By Song Yi, China

In October 2019, I cooperated with Mo Han on photography work. Since I’d studied photography before, my success rate in getting shots that were up to standard was much higher than hers. I thought, “I seem to have some talent in photography, seeing as I can produce so much readily usable material right from the get-go. The supervisor will definitely think I’m a rare photography talent.” I felt secretly pleased inside, and I also looked down on Mo Han, thinking, “You were even part of a photography association before, yet your skills aren’t even that impressive!” Later, during a gathering, the supervisor praised my skills and my dedication to my duties, and asked Mo Han to learn more from me. This was music to my ears. After that, I put even more effort into my duties. Sometimes, at noon, I would endure the scorching heat and carry out shoots all alone in fields of reeds. One time, even though I was feeling unwell, I kept on shooting through a heavy rainstorm. I thought that as long as I got more good shots, everyone would think even more highly of me, and that for this, the suffering was worth it. After a while, it became clear that the supervisor valued me highly, and during each technical discussion, I was always asked to talk about my shooting experiences. During training sessions, I was also the first to be asked to analyze and summarize. Seeing how much the supervisor valued me, I felt even more like a talented individual.

One evening, the supervisor came to our team and said we needed to choose a team leader to manage the work. After fellowshipping the principles, Mo Han and another sister recommended me as the team leader. I felt secretly pleased inside, thinking, “My efforts in my duty weren’t in vain after all. Everyone’s noticed.” But outwardly, I feigned humility, saying, “Oh, I couldn’t. Even though I’m quite good at the technical side of things, I’m lacking in life entry. I can’t take on the responsibilities of a team leader.” Later, the supervisor carried out a comprehensive evaluation and chose Mo Han as the team leader. I thought about how Mo Han was steady in her work, could grasp certain principles, and about how she had better life entry. I’d believed in God for a shorter time and was only better at the technical side of things, and for the time being, I was indeed more suited to single-task work. But seeing this outcome, I still felt very complicated and a strong sense of loss. I spent the whole day distracted and unable to motivate myself to do anything. Although I knew Mo Han was the right choice for the team leader, I still felt upset, and I wondered, “Does the supervisor think I don’t understand the truth, that I don’t have any life entry, and that I’m just a laborer who only does work, and therefore she doesn’t plan on cultivating me?” Later, when the supervisor gathered with us, I started observing her, wondering if she paid more attention to me or to Mo Han. I noticed that sometimes the supervisor would inquire about Mo Han’s state in detail, and a few times the supervisor even fellowshipped with her privately. This further confirmed my thoughts, and I felt that the supervisor valued Mo Han more. I felt very discouraged and upset, and I even began to resent Mo Han. One time, the supervisor said that Mo Han had improved in capturing shots and asked her to share her shooting experience. This made me even more jealous of Mo Han, and I felt that she’d stolen my spotlight. After that, I felt really awkward around Mo Han, and sometimes I’d even feel annoyed just hearing her speak, and I’d feel the desire to contradict her and oppose her on purpose. Seeing this attitude of mine, Mo Han felt constrained and once mentioned to me that my constant arguing with her and opposing her was making her feel distressed, and that she found interacting with me exhausting. I knew that being jealous of her like this was wrong, but I just couldn’t control myself. In the past, whenever I’d found good video tutorials, I would recommend them to Mo Han, and if I noticed issues with what she’d shot, I would point them out to help her. But ever since I felt the supervisor valued her more, I didn’t want to help her with technical matters anymore. Sometimes, I would even mock her right to her face, saying her compositions were weak and lacked beauty. After a few instances of this, Mo Han began to doubt whether her caliber was good enough to make her suitable for this duty. When I saw that my jabs had caused her to lose confidence, not only did I not feel bad, I actually felt somewhat pleased, thinking that if she became negative, the supervisor might see her as incapable and start valuing me again. One time, we needed to get some shots quickly, and just watching Mo Han working hard to scout locations all day made me feel annoyed. I was afraid that she might find some great locations and get some shots that would be accepted, in which case the supervisor would value her even more. So I attempted to undermine her enthusiasm, saying she was only working hard to win people’s admiration, and that she was just doing all this for the sake of reputation and status. Hearing me say this, Mo Han felt constrained in her duty. Another time, I noticed the supervisor kept fellowshipping to resolve Mo Han’s state, and I felt jealous. When it was my turn to fellowship, I used the pretense of knowing myself to go out of my way and say in front of the supervisor, “I’ve been too demanding of Mo Han. I just felt that since she’s believed in God for all these years, she should have truth realities, so I wanted her to help me with my life entry. But when she didn’t help me, I started to look down on her.” I also mentioned things like how other brothers and sisters I’d met before would help me. After saying this, I felt guilty. The supervisor asked Mo Han what she thought. Mo Han said, “What she’s said makes me feel quite distressed. I feel that although I understand some doctrines after believing in God for so many years, I don’t have much truth reality or love for her.” Seeing that the sister could still accept from God and reflect on herself, I felt deeply ashamed and wished the earth would just open up and swallow me. After this incident, I started to reflect on myself, and I realized that I was suppressing and belittling Mo Han for the sake of reputation and status. Later, I read God’s words exposing how antichrists suppress and exclude dissenters for the sake of status, and this gave me some understanding of the corruption that I revealed.

Almighty God says: “Antichrists’ public suppression of people, exclusion of people, attacks against people, and exposure of people’s problems are all targeted. Without a doubt, they use means such as these to target those who pursue the truth and can discern them. By breaking these people down, they achieve the goal of strengthening their own position. Attacking and excluding people like this is malicious in nature. There is aggression in their language and manner of speech: exposure, condemnation, slander, and evil calumny. They even twist facts, speaking of positive things as though they were negative and negative as though they were positive. Reversing black and white and mixing up right and wrong like this accomplishes antichrists’ goal of defeating people and ruining their name. What mindset is giving rise to this attack and exclusion of dissenters? Most of the time, it comes from a jealous mindset. In a vicious disposition, jealousy carries strong hatred with it; and as a result of their jealousy, antichrists attack and exclude people. In a situation such as this, if antichrists are exposed, reported, lose their status, and suffer an attack in their mind, they will not submit nor be happy about it, and it will be even easier for them to create a strong mindset of revenge. Revenge is a type of mindset, and it is also a type of corrupt disposition. When antichrists see that what someone did was damaging to them, that others are more capable than them, or that someone’s statements and suggestions are better or wiser than theirs, and everyone agrees with that person’s statements and suggestions, the antichrists feel their position is threatened, jealousy and hatred arise in their hearts, and they attack and take revenge. When taking revenge, antichrists generally deliver a preemptive blow to their target. They are proactive in attacking and breaking people down, until the other party submits. Only then do they feel they have let off steam. What other manifestations are there of attacking and excluding people? (Belittling others.) Belittling others is one of the ways it is manifested; no matter how good a job you do, antichrists will still belittle you or condemn you, until you are negative and weak and cannot stand. Then they will be happy, and they will have accomplished their goal” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Two: They Attack and Exclude Dissenters). “What kind of disposition is it when a person sees someone who is better than them and they try to bring them down, spreading rumors about them, or employing despicable means to denigrate them and undermine their reputation—even trampling all over them—in order to protect their own place in people’s minds? This is not just arrogance and conceit, it is the disposition of Satan, it is a malicious disposition. That this person can attack and alienate people who are better and stronger than them is insidious and wicked. And that they will stop at nothing to bring people down shows that there is much of a devil in them! Living by the disposition of Satan, they are liable to belittle people, to try to stitch them up, to make things hard for them. Is this not evildoing? And living like this, they still think they’re okay, that they’re a good person—yet when they see someone better than them, they are liable to give them a hard time, to trample all over them. What is the issue here? Are people who are capable of committing such evil deeds not unscrupulous and willful? Such people only think of their own interests, they only consider their own feelings, and all they want is to achieve their own desires, ambitions, and aims. They don’t care how much damage they cause to the work of the church, and they would prefer to sacrifice the interests of the house of God to protect their status in people’s minds and their own reputation. Are people like this not arrogant and self-righteous, selfish and vile? Such people are not only arrogant and self-righteous, they are also extremely selfish and vile. They are not considerate of God’s intentions at all. Do such people have God-fearing hearts? They do not have God-fearing hearts at all. This is why they act wantonly and do whatever they want, without any sense of blame, without any trepidation, without any apprehension or worry, and without considering the consequences. This is what they often do, and how they have always behaved. What is the nature of such behavior? To put it lightly, such people are far too jealous and have too strong a desire for personal reputation and status; they are too deceitful and insidious. To put it more harshly, the essence of the problem is that such people have no God-fearing heart at all. They are not frightened of God, they believe themselves to be of utmost importance, and they regard every aspect of themselves as being higher than God and higher than the truth. In their hearts, God is not worthy of mention and is insignificant, and God does not have any status in their hearts at all” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). Reading God’s words, I felt really fearful and distressed. Scenes of cooperating with Mo Han in my duties kept flashing through my mind. When I started to get some results with the shots I’d taken and saw that the supervisor was paying more attention to me, I felt I was talented. When it came time to select a team leader, I thought I would definitely be chosen. But when Mo Han was chosen, I felt really negative and downcast, and I became resentful and jealous toward Mo Han, thinking she’d stolen my spotlight. To regain my position in the supervisor’s eyes, I began trying to squeeze Mo Han out. Not only did I often take the opposite stance as her, but when I noticed flaws in the shots she’d taken, I ridiculed and belittled her to undermine her enthusiasm. When I saw her delimiting herself, I secretly rejoiced, and I hoped for her to keep sinking further into negativity, that way, the supervisor would see her as incapable and value me again. When I saw her running about scouting locations, I was afraid that she might get some good shots and make the leader value her more, so I accused her of pursuing reputation and status to attack her. Even during gatherings, I felt discontent when the supervisor fellowshipped with her more, so I belittled her in front of the supervisor, trying to make the supervisor see her as lacking in truth reality and love for others. My unscrupulous attempts to suppress my sister were truly despicable and wicked! In what way were these evil deeds of mine any different from the way antichrists behave to protect their status? Ever since cooperating with me, Mo Han had always been tolerant and patient with me. At times when I was in a bad state, she would share her experiences to guide and help me. She was aware of her shortcomings in technical areas, she kept striving to learn, and she worked hard to take good shots. No matter the hardships and exhaustion she faced during outdoor shoots, she rarely complained. Whether in her life entry or in her attitude toward her duties, she was better than me, and her selection as the team leader was entirely in line with principles. Yet out of jealousy, I repeatedly suppressed and excluded her. I was truly devoid of humanity! God has been dissecting the disposition of antichrists in fellowship, yet I’d failed to view myself in light of this and reflect on myself, and I continued to follow my corrupt disposition to suppress my sister. I didn’t even have the most basic God-fearing heart. How could my actions not incur God’s disgust and loathing? The more I recalled my interactions with Mo Han, the more remorseful and guilty I felt. I hated myself for not pursuing the truth and for following my satanic nature to commit so many evils.

During that time, I felt so despondent. Whenever I thought about how I had committed evil and walked the path of antichrists for the sake of reputation and status, I was filled with regret. Often, in the dead of night, I would hide under the covers and cry silently. I didn’t even dare open up to the brothers and sisters, as I was afraid that they’d be disgusted at and reject me once they knew I was like this, and that I might even lose the chance to do my duties. I didn’t dare pray to God either, as I felt that someone like me must have long since incurred God’s disgust and loathing, and so God wouldn’t listen to my prayers. In this way, I sank into a state of extreme negativity and pain.

One day, I read a passage of God’s words that moved me deeply. Almighty God says: “Regardless of how angry God had been with the Ninevites, as soon as they declared a fast and donned sackcloth and ashes, His heart began to soften and He began to change His mind. When He proclaimed to them that He would destroy their city—the moment prior to their confession and repentance for their sins—God was still angry with them. Once they had carried out a series of repentant acts, God’s anger for the people of Nineveh gradually transformed into mercy and tolerance for them. There is nothing contradictory about the coinciding revelation of these two aspects of God’s disposition in the same event. So, how should one understand and know this lack of contradiction? God expressed and revealed each of these two polar-opposite essences before and after the people of Nineveh repented, allowing people to see the realness and the unoffendableness of God’s essence. God used His attitude to tell people the following: It is not that God does not tolerate people, or that He does not want to show mercy to them; rather, it is that they rarely truly repent to God, and it is rare that people truly turn away from their evil ways and abandon the violence in their hands. In other words, when God is angry with man, He hopes that man will be able to truly repent, and indeed He hopes to see man’s true repentance, in which case He will then liberally continue to bestow His mercy and tolerance upon man. This is to say that man’s evil conduct incurs God’s wrath, whereas God’s mercy and tolerance are bestowed upon those who listen to God and truly repent before Him, upon those who can turn away from their evil ways and abandon the violence in their hands. God’s attitude was very clearly revealed in His treatment of the Ninevites: God’s mercy and tolerance are not at all difficult to obtain, and what He requires is one’s true repentance. As long as people turn away from their evil ways and abandon the violence in their hands, God will change His heart and His attitude toward them” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique II). When I read this passage of God’s words, I felt an indescribable emotion. I felt God’s mercy toward me. It was as if I was seeing a ray of light in a dark dead end. I thought about all the evil I’d done for the sake of reputation and status, and about the harm I’d caused my sister, yet God hadn’t given up on me and was instead continuing to enlighten and guide me with His words, allowing me to see the issues within myself, and to understand that when being revealed, sinking into self-abandonment, negativity, and weakness is useless, and that the most important thing is to repent. I thought of how the people of Sodom and Nineveh had both committed evil to the point of God deciding to destroy them. But the people of Nineveh realized that their actions were loathsome to God to the extent that they were on the brink of destruction, and they were able to come before God in time to repent and confess their sins. Because of their genuine repentance, they received God’s mercy. I saw that although God hates people’s evil deeds, He still cares for and has mercy toward people, and He gives people every opportunity to repent. I was deeply moved. God’s love for humanity is so real! Reflecting on my nearly one year of working with Mo Han, I saw that I’d always been jealous of her and squeezed her out, and that I never reflected on myself. I was so numb. If it hadn’t been for the judgment and exposure of God’s words, I wouldn’t have been able to see the problems within me at all, and I would have continued to act out of my satanic nature and commit more evils. God’s judgment and chastisement are His protection and love! With this in mind, I gained resolve and I prayed to God, saying I was willing to face the problems within myself head on and repent to Him.

After this, I read God’s words: “For antichrists, reputation and status are not some additional requirement, much less something extraneous that they could do without. They are part of the nature of antichrists, they are in their bones, in their blood, they are innate to them. Antichrists are not indifferent toward whether they possess reputation and status; this is not their attitude. Then, what is their attitude? Reputation and status are intimately connected to their daily lives, to their daily state, to what they pursue on a daily basis. And so for antichrists, status and reputation are their life. No matter how they live, no matter what environment they live in, no matter what work they do, no matter what they pursue, what their goals are, what their life’s direction is, it all revolves around having a good reputation and a high status. And this aim does not change; they can never put aside such things. This is the true face of antichrists, and their essence. You could put them in a primeval forest deep in the mountains, and still they would not put aside their pursuit of reputation and status. You can put them among any group of people, and all they can think about is still reputation and status. Although antichrists also believe in God, they see the pursuit of reputation and status as equivalent to faith in God and give it equal weight. Which is to say, as they walk the path of faith in God, they also pursue their own reputation and status. It can be said that in antichrists’ hearts, they believe that pursuit of the truth in their faith in God is the pursuit of reputation and status; the pursuit of reputation and status is also the pursuit of the truth, and to gain reputation and status is to gain the truth and life. If they feel that they have no reputation, gains, or status, that no one admires them, or esteems them, or follows them, then they are very disappointed, they believe there is no point in believing in God, no value to it, and they say to themselves, ‘Is such faith in god a failure? Is it hopeless?’ They often deliberate such things in their hearts, they deliberate how they can carve a place out for themselves in the house of God, how they can have a lofty reputation in the church, so that people listen when they talk, and support them when they act, and follow them wherever they go; so that they have the final say in the church, and fame, gain, and status—they really focus on such things in their hearts. These are what such people pursue. Why are they always thinking about such things? After reading the words of God, after hearing sermons, do they really not understand all this, are they really not able to discern all this? Are the words of God and the truth really not able to change their notions, ideas, and opinions? That is not the case at all. The problem lies in them, it is wholly because they do not love the truth, because, in their hearts, they are averse to the truth, and as a result, they are utterly unreceptive to the truth—which is determined by their nature essence” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). God says that everything antichrists do is for their own reputation and status, and that they treasure reputation and status as if it were their very life. They will stop at nothing to fight for status, even at the cost of harming the interests of God’s house. Reflecting on my attitude toward reputation and status, was it not the same as that of antichrists? Ever since achieving some small results in doing my photography duty and gaining my value in the supervisor’s eyes, I felt I was remarkable and really enjoyed being valued by others. To maintain a good image in the leader’s eyes, I felt any cost or hardship I endured in doing my duty was worth it, as though the admiration of others was everything to me. When I saw the supervisor choose Mo Han as the team leader, I felt that she’d taken my place in others’ hearts, and I felt unbearable pain. To me, losing others’ high regard felt like losing my backbone. I felt totally paralyzed. To regain my value in the supervisor’s eyes I mocked, ridiculed, excluded, and suppressed Mo Han. Not only did I commit evil, hurt my sister, and delay the church’s work, but I also fell into darkness and lived in immense suffering. All of this was caused by my relentless pursuit of reputation and status. I lived by the satanic poisons of “In all the universe, only I reign supreme,” and “There can only be one alpha male,” and I wanted to be the only one who stood out. When I saw the supervisor paying a bit more attention to my sister, I became jealous and resentful. I even regarded her as an enemy and found myself unable to tolerate her. I was walking the path of an antichrist! I saw that reputation and gain are invisible shackles that Satan places upon people, and that they are tools for corrupting and harming people. If it weren’t for the exposure and judgment of God’s words awakening my numb heart, I would still be living by my corrupt disposition, and if I continued this way, sooner or later, I would have offended God’s disposition by committing all kinds of evils, and I would have ended up being eliminated and punished by God.

Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “If people only pursue fame, gain, and status—if they only pursue their own interests—then they will never gain the truth and life, and ultimately, they will be the ones who suffer a loss. God saves those who pursue the truth. If you do not accept the truth, and if you are incapable of reflecting upon and knowing your own corrupt disposition, then you will not truly repent, and you will have no life entry. Accepting the truth and knowing yourself is the path to growth in life and to attaining salvation, it is the chance for you to come before God to accept His scrutiny, judgment, and chastisement, and to gain the truth and life. If you give up on pursuing the truth for the sake of pursuing fame, gain, and status and your own interests, this is tantamount to giving up on the opportunity to accept God’s judgment and chastisement, and to attain salvation. You are choosing fame, gain, and status and your own interests, but what you are giving up is the truth, and what you are losing is the life, and the chance to be saved. Which means more? If you choose your own interests and give up on the truth, is this not foolish? To put it in vernacular terms, this is suffering a great loss for the sake of a small advantage. Fame, gain, status, money, and interests are all temporary, they are all ephemeral, whereas the truth and life are eternal and immutable. If people resolve the corrupt dispositions that cause them to pursue fame, gain, and status, then they have hope of attaining salvation. Moreover, the truths that people gain are eternal; Satan cannot take these truths away from people, nor can anyone else. You relinquish your interests but what you gain are the truth and salvation; these results are yours, and you gain them for yourself. If people choose to practice the truth, then even though they have lost their interests, they are gaining God’s salvation and eternal life. Those people are the smartest ones. If people give up the truth for the sake of their interests, then they lose the life and God’s salvation; those people are the most foolish ones” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Knowing One’s Disposition Is the Foundation of Changing It). After reading God’s words, I understood that the attainment of fame, gain, and status is only temporary, and that only gaining the truth is eternal. Seeking God’s intentions in the things that happen to us and letting go of personal interests to conduct ourselves according to God’s requirements is the way to gain God’s approval. This is the most valuable way to live a life. I thought of Job, who, despite his illustrious position and status, didn’t dwell on his position. When he held high status and was admired by others, he didn’t indulge in pleasure but continued to fear God and shun evil. When God’s trials came upon him, and he lost his status, children, and possessions, he still praised God’s righteousness while sitting in ashes. He didn’t care about others’ opinions or views of him, and instead, he just submitted to the circumstances God arranged for him. Through his actions, Job demonstrated the proper likeness a created being should live out. Reflecting on myself, I’d gained a little temporary admiration from others just because I knew some technical skills and had gotten some good shots, and so I lost sight of my position and status. I thought I was remarkable and that others should view me as important. When I saw others surpass me, I became jealous and resentful. I even did evil and hurt others. Compared to Job, I was completely unreasonable and shameless!

Shortly afterward, Sister Zhang Nuo was transferred to our group. Before long, she was chosen as the team leader. When I saw that the sisters around me would consult Zhang Nuo about things they didn’t understand in their work, and that sometimes the supervisor praised Zhang Nuo for her sense of burden in her duties and for her diligence in studying technical skills, I felt quite upset and dejected. In the past, the supervisor had valued me more, but now, with Zhang Nuo around, I seemed inferior to her. One day, as I was sitting at my computer, I reflected on what I was revealing. Why did I feel upset when I saw Zhang Nuo excel? Why did I feel so dejected when the sisters around me admired her? Was it not because it touched upon my reputation and status? So I prayed to God, “Almighty God, my desire to compete has surfaced again. I don’t want to be bound and constrained by reputation and status anymore. Regardless of what others think of me, I only wish to do my duty well. Please protect my heart.” Afterward, I read a passage of God’s words: “If someone else is better than you and understands the truth more than you do, then you should learn from them—isn’t this a good thing? This is something everyone should rejoice about. For example, there was Job, that man among the followers of God in human history. Was this a glorious thing that happened in God’s six-thousand-year management work, or was it a disgraceful thing? (It was a glorious thing.) It was a glorious thing. What attitude should you adopt toward this matter? What perspective should you have? You should be happy for God and celebrate Him, praise God’s might, praise that God has gained glory—this was a good thing” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Seven: They Are Wicked, Insidious, and Deceitful (Part One)). God’s words made everything suddenly clear to me. Indeed, when brothers and sisters achieve improving results in their duties, doesn’t it show that God’s work in people is bearing fruit? This is something that brings comfort to God’s heart. This is a good thing! I couldn’t be bound by my corrupt disposition and be hostile to God any longer. The next day, I took the initiative to open up about my state with Zhang Nuo. After practicing like this, I felt a great sense of liberation in my heart, and my relationship with her became much closer. Later, the supervisor would sometimes still mention that Zhang Nuo was progressing quickly in her technical skills and had cultivating potential. When I saw the supervisor place such great importance on her, I sometimes still felt dejected, but it wasn’t as painful as it used to be. Instead, I focused on learning from her and drawing from her strengths. Practicing this way made me feel much more relaxed and liberated in my heart, and with her help, I also made some progress in my technical skills.

This experience of being revealed was painful for me, but it was also precious, and I am truly grateful to God for arranging such a situation for me to experience. The changes I have been able to gain are entirely due to God’s love!