By An Xia, China

In fall 2021, I was doing text-based duties. At that time, a sister named Cheng Xin came to join our team. Cheng Xin is of good caliber, and her comprehension is pure. Although she didn’t have a very solid grasp of the principles, she could seek proactively and accept suggestions from others. Sometimes the sisters I was working with would praise Cheng Xin in front of me, saying that once she had been given a bit of guidance on some problems, there were fewer deviations and problems in her work afterward. After a time, because the results of a team we were responsible for weren’t good, the supervisor discussed with us about arranging for Cheng Xin to gather and fellowship with them. I thought to myself, “Cheng Xin has only been here for less than a month, and she doesn’t quite grasp the principles yet. You arranged for her to go, without even asking me if I wanted to go. Do you think that Cheng Xin has better caliber than me, and that the results she will achieve through her fellowship will be better than what I could achieve? I never thought that after training for so many years, I wouldn’t be as good as a newcomer.” However, then I thought about how when I went to fellowship last time, the results really hadn’t been that good, so I didn’t say anything. Afterward, when I saw the supervisor guide Cheng Xin’s work with her individually, I felt really unhappy, thinking, “Cheng Xin just arrived and was valued and cultivated by the supervisor straight away. It looks like I’m not as good as her. It would be best if Cheng Xin went to the gathering this time but didn’t achieve good results. Then the supervisor wouldn’t value her as highly anymore.” Later, Cheng Xin came back from the gathering and told the supervisor how she solved the problem. I felt very uncomfortable after hearing this, thinking, “When I first started training, I had many problems. You’re doing better than me now. Doesn’t that make you seem better than me? That won’t do. I must pick faults with you!” But I couldn’t find any problems with her, and I felt very disappointed.

Later, I saw that some problems had emerged in Cheng Xin’s duty, which meant that the work had to be redone. I felt quite happy at this, thinking, “The more problems you have, the better. Maybe in the eyes of others, I will still be considered better than you, and won’t have as many problems as you.” Sometimes an idea flashed through my mind: “Am I jealous of Cheng Xin?” However, I didn’t want to admit that I was that bad, so I didn’t reflect on it. Later, I saw that Cheng Xin did not grasp the principles in doing her duty, and considered issues in quite a one-sided way, so I pointed this out to her. I wanted to pick faults with her to dampen her positivity, but I didn’t expect that she could treat it correctly and continue to do her duty normally. I felt very disappointed, thinking, “Why aren’t you negative?” After a time, Cheng Xin had mastered some principles and could solve problems in the work independently, and fewer problems occurred. The supervisor said happily, “Cheng Xin has made some progress during this period.” However, I wasn’t happy at all, thinking, “Cheng Xin has only just started training but has made such great progress. She’s come from behind to take the top spot. Doesn’t this make it seem like my caliber is worse than hers?” The more I thought about it, the more unbalanced I felt, “I should have known that I shouldn’t have told you about all the things to be aware of. Then you wouldn’t have made such quick progress!” I lived in jealousy, my mind filled with my own pride and status, constantly thinking about finding deviations and flaws in Cheng Xin’s duty, desperate for her to make a lot of mistakes. Because I was living in an incorrect state, my heart was dark and turbid, and I couldn’t notice many of the problems in my duty.

One night, I was getting ready for bed when I thought back on my state in doing my duty during this period. It took a lot of effort to view problems, and my head felt like it was full of cotton wool. I couldn’t view problems as clearly as I had in the past, and couldn’t feel God’s leadership and guidance. I felt a little uneasy, so I prayed to God, “Dear God, lately I just cannot bear to see Cheng Xin do well, and I also can’t calm my heart down when I am doing my duty. I don’t know how to understand myself. May You enlighten and guide me.” After praying, I read the words of God: “As a church leader, you do not merely need to learn to use the truth to resolve problems, you also need to learn to discover and cultivate people of talent, whom you absolutely must not envy or suppress. Practicing in this way is beneficial to the work of the church. If you can cultivate a few pursuers of the truth to cooperate with you and do all the work well, and in the end, you all have experiential testimonies, then you are a qualified leader or worker. If you are able to handle everything according to the principles, then you are committing your loyalty. Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is maliciousness! Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God has no love for them. If you are truly capable of showing consideration for God’s intentions, you will be able to treat other people fairly” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). After reading the words of God, I admitted that I was indeed living in a state of jealousy. When I saw that Cheng Xin’s caliber is good, and the supervisor valued and cultivated her, I felt jealous and unwilling to accept this, worried that her work would gain better results than mine, and that she would outshine me, and I would look inferior to her. I was constantly desperate for there to be lots of deviations and problems in her duty, and was always trying to find fault with her and belittle her, making her negative and unable to do her work, so that I would appear to be better than her. Was I not suppressing and excluding her? What I had revealed was a selfish and malicious disposition! Nobody knew what I was thinking, but it was all clear under God’s scrutiny. In the past, I had constantly thought that I would not be jealous of others, let alone try and suppress them. I never thought that I was so malicious and lacking in humanity! I knew well that my caliber is very average, and the results I got in doing my duty were not very good, but I still wanted to compete with Cheng Xin for reputation and status. I was utterly lacking in self-awareness and reason! I felt very ashamed.

Then I read more of God’s words: “Even as antichrists eat from God’s house, enjoy God’s words, and enjoy all the benefits of His house, they’re often wishing to have a chance to laugh at God’s house. They’re eagerly waiting for all the believers in God to be dispersed, and for God’s work to be left unable to progress further. Therefore, when something happens to God’s house, instead of defending it, or thinking of ways to resolve the issue, or protecting the brothers and sisters with all their might, or joining up with them to take care of the issue in unison, jointly coming before God and submitting to His sovereignty, antichrists will stand on the sidelines, laughing, offering bum advice, destroying and disturbing. At a critical moment, they’ll even offer a hand to outsiders at the expense of God’s house, thus acting as Satan’s minion, deliberately disturbing and breaking things. Is such a person not an enemy of God? The more critical the moment, the more clearly their devilish likeness is exposed; the more critical the moment, the more eventful it is, the more their devilish likeness, in its greatest detail and to its fullest extent, is exposed; the more critical the moment, the more help they’ll give outsiders at the expense of God’s house. What sort of thing are they? Are such people brothers and sisters? They’re people who do destructive, abominable things; they’re God’s enemies; they’re devils, they’re Satans; they’re evil people, antichrists. They’re not brothers and sisters, and they’re not candidates for salvation. If they really were brothers and sisters, people of God’s house, then with any problem that came up in His house, they’d unite heart and mind with their brothers and sisters to face it and handle it in unison. They wouldn’t be bystanders, much less look on and laugh. Only such people as antichrists would stand on the sidelines, and laugh, and eagerly await bad things to come to God’s house” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Ten: They Despise the Truth, Brazenly Flout Principles, and Ignore the Arrangements of God’s House (Part One)). God exposes that those who always want to have a laugh at God’s house and hope that the work of God’s house will go wrong are devils. I felt that God is profoundly wrathful with such people, and I was very afraid. I always wanted to pick fault with Cheng Xin to attack her, and was desperate for her to have problems in her duty: the more the better. The more mistakes she made, the more inferior to me she would appear, and I was even desperate for her to get so negative that she couldn’t do her duty. What Cheng Xin was doing was the work of the church, so when I constantly wanted her to make mistakes in her duty, was I not hoping that problems would appear in the work of the church? What difference is there between that and the way that antichrists, when their desire for reputation and status is not sated, curse the work of the house of God to fail, and laugh at the house of God? My heart was really too malicious! A person possessed of a conscience and reason would be happy to see that the work of God’s house was progressing normally, and feel sad to see a lot of problems. However, when I saw problems appear in Cheng Xin’s duty, I didn’t think about how to fellowship with her and help her, or how to cooperate with her with one accord to do the work well. Instead, my mind was full of thoughts about how to discover more problems in her work so I could attack her and make myself look good. I even desperately wanted her to make more mistakes in her work: the more the better. I enjoyed the provision of God’s words, but still laughed at God’s house like an antichrist. I truly lacked the slightest God-fearing heart—how was I a member of God’s house? On the surface, I didn’t directly disturb and disrupt the work of the church like devils and Satans do, but the intentions I revealed and the nature of my actions were identical to those of devils and Satans—I was resisting God! If it hadn’t been for God’s revelation and the exposure of God’s words, I wouldn’t have been able to discover my own intentions or see through to the essence of the problem, and I would have been misled by my own outward appearance. I was very scared, and felt sad and guilty. I was clearly aware that Cheng Xin is of good caliber and quick to comprehend, and that she is better than me in these regards, but I was jealous of her and suppressed her without considering the interests of God’s house in the slightest. How could I have done this? I truly lacked humanity! I prayed to God, “Dear God, I am just too awful. May You lead me to break free from the shackles of jealousy. I do not want to live in my corrupt disposition anymore.”

Later, I reflected on myself. What on earth could be controlling me to make me jealous of others? I read the words of God: “Antichrists like reputation and status very much. Reputation and status are their lifeblood; they feel life is meaningless without reputation and status, and they lack energy to do anything without reputation and status. To antichrists, both reputation and status are intimately tied to their personal interests; they are their Achilles’ heel. That is why everything antichrists do revolves around status and reputation. If it were not for these things, they may not do any work at all. … Antichrists never do any actual work for the life entry of God’s chosen people, and they never do any actual work to disseminate the kingdom gospel. When they pay a price, look at why they pay a price. When they ardently debate an issue, look at why they debate it. When they discuss or condemn a person, look at what intent and goal they have. When they are upset or angry about something, look at what disposition they reveal. People cannot see inside people’s hearts, but God can. When God looks inside people’s hearts, what does He use to gauge the essence of what people say and do? He uses the truth to gauge it. In the eyes of man, protecting one’s reputation and status is proper. So why is it labeled in God’s eyes as the revelation and expression of antichrists, and as the essence of antichrists? This is based in the impetus and motivation for everything antichrists do. God scrutinizes the impetus and motivation for what they do, and in the end, determines that everything they do is for their own reputation and status, rather than for the sake of doing their duty, much less for the sake of practicing the truth and submitting to God” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Two)). From God’s words, I realized that the main reason I was jealous of people was that my desire for reputation and status was too strong. I lived by satanic poisons such as “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” and “Man struggles upward; water flows downward.” I believed that being esteemed and praised by others gave me dignity and confidence in life, and felt ashamed and degraded when others were better than me. Therefore, I considered my own reputation and status at every turn in doing my duty. When I saw the supervisor arrange for Cheng Xin to go to the gathering, and also fellowship with her individually, I was jealous that Cheng Xin was being valued and cultivated by the supervisor. I racked my brain to find deviations and problems in Cheng Xin’s duty in order to belittle her, terrified that she was better than me. When I discovered problems in her duty, I was delighted, and felt like I’d found a sense of balance. My whole head was filled with thoughts about who in this group had a higher status and who had a lower status, who was better and who was weaker, and how I could make myself look good. Reputation and status brought me happiness and worry. Everything I thought, I thought for the sake of reputation and status, and not at all for the sake of doing the duty of a created being well and satisfying God. I lived by satanic poisons, and my nature was particularly arrogant. I always wanted to strive to outshine the rest of the people around me, and didn’t allow others to be better than me. I only wanted to make myself look good and not let others take the limelight. I even suppressed people and did them over for the sake of reputation and status. I saw that the path I was walking was the path of antichrists. At this time, I felt very regretful and hated myself because my desire for reputation and status was too strong. If I didn’t repent, I would only end up being spurned and eliminated by God! I remembered the words of God: “All people have some incorrect states within them, like negativity, weakness, despondency, and fragility; or they have base intents; or they are constantly troubled by their pride, selfish desires, and self-interest; or they think that they are of poor caliber, and they experience some negative states. It will be very hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit if you always live in these states. If it is hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit, then the active elements within you will be few, and the negative elements will come out and disturb you. People always rely on their own will to repress those negative and adverse states, but no matter how they repress them, they cannot shake them off. The main reason for this is that people cannot thoroughly discern these negative and adverse things; they cannot see their essence clearly. This makes it very hard for them to rebel against the flesh and Satan. Also, people always get stuck in these negative, melancholic, and degenerate states, and they do not pray or look up to God, instead they just muddle through them. As a result, the Holy Spirit does not work in them, and they are consequently unable to understand the truth, they lack a path in everything they do, and they cannot see any matter clearly. There are too many negative and adverse things within you, and they have filled your heart, so you are often negative, melancholic in spirit, and you stray farther and farther from God, and become weaker and weaker. If you cannot gain the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment and work, you will not be able to escape these states, and your negative state will not change, because if the Holy Spirit is not working in you, you cannot find a path. Because of these two reasons, it is very hard for you to cast off your negative state and enter into a normal one” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). I felt the incredible righteousness of God’s disposition. God loathes evil and adverse things. When I constantly considered my pride and status in doing my duty, kept being jealous of Cheng Xin, and lived in a state of competing for reputation and status, my heart was filled with negative and adverse things, and God hid His face from me as a result. Without the work and leadership of the Holy Spirit, I lived in darkness, and it was very difficult to do my duty. All I thought about was my own pride and status, and I simply didn’t have the heart to ponder what problems there were in my duty or how to practice to be in accordance with God’s intentions. How could I do my duty well like this? In order to protect my worthless pride and status, I cast my duty and responsibilities to one side and incurred God’s loathing. I really was too foolish!

Next, I read more of God’s words: “If you are truly capable of showing consideration for God’s intentions, you will be able to treat other people fairly. If you recommend a good person and allow them to undergo training and perform a duty, thereby adding a person of talent to God’s house, will that not make your work easier? Will you not then be showing loyalty in your duty? That is a good deed before God; it is the minimum conscience and reason that those who serve as leaders should possess. Those who are capable of putting the truth into practice can accept God’s scrutiny in the things they do. When you accept God’s scrutiny, your heart will be set straight. If you only ever do things for others to see, and always want to gain others’ praise and admiration, and you do not accept God’s scrutiny, then is God still in your heart? Such people have no God-fearing hearts. Do not always do things for your own sake and do not constantly consider your own interests; do not consider the interests of man, and give no thought to your own pride, reputation, and status. You must first consider the interests of God’s house, and make them your priority. You should be considerate of God’s intentions and begin by contemplating whether or not there have been impurities in the performance of your duty, whether you have been loyal, fulfilled your responsibilities, and given it your all, as well as whether or not you have been wholeheartedly thinking about your duty and the work of the church. You must consider these things. If you think about them frequently and figure them out, it will be easier for you to perform your duty well. If you are of poor caliber, if your experience is shallow, or if you are not proficient in your professional work, then there may be some mistakes or deficiencies in your work, and you may not get good results—but you will have done your best. You do not satisfy your own selfish desires or preferences. Instead, you give constant consideration to the work of the church and the interests of the house of God. Though you may not achieve good results in your duty, your heart will have been set straight; if, on top of this, you can seek the truth to solve the problems in your duty, you will be up to standard in the performance of your duty, and, at the same time, you will be able to enter into the truth reality. This is what it means to possess testimony” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). After pondering God’s words, I understood that people who are considerate of God’s intentions will recommend and cultivate people of good caliber when they see them. Although Cheng Xin had only been training for a short time and had not grasped many principles, she has good caliber, and if she were cultivated, there would be one more person to take on the work and we would have an extra helper. This would be beneficial to the work of the church. I reflected that I didn’t want to admit that Cheng Xin was better than me because there was a mistaken opinion within me. I thought that because I had been doing text-based duty for many years, I should be better than others in every way, and should be valued and cultivated. But, thinking about it, although I had been doing text-based duty for many years, my caliber is average, and I needed to experience many failures and revelations to understand and grasp some principles. However, that Cheng Xin was able to grasp the gist of the principles in a short time proved that she has better caliber than me. I had to accept this fact, see my own caliber and stature clearly, and stand in my own place properly. I could not be jealous of and exclude Cheng Xin like I had before; I should correct my intentions and cooperate with her harmoniously to do our duties well. Afterward, I consciously prayed to God, begging Him to lead me to let go of my jealousy, consider the interests of the church, and correct my mindset to do my duty. Afterward, I stopped picking fault with Cheng Xin, and thought about how to work with her instead, summarizing the problems in our duties and finding relevant principles to discuss with her. When I turned around my incorrect state, let go of my jealousy, and corrected my mindset to do my duty, I felt the work and leadership of the Holy Spirit, and I was able to see problems more clearly. Later, when we elected a supervisor for our team, I voted for Cheng Xin. When the results came out, Cheng Xin was elected supervisor, and I was able to treat it correctly and work with her harmoniously. It was the leadership of God’s words that allowed me to gain some understanding of my corrupt disposition of being jealous of others and to change it somewhat. Thank God!