By Yishan, China

My father had a stuttering problem, and I had the same issue from a young age. It was fine when I wasn’t meeting strangers, but whenever I met new people, I would get nervous and stutter when I spoke. My brother and sister would say to me, “Look at how you talk, can’t you just speak slower?” Their criticism really upset me. Even my own siblings disliked and looked down on me. I felt deeply inferior and often cried out of grievance. In elementary school, once the teacher picked me to answer a question, I got really nervous, and as I was talking, I suddenly started stuttering and couldn’t get my words out, and my classmates all burst out laughing. It was utterly humiliating. After that, I stopped raising my hand to speak whenever the teacher asked us to, because I was afraid of being laughed at by my classmates. Such episodes from those years cast a shadow over my young heart. I constantly felt inadequate and deeply inferior. I was also very confused, wondering, “Why can’t I speak as fluently as others? Why do I stutter?” After I got married, my husband teased me for stuttering, saying, “You’re a grown adult, but you can’t even talk properly. If you were a cow, I’d have traded you long ago.” Whenever I talked to my children, I would also sometimes stutter when I was anxious, and my children would laugh at me, “Look, Mom’s stuttering again. Can’t you talk slower?” My children and husband often said things like this to me. I felt like a useless wimp in life, and my self-esteem was in tatters. After that, I avoided talking too much, and I wouldn’t dare speak in front of strangers, as this way, no one would know I had a stutter, and they wouldn’t make fun of me.

In 2003, I accepted God’s work of the last days. I knew I had a stuttering problem, so when I attended gatherings with brothers and sisters, I rarely fellowshipped. The brothers and sisters encouraged me to fellowship more and simply open up, saying it was the only way to grow in life. They also said, “Everyone has flaws, don’t let yours constrain you.” When I saw that they didn’t disdain me but instead encouraged and helped me, I was very touched and felt that it was truly wonderful to believe in God. I’d never experienced such a feeling before, and from then on, I didn’t feel so constrained.

Later, I was chosen as a church leader. One day, the upper leaders arranged for me to do my duty at Chengdong Church. I thought to myself, “If I go to Chengdong Church, and the brothers and sisters find out that I stutter, what will they think of me? Will they laugh at me? That would be so embarrassing! I don’t want to go.” The upper leaders saw what was on my mind and fellowshipped with me, saying it was a training opportunity. Based on reason, I agreed to take the post. At Chengdong church, when I gathered with the leaders and deacons, I was somewhat nervous because they were all unfamiliar faces, and I was afraid they would look down on me if I continued to stutter, so I was hoping for the gathering to wrap up quickly. But the more nervous I got, the more I stuttered, and I felt very embarrassed. Looking around, I saw that some brothers and sisters had their heads down, and others remained silent. I felt so upset. I thought to myself, “They must be thinking, ‘How did a stutterer end up here?’ If I don’t fellowship, they’ll say I lack the truth realities, but if I continue, I’ll just keep stuttering.” I had no choice but to struggle on and keep fellowshipping. I stuttered a lot at that gathering, and I barely made it to the end. I’d initially planned to ask them about their states, but then I thought, “What if they have problems or difficulties? I’d have to fellowship with them using God’s words. If I stutter again, they’ll definitely laugh at me. Forget it, best not to ask.” The upshot was that no results came from that gathering, and the work that needed to be implemented wasn’t carried out properly either, delaying the work. On the way back home, I felt a deep sense of anguish and complained to myself, “Why do I have this stutter? Why don’t other people stutter?” I felt so inferior, always thinking I was a step down from everyone else. After that, whenever I attended gatherings with leaders and deacons, I felt constrained. I was afraid of stuttering again and being laughed at or looked down on, so I tried to fellowship as little as possible. I’d just make some general comments about the work that needed to be implemented, which led to the work not producing good results. I knew that my constantly being constrained by my stuttering was impacting the work, so I often brought my state before God in prayer, wishing for God to guide me so that I wouldn’t be constrained by it. Sometimes, when I started stuttering again while speaking, I would cover my mouth with my hand so people wouldn’t see my lips trembling from stuttering. During gatherings, I always had other brothers and sisters read out God’s words, and when I absolutely couldn’t avoid it, I’d only read small sections. This way, fewer people would know that I stuttered. But living like this was so painful. I felt so stifled and exhausted. It was also impacting my performance of my duty.

One time, I opened up to a sister, “I stutter when I speak, and I’m afraid you’ll all look down on me, so I don’t have the courage to fellowship.” The sister said, “I hadn’t even noticed that you stutter when you speak. Sometimes, when I hear you stop mid-sentence, I just think you’re too constrained to continue.” The sister also encouraged me, saying, “Nobody’s perfect. Have you ever heard of a person without flaws? God’s words tell us that everyone has flaws and shortcomings. Don’t be constrained by this, just pursue the truth earnestly. Your stuttering is caused by nervousness, but you don’t need to worry about this. Just focus on your duty, and gradually, you’ll stop being constrained by your stuttering.” I felt somewhat relieved to hear my sister say this. Later, I watched an experiential testimony video which brightened my heart and encouraged me greatly. One passage of God’s words quoted in it in particular addressed my state directly. Almighty God says: “There are some problems that cannot be resolved by people. For example, you may be prone to becoming nervous when speaking to others; when you are faced with situations, you may have your own ideas and viewpoints but cannot articulate them clearly. You feel particularly nervous when many people are present; you speak incoherently and your mouth trembles. Some people even stutter; for others, if there are members of the opposite sex present, they are even less able to articulate themselves, simply not knowing what to say or what to do. Is such a situation easy to overcome? (No.) At least in the short term, it’s not easy for you to overcome this flaw because it’s part of your innate conditions. If after several months of training you are still nervous, the nervousness turns into pressure, which negatively affects you by making you afraid to speak, meet people, attend gatherings, or give sermons, and these fears can defeat you. … Therefore, if you can overcome this defect, this flaw, in the short term, then do so. If it is difficult to overcome, then don’t bother with it, don’t struggle against it, and don’t challenge yourself. Of course, if you cannot overcome it, you should not be negative. Even if you can never overcome it in your lifetime, God will not condemn you, for this is not your corrupt disposition. Your stage fright, your nervousness and fear, these manifestations do not reflect your corrupt disposition; whether they are innate or caused by the environment later in life, at most, they are a defect, a flaw of your humanity. If you cannot change it in the long term, or even in a lifetime, do not dwell on it, do not let it constrain you, nor should you become negative because of it, for this is not your corrupt disposition; there is no use in trying to change it or struggle against it. If you cannot change it, then accept it, let it exist, and treat it correctly, because you can coexist with this defect, this flaw; your having it does not affect your following God and doing your duties. As long as you can accept the truth and do your duties to the best of your abilities, you can still be saved; it does not affect your acceptance of the truth and does not affect your salvation. Therefore, you should not often be constrained by a certain defect or flaw in your humanity, nor should you often become negative and discouraged, or even give up your duty and give up pursuing the truth, missing the chance to be saved, for the same reason. It’s totally not worth it; that is what a foolish, ignorant person would do” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). Reflecting on God’s words, I came to understand that stuttering is a human defect and flaw, and that it’s not a corrupt disposition and doesn’t impact a person’s pursuit of the truth or their salvation. I couldn’t allow myself to be constantly constrained or negative because of a single flaw, or even to give up on pursuing the truth, otherwise, I would miss my chance to be saved, and this would be ignorant and foolish behavior. I reflected on how, for so many years, because of my stuttering problem, even when I’d known I should open up and fellowship to gain God’s enlightenment and guidance during gatherings, I was afraid my brothers and sisters would notice my stuttering, so I didn’t dare to fellowship. After going to Chengdong Church, I felt even more constrained by my stuttering, and the more I was afraid that others would notice, the more nervous I became, and the worse my stuttering got. Consequently, I found no enjoyment in gatherings at all. I didn’t look into or resolve the issues and difficulties the leaders and deacons were having, and gatherings would be ended hastily without work being properly implemented. I was often constrained by my stuttering and didn’t dare to open up and fellowship during gatherings. This not only caused losses to my own life entry but also didn’t benefit my brothers and sisters. It also delayed the church’s work. I saw how foolish and ignorant I had been. God says: “If you cannot change it in the long term, or even in a lifetime, do not dwell on it, do not let it constrain you, nor should you become negative because of it, for this is not your corrupt disposition; there is no use in trying to change it or struggle against it. If you cannot change it, then accept it, let it exist, and treat it correctly, because you can coexist with this defect, this flaw; your having it does not affect your following God and doing your duties. As long as you can accept the truth and do your duties to the best of your abilities, you can still be saved; it does not affect your acceptance of the truth and does not affect your salvation.” Reading God’s words, my heart felt warm and filled with encouragement. I thought about how, ever since childhood, I’d been looked down on and disdained because of my stuttering problem. I’d often wallowed in feelings of inferiority, thinking I wasn’t as good as others. But God didn’t shun me and even encouraged me to earnestly pursue the truth and salvation. I felt that God truly loves people, and the heavy weight upon my heart finally lifted. Since God doesn’t disdain my defect, I had to face it correctly, and even if this defect of mine were to never change within my lifetime, I shouldn’t be constrained by it. Instead, I had to focus on pursuing the truth and doing my duty well. Realizing these things, I came before God and prayed, “Oh God, I understand Your intention now. I am willing to face my defect and flaw correctly and stop complaining. I will submit and do my duty properly.”

After praying, I pondered further, “Why am I always constrained by my stuttering? What kind of corrupt disposition causes this?” I then searched for God’s words to read. Almighty God says: “Instead of searching for the truth, most people have their own petty agendas. Their own interests, face, and the place or standing they hold in other people’s minds are of great importance to them. These are the only things they cherish. They cling to these things with an iron grip and regard them as their very lives. And how they are viewed or treated by God is of secondary importance; for the moment, they ignore that; for the moment, they only consider whether they are the boss of the group, whether other people look up to them, and whether their words carry weight. Their first concern is with occupying that position. When they are in a group, almost all people look for this kind of standing, these kinds of opportunities. When they’re highly talented, of course they want to be top dog; if they are of middling ability, they’ll still want to hold a higher position in the group; and if they hold a low position in the group, being of average caliber and abilities, they, too, will want others to look up to them, they won’t want others to look down on them. These people’s face and dignity are where they draw the line: They have to hold on to these things. They could have no integrity, and be possessed of neither God’s approval nor acceptance, but they absolutely cannot lose the respect, status, or esteem they have strived for among others—which is the disposition of Satan. But people have no awareness of this. It is their belief that they must cling to this scrap of face to the very end. They are not aware that only when these vain and superficial things are completely relinquished and put aside will they become a real person. If a person guards these things that should be discarded as life, their life is lost. They do not know what is at stake. … So you get coverage—what then? People think highly of you—so what? They idolize you—so what? Does any of this prove you have the truth reality? None of this has any value. When you can overcome these things—when you become indifferent to them, and no longer feel them important, when face, vanity, status, and people’s admiration no longer control your thoughts and behavior, much less how you perform your duty—then your performance of your duty will become ever more effective, and ever more pure” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). From the exposure of God’s words, I realized that regardless of how great one’s abilities or caliber are, everyone wants to be admired by others. Thinking back, I’d stuttered since childhood, and even my siblings had shunned and looked down on me. And at school, I was ridiculed by classmates, so I felt really inferior. After getting married, even my husband and children mocked me, hurting my self-esteem even further. I even cried out of grievance. I was so concerned with my pride! I thought about how, ever since childhood, I’d been influenced by satanic poisons like “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” I paid particular attention to my pride. Because of my stuttering, I was afraid of being laughed at and looked down on, meaning I often found myself wallowing in inescapable feelings of negativity and pain. I couldn’t fellowship what I should have in gatherings or do the work that I should have done properly. But God’s house didn’t disdain me or treat me based on my defect. Instead, I was entrusted with leadership duties and encouraged to properly pursue the truth and salvation. Was this not God’s love? Yet my excessive obsession with my pride kept me from doing my duties that I should have done. Was this not rebelling against God? In reality, even if others admired me, it would be worthless without God’s approval. Pursuing reputation and status could never change my life disposition, and instead, it would make me ever more negative, and ultimately, I would be spurned and eliminated by God for not doing my duties well. Realizing this, I felt both fearful and guilty. I’d never imagined that wallowing in pride and status could have such serious consequences. From then on, I wanted to let go of pride and status, treat my stuttering correctly, and fellowship normally with my brothers and sisters.

One day, I was discussing a task with my partner and felt nervous again. I was afraid of what she would think of me if I started stuttering. She’d previously pointed out that I stopped talking in mid-sentence, and since we hadn’t worked together long, she didn’t know about my stuttering. I wondered, “If I cut off mid-sentence again, will she shun me?” As I was speaking, I suddenly got stuck and stopped talking. The sister said, “Why do you keep cutting off mid-sentence? Can’t you express yourself clearly?” I thought to myself, “Is she going to shun me now?” I felt somewhat constrained. At that moment, I realized my thinking was wrong, and I silently prayed to God in my heart, “God, I’m afraid of my sister looking down on me because of my stuttering. I don’t want to be constrained by this anymore. Please guide me to treat my defect correctly.” After praying, I recalled a passage of God’s words I’d read before, so I read them again. Almighty God says: “As long as you can pursue the truth, and you can do your duty with all your heart, all your strength, and all your mind according to the principles, and your heart is sincere, and you are not being perfunctory toward God, then you have hope of being saved. If someone says, ‘Look at how useless and timid you are. You get so nervous over just speaking a few words, and your whole face turns red,’ then you should say, ‘I have poor caliber and I’m not good at speaking. If you encourage me, then I will have the courage to train myself in this regard.’ Don’t think that you are no good, or that you’re an embarrassment. Since you know that these are your defects and problems with your humanity, you should face up to them and accept them. Don’t be affected in any way due to them. As for when these defects and faults will change, don’t concern yourself with that. Just focus on living and doing your duty normally in this way. You just have to remember: These defects and faults of humanity are not negative things or corrupt dispositions, and as long as they are not corrupt dispositions, they will not impact your performance of your duty or your pursuit of the truth, and even less will they impact your attainment of salvation; of course, what’s even more important is that they won’t impact how God views you. Doesn’t that put your mind at ease?” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). I was really moved and inspired when I read this passage of God’s words, especially when God says: “You just have to remember: These defects and faults of humanity are not negative things or corrupt dispositions, and as long as they are not corrupt dispositions, they will not impact your performance of your duty or your pursuit of the truth, and even less will they impact your attainment of salvation; of course, what’s even more important is that they won’t impact how God views you. Doesn’t that put your mind at ease?” My defect and flaw isn’t a negative thing, nor is it a corrupt disposition, and so long as I pursue the truth diligently and do my duties according to principles, God will guide me. I shouldn’t be constrained by my stuttering any longer. Regardless of what brothers and sisters might think, I had to open up and speak about my defect, and I shouldn’t feel ashamed, much less should I be constrained. I had to face it correctly. So, I told the sister, “I’ve had a stutter ever since I was a child. I will try my best to speak more slowly in the future and complete my sentences so others can understand me.” After saying this, I no longer felt constrained.

Later, when I read out God’s words during gatherings and got stuck, I would read slowly. Sometimes when I got nervous and started to stutter, I would pause for a moment, adjust my mindset, and then carry on speaking. This helped me a little. It was God’s words that guided me to understand this defect of mine correctly. I am no longer constrained by it and finally feel liberated. Thank God!