Li Han, China

In November 2005, when my daughter was nine months old, my husband was suddenly diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia, type M5. He passed away less than a month later. I was only 23 years old at the time, and I was left in extreme anguish. I had lost my husband at such a young age. How could I get through the rest of my life? For my daughter to have a good family environment for a healthy childhood, my in-laws urged me to live with my child’s uncle. A year after my husband passed away, I agreed to marry my brother-in-law. At the time, I was concerned about whether my daughter would be genetically susceptible to her father’s disease, so I consulted an expert. The expert said, “There is a possibility that susceptibility could be passed on. But your daughter is still young, so there’s no need to check for it too early.” I was so worried that my daughter would also contract leukemia and leave me like her father had, so I constantly lived in worry and anxiety. My mother-in-law was also unkind to me and often got angry. I felt that life was meaningless and I thought about dying on numerous occasions. But for the sake of my child, I struggled on living.

In November 2008, my mother and a sister preached Almighty God’s gospel of the last days to me. I started to talk about what had happened in my family. The sister then fellowshipped with me, “All this misery that humans experience is brought by Satan. Man was created by God, and as God cannot bear to see people suffer, He came from heaven to earth to save people and help them cast off the harm inflicted by Satan. From now on, if we believe in God, follow God, read God’s words often, and understand the truth, then we will suffer no more. God is mankind’s support.” The sister also read to me the chapter of God’s words entitled, “God Presides Over the Fate of All Mankind.” When I heard the words of God, it was as if I had taken a pill that miraculously calmed my mind. Now I had support! God has authority and power. He could create the heavens and earth and all things. God is in charge of every person’s destiny. As long as I believe in God properly and entrust my daughter to God, God will protect her. Afterward, I quit my job and actively attended gatherings and did my duty. I wasn’t constrained at all, either by hardships or the persecution of my husband. With all my heart, I just wanted to do my duty well. I felt that God would surely bless me when He saw my efforts and expenditures. In the next few years, my daughter was in very good health. She barely even caught colds. I thought that it was so good to believe in God, and my will to follow God grew even stronger.

In the blink of an eye, it was the end of 2014, and my daughter was ten years old. After celebrating New Year, I went out of town to do my duties. I had only been gone a few days when my mother-in-law called to say that my daughter had a fever and a cold that was not getting better at all. I thought to myself, “It’s just a common illness. Just take her to the hospital for a check over and she’ll be fine.” I didn’t take it seriously at all. Half a month later, my mother-in-law suddenly called to ask me to go back right away. She said that they’d taken my daughter to the county hospital for a check up, and a blood test of my daughter had shown that her white blood cell levels were too high. There was a possibility it could be leukemia, and she needed to go to the city hospital for further investigations. When I heard this news, I was dumbstruck, thinking, “Leukemia? Isn’t this the same as her dad’s disease? Isn’t it all over if she gets it? Her dad passed away less than a month after he contracted it. How long would my daughter live with this disease?” I felt terror and fear in my heart. I was worried that my daughter would leave me at any time. I briefly handed over my work to the sister I was partnered with, and hurriedly got a bus home. I wept constantly on the bus. I kept praying to God in my heart, asking God to protect my heart so it could calm down and submit to this circumstance. Then I thought again, “I have just been elected to be a leader, and I am doing my duty. This may be a test from God. I have to have faith in God. When God sees my faith, He may take my daughter’s illness away. Or maybe it could just turn out to be anemia.” In my heart, I spoke to God, “Dear God, You know that I am of small stature. May You protect my daughter from leukemia. I will go back to take my daughter for a check-up, and a few days later I will return to do my duty.” After praying, I didn’t feel so sad at heart anymore. When I got home, I saw my daughter’s haggard and sallow complexion. Her lips had no color in them, and there was a festering sore at the corner of her mouth. I was desperately sad, and turned my face to one side as I choked back tears. My husband and I took our daughter to the city hospital for an examination. Along the way, I tried my hardest to restrain my innermost emotions, afraid that if I couldn’t hold back my tears, I would lose control. After going to the hospital for the examination, the doctor said that my daughter’s white blood cell count was particularly high, and that her red blood cell count and platelet count were too low. His current assumption was that this was probably leukemia. Leukemia can be acute lymphocytic or acute myeloid, and he recommended performing a bone marrow aspiration to investigate. As my daughter was very weak, the doctor asked us to pay attention to the situation during the examination and to be mentally prepared. When I heard the doctor say this, I felt weak all over. I thought to myself, “Is this not leukemia? We are only one bone marrow test away from a conclusion. How could my daughter get this illness?” The more I thought, the more anguished I became, and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I constantly argued back to God in my heart, “God, I believe in You sincerely and earnestly, and I entrusted my daughter to You. How could my daughter still get such a serious illness? God, I have only believed in You for a few years, and my stature is small. If I were to lose my child, I would not be able to bear it!” As I waited in anguish and torment, I constantly prayed to God, hoping that He would keep my heart quiet before Him.

I remembered how Job was tried, and lost his children without complaining about God. I quietly turned on my MP5 player and read God’s words in secret: “After God said to Satan, ‘All that he has is in your power; only on himself put not forth your hand,’ Satan departed, soon after which Job came under sudden and fierce attacks: First, his oxen and donkeys were plundered and some of his servants killed; next, his sheep and some more servants were consumed in fire; after that, his camels were taken and even more of his servants were murdered; finally, his sons’ and daughters’ lives were taken away. This string of attacks was the torment suffered by Job during the first temptation. As commanded by God, during these attacks Satan only targeted Job’s property and his children, and did not harm Job himself. Nevertheless, Job was instantly transformed from a rich man possessed of great wealth to someone who had nothing. No one could have withstood this astonishing surprise blow or properly reacted to it, yet Job demonstrated his extraordinary side. The Scriptures provide the following account: ‘Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down on the ground, and worshipped.’ This was Job’s first reaction after hearing that he had lost his children and all of his property. Above all, he did not appear surprised, or panic-stricken, much less did he express anger or hate. You see, then, that in his heart he had already recognized that these disasters were not an accident, or born from the hand of man, much less were they the arrival of retribution or punishment. Instead, the trials of Jehovah had come upon him; it was Jehovah who wished to take his property and children. Job was very calm and clear-headed then. His perfect and upright humanity enabled him to rationally and naturally make accurate judgments and decisions about the disasters that had befallen him, and in consequence, he behaved with unusual calm: ‘Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down on the ground, and worshipped.’ ‘Rent his mantle’ means that he was unclothed, and possessed of nothing; ‘shaved his head’ means he had returned before God as a newborn infant; ‘fell down on the ground, and worshipped’ means he had come into the world naked, and still without anything today, he was returned to God as if a newborn baby. Job’s attitude toward all that befell him could not have been achieved by any created being. His faith in Jehovah went beyond the realm of belief; this was his fear of God, his submission to God; he was not only able to give thanks to God for giving to him, but also for taking from him. Furthermore, he was able to take it upon himself to return to God all that he owned, including his life” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). “Job’s fear and submission toward God is an example to mankind, and his perfection and uprightness were the peak of the humanity that ought to be possessed by man. Though he did not see God, he realized that God truly existed, and because of this realization he feared God, and due to his fear of God, he was able to submit to God. He gave God free rein to take whatever he had, yet he was without complaint, and fell down before God and told Him that, at this very moment, even if God took his flesh, he would gladly allow Him to do so, without complaint. His entire conduct was due to his perfect and upright humanity” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). I saw how when the death of his children and the seizure of his property came upon him, Job never argued back or complained. He never asked God, “I believe in You, so why have I lost my children and my property?” He understood that these events came upon him with God’s permission, and was able to treat them calmly. He did not sin by his lips, and he was even able to prostrate himself on the ground and worship God, saying, “Jehovah gave, and Jehovah has taken away; blessed be the name of Jehovah” (Job 1:21). Job showed true faith and true obedience to God. When I found out that my daughter very probably had leukemia, I was afraid that she might leave me at any time, and complained that God had not protected or blessed her. I was arguing with God in my heart, because I didn’t want to lose my daughter. I saw that I did not have any submission to God at all. Not only did I complain about God, but I also argued back with God and made demands of God. Compared to Job, I truly was absolutely lacking in reason! In the past, I used to feel like I really loved God. Only when this event came upon me did I see that there were impurities in my belief. I wanted to obtain blessings and grace from God, and wanted God to keep my daughter from contracting the leukemia her father had. I saw that my belief in God was actually trying to use God, bargain with God, and trick God. I was not a true believer in God. When I understood this, I felt distressed in my heart. I felt indebted to God. I hurriedly hid away somewhere with nobody around, and prayed to God in tears, “Dear God, I thank You for allowing me to read these words. I am willing to imitate Job, and submit to Your sovereignty and arrangements. If my daughter has leukemia, I am willing to accept and submit to it.” With the leadership of God’s words, my heart felt much better, and I was willing to face reality.

After the test results came back, the doctor said that my daughter was confirmed to have leukemia, and that it wasn’t just ordinary leukemia, but M5 type myeloid leukemia, which is very difficult to cure. The doctor said, “The child has had a fever for too long, and came to the hospital too late. The illness has worsened already, and it is even dangerous to perform chemotherapy. If you have money, we could give your daughter a bone marrow transplant, but even getting the transplant might not save her life. This disease has a survival rate of 1 in 1,000,000, and she will only survive for three months at the most. In addition, during chemotherapy, your daughter wouldn’t be able to eat, and would vomit and lose her hair. Your daughter is very weak, and if she can’t stand up to the chemotherapy she might be in danger of dying at any time. You have to be mentally prepared.” When I heard the doctor say this, I was absolutely desperate. My daughter was so young, and if the chemotherapy was too much for her, then she might die at any time. I prayed to God with a beseeching tone, “Dear God, the doctor has said that my daughter can only live for three months at the most. If she cannot stand up to the chemotherapy, then she may leave us at any time. Dear God, these last few years I have been constantly away from home doing my duties, and I have not been with my child. I never complained when my family tried to block me or my relatives and neighbors mocked me. Can You let my child live a while longer for the sake of my efforts and expenditures so that I may look after her a little more and make up my debt to my child?” After praying, I realized that maybe I was being unreasonable in making demands of God like this. I thought of God’s words: “You hope that your faith in God will not entail any challenges or tribulations” “for your face to be untouched by grit.” As soon as people weren’t paying attention, I hurriedly turned on my MP5 player and read God’s words: “You hope that your faith in God will not entail any challenges or tribulations, or the slightest hardship. You always pursue those things that are worthless, and you attach no value to life, instead putting your own extravagant thoughts before the truth. You are so worthless! You live like a pig—what difference is there between you, and pigs and dogs? Are those who do not pursue the truth, and instead love the flesh, not all beasts? Are those dead ones without spirits not all walking corpses? How many words have been spoken among you? Has only a little work been done among you? How much have I provided among you? So why have you not gained it? What do you have to complain of? Is it not the case that you have gained nothing because you are too in love with the flesh? And is it not because your thoughts are too extravagant? Is it not because you are too stupid? If you are incapable of gaining these blessings, can you blame God for not saving you? What you pursue is to be able to gain peace after believing in God, for your children to be free from illness, for your husband to have a good job, for your son to find a good wife, for your daughter to find a decent husband, for your oxen and horses to plow the land well, for a year of good weather for your crops. This is what you seek. Your pursuit is only to live in comfort, for no accidents to befall your family, for the winds to pass you by, for your face to be untouched by grit, for your family’s crops to not be flooded, for you to be unaffected by any disaster, to live in God’s embrace, to live in a cozy nest. A coward such as you, who always pursues the flesh—do you have a heart, do you have a spirit? Are you not a beast? I give you the true way without asking for anything in return, yet you do not pursue. Are you one of those who believe in God? I bestow real human life upon you, yet you do not pursue. Are you no different from a pig or a dog? Pigs do not pursue the life of man, they do not pursue being cleansed, and they do not understand what life is. Each day, after eating their fill, they simply sleep. I have given you the true way, yet you have not gained it: You are empty-handed. Are you willing to continue in this life, the life of a pig? What is the significance of such people being alive?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Experiences of Peter: His Knowledge of Chastisement and Judgment). God’s words exposed my state precisely. I felt deeply ashamed. I believed in God for many years, and energetically did my duty not in order to pursue the truth and submit to God, but for the safety of my family and to keep my daughter free from illness. After accepting God’s work of the last days, I realized that God rules over people’s destinies, and God can save people, so I regarded God as my support, and felt like I had entered a safe by believing in God. In order to obtain blessings from God, I actively did my duty, and no matter how much my family tried to obstruct me or how much my relatives and neighbors mocked me, I was not constrained. When the doctor said that my daughter had three months to live at most, and that she might die at any time if the chemotherapy was too much for her, I tried to haggle over terms with God because I was afraid of losing my daughter. I wanted God to give my daughter longer to live because of my efforts and expenditures. My daughter’s illness comprehensively revealed my intention to obtain blessings. When I believed in God and did my duty, I was just trying to use God and trick God. People in religion believe in God merely to gain blessings from God. They don’t understand God’s work or God’s disposition, nor can they submit to God. Even if they believe to the end, they will never win God’s approval. Today, God is doing His work of judgment and purification. If I did not pursue the truth and did not pursue changing my dispositions, instead only wanting to gain blessings, was I not the same as people in religion? Only then did I realize that God was using this circumstance to purify and save me. Otherwise, I would never have understood the corruption, impurities, and satanic dispositions I had within me. I was very remorseful, and repented to God. I would not make demands of God anymore. My duty is something that I should perform by rights. I shouldn’t make demands of God based on the efforts I have made. I was willing to entrust my daughter to God, and let God be sovereign over and arrange everything. I would look after my daughter day by day for as long as she lived. As for how long she would live, that was at the mercy of God’s orchestration.

She didn’t vomit during chemotherapy, and didn’t have any painful reactions. She was able to eat well. Meanwhile, some patients around her vomited terribly, couldn’t eat, and ran fevers. They had very serious complications. When I saw all this, I realized it was God’s protection of her. However, half a month later my daughter scratched her nose and it got infected. At first, she said that her nose hurt, then a few days later, she said her head hurt. The doctor said that she had a low immune response because she had fewer white blood cells. The infection in her nose caused a systemic inflammatory response, which might trigger other complications. Her headache could be a viral infection that had reached her brain. If the virus spread through her brain, it would be very hard to control. In serious cases, a craniotomy would be required. This costs a lot of money and carries a risk of death. After the doctor left, my husband said to me, “If we had money, we would be able to give our daughter several cycles of chemotherapy and she would be able to live a few months longer, but we don’t even have enough for one cycle of chemotherapy.” Then he blamed me for not earning money, otherwise we’d have been able to pay for more cycles of chemotherapy for our daughter. When I heard my husband say this, I felt really upset in my heart. If the virus really had infected her brain, then the money we had was not enough for even one round of chemotherapy. Where would we get more money from after that? If we gave up on the chemotherapy, then our daughter might die at any time, and we’d never see her again. The more I thought about it, the more anguished I felt. Ever since I quit my job several years ago I had been watering newcomers and preaching the gospel instead of going to work and earning money. If I hadn’t quit my job back then, then wouldn’t I have earned enough over these years to give my daughter treatment for longer? At this moment, I realized that my thoughts were incorrect. Was I not complaining about God? I silently prayed to God, begging Him to protect my heart. I realized that I needed to read God’s words. Without God’s words, I would not be able to stand firm. I said to my daughter, “I’m running back to make you some food. You’re a young Christian: If your head hurts, you should pray to God.” She said, “Mom, I am willing to pray.”

When I got back, I turned on my MP5 player and read one passage of the words of God: “Because people do not recognize God’s orchestrations and God’s sovereignty, they always face fate defiantly and with a rebellious attitude, and they always want to cast off God’s authority and sovereignty and the things fate has in store, hoping in vain to change their current circumstances and alter their fate. But they can never succeed and are thwarted at every turn. This struggle, which takes place deep in one’s soul, brings profound pain of the sort that carves itself into one’s bones, as one fritters away their life all the while. What is the cause of this pain? Is it because of God’s sovereignty, or because a person was born unlucky? Obviously, neither is true. At bottom, it is caused by the paths people take, the ways they choose to live their lives” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique III). From God’s words, I saw that each person’s destiny is preordained by God. Although on the surface it appeared that my daughter’s susceptibility to this illness was inherited from her father, it was actually God’s sovereignty. It was her destiny to suffer in this way. However, I wanted to use my own abilities to change my child’s destiny. I thought that if I had money, I could pay for a longer course treatment for her and keep her alive. This was because I didn’t understand God’s sovereignty. I thought of a child from a neighboring village who contracted leukemia. His family had money to pay for treatment, but he died after only a couple of months of treatment. Money cannot prolong a person’s life. God is sovereign over and arranges a person’s life and death. When a person’s allotted span is up, no amount of money can save them. I thought of when Job lost his children. Although he felt great pain and sadness, he never sinned by his lips and never complained about God. He was able to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements. Abraham fathered a son at the age of a hundred. When God asked him to sacrifice his son to God later, he felt pain and reluctance, but he was able to submit to God’s sovereignty. He didn’t argue with God or haggle over terms, and in the end, he sacrificed Isaac. In their hours of anguish, Job and Abraham were able to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements. They were fearful and submissive to God, and did not live by affection. From when I started believing in God to now, I constantly lived by affection. I never once submitted to God’s orchestrations and always wanted God to keep my daughter safe, trying to haggle over terms with God. I was utterly lacking in reason! When I realized this, I didn’t worry about my child’s illness as much.

When I got back to the hospital, my daughter said, “Mom, I have seen God’s almightiness. After you left, my head started hurting again, and I prayed to God. After I prayed, my head didn’t hurt anymore.” From then on, my child’s head never hurt again, and the virus did not spread through her brain. I constantly thanked God in my heart. When my child was in the hospital, she prayed to God every day, and she slowly adapted to the chemotherapy. Her condition basically stabilized. A year passed in a flash, and my daughter’s condition did not deteriorate. In the blink of an eye, it was April 2016 and it was already time for my daughter’s seventh round of chemotherapy. At this time, she had developed a slight cough, and when the test results came back, they showed that the virus had recurred and infected her lungs. The situation was more serious than the first time. This was already a high-risk period, and her life was in danger at any moment. When I heard this, I felt indescribably sad. I realized that this might be the end of my daughter’s allotted span. I prayed to God that He may give me the strength not to complain about God and to submit. The medical bills were quite high this time, and we didn’t have the means to pay anymore. The nurses were pressing for payment of the bills. My daughter overheard and said sadly, “Mom, if my medication is discontinued, will I die?” Later, she wrote me a note that said, “Why did I get this illness? I’m so young, I want to go to school. I don’t want to die. I haven’t enjoyed this world yet …” When I read this, I was so distressed it felt as if my heart was being crushed. Although I knew that my child’s life was in God’s hands, I still didn’t want to lose her.

Later, I read this passage of the words of God: “The death of a living being—the termination of a physical life—signifies that the living being has passed from the material world into the spiritual realm, whereas the birth of a new physical life signifies that a living being has come from the spiritual realm into the material world and begun to undertake and play its role. Whether it be the departure or arrival of a being, both are inseparable from the work of the spiritual realm. By the time someone comes into the material world, suitable arrangements and definitions have already been formed by God in the spiritual realm as to which family that person will go to, the era in which they will arrive, the hour at which they will arrive, and the role they will play. As such, this person’s entire life—the things they do, and the paths they take—will proceed according to the arrangements made in the spiritual realm, without the slightest deviation. Furthermore, the time when a physical life terminates and the manner and place in which it ends are clear and discernable to the spiritual realm. God rules the material world, and He also rules the spiritual realm, and He will not delay a soul’s normal cycle of life and death, nor could He ever commit any errors in the arrangements of that cycle. Each of the attendants in the official posts of the spiritual realm carries out their individual tasks, and does that which they ought to do, in accordance with the instructions and rules of God. Thus, in the world of mankind, every material phenomenon beheld by man is in order, and contains no chaos. All of this is due to God’s orderly rule over all things, as well as the fact that His authority rules over everything. His dominion includes the material world that man lives in and, moreover, the invisible spiritual realm behind mankind. Therefore, if humans wish to have a good life, and hope to live in nice surroundings, in addition to being provided with the entire visible material world, they must also be provided with the spiritual realm, which no one can see, which governs every living being on behalf of mankind, and which is orderly. Thus, having said that God is the source of life for all things, have we not heightened our awareness and understanding of ‘all things’? (Yes.)” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique X). After reading the words of God, I understood that God is sovereign over and arranges people’s lives. Each and every soul has a mission as it comes and then departs, or departs to come again. A person’s life and death is arranged without the slightest error by God in the spiritual realm. When a person’s soul returns to the spiritual realm, it is also in God’s hands, who has made suitable arrangements. The length of every person’s allotted lifespan is preordained by God. I should submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and face the death of my daughter with serenity. When I understood this, I fellowshipped with my daughter, “In the spiritual realm, each of us is a lonely drifter. It was God who brought us to this material world, and allowed us to enjoy all that God created. The breath in our lungs was given by God. If God had not given you this breath, then even after I gave birth to you, you would not have been able to live. You see, some children die as soon as they are born. At least you’ve lived this long, and have enjoyed all the things that God has given us. Isn’t that much better than their lives? So no matter how long we live for, we have to submit to God’s arrangements.” After hearing this, my daughter wasn’t as scared. After being discharged from the hospital, my daughter played with her friends. She looked very cheerful. She said to me, “Mom, each day God allows me to live, I thank God for giving me this breath. If one day my allotted lifespan is up, I will submit.” Two months later, on June 26, 2016, my daughter left me forever. Because of the leadership of God’s words, I was able to treat my daughter’s passing correctly, and my heart was very serene.

In those sorrowful days, it was God’s words that led me out, one step at a time, and enabled me to view things in accordance with God’s words, understand my fallacious viewpoints of pursuing blessings in my belief, realize that both life and death are predestined by God, face my daughter’s death with serenity, and walk out of my anguish. I truly experienced how God’s words are the truth, the way and the life.