointed out the problems in my work. I attacked and retaliated against her, deliberately embarrassing her when discussing work, and picking at faults in her work arrangements. I didn’t even explain when I knew how to solve a problem she had in her work because I wanted to embarrass her and laugh at her. When the leader exposed and pruned me, I not only didn’t reflect on myself, but also hated her for reporting my problems. I was negative and resistant, took out my anger on my duty, and even wanted to resign and stop doing my duty. What I manifested was the same as an antichrist, a vicious disposition! What I believed in were “I will not attack unless I am attacked” and “If you are unkind to me, I’ll do wrong to you.” When anyone affected my interests and image, I hated them, attacked them, and retaliated against them. I recalled a time before I believed in God, when I had a conflict with a friend, and she spoke badly about me to someone else. I got very angry, and I thought, “If you are unkind to me, I’ll do wrong to you.” I surreptitiously said to that same other person, “How can you be so stupid? What are you doing being so kind to her? You don’t even know that she’s saying bad things about you behind your back!” I thought I was weak if I didn’t strike back after being bullied. Living by these philosophies made me selfish and vicious, distorted my thinking, and made me unable to discern good and evil. Recognizing this, I felt I was terrible. If I didn’t deal with my viciousness, I could only do more evil, and then I would be spurned and eliminated by God! I prayed to God silently, “God, through the judgment and revelation of Your word I can see my humanity is poor and I am quite vicious. I want to repent and practice the truth to change myself. Please guide me.”

Later, in God’s word, I read: “When anyone spends a little time supervising or observing you, or gets to understand you on a deep level, trying to have a heart-to-heart with you and find out what your state has been like during this time, and even sometimes when their attitude is a little harsher, and they prune, discipline, and reproach you a bit, this is all because they have a conscientious and responsible attitude toward the work of the house of God. You should not have any negative thoughts or emotions toward this. What does it mean if you can accept it when others supervise, observe, and try to understand you? That, in your heart, you accept the scrutiny of God. If you do not accept people’s supervision, observation, and attempts to understand you—if you push back against all this—are you able to accept the scrutiny of God? The scrutiny of God is more detailed, in-depth, and accurate than when people try to understand you; God’s requirements are more specific, exacting, and in-depth. If you cannot accept being supervised by God’s chosen people, are your claims that you can accept God’s scrutiny not empty words? For you to be able to accept God’s scrutiny and examination, you must first accept being supervised by the house of God, the leaders and workers, or the brothers and sisters” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (7)). “No matter what problems you have or what corruption you reveal, you should always reflect on and know yourself in the light of God’s words or ask brothers and sisters to point these things out to you. What is most important is that you should accept God’s scrutiny, come before God, and ask Him to enlighten and illuminate you. No matter what method you use, discovering problems early and then resolving them is the effect achieved by self-reflection, and this is the best thing you can do. You must not wait until God has revealed and eliminated you before you feel remorse, as it will be too late to regret!” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Seven: They Are Wicked, Insidious, and Deceitful (Part One)). Only after reading God’s words did I realize that the supervision and guidance that my brothers and sisters give me is only because they are serious and responsible about the work. I should accept it from God and learn to accept and obey. Only this is accepting God’s scrutiny and having a heart that fears God. When my sister discovered my problems and pointed them out to me, this was meant to help and assist me. My life experience was too shallow. The newcomers had problems in their duties, but I couldn’t fellowship on the truth to solve them, and many times, I simply arranged work to get it finished and left it at that, without later follow-up or assistance. The work hadn’t achieved any results. I didn’t grasp the principles of arranging personnel and the unsuitability of some people was hard to avoid. Olivia understood some truth and could see some matters clearly, so if we had cooperated in church work, it wouldn’t just have helped the work, but I also could have learned from her and improved. Only then did I understand why God required us to cooperate in our duties, rather than doing them alone. It is because people have corrupt dispositions and many faults. We need to supervise each other, guide each other, and help each other. This is the only way to avoid mistakes. Thinking of this, I felt especially guilty. I could no longer live for prestige and status. I had to learn to let go of myself, accept the supervision and guidance of others, cooperate with my sister, seek the truth and solve problems at work together, and properly perform my duty.

After that, I was sent to another church to do my duty. Being separated from Olivia, I felt I had many regrets. So, I silently prayed to God, saying from now on, I wanted to properly do my duty and focus on fixing my corrupt dispositions. Once, I asked Sister Esther, who was in charge of watering, to explain how the newcomer gatherings were going. Esther gave me some advice, “You always go to other gatherings, and rarely come to newcomer gatherings, which makes it seem as though the leader is absent. None of the brothers and sisters know you. It is not easy for you to follow up on their work, or resolve their states and difficulties.” Hearing her say that left me stunned, and I felt my cheeks burning red. I thought, “How can you call me an absent leader? Don’t you mean to say that I don’t do actual work and that I’m useless? You’re too harsh! It’s not like I’m not working, I’m following up on other work. Since you’re in charge of this group, you should be responsible for it. It doesn’t have to be me who does everything. If the upper leaders hear your words, won’t they think I don’t do actual work? This won’t do. I need to find some deviations in your work to talk about.” When I thought that, I realized my state was incorrect. My sister was pointing out problems in my work, and instead of accepting and reflecting, I thought she was too harsh, and wanted to find problems in her work to refute her. I was refusing to accept the truth and trying to retaliate again. I immediately silently prayed to God, “God, Esther pointed out an issue to me and I was resistant in my heart, which goes against Your intention. I wish to accept, obey and reflect on myself.” After I prayed, I reflected and realized that I actually did have a problem. I was very dependent on Esther. I felt that with her in charge of watering newcomers, I could relax, so I took a hands-off approach. As a church leader, I seldom got to know the real states and difficulties of the newcomers. I wasn’t fulfilling my responsibilities. This really was a manifestation of not doing actual work. After that, I said to Esther, “I didn’t realize this problem existed before, but I want to change it.” Later, I got in real touch with the newcomers and attended their gatherings and offered fellowship to resolve their states. Doing my duty this way, I felt very at ease.

Through this experience, I realized that by practicing according to God’s word and learning to accept my brothers and sisters’ supervision, guidance, and pruning, I could genuinely achieve some change. Thanks be to God!