By Zhang Liang, China

In 2016, I was elected as a leader in the church. I was partnered with Sister Zhang Jing to be responsible for the work of the church. I had only believed in God for a little over two years at that time. Zhang Jing had been a leader for a long time and had extensive work experience. In addition, her fellowship at gatherings was quite clear. Whatever difficulties the brothers and sisters had, she would be able to quickly find God’s words that were relevant to fellowship and help them. Everyone really admired her. I envied Zhang Jing a lot, and hoped that one day I could be just like her and win everyone’s admiration and approval. After a period of hard work, if I discovered that anyone had any kind of state during gatherings, I could also find some words of God very quickly and share fellowship incorporating my own experiences or a few examples. My brothers and sisters would listen and make notes attentively. I was very happy to see this scene, and felt that my brothers and sisters really approved of me. I fellowshipped with even greater energy as a result.

Once, several brothers and sisters in a church jointly reported a false leader. I didn’t know how to handle it at the time, so I prayed to God earnestly, and then sought fellowship with my brothers and sisters. Finally, the false leader was dismissed, and the work of the church returned to normal. After this incident, I started to admire myself: “I solved such a complicated problem in a few days. I have to show my brothers and sisters how it’s done. Despite my young age and the short time I’ve been believing in God, I can still handle complicated problems.” At gatherings, I would very animatedly discuss how I handled the letter of report, but I left out the details of how I was living amidst difficulties at the time, how I could not discern things, and how I had been negative. I mainly emphasized how complex the incident was, how bad the humanity of the false leader was, and how I sought the truth, staying composed and fearless to resolve the problem. At the time, everybody listened very earnestly. As I watched the envious look in their eyes, I felt good in my heart. I felt even more strongly that I had work capability. Another time, a sister was constrained in doing her duty because her nonbelieving family members were obstructing her. I discussed how I had been persecuted by my husband for believing in God, and how in the end I had left my family behind and spent all of my time doing my duty. I talked in great detail about how much I had suffered, how I had made my resolve, and how I had left my family behind. After listening to me, the sister really admired me. She said, “You were able to stand firm even though your husband persecuted you so terribly. You really suffered a lot. You truly have resolve!” Other brothers and sisters said, “You really know how to experience things. You pursue the truth more than us. Why is it that we are unable to practice the truth?” At the time, I said, “Our corruption is all the same. As long as we are willing to practice the truth, God will lead.” However, in my heart, I still admired myself greatly. I felt that I was pursuing the truth, and had greater stature than my brothers and sisters. If not, how would I have been able to leave my family behind to do my duty? And why would everyone have elected me to be a leader? Actually, when I was experiencing persecution by my husband, I had a lot of negativity and weakness. I even gave up my duty for a time. However, I just brushed over all this, or simply didn’t mention it. I felt, “If I say everything, everyone will surely think that I’m lacking in stature, and that I’m not any better than they are. In that case, who will still admire me in the future? Also, if I talk more about positive practice, that will also encourage my brothers and sisters. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Therefore, I didn’t think any more about it. Generally, when fellowshipping at gatherings I consciously talked more about positive understanding, but I did not mention my own corrupt dispositions and ugly thoughts and ideas. Alternatively, I would just talk in a simple way about general, surface-level corruptions, that everyone reveals. I was afraid that if people knew, they would not admire me anymore. I also, both consciously and unconsciously, talked about how busy my work was, how many things I had to do, and how I always worked until very late in the evening. My brothers and sisters then believed that I was able to bear suffering and pay a price, and that I bore a burden in doing my duty. They also said that I was able to fellowship on the truth to resolve problems, and that I was a person who pursued the truth. They all admired me and relied on me. Later, I discovered that every time I gathered with my co-workers, everyone would just pour out all the problems in their work in one stream and then not say very much. Throughout the whole gathering, I was the only person discussing things. I felt that something was wrong here—hadn’t the gatherings turned into a space where I alone could speak? When they had difficulties, they did not seek the truth, but just waited for me to resolve them. Was this not bringing them before me? I said to them that they must pray to God more, seek and fellowship more, and not rely on people alone. However, afterward they were still the same.

Later, I was dismissed because I was constantly spouting words and doctrines to show off during gatherings and fellowship, unable to resolve the problems, and my work had not been getting results. At the time, I didn’t think too much about it. I thought that if I was dismissed because I couldn’t do real work, then that was that: I should just be dismissed. In any case, I had given my all, and had not slacked off or been wily. However, I didn’t expect that after I was dismissed, some brothers and sisters didn’t permit it, and questioned why the leaders had dismissed me. The leaders asked me to reflect thoroughly on my own problems. That was when I felt scared. I thought to myself, “I was dismissed because of how I did my work, and now my brothers and sisters are defending me against what they see as injustice and protecting me. Haven’t I just brought them before me? This is walking the path of antichrists!” The more I thought, the more scared I became. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down, and earnestly prayed to God, “Dear God, I left my family and my job behind, and I wanted to do my duty properly. I never expected that I would not only fail to do my duty well, but also bring people before me. I am truly too rebellious! Dear God, I ask You to lead me to understand my problems so that I can repent and change.”

Next, I began to reflect on myself. In seeking, I read these words of God: “Exalting and testifying about themselves, flaunting themselves, trying to make people think highly of them and worship them—corrupt mankind is capable of these things. This is how people instinctively react when they are governed by their satanic natures, and it is common to all of corrupt mankind. How do people usually exalt and testify about themselves? How do they achieve the aim of making people think highly of them and worship them? They testify to how much work they have done, how much they have suffered, how much they have expended themselves, and what price they have paid. They exalt themselves by talking about their capital, which gives them a higher, firmer, more secure place in people’s minds, so that more people appreciate, think highly of, admire, and even worship, look up to, and follow them. To achieve this aim, people do many things that testify to God on the surface, but essentially exalt and testify about themselves. Is acting that way reasonable? They are beyond the purview of rationality and have no shame, that is, they unabashedly testify to what they have done for God and how much they have suffered for Him. They even flaunt their gifts, talents, experience, special skills, their clever techniques for worldly dealings, the means they use to toy with people, and so on. Their method of exalting and testifying about themselves is to flaunt themselves and belittle others. They also camouflage and package themselves, hiding their weaknesses, shortcomings, and deficiencies from people so that they only ever see their brilliance. They do not even dare to tell other people when they feel negative; they lack the courage to open up and fellowship with them, and when they do something wrong, they do their utmost to conceal it and cover it up. Never do they mention the harm they have caused to the work of the church in the course of doing their duty. When they have made some minor contribution or achieved some small success, however, they are quick to show it off. They cannot wait to let the whole world know how capable they are, how high their caliber is, how exceptional they are, and how much better they are than normal people. Is this not a way of exalting and testifying about themselves? Is exalting and testifying about oneself something someone with conscience and reason does? It is not. So when people do this, what disposition is usually revealed? Arrogance. This is one of the chief dispositions revealed, followed by deceitfulness, which involves doing everything possible to make other people hold them in high esteem. Their words are completely watertight and clearly contain motivations and schemes, they are showing themselves off, yet they want to hide this fact. The outcome of what they say is that people are made to feel that they are better than others, that no one is their equal, that everyone else is inferior to them. And is this outcome not achieved via underhanded means? What disposition is behind such means? And are there any elements of wickedness? (There are.) This is a kind of wicked disposition” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Four: They Exalt and Testify About Themselves). After reading the words of God, I reflected that after I was dismissed, the main reason my brothers and sisters did not permit it was that I had frequently exalted myself and put myself on display, and did not open up about my own deficiencies and corruptions, which led everybody to see only my good side. They fought against what they thought was an injustice on my behalf only because I had misled them. I thought about my handling of the letter of report. At first, I was confused too, and didn’t know how to handle it. Later, I only resolved the problem by earnestly praying to God, and seeking, discussing, and working together with my brothers and sisters. However, in front of them, I talked at great length about how I had been seeking, how I had discerned the false leader based on the truth principles, and how I had finally handled and resolved it. Everything I highlighted was about what I had done, so that everyone would look at me with new eyes. I also regularly grabbed chances to talk about how I had experienced persecution from my family to put myself on display. I talked in great detail about how I had been persecuted and how much I had suffered, but just brushed over my own weaknesses. I didn’t even mention a single word about how I had abandoned my duty and betrayed God, so that everyone would think that I had stature and knew how to experience things. I also frequently put on display how I suffered and paid a price in doing my duty, and consciously talked more about the positive way of practice and entry. I kept my own negativity and difficulties under wraps so that people would mistakenly think I pursued the truth more than they did and I had reality. I used these illusions to cheat and hoodwink my brothers and sisters. I truly was utterly wicked and vile! My brothers and sisters looked up to and admired me because I hoodwinked them. They even spoke up to protect me when the church dismissed me according to the principles because I was unable to do real work. These were all consequences of me exalting myself and putting myself on display. How was this doing my duty? I was blatantly resisting God and harming my brothers and sisters! I thought about how I had not done my brothers and sisters any good when I was a leader, instead misleading them and harming them, and I felt particularly miserable in my heart.

During that time, I prayed to God earnestly every day, asking for God’s help in resolving my problems. One day, I read these words of God: “Some people particularly idolize Paul. They like to go out and give speeches and do work, they like to attend gatherings and preach, and they like to have people listen to them, worship them, and revolve around them. They like to hold a place in the hearts of others, and they appreciate it when others value the image they present. Let us dissect their nature from these behaviors. What is their nature? If they really behave like this, then it is sufficient in showing that they are arrogant and conceited. They do not worship God at all; they seek higher status and wish to have authority over others, to possess them, and to hold a position in their hearts. This is the classic image of Satan. The aspects of their nature that stand out are arrogance and conceit, an unwillingness to worship God, and a desire to be worshiped by others. Such behaviors can give you a very clear view into their nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Know Man’s Nature). “If, in your heart, you truly understand the truth, then you will know how to practice the truth and submit to God, and will naturally embark on the path of pursuing the truth. If the path you walk is the right one, and in line with God’s intentions, then the work of the Holy Spirit will not leave you—in which case there will be less and less chance of you betraying God. Without the truth, it is easy to do evil, and you will do it despite yourself. For example, if you have an arrogant and conceited disposition, then being told not to oppose God makes no difference, you can’t help yourself, it is beyond your control. You would not do it on purpose; you would do it under the domination of your arrogant and conceited nature. Your arrogance and conceit would make you look down on God and see Him as being of no account; they would cause you to exalt yourself, constantly put yourself on display; they would make you scorn others, they would leave no one in your heart but yourself; they would rob you of God’s place in your heart, and ultimately cause you to sit in the place of God and demand that people submit to you, and make you venerate your own thoughts, ideas, and notions as the truth. So much evil is done by people under the dominance of their arrogant and conceited nature!” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Achieve a Change in Disposition). As I pondered the words of God, I realized that I constantly wanted people to revolve around me because my nature was too arrogant. I didn’t understand my identity or status, and was unwilling to be an ordinary person, steadfastly doing my duty. Instead, wherever I went, I wanted to make people admire and worship me. In order to achieve this aim, I would constantly spout words and doctrines during gatherings to put myself on display, so that people thought I had the truth reality. I also constantly put on display how I could resolve problems, bear suffering, and expend myself. I consciously kept the corruptions that I revealed and my negativity and weakness, under wraps. I presented people with the illusion of being highly resolved and diligently pursuing the truth in order to fraudulently win the admiration of my brothers and sisters. This caused my brothers and sisters to think that I had the truth reality and was able to resolve problems. When things came upon them, they would not pray to God and seek the truth, but instead relied on me to resolve it. They even fought against what they thought was injustice when I was dismissed. Thinking about it, I was a leader in the church. Things like handling letters of report and resolving problems were all part of my main work. Moreover, I was able to handle the matter well because I had God’s leadership and the fellowship and aid of my brothers and sisters. Only then could these results be achieved. I could not have achieved anything by relying on myself. I simply had no capital worth putting on display. Furthermore, I did suffer somewhat when I experienced persecution by my family, but if one believes in God and follows God in the country where the CCP holds power, they must suffer these hardships. This is so I can be saved. What’s more, I was often weak and negative, and even once abandoned my duties and betrayed God. If it hadn’t been for the leadership of the words of God, I would not have been able to stand firm on my own. However, I did not exalt God and bear witness to God. Instead, I exalted myself. I even felt happy and found it enjoyable when everybody admired me. I truly knew no shame at all! I saw there was no place for God in my heart, nor did I have the slightest hint of a God-fearing heart. I was blatantly a corrupt person, with no truth reality at all, yet I still tried to find covert ways to exalt myself and put myself on display, wanting to occupy a place of my own in the hearts of my brothers and sisters. I truly was too arrogant and lacking in reason! I then thought about Paul, and how he was extremely arrogant and conceited. He constantly wanted people to admire and worship him. As soon as he did a bit of work, he would put how he had suffered and how loyal he was on display, yet he never bore testimony to the Lord Jesus’ words. In the end, he even said, “To me to live is christ.” This is arrogant and blasphemous in the extreme. He offended God’s disposition and incurred God’s righteous punishment. Through the exposure of God’s words, I finally saw that my behavior in how I did things, and the disposition I revealed, were identical to those of Paul. I was walking the path of antichrists, resisting God. This had been condemned by God. I was terrified in my heart. I had not expected that after having believed in God for several years, I would end up as someone who resisted God. Would God still save me? Would He use this dismissal to reveal and eliminate me? The more I thought, the more anguished I became. So I prayed to God, asking Him to enlighten me so that I understood His intention.

Later, I read two passages of God’s words: “People are especially sensitive toward their own outcome and destination, and toward adjustments of their duty and being replaced in their duty. Some people frequently jump to an erroneous conclusion about such things, thinking that as soon as they are replaced in their duty and they have no status anymore, or God says He does not like or want them anymore, then it is over for them. This is the conclusion they come to. They believe, ‘There’s no point in believing in God, God doesn’t want me, and my outcome is already set, so what’s the point in living anymore?’ Others, hearing such thoughts, think them reasonable and dignified—but what kind of thinking is this, actually? It is rebelliousness against God, it is abandoning themselves to despair. Why do they abandon themselves to despair? It is because they don’t understand God’s intentions, they can’t clearly see how God saves people, and they don’t have true faith in God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Resolving One’s Notions Can One Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God (1)). “Hearing a single statement of condemnation from God, you think that, having been condemned by God, people have been abandoned by God, and will no longer be saved, and because of this you become negative, and abandon yourself to despair. This is misinterpreting God. In fact, God has not abandoned people. They have misinterpreted God and abandoned themselves. Nothing is more critical than when people abandon themselves, as fulfilled in the words of the Old Testament: ‘Fools die for want of wisdom’ (Proverbs 10:21). No behavior is more stupid than when people abandon themselves to despair. Sometimes you read God’s words that seem to delineate people; in fact, they are not delineating anyone, but are the expression of God’s intentions and opinions. These are words of truth and principle, they are not delineating anyone. The words uttered by God during times of anger or rage also represent God’s disposition, these words are the truth, and, moreover, belong to principle. People must understand this. God’s purpose in saying this is to allow people to understand the truth, and to understand the principles; it is absolutely not to delimit anyone. This has nothing to do with people’s ultimate destination and reward, much less are they people’s ultimate punishment. These are merely words spoken to judge and prune people, they are the result of anger at people not living up to His expectations, and they are spoken in order to wake people up, to prompt them, and they are words from God’s heart. And yet, some people fall down and forsake God because of a single statement of judgment from God. People like this don’t know what’s good for them, they are impervious to reason, they do not accept the truth at all” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Resolving One’s Notions Can One Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God (1)). From God’s words, I understood God’s painstaking intention. When failure and being revealed comes upon us, this does not mean we will be eliminated. If we can seek the truth in the midst of failure, learn lessons, and truly repent, this, for us, is salvation. I thought about how I always exalted myself and put myself on display when doing my duty. All along, I had been walking the path of antichrists without realizing it. When I was dismissed this time, I only thought that since I couldn’t do real work, then my duty would be altered and that would be fine. I did not reflect on myself at all. Only when the leaders reminded me to reflect on myself, and with the exposure of God’s words, did I understand that I had walked onto the wrong path long ago, and was doing evil and resisting God. I was really too numb! To me, this dismissal was an enormous protection. I was doing evil and it stopped me in my tracks. Otherwise, I would have ultimately been punished and would have still been unaware of what was going on. I saw that failure and being revealed did not mean elimination—instead, it was about making me understand myself and achieving repentance and change. I experienced God’s painstaking intention, and I was very moved. I had done so many things that resisted God but He still did not abandon my salvation. This truly was God’s love! I no longer misunderstood God, and was willing to repent to God.

Later, I read more of God’s words: “When bearing testimony for God, you should mainly talk about how God judges and chastises people, and what trials He uses to refine people and change their dispositions. You should also talk about how much corruption has been revealed in your experience, how much you have suffered, how many things you did to resist God, and how you were eventually conquered by God. Talk about how much real knowledge of God’s work you have, and how you should bear witness for God and repay Him for His love. You should put substance into this kind of language, while putting it in a simple manner. Do not talk about empty theories. Speak more down-to-earth; speak from the heart. This is how you should experience things. Do not equip yourselves with profound-seeming, empty theories in an effort to show off; doing so makes you appear quite arrogant and senseless. You should speak more about real things from your actual experience, and speak more from the heart; this is most beneficial to others, and most appropriate for them to see” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Achieve a Change in Disposition). “So, what way of acting is not exalting and testifying about oneself? If you show off and testify about yourself regarding a certain matter, you will achieve the result of making some people think highly of you and worship you. But if you lay yourself bare and share your self-knowledge regarding that same matter, the nature of this is different. Is this not true? Laying oneself bare to talk about one’s self-knowledge is something that ordinary humanity ought to possess. It is a positive thing. If you really know yourself and speak about your state accurately, genuinely, and precisely; if you speak about knowledge that is completely based on God’s words; if those who listen to you are edified and benefit from it; and if you testify to God’s work and glorify Him, that is testifying about God. … The key to discerning whether people are exalting and testifying about themselves or not is to look at the intention of the speaker. If your intention is to show everyone how your corruption was revealed, and how you have changed, and to enable others to benefit from this, then your words are earnest and true, and in line with the facts. Such intentions are correct, and you are not showing off or testifying about yourself. If your intention is to show everyone that you have real experiences, and that you have changed and possess the truth reality, so that they think highly of you and worship you, then these intentions are incorrect. That is showing off and testifying about yourself. If the experiential testimony you speak of is false, adulterated, and intended to hoodwink people, to stop them from seeing your true state, and to prevent your intentions, corruption, weakness, or negativity from being revealed to others, then such words are deceiving and misleading. This is false testimony, this is tricking God and bringing shame upon God, and it is what God hates most of all. There are clear differences between these states, and they can all be discerned based on intention” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Four: They Exalt and Testify About Themselves). From God’s words, I found a path of practice. When doing my duty, I must set the correct intention, and consciously exalt God, testify to God, and honor God as great in my heart. When talking about my experience, I must have a God-fearing heart. Whether it is my own negativity and weakness, or the revelation of my own corruption, I must always open up about it and lay it bare to let my brothers and sisters gain discernment of this type of corrupt disposition, know how to understand and resolve it, and draw edification and benefits from my experience. In addition, through opening up and laying myself bare, my brothers and sisters will be able to clearly see my genuine stature and the truth of my corruption, and that I have plenty of the corruption revealed by others, that some of my corrupt dispositions may be even more serious than those of other people, and that I am utterly unworthy of being admired and worshiped by others. Practicing in this way is also protecting myself.

When I understood this, I thought of how the leaders had said that everyone lacked discernment of me and asked me to reflect on myself. So I wanted to open up about my self-reflection and knowledge of myself in this period at gatherings and lay bare the corruption I had revealed. This way, everyone would be able to discern me. However, when it came to the time to actually speak, I felt a bit conflicted in my heart, “If my brothers and sisters all know about these things I have revealed and my behaviors, what will they think of me? Will they say I was a hypocrite all along? Will they reject me?” Then I became a bit unwilling to open up and fellowship. At that time, I remembered God’s fellowship about the repentance of the people of Nineveh. God says: “‘Turning away from one’s evil way’ means that those in question will never commit these actions again. In other words, they will never again behave in this evil way; the method, source, motive, intent and principle of their actions have all changed; they will never again use those methods and principles to bring enjoyment and happiness to their hearts. The ‘abandon’ in ‘abandon the violence in one’s hands’ means to lay down or to cast aside, to fully break with the past and to never turn back. When the people of Nineveh abandoned the violence in their hands, this proved and represented their true repentance. God observes people’s outward appearances as well as their hearts. When God observed the true repentance in the hearts of the Ninevites without question and also observed that they had left their evil ways and abandoned the violence in their hands, He changed His heart” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique II). The people of Nineveh repented to God in sackcloth and ashes. They abandoned their evil ways of the past and no longer did evil deeds. In the end, they won God’s mercy. In contrast, I only spoke about being willing to repent. But when an environment actually came upon me, I just wanted to protect my own face again. This was not genuine repentance! I must let go of my own face, and open up about the truth of my corruption with my brothers and sisters. I must let everyone see my true stature clearly, so they would not admire or worship me anymore, and would understand God’s righteousness from my failure, taking a warning from it. When I realized this, I opened up and fellowshipped about what I had revealed and how I had behaved since becoming a leader: how I had exalted myself and put myself on display. After I finished fellowshipping, my heart felt particularly liberated.

A few days later, the upper-level leaders arranged a duty for me. At the time, I was so excited that I cried. I never expected that when I truly repented to God, I would see His smiling face. God did not abandon me, nor did He treat me according to my transgressions. I was extremely moved. I secretly resolved, “In the future, I must have a God-fearing heart when doing my duty, consciously exalt God, bear testimony to God, do my best to pursue the truth, do my duties in a down-to-earth way, and stop putting myself on display.” Later, when I did my duties, I showed much more restraint. Every time I wanted to put myself on display, I consciously prayed to God, accepted His scrutiny, rebelled against my incorrect intentions, and no longer acted following my corrupt dispositions. When I practiced in this way, I felt very at ease at heart.