By Yixin, China

In 2003, I accepted God’s work of the last days. Soon after, without even realizing it, my stomach issues, low blood pressure, low blood sugar, and other illnesses healed. I was very happy and grateful. I thought to myself, “God not only cares for and protects people, but also expresses His words to cleanse and save people, and brings them into a beautiful destination. I’ve made the right choice in believing in God!” Every day, I would take time to read God’s words and learn hymns, and I was passionate about expending myself, and come rain or shine, cold or winds, I kept at my duty. During this time, my family persecuted me, relatives and neighbors mocked and slandered me, and the CCP also persecuted and hunted me, but these circumstances didn’t stop me from doing my duty. Every time I thought of these things, I counted my efforts and expenditures, and I felt that I was a true believer in God, and I was sure that by continuing in this way, I would be saved and survive. I felt very happy.

In 2020, I spent several days coughing, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. By 2021, my cough became more severe. I was coughing all day long, and when I lay down in particular, I couldn’t stop coughing. I would cough until I lost track of when I fell asleep, and I’d often feel dizzy, with heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and cold sweats. Before long, my weight dropped from over 100 pounds to around 80 pounds. Later, my condition worsened. The violent coughing made my whole chest and abdomen ache, leaving me unable to rest, and only by lying flat did I feel a little better. I became really sensitive to the cold. While others wore only light clothes, I had to wear thick clothes, and I had to cover myself with thick blankets while sleeping. Just doing light chores left me so exhausted that I could barely move, and I’d be gasping for air and unable to speak. My abdomen felt bloated and painful, and I often couldn’t eat. I felt pain wherever I pressed on my stomach, and this worsened when I coughed continuously. I thought to myself, “Why do my symptoms seem like I have a serious illness?” After the pandemic, I went to the hospital for an abdominal ultrasound, and the doctor solemnly told me that I had lots of small stones in my bile ducts, and that there was fluid in my pelvic area, which couldn’t be clearly identified as water retention or blood stasis. He also repeatedly urged me to go to a larger hospital for further examination, saying that I should go immediately. I was somewhat skeptical. I thought that since I had been making sacrifices and expending myself for God for all these years, God should have kept me from getting seriously ill. I thought, “Some brothers and sisters haven’t sacrificed, expended, or suffered as much as I have, but they’re healthy and can do their duties normally. I’ve suffered and sacrificed so much, yet I keep getting one illness or another. Why hasn’t God kept me safe? Could it be that God has grown to loathe me and abandoned me? Why else would I keep suffering from illnesses?” The more I thought, the more pained I felt. I didn’t know what to say when praying to God, and I didn’t know which chapter of God’s words to read. I wanted to keep busy with some of my duties, but I felt too exhausted to move. I felt an indescribable discomfort within me, and I couldn’t muster up any energy at all.

The next day, I remembered how serious the doctor had said my condition was, and I felt very worried and distressed. So I prayed to God, “God, I’m in so much anguish because of this illness. My stature is really small and I don’t know how to experience this. I ask that You guide me to understand Your intention in this matter, and to help me know how to experience what comes next.” Later, I read God’s words: “In their belief in God, what people seek is to obtain blessings for the future; this is their goal in their faith. All people have this intent and hope, but the corruption in their nature must be resolved through trials and refinement. In whichever aspects you are not purified and reveal corruption, these are the aspects in which you must be refined—this is God’s arrangement. God creates an environment for you, forcing you to be refined there so that you can know your own corruption. Ultimately, you reach a point at which you would rather die in order to give up your schemes and desires and to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangement. Therefore, if people do not have several years of refinement, if they do not endure a certain amount of suffering, they will not be able to rid themselves of the constraints of corruption of the flesh in their thoughts and in their hearts. In whichever aspects people are still subject to the constraints of their satanic nature, and in whichever aspects they still have their own desires and their own demands, these are the aspects in which they should suffer. Only through suffering can lessons be learned, which means being able to gain truth, and understand God’s intentions. In fact, many truths are understood by experiencing painful trials. Nobody can understand God’s intentions, recognize God’s almightiness and wisdom, or appreciate God’s righteous disposition when in a comfortable and easy environment or when circumstances are favorable. That would be impossible!” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words expose the intention and hope people have in their faith, as well as the meaning behind God’s trials and refinements. God does not carry out meaningless work, nor does He do any work that is detrimental to people. This illness befalling me didn’t mean that God wanted to abandon me, but rather, that God was trying and refining me, cleansing the impurities in my faith. I thought back to when I had first been healed of my illnesses. I’d been zealous in expending myself and resolved to repay God’s love earnestly, and no matter how much I had suffered or expended myself, I’d done it all gladly and willingly. I had thought of myself as someone who truly believed in God, and I had believed that if I continued in this way, salvation would be within reach. But when illness had struck again, my little faith, selfishness, and misunderstanding of God had been revealed. It was as if I’d become a different person. It was just as God exposed when He said: “Most people believe in God for the sake of peace and other benefits. Unless it is to your benefit, you do not believe in God, and if you cannot receive God’s graces, you fall into a sulk. How could what you have said be your true stature?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Practice (3)). All along, my sacrifices and expenditures had been for my own sake. In this, I had been trying to deceive and bargain with God. I had been so selfish and despicable, and had no desire to satisfy God at all. If I hadn’t been revealed by this illness, I wouldn’t have realized that all the sacrifices I’d made in my faith over the years had been for the sake of grace and blessings, and that I had been trying to bargain with God. God had arranged this situation and revealed me in this way for the sake of my salvation. But I hadn’t understood God’s intention and had complained about and misunderstood Him. I felt deeply indebted to God and prayed to Him, wishing to repent.

That night, I watched a hymn video of God’s words titled “You Ought to Achieve the Testimonies of Job and Peter”: “You may say you have been conquered, but can you submit unto death? You must be able to follow to the very end regardless of whether there are any prospects, and you must not lose faith in God regardless of the environment. Ultimately, you must achieve two aspects of testimony: the testimony of Job—submission unto death; and the testimony of Peter—the supreme love of God. In one respect, you must be like Job: He lost all material possessions, and was beset by the sickness of the flesh, yet he did not forsake the name of Jehovah. This was Job’s testimony. Peter was able to love God unto death—when he faced his death, he still loved God, when he was put on the cross, he still loved God. He did not think of his own prospects or pursue beautiful hopes or extravagant thoughts, and he sought only to love God and to submit to all of God’s arrangements. Such is the standard you must achieve before you can be considered to have borne testimony, before you become someone who has been made perfect after having been conquered” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Inside Truth of the Work of Conquest (2)). Listening to this hymn, I was moved to tears. Job faced such great trials. He lost his wealth, his children died, he became covered in sore boils, yet in such extreme pain, Job not only didn’t deny God or complain about Him, but he praised God, extolled His name, and bore resounding testimony for God. Peter spent his life seeking to know and love God, and even at the time of his death, he said he hadn’t loved God enough. Regardless of whether God fulfilled His promises to him, he still believed in and loved God. Peter bore witness to God and comforted God’s heart. Job and Peter were people who truly treated God as God. They were submissive to God, and they had no desire to bargain with or make demands on God, and God received glory from their testimonies. But as for me, when my illness had worsened and God hadn’t fulfilled my desires and demands, I had felt resistant and complained inwardly. I hadn’t even been able to keep up with reading God’s words and praying. I didn’t even have the bare minimum of submission or reason, and even less did I bear witness to God. I never would have thought that after believing in God for so many years, and after having eaten and drunk so many of God’s words and heard so many sermons, I’d still have behaved this way and that I’d always be trying to bargain with God. I had been truly selfish and despicable! The more I thought about it, the more I felt indebted to God. I cried as I prayed to God, “God, I once thought that doing my duty in all my years of believing in You was to satisfy You, but through the revelations of this illness, I have finally realized that my sacrifices and expenditures were all for the sake of gaining blessings. I never truly treated You as God. God, I am so corrupt and unworthy of Your love. No matter what happens with my illness, I am willing to submit to Your orchestrations and arrangements.” Gradually, my state changed for the better; I was able to put effort into my duty each day, and I wasn’t as constrained by my illness. When I settled my heart to do my duty, to my surprise, my health recovered a bit, and I didn’t feel as cold anymore. I was so grateful to God! After that, I continued to take medicine for treatment while doing my duty.

In July 2022, I had a high fever and was coughing for several days, and I constantly felt tired. When climbing stairs, I couldn’t catch my breath, and my heart would pound as if it were about to burst. I thought to myself, “This time, I must submit and not complain.” But by September, my illness kept getting worse and worse. My coughing became more frequent, I had a high fever for two consecutive weeks, and there was no improvement even after taking medicine. At first, I thought it was just a common cold and fever, but as my condition kept worsening, I went to the hospital for a check-up. The initial diagnosis was pleural effusion with suspected tuberculosis. The doctor solemnly stressed that due to the excess of pleural effusion, my right lung was no longer functioning, that my condition had become very serious, and that I had to be hospitalized for treatment immediately, and couldn’t delay any longer. My heart sank, and I thought, “How could my illness have become so serious? I’ve been seriously ill several times in the past two years, and even though I’ve been weak, I’ve never stopped doing my duty. Why has my condition not improved, but instead worsened?” I felt very despondent and scared, thinking, “I’ve believed in God for 19 years. I’ve forsaken family and work to do my duty, and I have endured all the suffering I should. I have run the race I was supposed to run, and no matter how sick I’ve been, I have persisted in my duty. I thought that by following God, I would receive blessings and be saved, but now it turns out that I’m so ill I might die. If I die, I’ll completely lose my chance to be saved. Then won’t all my efforts and expenditures have been in vain?” Thinking of this, my heart was very heavy, and I felt utterly hopeless. At this point, I realized something was wrong with my state, and cried as I prayed to God, “God, I feel like I’m about to die. I really have no solutions at all now, and my heart is full of pain. God, please guide me to understand Your intention.” After praying, I remembered a few passages of God’s words:

5. If you have always been very loyal, with much love for Me, yet you suffer the torment of illness, financial strain, and the abandonment of your friends and relatives, or if you endure any other misfortunes in life, will your loyalty and love for Me still continue?

6. If none of what you have imagined in your heart matches what I have done, how should you walk your future path?

7. If you do not receive any of the things you hoped to receive, can you continue to be My follower?

—The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. A Very Serious Problem: Betrayal (2)

Facing God’s requirements, my mind suddenly became clear. These requirements are the standards by which God measures whether a person’s disposition has changed. They are also the conditions for whether a believer can receive salvation. Those who truly believe in God are loyal and loving to Him, and they can withstand tests regardless of the situation. Even if what God does doesn’t align with their imaginings or hopes, they can still follow and remain loyal to God. Thinking back, I once swore before God and made a firm commitment that no matter what, I would follow God, and that no matter how the circumstances changed, and no matter what pain, tribulations, trials, or refinements I experienced, I would hold on to my faith in God and follow Him to the end. But the facts revealed that I lacked faith and that I had no reason at all. When sickness came upon me and I saw no hope of living, I argued with God, wondering why, since I had persisted in my duties throughout my serious illnesses, my illness was not improving but worsening. I even brought all my years of sacrifices and expenditures, including the pain of doing my duties while sick, before God, counting these as capital and merits. I thought that although I had no great achievements, I had at least suffered, and that therefore God should not treat me this way. I argued with God, complaining that He was treating me unfairly. I even regretted my past sacrifices. I was so rebellious and unreasonable! I saw that my years of sacrifices and expenditures in my faith had just been to gain grace and blessings in return. I thought of those who don’t believe in God. They eat, drink, and enjoy all that God has bestowed but neither show gratitude nor worship Heaven, and when faced with disasters both natural and man-made, they complain about and oppose Heaven. Was I not the same as these disbelievers? In truth, it is completely normal for people to get sick from eating the grains of the earth. Sickness has nothing to do with whether one believes in God or not, yet I complained about, questioned, and clamored against God because of my illness. I saw that I had no conscience or reason. I lacked even the slightest God-fearing heart. How rebellious I was! This illness completely revealed me and I saw just how pitifully small my stature truly was. I had no loyalty to God at all. Thinking about this, I felt deeply guilty. I then recalled God’s words: “I have held man to a strict standard throughout. If your loyalty comes with intentions and conditions, then I would rather be without your so-called loyalty, for I abhor those who deceive Me through their intentions and extort Me with conditions. I wish only for man to be absolutely loyal to Me, and to do all things for the sake of—and in order to prove—one word: faith. I despise your use of blandishments to try to make Me rejoice, for I have always treated you with sincerity, and so wish for you to also act with true faith toward Me” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Are You a True Believer in God?). “You must know what kind of people I desire; those who are impure are not permitted to enter into the kingdom, those who are impure are not permitted to besmirch the holy ground. Though you may have done much work, and worked for many years, in the end if you are still deplorably filthy, then it will be intolerable to the law of Heaven that you wish to enter My kingdom! From the foundation of the world until today, never have I offered easy access to My kingdom to those who curry favor with Me. This is a heavenly rule, and no one can break it!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks). I felt that God’s words carry authority and power, and I also felt God’s holy and righteous disposition, which cannot be offended. The gate of the kingdom of heaven is guarded by God, and the impure and corrupt are not allowed to enter the kingdom. God will not offer a person easy access to His kingdom because of their labors or efforts. This is a heavenly rule that no one can break. I thought about all my years of faith. I treated my outward sacrifices, expenditures, suffering, and efforts as capital to enter the kingdom of heaven. I didn’t even have the most basic submission to God, so how could God not detest me? God is faithful, and everything He does for man is sincere. God also hopes that people will have true faith and genuine loyalty to Him, but over my years of faith, I’d always harbored transactional intentions and tried to deceive Him in my duties, and my corrupt dispositions hadn’t changed in the slightest. In what way was I qualified to enter God’s kingdom? Thinking about this, I felt a sense of fear. I was lucky enough for God to reveal me in time, otherwise, I would have continued pursuing with the wrong perspective and ended up in absolute ruin. I was truly grateful to God! I prayed silently in my heart, “Oh God, I am so corrupt. No matter if there is a cure for my illness, I entrust this matter to You. Whether I live or die, I believe it is all in Your hands.” After praying, I felt more at ease.

Unexpectedly, when I became willing to submit, my younger brother suddenly returned from elsewhere. After learning about my condition, he went to a great deal of trouble to arrange for me to be treated at a hospital. I could hardly believe my ears. At the peak of such a severe pandemic, it was nearly impossible to get admitted to any hospital, so I never expected to be admitted and treated so quickly. It was very clear to me that this was God opening up a way out for me. With tears of gratitude, I offered my thanks and praise to God from the bottom of my heart! After an examination, I was diagnosed with pleural effusion and tuberculous pleurisy, and after the surgery, my right lung began functioning normally again. My breathing became smooth again, and my spirits lifted enormously. A week after being admitted to the hospital, the hospital also helped me connect with another hospital that treated tuberculous pleurisy. This way, both illnesses were treated simultaneously. I saw that when my brother returned and whether I could be admitted for treatment had all been in God’s hands. The situation God arranged for me was something I could bear, and I felt regretful for the worry, little faith, and misunderstandings I had revealed toward God. A month later, I was discharged from the hospital. I resumed my church life, and I began doing my duty again.

Through this illness, I came to understand that all God does is meaningful and contains God’s painstaking intentions. The suffering I endured was due to my deep corruption, and it was also God’s purification and salvation for me. If it hadn’t been for this illness and the approach of death, I wouldn’t have realized how serious my intentions to seek blessings were, and I would have continued to be deceived by the illusion that I appeared to be suffering and paying a price. It was the exposure and judgment of God’s words that allowed me to see the selfishness, despicableness, and impurity in my faith, enabling me to gain the correct goal and direction in which to pursue, and to let go of my intention to seek blessings somewhat. Now I can mostly live and work normally, and though my condition sometimes relapses, I know that this is the suffering I should endure, and I can submit inside. I no longer expect God to give me health, and I can also do my duty to the best of my ability in accordance with my physical condition. Regardless of whether my illness can be completely cured, I will diligently pursue the truth, seek dispositional change, and fulfill my duty.