By Qin Yue, China

I spent my childhood and grew up by my mother’s side, and I saw her work hard for the sake of the jobs, marriages, and lives of me and my siblings. Even though we’re married and have children, she still spends a lot of time and energy helping us take care of our children. My mother-in-law’s the same, not only raising her own children, but also helping to raise each of her grandchildren, earning the respect of the family and praise from those around her. I thought this was a mother’s responsibility and something I should emulate. Gradually, becoming a good wife and loving mother became my goal.

In 2005, I accepted God’s gospel of the last days, and from God’s words, I learned that God has incarnated and is expressing the truth to judge and purify people, allowing people to know the root of sin, cast off their corrupt dispositions, and attain God’s salvation. I was very excited. I saw so many people who hadn’t heard God’s voice and come before Him, so I also joined in the work of preaching the gospel. In 2013, I was reported by an evil person while preaching the gospel, so I was forced to leave my home and go elsewhere to do my duty.

Before I knew it, a whole decade had flown by. In April 2023, I returned home, and I learned from my mother that my daughter had already gotten married, and that the baby was now over two months old. I went to my daughter’s city and finally met with her. My daughter told me that one time when she was sleeping in the same room as her sister-in-law, in her sleep, she kept calling out, “Mom … Mom …” Hearing this made my heart ache. When my daughter was pregnant and giving birth, I wasn’t by her side and I didn’t fulfill my responsibility as a mother. I really wanted to stay and help my daughter, to give her more warmth and care, and to make up for the debt I owed her. My husband also urged me to stay. I thought to myself, “If I take on a different duty and return to be with them, I could help my daughter. My daughter is frail and she can’t take care of the baby, and this is the exact time she needs my help.” So I agreed to consider staying. But later on, I realized just how critical this time was for the spreading of the gospel. I was a church leader and there was a lot of work in the church that needed to be handled. For the time being, I couldn’t find anyone to take over my duties, so if I abandoned and disregarded the church’s work to take care of my family, that wouldn’t align with God’s intention. On one hand, there was the church work, and on the other, my daughter’s difficulties. I had no idea how to choose. I felt deeply conflicted. So I decided to give them as much help as I could while I was with them. I searched for passages of God’s words to fellowship with my daughter while doing household chores and taking care of the baby, and at night, I would wake up to heat milk and feed my granddaughter. Although I couldn’t rest well each night, and I was sometimes exhausted to the point where I was drenched in sweat and my back and waist ached, I felt content, thinking this was what I should do. The time flew by, and before I knew it, the time for me to leave had come. Though I wanted to stay, I left anyway because I was thinking of my duty. Later, even though I was doing my duty, I kept thinking about returning to take care of my daughter. I no longer had much of a sense of burden for my duty, and when I saw work that needed to be followed up on and the problems of my brothers and sisters, I only gave simple fellowship and didn’t truly resolve their issues with care. I even wanted to find someone suitable to replace me in my duty quickly so that I’d have a chance to go back and take care of my daughter. Because I was in a lukewarm state in my duty, I wasn’t following up on the gospel or watering work in time, delaying work. The upper leaders pointed out my problems and said that I had no sense of burden for my duty. I reflected on how I’d been living with feelings of guilt toward my daughter lately, and about how I’d had no motivation to follow up on work, and that these things were causing the work to be impacted. I felt really distressed. I realized something was wrong with my state, so I quickly came before God in prayer. I prayed for God to lead me out of my affections so I could do my duty well.

Later, I read God’s words. “Suppose that one of you were to say: ‘I can never let go of my children. They were born with weak constitutions, and they’re innately cowardly and timid. They also don’t have very good caliber and they’re always bullied by other people in society. I can’t let go of them.’ You not being able to let go of your children does not mean that you haven’t finished fulfilling your responsibilities toward them, it is merely an effect of your affection. You may say: ‘I’m always worried and thinking about whether my children have been eating well, or if they’re having any stomach problems. If they don’t eat meals at the proper times and keep ordering takeout food on a long-term basis, will they develop stomach problems? Will they get some kind of illness? And if they’re sick, will there be anyone to take care of them, to show them love? Do their spouses show concern for them and take care of them?’ Your worries simply arise from your affection and the blood tie that you have with your children, but these are not your responsibilities. The responsibilities that God has imparted upon parents are just the responsibilities of raising and caring for their children before they reach adulthood. After their children become adults, parents no longer have any responsibilities toward them. This is looking at the responsibilities that parents should fulfill from the perspective of God’s ordination. Do you understand this? (Yes.) No matter how strong your feelings are, or when your parental instincts kick in, this is not fulfilling your responsibilities, it is merely the effect of your feelings. The effects of your feelings do not derive from the reason of humanity, or the principles that God has taught man, or man’s submission to the truth, and they certainly do not derive from man’s responsibilities, instead, they come from man’s feelings—they are called feelings. … You just live amid your feelings, approaching your children according to your feelings, rather than living by the definition of parental responsibilities given by God. You are not living according to God’s words, you are just feeling, viewing, and handling all of these things according to your feelings. This means that you are not following God’s way. This is obvious. Your parental responsibilities—as taught to you by God—ended the moment that your children reached adulthood. Isn’t the method of practice that God taught you easy and simple? (It is.) If you practice according to God’s words, you will not be engaging in pointless exercises, and you will be giving your children a certain amount of freedom, and a chance to develop themselves, without causing them any extra trouble or bother, or placing any extra burdens on them. And, since they are adults, doing so will allow them to face the world, their lives, and the various problems that they encounter in their daily lives and existences, with the perspective of an adult, an adult’s independent methods for handling things and viewing things, and an adult’s independent worldview. These are the freedoms and rights of your children, and even more so, they are the things that they should do as adults, and these things have nothing to do with you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (18)). “Parents are not their children’s free nannies or slaves. Regardless of what expectations parents have for their children, it is not necessary for them to let their children order them around arbitrarily without any compensation, or for them to become their children’s servants, maids, or slaves. No matter what feelings you have for your children, you are still an independent person. You should not take responsibility for their adult lives as though it were completely right to do so, just because they are your children. There is no need to do this. They are adults; you have already fulfilled your responsibility to raise them. As for whether they’ll live well or badly in the future, whether they’ll be wealthy or poor, and whether they’ll live happy or unhappy lives, that’s their own business. These things have nothing to do with you. You, as a parent, have no obligation to change those things. … parents should not place responsibility on themselves for whether things go well with their children’s jobs, careers, families, or marriages after they reach adulthood. You can feel concern about these things, and you can inquire about them, but you do not need to take complete charge of them, chaining your children to your side, taking them with you wherever you go, watching them wherever you go, and thinking about them: ‘Are they eating well today? Are they happy? Is their work going well? Does their boss appreciate them? Does their spouse love them? Are their children obedient? Do their children get good grades?’ What do these things have to do with you? Your children can solve their own problems, you don’t need to get involved. Why do I ask what these things have to do with you? By this, I mean that those things have nothing to do with you. You have fulfilled your responsibilities to your children, you have raised them into adults, so you should back off. Once you do, it won’t mean that you’ll have nothing to do. There are still so many things that you ought to do. When it comes to the missions that you need to complete in this life, aside from raising your children into adults, you also have other missions to complete. Aside from being a parent to your children, you are a created being. You should come before God, and accept your duty from Him. What is your duty? Have you completed it? Have you dedicated yourself to it? Have you embarked on the path to salvation? These are the things that you should think about. As for where your children will go next after becoming adults, how their lives will be, what their circumstances will be like, if they’ll feel happy and cheerful, these things have nothing to do with you. Your children are already independent, both externally and mentally. You should let them be independent, you should let go, and you shouldn’t try to control them. Whether in terms of the external side of things, affection, or fleshly kinship, you have already fulfilled your responsibilities, and there is no longer any relationship between you and your children. … When your children are independent it means that you’ve fulfilled all your responsibilities to them. So, no matter what you do for your children when the circumstances permit, whether you show them solicitude or care, it is merely affection, and it is superfluous. Or if your children ask you to do something, that is also superfluous, it is not something you are duty-bound to do. You should understand this” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (18)). I reflected on myself in light of God’s words. When it came to my children, I still relied on my own affections, and I didn’t view things according to God’s words. God says that parents’ responsibility is only to fulfill their duty of nurturing and caring for their children while they are not yet adult, but once children grow up and become adults, their responsibilities are fulfilled. But I had wrongly thought that parents should always take care of their children, and that when they have difficulties, parents should always be by their side helping to solve them, allowing them to feel warmth and happiness. I had thought that this was what a competent mother should do. In particular, when I had thought about how I wasn’t around when my daughter married or had children, and about how she hadn’t received the care I had wanted to give her, I had felt a sense of guilt toward my daughter and wanted to stay to take care of her. Living in this wrong perspective, I couldn’t view things rationally. My daughter was already an adult, yet I still wanted to take care of her. I had even thought about adjusting my duties so that I’d be able to stay with her and take care of her. This had caused me to just absentmindedly go through the motions in my duties, and for some work, the leaders had kept having to give me reminders and spur me on, which had impacted the work. I’d always wanted to take charge of everything regarding my daughter, thinking she couldn’t handle life without my help. I was just being overly sentimental, and I couldn’t view things based on God’s words. Now I came to understand that my responsibilities had already been fulfilled. My daughter was 32 years old, and was already an adult, a grown woman with her own thoughts, who was perfectly capable of living her own life. She also needs to experience the hardships of raising children. What’s more, it’s not like I’m her unpaid nanny. It would be foolish to spend all my time and energy on my daughter. In fact, it’s not a bad thing for children to have some difficulties. It’s good for them. I had to learn to let go and allow my daughter to grow freely. Thinking back, I’d always really cared for my daughter since her childhood. I didn’t let her do any chores so she could focus on her studies, and when she grew up, she still didn’t really know how to cook. When I went back this time, I saw my daughter had learned to make chicken soup, and she’d started learning to handle various daily tasks. If I’d been at home, I’d have taken over everything, and my daughter wouldn’t have been able to develop in any way. As a mother, I had to learn to let go and give my daughter the opportunity to grow and develop. I am a created being, not my child’s servant, and I have my own mission to complete. I should fulfill the duty of a created being and pursue the truth to attain salvation.

After becoming aware of my wrong thoughts and views, I started to ponder, “Where did the wrong view of ‘being a good wife and loving mother’ come from?” I saw this passage of God’s words: “People who live in this real society have been deeply corrupted by Satan. Regardless of whether they’re educated or not, a lot of traditional culture is ingrained in people’s thoughts and views. In particular, women are required to attend to their husbands and raise their children, to be a good wife and loving mother, devoting their whole lives to their husbands and children and living for them, making sure the family has three square meals a day, and doing the washing, cleaning, and all other housework well. This is the accepted standard of being a good wife and loving mother. Every woman also thinks this is the way things should be done, and that if she doesn’t then she’s not a good woman, and has violated conscience and the standards of morality. Violating these moral standards will weigh heavily on some people’s conscience; they’ll feel they’ve let their husbands and children down, and that they’re not a good woman. But after you believe in God, have read a lot of His words, understood some truths, and seen through some matters, you’ll think, ‘I am a created being and should perform my duty as such, and expend myself for God.’ At this time, is there a conflict between being a good wife and loving mother, and doing your duty as a created being? If you want to be a good wife and loving mother, then you cannot do your duty full time, but if you want to do your duty full time then you cannot be a good wife and loving mother. What do you do now? If you choose to do your duty well and be responsible for the work of the church, loyal to God, then you must give up being a good wife and loving mother. What would you think now? What sort of discord would arise in your mind? Would you feel like you’ve let down your children, your husband? Where does this feeling of guilt and unease come from? When you don’t fulfill the duty of a created being, do you feel like you’ve let God down? You have no sense of guilt or blame because, in your heart and mind, there isn’t the slightest hint of the truth. So, what do you understand? Traditional culture and being a good wife and loving mother. Thus the notion of ‘If I’m not a good wife and loving mother, then I’m not a good or decent woman’ will arise in your mind. You’ll be bound and fettered by this notion from then on, and will remain so by these kinds of notions even after you believe in God and do your duty. When there is a conflict between doing your duty and being a good wife and loving mother, while you may reluctantly choose to do your duty, possessing perhaps a little loyalty to God, there’ll still be a feeling of unease and blame in your heart. Therefore, when you have some spare time while doing your duty, you’ll look for chances to take care of your children and husband, wanting to make it up to them even more, and think it’s fine even if you have to suffer more, as long as you have peace of mind. Is this not brought about by the influence of traditional culture’s ideas and theories about being a good wife and loving mother? You now have a foot in both camps, wanting to fulfill your duty well but also wanting to be a good wife and loving mother. But before God, we only have one responsibility and obligation, one mission: to properly fulfill the duty of a created being. Have you fulfilled this duty well? Why did you stray off track again? Is there really no sense of blame or reproach in your heart? Because the truth has still not laid foundations in your heart, and does not yet reign over it, you can stray off track when doing your duty. Although now you’re able to do your duty, you’re actually still falling far short of the standards of truth and God’s requirements. Can you see this fact clearly now? What does God mean when He says that ‘God is the source of man’s life’? It is to make everyone realize this: Our lives and souls all come from God and were created by Him—not from our parents, and certainly not from nature, but given us by God. Only our flesh was born of our parents, as our children are born of us, but their fate is entirely in God’s hands. That we can believe in God is an opportunity given by Him; it is ordained by Him and is His grace. There is therefore no need for you to fulfill your obligation or responsibility to anyone else; you should only fulfill your duty to God as a created being. This is what people must do above anything else, the main thing that should be done as the primary affair of one’s life. If you do not fulfill your duty well, you are not a qualified created being. In the eyes of others, you may be a good wife and loving mother, an excellent housewife, a filial child, and an upstanding member of society, but before God you are one who rebels against Him, one who has not fulfilled their obligation or duty at all, one who accepted yet did not complete God’s commission, one who gave up halfway. Can someone like this gain God’s approval? People like this are worthless” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Recognizing One’s Own Misguided Views Can One Truly Transform). Through the exposure of God’s words, I reflected on my problems. I hadn’t been able to take care of my daughter because of the CCP’s persecution, as I had to leave home to do my duty, so I had lived in a state of feeling guilty toward my daughter. The truth was that I’d been influenced by traditional culture. I had believed that a woman had to orient her life around her husband and children, and take good care of their daily meals, and daily life and routines. I’d even thought about raising and taking good care of my children’s next generation, and that this was what it meant to carry out my responsibilities, and that otherwise, I would be criticized for not being a good woman. “Being a good wife and loving mother” was the standard by which generation after generation had measured a woman’s moral conduct. So when my daughter got married and had children, I had naturally thought that I should raise her children, and that I should take care of their clothing, food, shelter, and transportation, allowing my daughter to enjoy the nurturing and care of a mother, and to feel happy. I had felt that this was what it meant to carry out my responsibility as a mother. When my daughter wasn’t able to enjoy these things, I had felt guilty toward her, so I’d wanted to be reassigned to a different duty and go back to my daughter to care for her more. I had even lost my motivation to do my duty. I saw that I hadn’t been loyal or submissive to God, and that my family’s and daughter’s place in my heart had surpassed God’s. How could I call myself a believer? Thinking about it now, even if I took care of my daughter while not being able to do my duty well, lacking time and energy to pursue the truth, and spending my days busy living in the feelings of the flesh, in the end, I would die having lived a fruitless life. What value or meaning would such a life have? It was God who gave me life and allowed me to have a family and a daughter. It was also God who was gracious toward me and allowed me to hear His voice, allowing me to understand the truth, to know how to conduct myself, and to discern all kinds of people, events, and things, with His hope being that I’d soon be able to break free from the bonds and corruption of Satan, gain the truth, and ultimately be saved. But I didn’t understand God’s painstaking intention. I was always thinking about my daughter’s and my family’s interests, and I didn’t consider the church’s work. I lived in my own affections; I had no sense of burden for my duty, and didn’t feel I owed anything to God. I truly had no conscience or reason, and I was unworthy of being called human! I’d been too deeply poisoned by Satan’s traditional ideas. Without the truth, I was truly pitiful!

Later, from God’s words, I found the path of practice by which to treat adult children. Almighty God says: “If parents always want to do everything for their children and bear the cost for their hardships, willingly becoming their slaves, then isn’t this excessive? It’s unnecessary because it goes beyond what parents should be expected to do. … Each person’s destiny is determined by God; therefore, how much blessing or suffering they experience in life, what kind of family, marriage, and children they have, what experiences they go through in society, and what events they experience in life, they themselves cannot foresee or change such things, and parents have even less of an ability to change them. Therefore, if children encounter any difficulties, parents should help positively and proactively if they have the ability to do so. If not, it is best for parents to relax and view these matters from the perspective of created beings, treating their children equally as created beings. The suffering you experience, they must also experience; the life you live, they must also live; the process you have gone through of raising young children, they will also go through; the twists and turns, fraud and deception you experience in society and among people, the emotional entanglements, and interpersonal conflicts, and every similar thing you have experienced, they will experience it too. They, like you, are all corrupted human beings, all carried away by the currents of evil, corrupted by Satan; you cannot escape it, and neither can they. Therefore, wanting to help them avoid all suffering and enjoy all the blessings in the world is a silly delusion and a foolish idea. No matter how vast the wings of an eagle may be, they cannot protect the young eaglet throughout its entire life. The young eaglet will eventually reach a point when it must grow up and fly alone. When the young eaglet chooses to fly alone, no one knows where its stretch of sky may be, or where it will choose to fly. Therefore, the most rational attitude for parents after their children grow up is to let go, to let them experience life on their own, to let them live independently, and face, handle, and resolve the various challenges in life independently. If they seek help from you and you have the ability and conditions to do so, of course you can lend a helping hand and provide necessary aid. However, the prerequisite is that, no matter what help you provide, whether it’s financial or psychological, it can only be temporary and cannot change any substantial issues. They must navigate their own path in life, and you have no obligation to shoulder any of their affairs or consequences. This is the attitude parents should have toward their adult children” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). “If your time, energy, and mind are only occupied by the truth and the principles, and if you only think about positive things, like how to perform your duty well, and how to come before God, and if you expend your energy and time for these positive things, then what you gain will be different. What you gain will be the most substantive benefits. You will know how to live, how to comport yourself, how to face every kind of person, event, and thing. Once you know how to face every kind of person, event, and thing, to a large extent this will enable you to naturally submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. When you can naturally submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, then without even realizing it, you will become the kind of person that God accepts and loves. Think about it, isn’t that a good thing? Perhaps you do not know this yet, but in the process of you living your life, and of you accepting God’s words and the truth principles, you will imperceptibly come to live, to view people and things, and to comport yourself and act according to God’s words. This means that you will unconsciously submit to God’s words, submit to His requirements and satisfy them. Then you will have already become the kind of person that God accepts, trusts, and loves, without you even knowing it. Isn’t that great? (It is.) Therefore, if you expend your energy and time to pursue the truth and to perform your duty well, what you gain in the end will be the most valuable things” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (18)). From God’s words, I understood how to treat adult children. Everyone’s fate is decided by God’s sovereignty and predestinations, and the suffering and blessings that children will experience in life are all arranged by God, and this isn’t something that parents can change. As parents, we should treat our children according to God’s words. Just as God said, we are born in a world corrupted by Satan, are confronted by the chaos, entanglements, and complications of living among others, and we experience life in all its bitterness and sweetness. Children too must go through these things and learn to face various difficulties. And if our children really need our help, we should help them within the scope of our abilities, whether that may be in guiding their thoughts or providing financial help. If we have time, we can help take care of their children, but if not, we shouldn’t force it. We still have our own duties to complete, and, as created beings, we should fulfill our duty for the gospel work, and this is the most important thing.

In June 2024, I went home to handle some matters. I learned that things weren’t going well for my daughter at work, that the family was having major financial problems, and that she wanted to start a business. My son-in-law had found a job in another city but didn’t have a place to stay. I was worried they’d suffer, so I tried to think about finding ways to solve their difficulties. But my daughter said, “You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll find some way to solve my own problems.” Hearing my daughter say this, I felt a little ashamed, and I thought about what God said: “The suffering you experience, they must also experience; the life you live, they must also live … wanting to help them avoid all suffering and enjoy all the blessings in the world is a silly delusion and a foolish idea” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). Yes, she’d already grown up and become independent, and I shouldn’t be involved in her life any longer. I had to let go and allow her to handle things on her own. Thinking about these things, I felt at peace. I should do my duty well and stop worrying about her. Although sometimes I still think about my daughter’s difficulties, I know in my heart that this is something she must experience, and that I should devote my heart to my duty. When I practiced like this, I felt a sense of liberation and freedom in my heart.