By Marissa, Netherlands

In 2017, I was elected to be a church leader. At first, I produced some results in my duty, but later on, I craved the blessing of status and stopped doing actual work. I also didn’t follow up with church work using the excuse that I had poor caliber and couldn’t understand professional skills. When Sister Julia, an upper leader, asked me about the work, I couldn’t answer her at all, nor did I understand the actual difficulties brothers and sisters faced in doing their duties. Julia then pointed out my problems to help me, but I didn’t turn around. There were a couple of times when, in front of several deacons, she exposed me, saying I didn’t do actual work, was slacking off in my duty, was too deceitful, and so on. I thought Julia was trying to give me a hard time and embarrass me in front of others, so I became resistant in my heart.

Once during a gathering, I found some mistakes in Julia’s work, so I judged her in front of the brothers and sisters. This caused them to mistakenly think she was a false leader. What I did disturbed the church’s work. After the matter was exposed, I worried that my leader would prune me and adjust my duty, so I hurried to apologize to Julia and dissected and reflected on myself in front of the brothers and sisters. I thought this matter would pass just like that. But to my surprise, a few days later my upper leaders approached me, saying that my failure to do actual work was already seriously negligent, and that I also didn’t accept being pruned and secretly undermined others. This was disrupting the church’s work. After hearing that, I had a hard time accepting it and kept arguing in my heart: It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do actual work, but my caliber was too poor to do it. As for secretly undermining others, I had already acknowledged my mistake. I apologized to Julia and dissected my corruption in front of the brothers and sisters. So, why would you still hold on tightly to this matter? At that time, no matter how they fellowshipped with me, I could not accept it. So based on my state, one of the leaders read these words of God to me: “Those among brothers and sisters who are always giving vent to their negativity are lackeys of Satan, and they disturb the church. Such people must one day be expelled and eliminated. In their belief in God, if people do not have a God-fearing heart, if they do not have a heart of submission to God, then not only will they be unable to do any work for Him, but on the contrary will become those who disturb His work and who resist Him. Believing in God but not submitting to or fearing Him, and instead resisting Him, is the greatest disgrace for a believer. If believers are just as casual and unrestrained in their speech and conduct as nonbelievers are, then they are even more wicked than nonbelievers; they are archetypal demons. Those who give vent to their poisonous, malicious talk within the church, who spread rumors, foment disharmony, and form cliques among the brothers and sisters—they should have been expelled from the church. Yet because now is a different era of God’s work, these people are restricted, for they are decidedly to be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. A Warning to Those Who Do Not Practice the Truth). The more I listened, the more afraid I felt in my heart, knowing that judging Julia had indeed caused disturbances to the church work. But when I heard words like, “lackeys of Satan,” “disturb the church,” “be expelled,” and “be eliminated,” I didn’t dare to acknowledge them, fearing that if I did, wouldn’t I be condemned as a result? Then how could I ever gain salvation? I didn’t want to accept this fact, so I complained about the leader, thinking that she was intentionally using God’s words to attack and condemn me. I became really emotional and said, “You’re not fellowshipping the truth to help me solve the problem at all! You’re just attacking me!” The leaders realized that I didn’t have any knowledge about myself, and kept fellowshipping to help me. They also fellowshipped on their own experiences to guide me in understanding myself. However, no matter what they said, I still had no understanding. Eventually, when they saw that I wasn’t doing any actual work, that I also didn’t accept the truth, and didn’t even have an attitude of repentance, the upper leaders dismissed me.

At that moment, I suddenly went limp. I thought about how I had been a believer in God for more than ten years, and wasn’t a new believer of just two or three years. God’s work is now approaching its conclusion. It’s already the time to reveal and classify people according to their kind. At this critical juncture, I was revealed as someone who does not accept the truth. Doesn’t this mean I have been eliminated? I feared that from this point onward, it would be useless for me to try harder in my faith and that I would have no future. I felt so negative. My state worsened every day. I felt like a good-for-nothing who couldn’t do any duty well. Constantly feeling abandoned by God, my heart was filled with fear and restlessness every day. Even though brothers and sisters continued to fellowship with me about God’s intention, urging me to reflect on myself and learn from my failure, I stubbornly believed that I had already been revealed as someone who didn’t pursue the truth, so I thought it would be a waste of time to pursue further. From then on, no matter what duties the church assigned me, I approached them with negativity and passivity, being perfunctory and achieving little to no results. Finally, based on principles, my leaders stopped my duties and isolated me for reflection. At that moment, my mind went blank; it felt like a death sentence. I realized I was completely finished. Without a duty, how could there be any hope for me to attain salvation? During those days, I lived like a walking corpse, often feeling that I was spurned by God. I felt too ashamed to pray, and I didn’t feel worthy to read God’s words. At that time, there were brothers and sisters who supported me and read God’s words to me. However, I believed that God’s words were for those who pursued the truth, not for me, so I couldn’t take them in whatsoever. Hadn’t the Lord Jesus said, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs”? How could God speak to someone like me? During that time, I felt afraid and restless every day. If God had truly abandoned me, what was the point of my existence? I might as well die from some punishment one day. My heart was filled with fear, struggling in torment every day. Later, something happened that deeply moved me.

I found a nursing job where my employer displayed good humanity and took good care of me in life. Encouraged by this, I shared the gospel with my employer, who joyfully accepted God’s gospel of the last days. I was very excited. Through this experience, I realized that God had not abandoned me but had continued to show mercy and save me. Overwhelmed with guilt, I cried out to God in tears, “God, I don’t want to remain negative like this; please save me!” I saw a passage of God’s words that says: “When some people read God’s words and see God condemning people in His words, they form notions and feel conflicted. For example, God’s words say that you don’t accept the truth, so God doesn’t like you or accept you, that you are an evildoer, an antichrist, that He gets upset just looking at you and that He doesn’t want you. People read these words and think, ‘These words are aimed at me. God has determined that He doesn’t want me, and since God has abandoned me, I won’t believe in God anymore either.’ There are those who, when reading God’s words, often develop notions and misunderstandings because God exposes people’s corrupt states and says some things condemning people. They become negative and weak, thinking that God’s words were directed at them, that God is giving up on them and won’t save them. They become negative to the point of tears and don’t want to follow God anymore. This is actually a misunderstanding of God. When you do not understand the meaning of God’s words, you should not try to delineate God. You don’t know what kind of person God abandons, or under what circumstances He gives up on people, or under what circumstances He puts people aside; there are principles and contexts to all of this. If you don’t have full insight into these detailed matters, you’ll be very prone to hypersensitivity and you’ll delimit yourself based on one word from God. Isn’t that problematic? When God judges people, what is the chief aspect of them that He condemns? What God judges and exposes are people’s corrupt dispositions and corrupt essences, He condemns their satanic dispositions and satanic natures, He condemns the various manifestations and behaviors of their rebellion and opposition to God, He condemns them for being unable to submit to God, for always opposing God, and for always having their own motivations and aims—but such condemnation does not mean that God has abandoned people with satanic dispositions. … Hearing a single statement of condemnation from God, you think that, having been condemned by God, people have been abandoned by God, and will no longer be saved, and because of this you become negative, and abandon yourself to despair. This is misinterpreting God. In fact, God has not abandoned people. They have misinterpreted God and abandoned themselves. Nothing is more critical than when people abandon themselves, as fulfilled in the words of the Old Testament: ‘Fools die for want of wisdom’ (Proverbs 10:21). No behavior is more stupid than when people abandon themselves to despair. Sometimes you read God’s words that seem to delineate people; in fact, they are not delineating anyone, but are the expression of God’s intentions and opinions. These are words of truth and principle, they are not delineating anyone. The words uttered by God during times of anger or rage also represent God’s disposition, these words are the truth, and, moreover, belong to principle. People must understand this. God’s purpose in saying this is to allow people to understand the truth, and to understand the principles; it is absolutely not to delimit anyone. This has nothing to do with people’s ultimate destination and reward, much less are they people’s ultimate punishment. These are merely words spoken to judge and prune people, they are the result of anger at people not living up to His expectations, and they are spoken in order to wake people up, to prompt them, and they are words from God’s heart. And yet, some people fall down and forsake God because of a single statement of judgment from God. People like this don’t know what’s good for them, they are impervious to reason, they do not accept the truth at all” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Resolving One’s Notions Can One Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God (1)). I kept reading God’s words again and again, unable to stop myself from shedding tears of self-blame. It felt as if God was comforting me face to face, especially when God said: “These are merely words spoken to judge and prune people, they are the result of anger at people not living up to His expectations, and they are spoken in order to wake people up, to prompt them, and they are words from God’s heart. And yet, some people fall down and forsake God because of a single statement of judgment from God. People like this don’t know what’s good for them, they are impervious to reason, they do not accept the truth at all.” God’s words awakened me. Reflecting on my attitude toward God’s words, I realized that when the leader read me words of exposure and condemnation from God, I felt convicted. My heart was too resistant to accept the judgment and exposure in God’s words. At this point, I finally understood that even though God’s words are harsh, they are intended to help us know ourselves, repent, and change. The leader exposed me because the severity of my actions warranted it, but my stubborn disposition prevented me from admitting the fact. Even after being dismissed, I didn’t come to my senses, mistakenly believing that God was revealing and eliminating me. I remained trapped in a negative state, giving up on myself and succumbing to despair. The more I reflected on myself, the more remorseful I became, hating my stubbornness and rebelliousness. I realized how little I truly understood God’s work. I recalled God’s words that said: “By what means is God’s perfection of man accomplished? It is accomplished by means of His righteous disposition. God’s disposition primarily consists of righteousness, wrath, majesty, judgment, and curse, and He perfects man primarily by means of His judgment. Some people do not understand, and ask why it is that God is only able to make man perfect through judgment and curse. They say, ‘If God were to curse man, wouldn’t man die? If God were to judge man, wouldn’t man be condemned? Then how can he still be made perfect?’ Such are the words of people who do not know the work of God. What God curses is the rebelliousness of man, and what He judges are the sins of man. Although He speaks harshly and relentlessly, He exposes all that is within man, exposing through these stern words that which is substantive within man, yet through such judgment, He gives man a profound knowledge of the substance of the flesh, and thus man submits before God. The flesh of man is of sin and of Satan, it is rebellious, and it is the object of God’s chastisement. Thus, in order to allow man to know himself, the words of God’s judgment must befall him and there must be employed every kind of refinement; only then can God’s work be effective” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only by Experiencing Painful Trials Can You Know the Loveliness of God). I had read this passage of God’s words many times before, yet why did I still fail to understand God’s intention? In the last days, God’s work aims to purify and save mankind through words of judgment and chastisement. Mankind has been so deeply corrupted by Satan that without God’s words of judgment and exposure, we could never truly recognize the essence and reality of our corruption, let alone achieve genuine repentance and transformation. But I fallaciously believed that when God judged and exposed us, it meant condemnation and eternal elimination, implying that we could never have a good outcome and destination. My understanding was absurd and misguided. I knew so little about God’s work and His sincere intentions in saving mankind. I recalled what God had said before: “At all times, God’s intention to save man never changes” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique VI). Not until today did I realize how practical those words were. God saves mankind to the fullest extent, and He will not easily give up on anyone unless they themselves choose to abandon the pursuit of truth. I couldn’t help but ask myself honestly, “If God didn’t want to save me, based on my actions, wouldn’t I have already been eliminated by Him? If that were true, would it be necessary for Him to judge and expose me, arrange circumstances to reveal my corruption, and guide and enlighten me to reflect and understand myself? Brothers and sisters pruned me and warned me to help me turn back and reflect on myself. Weren’t these actions exactly God’s practical and genuine salvation? However, I didn’t understand the ways in which God saves mankind, nor did I recognize His love. Instead, I misunderstood God and lived in negativity, resisting Him. How unreasonable I was!” As I thought about this, my long-numb heart finally started to feel something, and I deeply regretted my actions. I prayed to God, “God, in the future, no matter what setbacks or failures I encounter, I don’t want to misunderstand You anymore. I am willing to seriously reflect on myself, learn lessons, diligently pursue the truth, and fulfill my duties well for the rest of my life, so that I can attain true repentance.”

Later, I wrote an article about my experiences during that period. A sister read it and sent me some words of God and reminded me, saying, “You should reflect on the reasons why you were pruned. Reflect on each problem the leaders exposed and use the related truths to resolve them. Only then can you truly address these issues.” So I quieted down and reflected on myself: Why did the leaders say that I didn’t accept the truth? What behaviors showed my refusal to accept the truth? Recalling my time as a leader, I realized that whenever I faced difficulties, I prioritized my own flesh. I avoided putting in effort or paying a price to seek the truth for solutions. I even resorted to deceitful tactics, believing that seeking the truth to solve problems would be too exhausting and nerve-racking. If I used my poor caliber as an excuse to pass the problem to the upper leaders, I could avoid the trouble. Even if the problems couldn’t be solved ultimately, I wouldn’t have to bear any responsibility. I remembered once when I reported work problems to my leaders, they responded, “When you encounter problems, you don’t make any effort to solve them. Instead, you treat the difficulties like a burden and pass them on to others. If you had sought the truth regarding your difficulties, you would have had your own ideas on how to resolve them.” Upon hearing this, instead of reflecting on myself, I became angry: What’s wrong with reporting problems? How could you say that I didn’t seek the truth when facing difficulties? I argued back silently in my heart. As I thought about this, I suddenly realized that these were exactly how I didn’t seek or accept the truth. I also recalled how Julia had pointed out my issues numerous times and exposed them during fellowship. Rather than reflecting on myself, I harbored resentment and sought retaliation. I dwelt on her mistakes at work, and judged and undermined her behind her, disturbing church life. When my misconduct was exposed, in order to evade responsibility, I insincerely apologized to Julia, and laid bare and knew myself in front of brothers and sisters, attempting to minimize the severity of the issue. When the leaders exposed my behavior according to God’s words, I admitted them in my heart but didn’t verbally acknowledge them. Yet, unreasonably, I accused the leaders of using God’s words to attack and condemn me. Weren’t all these actions manifestations of my refusal to accept the truth? Later, as I read more of God’s words, it allowed me to gain a clearer understanding of my inner state. God’s words say: “If you wish to be cleansed of corruption and undergo a change in your life disposition, then you must have a love for the truth and the ability to accept the truth. What does it mean to accept the truth? Accepting the truth means that no matter what sort of corrupt disposition you have, or which of the great red dragon’s poisons—Satan’s poisons—are in your nature, when God’s words expose these things, you should admit to them and submit, you can’t make a different choice, and you should know yourself according to God’s words. This means being able to accept God’s words and accept the truth. No matter what God says, no matter how severe His utterances are, and no matter what words He uses, you can accept them as long as what He says is the truth, and you can acknowledge them as long as they conform to reality. You can submit to God’s words regardless of how deeply you understand them, and you accept and submit to the light that is revealed by the Holy Spirit and fellowshipped by your brothers and sisters. When such a person has pursued the truth to a certain point, they can obtain the truth and achieve a transformation of their disposition. Even if people who don’t love the truth have a bit of humanity, can do some good deeds, and can forsake and expend for God, they are confused about the truth and don’t treat it seriously, so their life disposition never changes” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Know Man’s Nature). From God’s words, I came to understand that for someone who accepts the truth, their attitude toward God’s words should be unconditional admission, acceptance, and submission. Regardless of whether God’s words are harsh or gentle, whether they involve judgment and exposure or exhortation and comfort, one should always accept and submit. This is the reason that a person should have. Sometimes we may struggle to recognize the state exposed by God’s words, but we should maintain an attitude of acceptance and submission. At the very least, we should believe that God’s words are truth, that His exposures are factual, revealing the hidden aspects of our corrupt disposition, and we should say “Amen” to God’s words. However, though I clearly knew God’s words were exposing my exact state, I didn’t accept it, and even unreasonably accused the leaders of using God’s words to condemn me and make me negative. Not only did I fail to accept the judgment and exposure of God’s words, but I also deflected responsibility onto others. I truly did not accept the truth at all. How unreasonable I was! Even when positive things like suggestions, help, and pruning from brothers and sisters came upon me, I couldn’t accept them from God and submit to them. Instead, I accused those who pruned and exposed me. The more I reflected on myself, the more I realized my lack of humanity and felt deeply ashamed. I admitted from the bottom of my heart that I was not someone who accepted the truth.

Later, I revisited the words of God that my leaders had shared with me and contemplated and pray-read them. God’s words say: “People who always play tricks in their words and actions, and who are always slippery and shirking responsibility in the performance of their duties, are those who do not accept the truth at all. They do not have the work of the Holy Spirit, which is like living in a quagmire, in darkness. No matter how they grope, no matter how hard they try, they can neither see the light nor find a direction. They perform their duties without inspiration and without God’s guidance, hitting a wall in many matters, and they are unwittingly revealed while doing some things” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only in Performing the Duty of a Created Being Well Is There Value in Living). “Those among brothers and sisters who are always giving vent to their negativity are lackeys of Satan, and they disturb the church. Such people must one day be expelled and eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. A Warning to Those Who Do Not Practice the Truth). Through God’s words, I realized that I was indeed someone who was deceitful in their duties, slippery and shirking responsibilities. I lacked loyalty toward God. Whenever I encountered problems and difficulties, I constantly prioritized my own comfort. I was unwilling to exert effort and pay a price to seek the truth and resolve issues. Instead, I frequently passed problems to the upper leaders to avoid trouble for myself, using my poor caliber as an excuse to absolve myself from blame for not doing actual work. How selfish and deceitful I was! I habitually performed my duties perfunctorily and irresponsibly, thus I could not receive guidance and enlightenment from the Holy Spirit, nor could I discover any problems. When the leader pruned me, instead of reflecting on myself, I felt resentful because I was embarrassed. To vent my personal spite, I judged and condemned her behind her back, which disturbed church work. Considering my evil deeds, weren’t these the very behaviors God exposed as being “lackeys of Satan,” and “disturbing the church”? But why didn’t I know myself at that time? Reflecting on my attitude toward God and His words, as well as all my transgressions, I felt overwhelming remorse and self-hatred. I came before God and prayed, “God, I’ve been so rebellious. I’m willing to repent. I don’t want to misunderstand You anymore. I believe that everything You do is for the sake of cleansing and saving me!” After praying, I felt deeply touched. In my heart, I said to God, “God, from now on, I will never leave You again. The days of being far from You are too painful.” From that moment on, my negative state completely changed. I actively participated in fellowship, felt motivated to do my duties, and started writing experiential testimony articles. Every day, I could truly feel my state improving. It was like a patient with a severe illness beginning to recover day by day. For nearly a year without a duty, I had lived in a state of misunderstanding and defensiveness toward God, feeling fearful and restless in my heart. Having fully experienced the agony of losing the work of the Holy Spirit, today I finally emerged from my negative state. This is all thanks to God’s immense mercy and salvation. Shortly after, I received a message from the leader telling me to come back to the church to do my duties. Upon reading it, I was so touched that I couldn’t find any words to say, but I kept thanking God repeatedly.

Knowing my tendency to rationalize when things happen to me, I turned to God’s words and sought the truth related to my state. One day, my heart was deeply moved as I read this in God’s words. God’s words say: “There is a reason why God is so profoundly wrathful toward one person or one type of person. This reason is not determined by the preference of God, but by that person’s attitude toward the truth. When a person is averse to the truth, this is undoubtedly fatal to their attaining salvation. This is not something that can or cannot be forgiven, it is not a form of behavior, or something that is fleetingly revealed in them. It is the nature essence of a person, and God is most sickened by such people. If you occasionally reveal the corruption of being averse to the truth, you must examine, based on God’s words, whether these revelations are due to your antipathy toward the truth or from a lack of understanding of the truth. This requires seeking, and it requires God’s enlightenment and help. If your nature essence is such that you are averse to the truth, and you never accept the truth, and are particularly repulsed by it and hostile to it, then there is trouble. You are assuredly an evil person, and God will not save you” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). From God’s words, I came to understand why God is so profoundly wrathful toward some people. It’s because they are averse to the truth and reject it. God is the One who expresses the truth. Our attitude toward the truth represents our attitude toward God. Being averse to and hating the truth is tantamount to standing on the opposite side of God and becoming God’s enemy. A person with a nature that is averse to the truth and hates God definitely won’t accept the truth. For this type of person, no matter how much they reveal their corrupt dispositions or how much they are pruned, they never repent. No matter how many years they believe in God, their corrupt disposition never changes, and eventually, they will surely be spurned and eliminated by God. Just like Paul, whose nature was averse to and hated the truth, he never reflected on himself. As a result, after many years of working, he remained arrogant and selfish. His corrupt disposition had not changed a bit, so he was condemned and punished by God in the end. In Paul, I saw a reflection of myself. I didn’t pursue the truth, nor did I accept being pruned. What I lived out and revealed was the satanic disposition of being averse to the truth. As a result, I lived in darkness, fear, and pain for a long time, and I was put aside by God. Those consequences were all caused by my aversion to the truth. God’s disposition is indeed righteous, holy, and unoffendable. If I always don’t accept the truth or being pruned by God, how could I ever attain God’s cleansing and salvation? If so, wouldn’t my belief in God be in vain in the end? I realized that it’s too dangerous to keep the disposition of being averse to the truth unsolved! Later, I intentionally focused on seeking the truth and rebelling against my own corrupt disposition. When facing pruning again, my motive to argue back and resist became weaker. No matter how much of what the brothers and sisters said to me was correct, as long as it was consistent with the facts, I would accept it. Sometimes, when I couldn’t recognize my problem and wanted to argue back, I would pray to God first and be submissive. Later, I would gain some understanding and harvest by reflecting on myself.

Thinking back to how stubborn and rebellious I used to be, completely unwilling to accept the truth, and seeing how today I could gain some understanding and harvest like this, I realize that it’s indeed God’s salvation. Through this experience, I finally came to know myself a bit, and also gained some understanding about the ways in which God saves mankind as well as God’s intention. I have truly realized that God’s chastening, discipline, and pruning are indeed for cleansing and saving people, not for condemning or eliminating them.