By Debra, USA

Since I was a child, I have been shy and slow-witted. My family all said I wasn’t smart, that I was slow. Moreover, my language abilities are poor, so I was prone to getting nervous when speaking in front of a lot of people. As soon as I got nervous, my mind went blank, and so I often kept quiet. When I was at school and the teacher asked a question, my classmates would all answer enthusiastically, but I wouldn’t dare volunteer to give the answer even when I knew it. I would only passively wait for the teacher to call me, or answer silently in my head. My family and friends all said that I was slow-witted and inarticulate. My father also often told me a story about how the slower birds have to start flying before the rest to make up for their lack of ability. As time went on, I too started to feel that I was a bit slow, and felt that nothing I did was good enough to show to others. Therefore, I became quite closed off. After I started believing in God, I saw how kind my brothers and sisters were, and I felt like they were my family. I also opened up and chatted about my state and difficulties with my brothers and sisters. Everyone would help and encourage me, and I became less constrained; my heart felt liberated and full of enjoyment. However, I still felt very constrained speaking in front of lots of people. There were a few gatherings with a lot of people, and when it came to be my turn to fellowship, I got so nervous that I started trembling. My thoughts got all messed up, and I tripped over my words. Several sisters lifted their heads to look at me, and I smiled in embarrassment. At the time, my face burned with shame, and I was desperate for the ground to open and swallow me up. I started to think, “What do my brothers and sisters think of me? Do they think I’m just too useless? It seems that I should talk less in the future and let the brothers and sisters with good caliber fellowship more.” At gatherings afterward, when there were lots of people, I would always be the last person to fellowship; sometimes I wouldn’t fellowship at all. I only dared to fellowship in simple terms when there weren’t many people there, or in front of brothers and sisters who I knew well. Sometimes, I achieved some results in doing my duty, and the supervisor asked me to discuss good ways and methods so everyone could learn from them and use them as a reference. However, as soon as I thought about discussing things in front of many brothers and sisters, I got really frightened. I worried that when the time came, I would get nervous and speak incoherently—how embarrassing that would be! I declined over and over again on the grounds that I didn’t have any special methods. Later, I pondered, why did I get frightened and shrink back every time I needed to speak in front of lots of people?

Once, I read the words of God: “There are some people who, as children, were ordinary-looking, inarticulate, and not very quick-witted, causing others in their families and social environments to give rather unfavorable appraisals of them, saying things like: ‘This kid is dull-witted, slow, and a clumsy speaker. Look at other people’s children, who are so well-spoken that they can wrap people around their little finger. Whereas this kid just pouts all day long. He doesn’t know what to say when meeting people, doesn’t know how to explain or justify himself after doing something wrong, and can’t amuse people. This kid is an idiot.’ The parents say this, relatives and friends say this, and their teachers also say this. This environment exerts a certain, invisible pressure on such individuals. Through experiencing these environments, they unconsciously develop a certain kind of mindset. What kind of mindset? They think that they are not good-looking, not very likable, and that others are never happy to see them. They believe that they are not good at studying, are slow, and always feel embarrassed to open their mouths and speak in front of others. They are too embarrassed to say thank you when people give them something, thinking to themselves, ‘Why am I always so tongue-tied? Why are other people such smooth talkers? I’m just stupid!’ Subconsciously, they think they are worthless, but still are unwilling to acknowledge being that worthless, being that stupid. In their hearts they always ask themselves, ‘Am I really that stupid? Am I really that unpleasant?’ Their parents do not like them, and neither do their brothers and sisters, their teachers or their classmates. And occasionally their family members, their relatives and friends say of them, ‘He is short, his eyes and nose are small, and with looks like that, he will not be successful when he grows up.’ So, when they look in the mirror, they see that their eyes are indeed small. In this situation, the resistance, dissatisfaction, unwillingness, and unacceptance in the depths of their heart turn gradually to acceptance and acknowledgment of their own shortcomings, deficiencies, and issues. Although they can accept this reality, a persistent emotion arises in the depths of their heart. What is this emotion called? It is inferiority. People who feel inferior do not know what their strengths are. They just think that they are unlikable, always feel stupid, and do not know how to deal with things. In short, they feel they cannot do anything, are unattractive, are not clever, and have slow reactions. They are unremarkable compared to others and do not get good grades in their studies. After growing up in such an environment, this mindset of inferiority gradually takes over. It turns into a kind of lingering emotion that becomes tangled with your heart and fills your mind. Regardless of whether you are already grown, have gone out into the world, are married and established in your career, and regardless of your social status, this feeling of inferiority that was planted in your environment growing up is impossible to get rid of” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). God’s words were very relevant to my state. Since I was a child, the people around me called me inarticulate and slow-witted; my family also often said, “Look at how smart your older sister is. But the way you are, you’ll never fit in anywhere …” Gradually, I felt more and more as if I was less clever than others, and developed an inferiority complex. From when I was a child all the way through to adulthood, I never thought that I had any strong points: My expressive abilities are poor, and my psychological resilience is poor as well, so I would get nervous when talking in front of a lot of people, and, on top of that, I am not very quick-witted, so I didn’t talk very often and didn’t take part in many things. After I started believing in God, I was often afraid that my brothers and sisters would look down on me because I didn’t have a good ability to express myself, and I tried to say as little as possible to avoid embarrassment. I was very passive when fellowshipping during gatherings, and refused to discuss what I had gained from doing my duty, and constantly chose to shrink back. Affected by feelings of inferiority, I lost many chances to obtain the truth, and couldn’t even do the duties I was capable of doing. I felt that my life was pathetic, so I wanted to seek the truth to resolve this problem.

One day, I read the words of God: “Your heart is filled with this feeling of inferiority and this feeling has been around for a long time, it is not some temporary feeling. Rather, it tightly controls your thoughts from deep inside your soul, it tightly seals your lips, and so regardless of how correctly you understand things, or what views and opinions you have toward people, events and things, you dare only to think and turn things over in your own heart, never daring to speak out loud. Whether other people might approve of what you say, or correct and criticize you, you will not dare to face or see such an outcome. Why is this? It is because your feeling of inferiority is inside you, telling you, ‘Don’t do that, you’re just not up to it. You don’t have that kind of caliber, you don’t have that kind of reality, you shouldn’t do that, that’s just not you. Don’t do anything or think anything now. You’ll only be the real you by living in inferiority. You’re not qualified to pursue the truth or to open up your heart and say what you want and connect with others like other people do. And it’s because you’re no good, you’re not as good as they are.’ This feeling of inferiority guides people’s thinking inside their minds; it inhibits them from fulfilling the obligations a normal person should perform and from living the life of normal humanity they should be living, while it also directs the ways and means, and the direction and goals of how they regard people and things, how they comport themselves and act. … We can see from these specific manifestations and revelations that once this one negative emotion—the feeling of inferiority—begins to take effect and has laid down roots in people’s innermost hearts, then unless they pursue the truth it will be very difficult for them to uproot it and break away from its constraint, and they will be constrained by it in everything they do. Even though this feeling cannot be said to be a corrupt disposition, it has already caused a severely negative effect; it severely harms their humanity and has a great negative impact on the various emotions and the speech and actions of their normal humanity, with very serious consequences. Its minor influence is to affect their character, their predilections and their aspirations; its major influence is to affect their objectives and direction in life. From the causes of this feeling of inferiority, from its process and from the consequences it brings to a person, from whichever aspect you look at it, is it not something that people should let go? (Yes.)” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). When I compared myself with God’s words, I realized the harm of living in feelings of inferiority. Inferiority is not a simple emotion, but directly affects your self-conduct and actions; it binds and ties you. Ever since I was a child, everyone around me said that I was slow-witted and inarticulate; my father also often told me a story about how the slower birds have to start flying before the rest to make up for their lack of ability. Gradually, I came to think that I was inherently slower than others, and so I often kept quiet, and even didn’t dare to take the initiative in doing things that I was capable of. Brothers and sisters gathering together to fellowship about their comprehension and understanding of God’s words should be a positive thing, but I constantly felt that I was bad at talking, and was afraid that if I didn’t speak well, I would be looked down on by my brothers and sisters, so I didn’t dare to speak up and fellowship readily. Sometimes, I didn’t even dare to fellowship when I had some light and understanding regarding God’s words. Actually, if you achieve some results in doing your duty, this is because of the enlightenment and leadership of the Holy Spirit, and you should communicate about this so that more brothers and sisters can benefit from it. However, I was affected by feelings of inferiority and worried that if I got nervous and couldn’t speak well, I would be embarrassed; I chose to escape instead, losing an opportunity to practice. Feelings of inferiority bound me, making me feel constrained in everything I did or said; I couldn’t proactively volunteer to take on burdens, and I didn’t make any progress in my life entry. When I saw the harm of living under feelings of inferiority, I prayed to God, “Dear God, feelings of inferiority have constantly bound me from childhood to adulthood. After I started believing in God, I was still constrained by them and could not fulfill my own duty. I do not want to keep living in feelings of inferiority; I want to turn things around. May You help me to cast off the bonds of negative emotions.”

Later, I read the words of God: “So, how can you accurately evaluate and know yourself, and break away from the feeling of inferiority? You should take God’s words as the basis for gaining knowledge of yourself, learning what your humanity, caliber, and talent are like, and what strengths you have. For example, suppose that you used to like singing and did it well, but some people kept criticizing you and belittling you, saying that you were tone-deaf and that your singing was out of tune, so now you feel that you cannot sing well and no longer dare to do it in front of others. Because those worldly folks, those muddleheaded people and mediocre people, made inaccurate evaluations and judgments about you, the rights that your humanity deserves were curtailed, and your talent was stifled. As a result, you do not dare to even sing a song, and you are only brave enough to let go and sing out loud when no one is around or you are just by yourself. Because you ordinarily feel so horribly repressed, when you are not alone you dare not sing a song; you dare to sing only when you are alone, enjoying the time when you can sing out loud and clear, and what a wonderful, liberating time that is! Is that not so? Because of the harm that people have done to you, you do not know or cannot see clearly what it is that you can actually do, what you are good at, and what you are not good at. In this kind of situation, you must make a correct evaluation and take the correct measure of yourself according to God’s words. You should establish what you have learned and where your strengths lie, and go out and do whatever it is that you can do; as for those things which you cannot do, your shortcomings and deficiencies, you should reflect on and know them, and you should also accurately evaluate and know what your caliber is like, and whether it is good or bad. If you cannot understand or gain clear knowledge of your own problems, then ask the people around you with understanding to make an appraisal of you. Regardless of whether what they say is accurate, it will at least give you something to reference and consider and will enable you to have a basic judgment or characterization of yourself. You can then solve the essential problem of negative emotions like inferiority, and gradually emerge from them. Such feelings of inferiority are easy to resolve if one can discern them, awaken to them, and seek the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). From God’s words, I found a path of practice. I should weigh up and evaluate myself in accordance with God’s words, and not be affected by the inaccurate evaluations of others or let them influence my own self-perception and judgment. I thought of how God had said I could ask brothers and sisters who I know well about their evaluation of me, and then weigh myself up objectively in accordance with God’s words. Therefore, I asked some sisters who knew me well. They said, “Actually, you are not as useless as you say you are. Normally, you do have your own comprehension of the principles relating to your duty, and can discuss some understanding of God’s words. Sometimes you can also help your brothers and sisters. You should treat yourself correctly.” When I heard my sisters’ evaluation of me, I realized that I was not as bad as I thought I was. I could not keep on living in other people’s incorrect evaluation of me and judging myself. Actually, it is not the case that I don’t have any strengths at all; though my personality is somewhat introverted and I am less able to express myself than others, most of the time, I am able to explain some things clearly, can find some good paths of practice in doing my duty, and can play some role. I should treat my deficiencies rationally. Afterward, when I had negative thoughts about myself again, I would think, “A person’s language abilities are ordained by God. I cannot feel like I am inferior to others because of my deficiencies in this regard and end up being constrained at every turn. I should set the correct mentality and treat it correctly, trying my best to do the things I can do well.”

One time, I told a sister about my state. She said that my main problem was that I placed too much weight on pride, and cared too much about what other people thought of me. I looked for words of God relating to resolving this kind of state to read. God’s words say: “When family elders often tell you that ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,’ it is to make you attach importance to having a good reputation, living a proud life, and not doing things that heap disgrace upon you. So does this saying guide people in a positive or negative way? Can it lead you to the truth? Can it lead you to understand the truth? (No, it cannot.) You can say with all certainty, ‘No, it cannot!’ Think about it, God says that people should comport themselves as honest people. When you have transgressed, or done something wrong, or done something that rebels against God and goes against the truth, you need to admit your mistake, gain an understanding of yourself, and keep dissecting yourself in order to achieve true repentance, and thereafter act in accordance with God’s words. So, if people are to comport themselves as honest people, does that conflict with the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’? (Yes.) How does it conflict? The saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’ is intended to make people attach importance to living out their bright and colorful side and doing more things that make them look good—rather than doing things that are bad or dishonorable, or exposing their ugly side—and to prevent them from living without pride or dignity. For the sake of one’s reputation, for the sake of pride and honor, one cannot rubbish everything about oneself, let alone tell others about one’s dark side and shameful aspects, because one must live with pride and dignity. In order to have dignity one needs a good reputation, and to have a good reputation one needs to put up a pretense and dress oneself up. Doesn’t this conflict with comporting oneself as an honest person? (Yes.) When you comport yourself as an honest person, what you are doing is completely at odds with the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark.’ If you want to comport yourself as an honest person, don’t attach importance to pride; a person’s pride isn’t worth a cent. Faced with the truth, one should expose oneself, not put up a pretense or create a false image. One must reveal to God one’s true thoughts, the mistakes one has made, the aspects that violate the truth principles, and so on, and also lay these things bare to one’s brothers and sisters. It is not a matter of living for the sake of one’s reputation, but rather, it is a matter of living for the sake of comporting oneself as an honest person, living for the sake of pursuing the truth, living for the sake of being a true created being, and living for the sake of satisfying God and being saved. But when you don’t understand this truth, and don’t understand God’s intentions, the things that are conditioned into you by your family tend to dominate. So when you do something wrong, you cover it up and put up a pretense, thinking, ‘I can’t say anything about this, and I won’t allow anyone else who knows about it to say anything either. If any of you say anything, I won’t let you off lightly. My reputation comes first. Living is for nothing if not for the sake of one’s reputation, because it’s more important than anything else. If a person loses their reputation, they lose all their dignity. So you can’t tell it like it is, you have to pretend, you have to cover things up, otherwise you will lose your reputation and dignity, and your life will be worthless. If no one respects you, then you’re just worthless, cheap trash.’ Is it possible to comport yourself as an honest person by practicing this way? Is it possible to be completely open and dissect yourself? (No, it isn’t.) Obviously, by doing this you are adhering to the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’ that your family has conditioned into you. However, if you let go of this saying in order to pursue the truth and practice the truth, it will cease to affect you, and it will cease to be your motto or your principle for doing things, and instead what you do will be precisely the opposite of this saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark.’ You won’t be living for the sake of your reputation, nor for the sake of your dignity, but rather, you will be living for the sake of pursuing the truth, and comporting yourself as an honest person, and seeking to satisfy God and live as a true created being. If you adhere to this principle, you will have let go of the conditioning effects that your family exerts on you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (12)). When I compared myself with the words of God, I understood why I never dared to open up, or to express my own opinion. The main issue was that I had been affected by satanic poisons such as “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” I regarded my own pride as being more important than anything else, and thought that if a person lost face, they also lost their dignity. I am slow-witted and my language abilities aren’t good, so I felt that I was half the person others were: I felt very inferior. I was prone to getting nervous when speaking in front of a lot of people, afraid that if I couldn’t express myself well then my brothers and sisters would look down on me, so I preferred to stay silent. When I had good ways and methods of doing my duty, I needed to communicate these to my brothers and sisters, not only to help my brothers and sisters, but also to improve their results and efficiency in doing their duties. However, in order to preserve my own face, I refused and made excuses time after time; I realized that I attached too much weight to my pride and considered myself at every turn. I really was too selfish and vile! God’s intention is for people to be honest and learn how to open up about themselves, even laying bare their own shortcomings and deficiencies; they should not keep things covered up and put on disguises. When I had understood God’s intention and requirement, I prayed to God, “Dear God. I am not willing to be bound and constrained by my pride all the time. I want to leave behind my negative emotions of inferiority. May You lead me so I am able to practice the truth.”

Once, because I achieved some results in doing my duty, when we were summarizing the work, the supervisor asked me to talk about it. As soon as I thought about fellowshipping in front of that many people, I felt a little afraid. I was just about to refuse, when I suddenly realized that the environments that come upon me every day all do so with God’s permission. This was God giving me a chance to practice the truth, and I should face up to it. I remembered a passage of God’s words: “If you allow your defects and faults to coexist with you, then allow them to exist, and even if others see your defects, this may even be beneficial to you, and also a protection, which will prevent you from becoming arrogant and conceited. Of course, for many people it takes courage for them to reveal their own defects and faults. Some people say: ‘Everyone reveals their own strong suits and merits, who would deliberately reveal their own weaknesses and defects?’ It’s not that you deliberately reveal them, but that you allow them to be revealed. For example, if you are timid and often feel nervous speaking when there are a lot of people around, you can take the initiative to tell others, ‘I get nervous easily when speaking; I just ask that everyone be understanding and not find fault with me.’ You take the initiative to reveal your defects and faults to everyone, so that they can be understanding and tolerate you, and so that everyone gets to know you. The more everyone gets to know you, the more at ease your heart will be, and the less you will be constrained by your defects and faults. This will actually be beneficial and helpful to you. Always covering up your defects and faults proves that you don’t want to coexist with them. If you allow them to coexist with you, you have to reveal them; don’t feel ashamed or discouraged, and don’t feel inferior to others, or think that you are no good and have no hope of being saved. As long as you can pursue the truth, and you can do your duty with all your heart, all your strength, and all your mind according to the principles, and your heart is sincere, and you are not being perfunctory toward God, then you have hope of being saved” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). From God’s words, I saw that if a person has some deficiencies and problems, God does not condemn them, and it does not mean this person is inferior to others. God hopes that we can treat our own deficiencies correctly, and allow them to coexist with us. If we cover up our deficiencies because we are afraid of being looked down on by others, this is disguise and trickery, and we will be constrained at every turn, unable to give full play even to the things that we can do. I am naturally introverted, and prone to getting nervous when I’m around a lot of people; my ability to express myself is also poor. This was ordained by God. I should not constantly think about how to not get nervous when I speak or what to do about my poor ability to express myself. I should face God and practice being an honest person, speaking about exactly how I worked and what my experience was. As long as I try my best to do it well, that is enough. I silently prayed to God, “Dear God, I do not want to consider my pride. I only want to treat this discussion as an opportunity to practice the truth and be an honest person. May You lead me!” Therefore, I talked about my experiences in this period of time and the gains I had made in doing my duty with everyone. Although I was nervous at times and didn’t talk particularly smoothly, I was not constrained by this, and my heart felt liberated. God’s words made me reflect on and understand myself, and gradually cast off the binds and constraints of feelings of inferiority so I could do my duty with a proactive and positive attitude. Thank God!