By Liu Lei, China

In July 2022, the leaders saw that I was quite skilled at writing, and arranged for me to do text-based work in the church. When I thought about how I was still able to do text-based duties at the age of sixty, I felt really happy. I thought to myself, “I did text-based duties in the past, and have some grasp of the principles. Now, as long as I devote plenty of effort and put my heart into it more, I will certainly be qualified for this duty.” Following this, I actively participated in the work. When analyzing some tricky problems with my brothers and sisters, I was able to propose some feasible suggestions. The supervisor praised me for being able to share paths of practice, and said that I had potential. I was asked to guide the work of the other text-based workers. Later, the supervisor would call on me when discussing problems, and my brothers and sisters would seek my fellowship whenever they had problems. When I saw that my professional capabilities had been recognized by everyone, I couldn’t express how happy I felt in my heart, and my energy for doing my duty redoubled.

After some time, the supervisor asked me to cultivate Sister Xin Xin. I thought to myself, “The supervisor said that I have potential, and also selected me to guide Xin Xin’s work. This shows that the supervisor really values me.” So, I agreed. Next, I brought Xin Xin to the meetings with leaders and workers to fellowship about the principles of writing sermons. Xin Xin listened to one side, taking notes occasionally. When we got back, we fellowshipped about the deviations in our work. The two of us, one old and one young, worked together very happily. After some time, I discovered that Xin Xin was very innocent. If she didn’t know something, she would ask about it. She was very willing to learn new things. She was of good caliber, and quick to comprehend new things. When the supervisor fellowshipped about the application of principles, she got it straight away. She was quite quick at grasping the main points of the principles, and was able to quickly apply them to her duty. I thought to myself, “Xin Xin is making such fast progress that soon she will overtake me. I must put in more effort in the future, otherwise I’ll fall behind her. How embarrassing that would be!” Later, I put in extra hours to study principles. I have high blood pressure, and sometimes I didn’t rest even though I felt my head was swelling so much that it was uncomfortable. I wasn’t willing to abandon any opportunities for study, as I was afraid of falling behind Xin Xin and being looked down on. At one gathering, the leaders were present. The supervisor put forward a question and asked us to respond. I thought to myself, “The leaders are here too. I need to give a good answer—I can’t make the leaders look down on me.” However, the more I tried to think of a good response, the less able I was to speak coherently. But Xin Xin was able to speak very clearly according to each principle one by one. The supervisor sighed, and said to me, “You’ve been training for so long—how is your grasp of principles not as good as a sister who has just arrived?” The leaders and several other text-based workers, moving as one, all turned and looked at me. I felt like my face was burning with shame. I was desperate to find a hole in the ground to crawl into. I thought to myself, “Previously, I was guiding Xin Xin, and now she has overtaken me in every aspect. How can I show this old face of mine anymore? I’ve been doing text-based duties for two years now, and I’m still not as good as a sister who has only just started training. It’s so shameful!” The supervisor sighing meant he was disappointed in me. He was certainly thinking, how could I have been training for so long and only have such limited capability? At that time, although I was putting in extra hours to study principles, I still wasn’t making much progress.

Later, the leaders separated Xin Xin and me. We were each responsible for processing one portion of the sermons. After some time, Xin Xin’s results in processing the sermons kept getting better and better. If the supervisor wanted to fellowship about any problems, he would call on her. I remembered that once, there was an entire gathering during which the supervisor discussed only the questions put forward by Xin Xin. I remembered past gatherings, where I had been the one who received the most attention. Now, my halo had been snatched by Xin Xin, and I had become the “class auditor” whom nobody talked to. My heart was a raging sea of pain. There was a burst of energy trapped in my heart that desperately wanted to compete against Xin Xin to see who was better. Afterward, as soon as I heard the supervisor say in a gathering that such-and-such a type of sermon yielded good results, I would hurriedly go and process that type of sermon. I wanted to quickly achieve results so that my brothers and sisters could see that I wasn’t less capable than others. However, as I was eager for achievements and gain, and did not do my duty in accordance with principles, in the end, most of the sermons I processed had problems with them. Throughout that time, I was exhausted body and mind, and felt somewhat depressed, “I clearly have a certain grasp of these principles, but why do the sermons I have processed always have problems?” Afterward, I couldn’t summon up my energy when doing my duty. One day, Xin Xin brought me a sermon so I could see if its fellowship was clear. Originally, I didn’t want to help her, but since she asked, I didn’t feel able to refuse. Therefore, I read it, and discovered that it was a really worthwhile sermon, but it did have some problems in it. I thought to myself, “If I point the issues out to her, then once she processes and submits it, won’t that put her in the limelight again? Won’t it make it seem like her professional level is higher than mine?” Therefore, I only mentioned some unimportant bits to her in a perfunctory manner, and didn’t say anything about the key parts. At the time, I felt somewhat self-reproachful, “I saw the problems clearly, but I held back and didn’t say anything. What am I doing?” But then I thought, “Who told her to snatch my halo?” As soon as I had this idea, the little sense of self-reproach I had in my heart disappeared. Later, this sermon was delayed for a very long time before it was finalized and submitted. All through that time, I was constantly living in a state of competition with Xin Xin. The results of doing my duty got poorer and poorer, and my heart felt dark and dejected. I couldn’t feel the guidance of the Holy Spirit at all. I was muddled all day long. Later, during gatherings, the supervisor and several other text-based workers would praise Xin Xin’s fast progress regularly. Several text-based workers would even ask Xin Xin about this and that. I felt that I had been left out in the cold, and that I couldn’t hold my head high in front of my brothers and sisters. My heart grew more and more despondent and anguished. I sometimes wanted to abandon my duty, but I didn’t dare; I sometimes wanted to do my duty well, but I didn’t have the heart for it. All day, I was downcast and somber, and had no desire to do my duty at all. I didn’t even have anything to say when I prayed to God. In particular, when during gatherings I saw my sisters open up and fellowship, talking and laughing, my heart was in so much pain that it felt like it was being carved by a knife. I even felt like going home. Afterward, because my state had been bad for a while and I had high blood pressure, the supervisor reassigned my duty.

After my duty was reassigned, even though I still couldn’t calm my heart down, I did finally start to reflect on myself. Thinking about it, when Xin Xin gained results in doing her duty, I should have been happy. Why was I negative and anguished instead? When I was seeking, I read a passage of God’s words, and finally got some understanding of my state. Almighty God says: “Let no person think of themselves as perfect, distinguished, noble, or distinct from others; all this is brought about by man’s arrogant disposition and ignorance. Always thinking of oneself as set apart—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never being able to accept their shortcomings, and never being able to confront their mistakes and failures—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never permitting others to be higher than themselves, or to be better than themselves—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never allowing others’ strengths to surpass or exceed their own—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never permitting others to have better thoughts, suggestions, and views than themselves, and, when they discover that others are better than themselves, becoming negative, not wishing to speak, feeling distressed and dejected, and becoming upset—all of this is caused by an arrogant disposition. An arrogant disposition can make you protective of your reputation, unable to accept others’ corrections, unable to confront your shortcomings, and unable to accept your own failures and mistakes. More than that, when someone is better than you, it can cause hatred and jealousy to emerge in your heart, and you can feel constrained, such that you do not wish to do your duty and become perfunctory in performing it. An arrogant disposition can cause these behaviors and practices to emerge in you” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). God exposed that people’s arrogant disposition causes them to regard themselves as perfect, and constantly think that they are better than others and different from the crowd. As soon as someone overtakes them, their desire for reputation and status takes a blow. They become jealous, and struggle with others. If they don’t succeed, they become negative and don’t even have the energy to do their duties. I was in precisely this state. When I first started to process sermons, I was able to fellowship some paths. My brothers and sisters esteemed me. I felt like I was better than them, and so their esteem was entirely deserved. When I was guiding Xin Xin, at the beginning I was able to guide her with a loving heart. Later, when I saw she was of good caliber, and made quick progress, that the results of her duty had surpassed mine, and that she was often praised by the supervisor, I felt that my own reputation and status were threatened. I felt like I was too ashamed to show my face, and felt really uncomfortable at heart, and so I secretly competed with her. When I heard the supervisor say what type of sermon yielded good results, I should have put time and effort into considering the principles, and considered how best to process the sermons so they yielded good results. However, I was eager for achievements and gain in order to save face and win esteem from others, so there were many issues with the sermons I processed. Xin Xin asked me to help her check over a sermon, and because I was afraid that she would again take the limelight and surpass me, I didn’t talk to her honestly even though I had spotted the problems. Even though I felt self-reproach in my heart, I was unwilling to let go of myself and turn toward God. However, no matter how I schemed or what tricks I used, I still fell behind her. I couldn’t accept this fact, and became negative and dejected. I didn’t even have any energy to do my duties. Actually, both Xin Xin’s caliber and her comprehension ability are better than mine. In addition, she worked hard, and was quick to grasp principles. It was entirely normal that when she did her duty she got good results. However, as my desire for reputation and status was too strong, I struggled and tussled with her overtly and covertly. I was too arrogant and ignorant! I lacked the slightest bit of self-knowledge! How was this doing my duty? It is clear that I was pursuing reputation and status, causing God to loathe me!

Later, I pondered it over. My initial motivation in doing my duty was to satisfy God, but how, after walking this path for a time, had I started working for status? While seeking, I read a passage of God’s words, and gained some understanding of my mistaken pursuit. Almighty God says: “For antichrists, if their reputation or status is attacked and taken away, it is a matter even more serious than trying to take their life. No matter how many sermons they listen to or how many of God’s words they read, they will not feel sadness or regret over never having practiced the truth and having taken the path of antichrists, nor over their possession of the nature essence of antichrists. Instead, they are always racking their brains for ways to gain status and increase their reputation. It can be said that everything antichrists do is done to show off in front of others, and is not done before God. Why do I say this? It is because such people are so in love with status that they treat it as their very life, as their lifelong goal. Moreover, because they love status so much, they never believe in the existence of truth, and it can even be said that they harbor absolutely no belief in God’s existence. Thus, no matter how they calculate to gain reputation and status, and no matter how they try to use false appearances to trick people and God, in the depths of their hearts, they have no awareness or reproach, let alone any anxiety. In their consistent pursuit of reputation and status, they also wantonly deny what God has done. Why do I say that? In the depths of antichrists’ hearts, they believe, ‘All reputation and status are earned through one’s own efforts. Only by gaining a firm foothold among people and gaining reputation and status can they enjoy god’s blessings. Life only has value when people gain absolute power and status. Only this is living like a human. By contrast, it would be useless to live in the way that is spoken of in the word of god—to submit to god’s sovereignty and arrangements in everything, to willingly stand in the position of a created being, and to live like a normal person—no one would look up to a person like that. A person’s status, reputation, and happiness must be won through their own struggles; they must be fought for and seized with a positive and proactive attitude. No one else will give them to you—waiting around passively can only lead to failure.’ This is how antichrists calculate. This is the disposition of antichrists. If you hope for antichrists to accept the truth, admit mistakes, and have real repentance, it is impossible—they absolutely cannot do it. Antichrists have the nature essence of Satan, and they hate the truth, so no matter where they go, even if they go to the ends of the earth, their ambition of pursuing reputation and status will never change, and neither will their views on things, or the path that they walk” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). From God’s words I understood, antichrists treat reputation and status as their life. No matter what group they find themselves in, they always want to be esteemed and worshiped. They think that only a life spent like this has value. Antichrists only act in front of people. They do not accept God’s scrutiny. As soon as their reputation and status are damaged, they struggle and grab, thinking of all kinds of ways to retrieve their reputation and status. They would never just perform their duty in a grounded and content manner. This is the nature essence of antichrists. What God’s words exposed really moved me, and also frightened me. I saw that my behavior was identical to that of an antichrist. Ever since I was young, school and family inculcated satanic rules of existence in me, like “Stand out above the rest,” “Man struggles upward; water flows downward,” and “Aim to stand out.” No matter what situation or what group of people I found myself in, I would pursue getting esteem and praise from others. I thought that being esteemed made life worthwhile, and being looked down on made life pathetic. After I believed in God, I still lived in reliance on these satanic rules. For example, when I was doing text-based duties that time, to start with I won the approval of the supervisor and the esteem of my brothers and sisters, so I had lots of energy when doing my duties. Later, when the results of Xin Xin’s duties got better and better, and even surpassed me, the reasonable thing to do would have been for me to absorb her strengths. Acting in this way would have benefited the work of the church, but when I saw my brothers and sisters crowding around her and asking all kinds of questions, I felt I had been left in the cold and overlooked. I thought that the halo originally belonging to me had been snatched by her. I felt really uncomfortable, and thought that I was living in a pathetic way. I was not willing to be left behind her, and racked my brains for ways to compete with her. When she came to me to seek advice on problems, I held back and did not talk honestly to her. As a result, a good sermon was only finalized after a very long delay, hindering progress. How was this doing my duty? I was resisting God! Xin Xin is young, of good caliber, and quick at comprehending the truth principles. She was worth cultivating, and it was very normal that the supervisor paid her more attention at gatherings. However, I racked my brains out thinking of ways to struggle with her in order to maintain my reputation and status. In the end, the submission of the sermon was delayed, while I fell into darkness. Actually, the competition with Xin Xin brought me suffering and exhaustion. However, I couldn’t stand how I felt when I was overlooked, and wanted to prove that I was just as good as her, if not better. When I couldn’t achieve this, my heart felt negative and in anguish. I saw that I had been tied too tightly by satanic rules such as “Stand out above the rest,” “Man struggles upward; water flows downward,” and “Aim to stand out.” My thoughts were all distorted. In order to stand out above the rest, everything I did disrupted and disturbed the work of the church, and resisted God. I truly did make God loathe me. If I did not repent as soon as possible I would be revealed and eliminated by God sooner or later. When I understood this, I was filled with regret and self-reproach. I knelt before God in repentance, “Dear God! You lifted me up to do my duty, but I had no sense of shame. In the pursuit of reputation and status, I cast my duty to the back of my mind. How You must loathe me! Dear God! I am willing to repent, to walk the path of pursuing the truth, and harmoniously work with my brothers and sisters to do my duty well.”

While seeking, I read another passage of God’s words, and saw the importance of pursuing the truth more clearly. Almighty God says: “If people only pursue fame, gain, and status—if they only pursue their own interests—then they will never gain the truth and life, and ultimately, they will be the ones who suffer a loss. God saves those who pursue the truth. If you do not accept the truth, and if you are incapable of reflecting upon and knowing your own corrupt disposition, then you will not truly repent, and you will have no life entry. Accepting the truth and knowing yourself is the path to growth in life and to attaining salvation, it is the chance for you to come before God to accept His scrutiny, judgment, and chastisement, and to gain the truth and life. If you give up on pursuing the truth for the sake of pursuing fame, gain, and status and your own interests, this is tantamount to giving up on the opportunity to accept God’s judgment and chastisement, and to attain salvation. You are choosing fame, gain, and status and your own interests, but what you are giving up is the truth, and what you are losing is the life, and the chance to be saved. Which means more? If you choose your own interests and give up on the truth, is this not foolish? To put it in vernacular terms, this is suffering a great loss for the sake of a small advantage. Fame, gain, status, money, and interests are all temporary, they are all ephemeral, whereas the truth and life are eternal and immutable. If people resolve the corrupt dispositions that cause them to pursue fame, gain, and status, then they have hope of attaining salvation. Moreover, the truths that people gain are eternal; Satan cannot take these truths away from people, nor can anyone else. You relinquish your interests but what you gain are the truth and salvation; these results are yours, and you gain them for yourself. If people choose to practice the truth, then even though they have lost their interests, they are gaining God’s salvation and eternal life. Those people are the smartest ones. If people give up the truth for the sake of their interests, then they lose the life and God’s salvation; those people are the most foolish ones” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Knowing One’s Disposition Is the Foundation of Changing It). After pondering God’s words, I understood that God saves those who pursue the truth. Those who hold tight to reputation and status without letting go and abandon the truth will never obtain the truth, no matter how many environments they experience. In the end, they will be eliminated by God because they resisted God. They are the most foolish people. When I compared myself to the words of God, I saw that I was a fool. Xin Xin is young and of good caliber. It was very natural that after a period of training, she would get better results from doing her duty than I did. However, I didn’t understand the measure of myself, and couldn’t accept the fact that I wasn’t as good as her. I lived in a state of fighting and scrabbling for fame and gain. As a result, I lost the Holy Spirit’s work and fell into darkness. Not only did I not make any progress with my professional skills, but my life entry was also damaged. I regarded reputation and status as being more important than doing my duty and gaining the truth. In the end, I didn’t get anything. Was this not the ultimate foolishness? Now, I could see things more clearly. Reputation and status vanish like clouds and mist, and pursuing the esteem of others is meaningless. If I had won esteem without gaining the truth and life, then ultimately, I would have been spurned and eliminated by God, and lost my chance for salvation. I cannot continue to be a fool and pursue reputation and status. I must put effort into the truth principles. This was the wise choice.

A while later, I again started to do text-based duties. One day, the supervisor told me that Sister Han Li had just started training to process sermons, and didn’t have a firm grasp of the principles yet. He asked me to help her more. Afterward, I fellowshipped with Han Li about the principles of processing sermons. We analyzed sermons together. I saw that Han Li was full of thoughts and opinions, and she comprehended principles quickly. I was happy for her. After some time, the supervisor constantly praised Han Li for making quick progress. The leader also said she never thought Han Li would make such fast progress. When I heard this, I felt a sour feeling of jealousy in my heart, “Han Li is praised and valued by the supervisor and the leader. But I am still a nameless pawn!” When I thought this, I realized that my old problem had struck me once more, and I was again comparing myself with others. I silently prayed to God. I thought of these words of God: “You should first think of the interests of God’s house, be considerate of God’s intentions, and consider the work of the church. Put these things first and foremost; only after that can you think about the stability of your status or how others regard you. Do you not feel that this becomes a little easier when you divide it into two steps and make some compromises? If you practice like this for a while, you will come to feel that satisfying God is not such a difficult thing. Furthermore, you should be able to fulfill your responsibilities, perform your obligations and duty, and set aside your selfish desires, intents, and motives; you should show consideration for God’s intentions, and put the interests of God’s house, the work of the church, and the duty that you are supposed to perform first. After experiencing this for a while, you will feel that this is a good way to comport yourself. It is living straightforwardly and honestly, and not being a base, vile person; it is living justly and honorably rather than being despicable, base, and a good-for-nothing. You will feel that this is how a person should act and the image that they should live out. Gradually, your desire to satisfy your own interests will lessen” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). I should show consideration for God’s intentions, and put the interests of the house of God first. Han Li made progress fast, and she got good results from doing her duty. This was beneficial to the work of the church. There was a limit to what I could do on my own. What I should do most was to fellowship about what I understood with Han Li, without holding anything at all back. This would help her grasp principles as fast as possible so the sermons she processed were up to standard. This was also preparing good deeds. When I thought this way, my heart felt liberated. I was not jealous of Han Li anymore, and I did not compare myself with her anymore. Afterward, when I saw that the brothers and sisters around me were better than me, I was able to treat this correctly. When I encountered things that I didn’t understand or couldn’t do, I practiced letting go of my vanity and pride and discussing these things with my brothers and sisters. After practicing this for a time, I felt that I was making progress in my duty and my life entry, and my heart felt particularly at ease and at peace. Now, I see fame, gain, and status as being less important. These are the results achieved by God’s words. Thank God!