By Qiu Yan, China

I grew up in the countryside, and my parents didn’t get much of an education, so they had no choice but to toil in the fields from dawn to dusk. My father often told me, “In our family, only your uncle made something of himself by studying hard. Now he’s a senior official in the city. I didn’t study hard when I was young, so now I can only make a living from farming. You must study hard in the future—don’t end up with no prospects like me.” When my uncle returned to the village in a fancy car, and everyone sang his praises and looked at him with admiration, I was incredibly envious. Then I looked at the indifference the villagers treated my dad with, and I suddenly realized that only by studying can a person get ahead and be respected wherever they go, and that without education, people will always look down on you. I resolved that I had to study hard, distinguish myself, and gain the admiration of those around me. So, I studied really hard, putting in several times the effort of others, but I didn’t do well in the high school entrance exam and only got into a regular vocational school. What was even more unexpected was that when I graduated, the government implemented layoffs, downsizing, and efficiency-driven policies, and I was essentially laid off before I had even officially started work. It seemed like the sky had collapsed on me and that my life had no more hope or direction, and I felt I had no hope of standing out in life anymore. After I got married, my husband worked as a manual laborer due to his average education level, and our quality of life was mediocre. Looking at my relatives and friends, I saw that those with education and degrees lived glamorous, superior lives, and that they frequented upscale places. Viewing myself alongside this, I felt even more strongly that without a high level of education, one can’t succeed in this society, and that my life would always be this way. So I felt that in the future, I had to educate my child well and help them earn a high-level degree, so they could bring honor to our family and ancestors and earn the admiration and praise of our fellow villagers. That way, I too could gain glory.

When my daughter was four years old, I accepted God’s work of the last days. At that time, I attended gatherings twice a week, and the rest of the time, I’d be with my daughter reviewing English flashcards, reciting classic poems, and teaching her basic addition and subtraction. I wanted her to develop a love for learning from a young age. When she was in third grade, I started focusing on tutoring her in English and math, wanting her grades to surpass those of her peers so that in the future, she could have a good job and live a life of glory and success. I would often tell my daughter to study hard so that she could stand out in the future. But my daughter was always introverted and timid, and when I spoke to her about these things, she’d look at me in confusion, seeming to only half-understand, but she’d reluctantly go along with what I asked of her. Sometimes when I saw her getting tired of studying, I would patiently explain why she needed to study, and that only with good grades could she have a good future and job opportunities. Seeing the helpless look on her face, I thought to myself, “It’s the responsibility and obligation of parents to educate their child well. She may not understand me now, but when she grows up, she’ll understand my painstaking intentions.”

By fifth grade, I noticed my daughter’s math grades were very poor. Although her teacher explained things patiently, her classmates helped tutor her, and she tried hard to do the exercises herself, her exam results were still always unsatisfactory. Sometimes she would even fail. Seeing this, I became extremely anxious, thinking, “If this carries on, my daughter won’t get into a key high school, let alone a top college. Won’t that mean she won’t accomplish anything in the future?” So I sternly told my daughter, “Without good grades, you won’t get into your ideal school and you’ll amount to nothing. In the eyes of others, you’ll be a nobody and your whole life will be a failure. If you want to stand out in the future, you’ve got to find a way to quickly improve your math scores. If not, I won’t let you get away with it.” My daughter looked at me timidly, too afraid to speak, her face pale with fear. Seeing her like that, I softened a bit—she was trying hard, and her poor math grades weren’t because she refused to learn. I wondered if I had gone too far. But then I thought, “If I’m not strict now, she might not have good job opportunities later. I’d rather she hates me now than have no future.” So I continued, “You might not understand me now, but I’m doing this out of responsibility for your future—this is for your own good. You’ll understand one day.” After asking all around, I found out that there was a teacher called Ms. Sun who had many years of experience and was good at teaching math. So I immediately contacted her and asked her to tutor my daughter. When it was time for my daughter’s tutoring, I set aside my work and listened in as well. I noted the parts my daughter didn’t understand, and when we got home, I’d have her go over them again. When she still couldn’t do them, I’d get angry and yell at her, saying, “Do you think you’ll get into a good school if you keep going like this?” My daughter recoiled in fear from my yelling, tears of hurt welling up in her eyes. Seeing this, I felt a bit upset and my heart felt heavy. I thought, “What am I doing? What am I taking my child for? Maybe I should just let things take their course—she can learn however much she can. What if all this pressure ends up making her depressed?” But then I immediately thought, “I can’t be soft at a critical moment like this. Easing up on her education now will directly affect her future. I have to fulfill my responsibility as a parent.” So I kept pushing my daughter to study. My daughter was born with a relatively introverted and timid personality, and under the pressure I applied, her self-esteem dropped even further. She was often startled awake by nightmares, she became increasingly withdrawn, her grades declined even further, and the relationship between us grew increasingly distant. Seeing this made me very anxious. On one hand, I was worried that her poor grades would affect her future, but on the other hand, I also felt sorry for her and felt guilty for pressuring her so much. These conflicting emotions were all tangled together, and I didn’t know what to do. I kept wondering, “Is treating my daughter like this love? If it is, shouldn’t it make her feel free and at ease? But I can clearly feel she has become more miserable, that her self-esteem has declined, and that she’s even lost her appetite. Not only have her grades not improved—they’ve declined even further, and she keeps getting startled awake by nightmares now. Could there be something wrong with the way I’m educating my child?”

I didn’t know what to do either, so I kept praying, asking God to guide me to understand my problems. One day, I read God’s words. “In fact, no matter how lofty man’s ideals are, no matter how realistic man’s desires are or how proper they may be, all that man wants to achieve, all that man seeks for, is inextricably linked to two words. These two words are vitally important to the life of every person, and they are things Satan intends to instill in man. What are these two words? They are ‘fame’ and ‘gain.’ Satan uses a very mild method, a method that’s very much in line with people’s notions, and that isn’t very aggressive, to cause people to unknowingly accept its means and laws of survival, develop life goals and life directions, and come to possess life aspirations. No matter how high-sounding the words which people use to talk about their life aspirations may seem, these aspirations are inextricably linked to ‘fame’ and ‘gain.’ Everything that any great or famous person—or, in fact, any person—chases throughout their life relates only to these two words: ‘fame’ and ‘gain.’ People think that once they have fame and gain, they have capital that they can use to enjoy high status and great wealth, and to enjoy life. They think that once they have fame and gain, they have capital that they can use to seek pleasure and to engage in wanton enjoyment of the flesh. For the sake of this fame and gain which they desire, people willingly, albeit unknowingly, hand over their bodies, hearts, and even all that they have, including their prospects and fates, to Satan. They do so without reservation, without even a moment’s doubt, and without ever knowing to reclaim everything that they once had. Can people retain any control over themselves once they have given themselves over to Satan and become loyal to it in this way? Certainly not. They are completely and utterly controlled by Satan. They have completely and utterly sunk into a quagmire, and are unable to free themselves” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique VI). God’s words helped me understand that for so many years, I had actually been living completely under Satan’s deception. I had taken the pursuit of knowledge, fame, and gain as my life’s goal, and I had become completely controlled by Satan and unable to extricate myself. I recalled how, from childhood, I had been indoctrinated by my parents, and I saw how my uncle was praised and looked up to because of his good education and job. Unknowingly, I’d come to live by the satanic poisons of “Man struggles upward; water flows downward” and “Stand out above the rest, and bring honor to your ancestors,” vainly trying to break free from God’s sovereignty, attain a high level of education, and become someone who stands above others. When I was a student, I worked several times harder than others so I could stand out, but I failed my high school entrance exam and couldn’t find a good job later. I began to give up on myself and I lost confidence in life. After my daughter was born, I placed all my hopes on her. To cultivate her interest in studying, I began instilling knowledge in her from a young age, and as a result, she lost the joy of childhood. When she started school and I saw that her math grades were always poor, I tried to find good tutors for her. But when she still didn’t meet my expectations even with tutoring, I yelled at her like I’d gone mad. Because I kept putting pressure on her, her young heart became burdened with enormous stress, and we became ever more distant from one another. Outwardly, it looked like I was doing all this for her own good, but in truth, I was forcing my own unfulfilled dreams onto her, making her realize them on my behalf. Clearly, my daughter wasn’t good at math and didn’t have a gift for it, but I still forced her to take tutoring to improve her grades, and when she didn’t improve, I got angry and even mocked her with harsh words. I showed no understanding or compassion toward her at all, and I just brought endless pain upon her. I treated my child as a tool to make me stand out, yet claimed what I was doing was for her own good. I was truly lacking in humanity! Realizing all this, I felt deeply remorseful. I didn’t want to keep being deceived and harmed by Satan.

One day during my devotionals, I read God’s words. “No matter how dissatisfied one is with one’s birth, maturation, or marriage, everyone who has gone through these things knows that one cannot choose where and when they were born, what they look like, who their parents are, and who their spouse is, but must simply accept the will of Heaven. Yet when it comes time for people to raise the next generation, they will project all the desires they failed to realize in the first half of their lives onto their descendants, hoping that their offspring will make up for all the disappointments of the first half of their own lives. … People know that they are powerless and hopeless in this life, that they will not have another chance or another hope to stand out from the crowd, and that they have no choice but to accept their fates. And so they project all their hopes, their unrealized desires and ideals, onto the next generation, hoping that their offspring can help them achieve their dreams and realize their desires; that their daughters and sons will bring glory to the family name, become important, rich, or famous. In short, they want to see their children’s fortunes soar. People’s plans and fantasies are perfect; do they not know that the number of children they have, their children’s appearance, abilities, and so forth, are not for them to decide, that not a bit of their children’s fates is in their hands? Humans are not the masters of their own fate, yet they hope to change the fates of the younger generation; they are powerless to escape their own fates, yet they try to control those of their sons and daughters. Are they not overestimating themselves? Is this not human foolishness and ignorance?” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique III). “What occupation one pursues, what one does for a living, and how much wealth one amasses in life are not decided by one’s parents, one’s talents, one’s efforts or one’s ambitions, but are predetermined by the Creator” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique III). God’s words exposed my true state. In the way I approached educating my daughter, I truly placed my earlier unfulfilled desires onto her, hoping she could make up for my unfulfilled desires to stand out. So I tried everything I could to change her destiny through my own efforts. In fact, every person’s destiny is in God’s hands, but I didn’t know God’s sovereignty. I lived by the fallacious ideas of “Knowledge can change your fate” and “A person’s destiny is in their own hands,” and I always wanted to break free of God’s sovereignty. I thought of all the laborers around me who’d attained high-level degrees, yet their destiny hadn’t changed because of knowledge. I was a prime example. I always tried to change my destiny by acquiring knowledge, but after graduation I was immediately laid off, and I didn’t even have the chance to be employed or use what I had studied. I saw that a person’s destiny is not in their own hands, and yet I delusionally tried to change my child’s destiny. I was so arrogant and ignorant, and I truly overestimated myself! A child’s destiny and career are preordained by God, and these aren’t things that can be changed through human effort or studying. I thought of my husband’s friend who, despite only having a primary school education, managed to open several chain stores all over the country, and many college graduates seek jobs there. This stark contrast made me see even more clearly that knowledge cannot change a person’s destiny, and that in educating my child, I should let things take their natural course. After that, I no longer forced my child to study according to my demands, and I also stopped enrolling her in cram classes. Instead, I entrusted everything about my child into God’s hands, being at the mercy of His orchestrations and arrangements, and I no longer tried to intervene with human will. I even brought my child before God, and whenever she had time, she would gather with brothers and sisters her age, and her mental state kept improving.

Later, I read God’s latest words, and I saw my problems more clearly. I also came to understand what responsibilities parents should actually fulfill toward their children. Almighty God says: “Within the subjective consciousness of parents, they envisage, plan, and determine various things about their children’s futures, and as a result, they produce these expectations. Under the instigation of these expectations, parents demand that their children study various skills, that they study theatre and dance, or art, and so on. They demand that their children become talented individuals, and that they are thereafter superiors, and not subordinates. They demand that their children become high-ranking officials, and not foot soldiers; they demand that their children become managers, CEOs, and executives, working for the top global 500 companies, and so on. These are all the subjective ideas of parents. … Their parents are pinning hopes on their children entirely on the basis of an adult’s way of looking at things, as well as an adult’s views, perspectives, and preferences about matters of the world. Isn’t this subjective? (Yes.) If you were to put it nicely, you could say that it is subjective, but what is it really? What is another interpretation of this subjectivity? Is it not selfishness? Isn’t it coercion? (It is.) You like this or that job and such-and-such career, you enjoy being established, living a glamorous life, serving as an official, or being wealthy in society, so you make your children do those things too, be that kind of person too, and walk that kind of path—but will they enjoy living in that environment and engaging in that work in the future? Are they suited to it? What are their destinies? What are God’s arrangements and rulings regarding them? Do you know these things? Some people say: ‘I don’t care about those things, what matters are the things that I, as their parent, like. I’ll pin hopes on them based on my own preferences.’ Isn’t that so selfish? (It is.) It is so selfish! To put it nicely, it’s very subjective, it’s calling all of the shots themselves, but what is it, in reality? It is very selfish! These parents don’t consider their children’s caliber or talents, they don’t care about the arrangements that God has for each person’s destiny and life. They don’t consider these things, they just force their own preferences, intentions, and plans onto their children through wishful thinking. Some people say: ‘I have to force these things onto my child. They’re too young to understand them, and by the time they do, it’ll be too late.’ Is that the case? (No.) If it really is too late, then that’s their fate, it’s not the responsibility of their parents. If you force the things that you understand onto your children, will they understand them quicker just because you understand them? (No.) … Even if parents teach their children from a young age, ‘You must hold something back when interacting with people,’ they will only take it as a kind of doctrine. They will only truly be able to act based on their parents’ advice when they have truly understood it. When they do not understand their parents’ advice, no matter how their parents try to teach them, it will still just be a kind of doctrine to them. Therefore, is the idea that parents have, that, ‘The world is so competitive, and people live under a great deal of pressure; if I don’t start teaching my children from a very young age, they will endure suffering and pain in the future,’ tenable? (No.) You are making your children shoulder that pressure early on so that they might suffer less in the future, and they have to bear that pressure starting at an age where they still don’t understand anything—in doing this, are you not harming your children? Are you really doing this for their own good? It is better that they do not understand these things, then they can live a few years in a comfortable, happy, pure, and simple way. If they were to understand those things early, would that be a blessing or a misfortune? (It would be a misfortune.) Yes, it would be a misfortune” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (18)). After reading God’s words, I realized how narrow and selfish my love for my child had been. In order to achieve my own goal of standing out, I unilaterally imposed my views onto her, I made plans for her future without considering her abilities or caliber, and I used forceful methods to make her study, applying pressure and constraints. After a while, when I saw no improvement in her grades, I screamed at her like I’d lost my mind, making her more and more withdrawn. I deprived her of freedom and space in order to satisfy my own desires, and in this, I was restraining and binding her. I loved fame and gain, and I always wanted to stand out, so when my own desires couldn’t be realized, I placed them on my daughter, forcing her to fulfill my desires, and putting excessive pressure on her to study. I never put myself in her shoes to consider what she liked or was good at. Even when I saw her becoming more and more introverted and feeling more and more inferior because of my pressure, I still insisted that she meet my expectations, causing her to live in constant pain. I was truly cruel and selfish. I thought of how young my daughter was, with such a pure heart, and at an age when all she wanted was to have fun, yet I had prematurely instilled in her satanic philosophies and laws, teaching her to pursue fame and gain in order to be admired, forcing her to bear pressures and pain that should not have been upon her at such a young age. This wasn’t love at all, but a form of psychological harm. If I truly loved my daughter and took responsibility for her, I should have educated her according to her interests and abilities, correctly guiding her on things like how to interact with others and how to respect people, instead of imposing my own desires on her. Reflecting on my actions, I felt deeply regretful, and I realized that I had no humanity. I had no love for my daughter, only selfish demands and expectations. I could no longer impose these inappropriate expectations on her.

After this, by reading God’s words, I understood the responsibility that I, as a mother, should fulfill. Almighty God says: “Through dissecting the essence of parents’ expectations for their children, we can see that these expectations are selfish, that they go against humanity, and that they furthermore have nothing to do with the responsibilities of parents. When parents impose various expectations and requirements on their children, they are not fulfilling their responsibilities. So, what are their ‘responsibilities’? The most basic responsibilities that parents ought to fulfill are teaching their children to speak, instructing them to be kindhearted and to not be bad people, and guiding them in a positive direction. These are their most basic responsibilities. In addition, they should assist their children in studying any kinds of knowledge, talents, and so on, that suit them, based on their ages, how much they can handle, and their caliber and interests. Slightly better parents will help their children understand that people are created by God and that God exists in this universe, leading their children to pray and read God’s words, telling them some stories from the Bible, and hoping that they will follow God and perform the duty of a created being after they grow up, rather than chasing worldly trends, getting trapped within various complicated interpersonal relationships, and being devastated by the various trends of this world and society. The responsibilities that parents ought to fulfill have nothing to do with their expectations. The responsibilities they should fulfill in their role as parents are to provide their children with positive guidance and appropriate assistance before they reach adulthood, as well as to promptly care for them in their fleshly lives with regard to food, clothing, housing, or at times when they fall ill. If their children become sick, parents should treat whatever illness needs to be treated; they should not neglect their children or tell them, ‘Keep going to school, keep studying—you can’t fall behind in your classes. If you fall too far behind, you won’t be able to catch up.’ When their children need to rest, parents should let them rest; when their children are sick, parents must help them to recuperate. These are the responsibilities of parents. In one respect, they must care for the physical health of their children; in another respect, they must guide, educate, and aid their children in terms of their mental health. These are the responsibilities that parents ought to fulfill, rather than imposing any unrealistic expectations or requirements on their children. Parents must fulfill their responsibilities when it comes to both their children’s mental needs and the things that their children need in their physical lives. Parents shouldn’t let their children freeze in the winter, they should teach them some general life knowledge, like under what circumstances they’ll catch a cold, that they should eat warm foods, that their stomachs will hurt if they eat cold foods, and that they shouldn’t casually expose themselves to the wind or undress in draughty places when the weather is cold, helping them learn to take care of their own health. In addition, when some childish, immature ideas about their futures, or some extreme thoughts arise in their children’s young minds, parents must promptly provide them with correct guidance as soon as they discover this, rather than forcibly suppressing them; they should get their children to express and vent their ideas, so that the problem can truly be resolved. This is fulfilling their responsibilities. Fulfilling the responsibilities of a parent means, in one respect, caring for their children, and in another respect, counseling and correcting their children, and giving them guidance regarding the correct thoughts and views” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (18)). “As their children grow, the responsibilities and obligations that parents should fulfill are to not put pressure on their children, bind them, or interfere with their choices, adding one burden after another. Instead, as their children are growing, regardless of their children’s personality and caliber, the responsibility of the parents is to guide them in a positive and benign direction. When peculiar and improper language, behavior, or thoughts emerge from their children, parents should provide timely spiritual advisement and behavioral guidance and rectification. As for whether their children are willing to study, how well they study, how much interest they have in learning knowledge and skills, and what they can do when they grow up, these should be tailored to their natural endowments and preferences, and the orientation of their interests, thus allowing them to grow up healthily, freely and robustly during the process of their upbringing—this is the responsibility that parents should fulfill. Moreover, this is the attitude parents should have toward their children’s growth, studies, and career, rather than forcing their own wishes, ambitions, preferences, and even desires on their children for them to realize” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (16)). From God’s words, I learned that a parent’s responsibility is to guide their child to learn normally based on their caliber and strengths, to offer positive and active guidance when problems arise during their growth, to discipline them when they do something wrong, and to bring them before God, allowing them to learn to discern between positive and negative things. As for the child’s future life, the kind of person they become or the career they pursue are all within God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and parents should accept and submit to God’s sovereignty. Based on God’s words, I ascertained my responsibility. When my daughter wasn’t busy with school, we read God’s words and listened to hymns together, and when I saw her having problems in her studies, I calmly analyzed and looked into the issues with her. I also told her to face things correctly without feeling pressured. Unexpectedly, my daughter’s grades improved slightly. Later, I saw that my daughter loved to paint, so I enrolled her in a painting class during her free time. My daughter developed her own hobbies, and her mental state improved as well. Through gatherings and reading God’s words, she also learned to rely on and look up to God. My daughter and I became closer and closer.

One day, on the way home from picking my daughter up from school, I saw a mother shouting at her daughter, criticizing her for her poor grades, and berating her with hurtful words. The little girl was trembling in fear. Upon seeing this, my daughter quietly whispered in my ear, “Mom, thanks to God’s salvation, I no longer suffer. You used to be just as harsh with me, but you’re not like that anymore, and you’ve become a good mom.” Hearing her say this, I felt a warmth in my heart, and I almost cried. My heart was filled with gratitude to God. It was God’s words that made me realize that human destiny is in His hands. Even more so, it was God’s words that showed me what the true responsibility of parents is when it comes to their children. I no longer forced my daughter to study, and this made me a good mom in her eyes. It was God’s words that changed me. I whispered softly in my daughter’s ear, “We should both thank God for His salvation.”

My daughter is now studying in a medical school, and though we sometimes discuss future employment issues, my heart is at peace, and I believe that everything is in God’s hands. No matter what my child’s employment situation may be, I am willing to submit to God’s arrangements, and I believe that God’s arrangements are always the best. This transformation and these gains were all due to the guidance of God’s words. Thank God!