By Xiaomei, China

In March 2021, I was responsible for video work. To start with, I felt like I had many shortcomings. If there was anything I didn’t understand, I would often ask the leaders or other brothers and sisters. One time, I happened to see a letter written by the leaders to someone else. It said that although I hadn’t been doing this duty for a long time, I had some caliber, and my progress in producing videos was relatively fast. I was a suitable candidate for cultivating. The letter also mentioned problems with other brothers and sisters. I was the only person who was praised. My state of mind underwent some subtle changes. I felt that I was better than the other brothers and sisters, and, moreover, I was a supervisor. So in the future, if they raised any questions about video techniques, I would have to be able to resolve them. One time, we were discussing the work. A sister raised a question, but I couldn’t solve it. I thought to myself, “If I say I don’t know how to do this and I don’t understand, will they look down on me? Will they think I’m not anything special, and not really any better than them?” So, I asked other brothers and sisters if they had any ideas. When my brothers and sisters were talking about their own opinions, I hurriedly searched for materials. When they had finished speaking, I then supplemented some solutions that they hadn’t mentioned. As soon as I had finished speaking, some sisters said, “If we hadn’t discussed this with you, we really wouldn’t have understood this aspect of it. As soon as you discussed it with us we felt much clearer.” Later, whenever anyone had a problem or difficulties, they wanted to discuss them with me. I was very happy. I thought to myself, “They all admire me now. They definitely think that I am good at being a supervisor. I must perform well. I cannot drop the ball.”

One time, a leader forwarded me a video. It was produced by Sister Xiaoran, and had a few issues with it. The leaders were worried that Xiaoran’s technical skills weren’t up to the job of editing the video, so they asked me to edit it with her. When I saw the problems in the video, I had some ideas for edits. However, I didn’t have a secure grasp of some of the techniques, and really didn’t have a grip on how to edit it well. I thought to myself, “If I don’t edit it well, what will the leaders think of me? Previously, they had a very good impression of me. If I can’t do a good job of editing this video, will the leaders think I’m unskilled, and not as good as their impression of me? That won’t do. I mustn’t leave the leaders with this impression.” At that time, I thought, “After all, this video was produced by Xiaoran. Why not get Xiaoran to edit it herself? If it isn’t edited well, that’s her problem. If the leaders ask about it later I’ll just say I had other important work to do.” However, Xiaoran didn’t know how to edit the video, and asked for my opinion. I thought to myself, “If I say that I don’t have a grip on the techniques involved in this video, what will Xiaoran think of me? Will she think I’m a supervisor and I cannot even do this?” So that my sister wouldn’t see what was on my mind, I only mentioned my ideas for how I’d edit it. I just brushed over how to operate the specific technical aspects. Looking at Xiaoran’s confused face, I didn’t dare ask anything further. I was afraid that if I asked more questions, and then she asked me other questions I couldn’t answer, I wouldn’t know what to do. I just told her to pray to God frequently and rely on God. Later, Xiaoran was still unable to do the edits. There was nothing for it. I just had to screw up my courage and edit it with her. In order to stop Xiaoran from seeing that I didn’t know how to do it, I secretly checked resources and looked at tutorials. I was so busy I felt dizzy, my brain felt swollen, and I was very tired at heart. In the end, the editing of this video dragged out for nearly a month before it was finished.

Later, the leaders gave us some study materials on video techniques, so that we could discuss them and learn together. I hadn’t come into contact with this kind of new video technique before, and I didn’t understand some of the study materials. However, I didn’t want to open up my heart to my brothers and sisters and discuss this. As a result, it took more and more effort for me to read the study materials. One time, we were discussing one of the study materials. Li Xin asked me, what the techniques, principles and requirements were for doing a certain kind of rendering. At the time, I wasn’t too sure. I was worried what Li Xin would think of me if I couldn’t say anything, and so I put on a brave face and gave a very perfunctory reply. Looking at Li Xin’s expression of half understanding, I knew that my answer could not resolve her problem, so I hurriedly asked a different question to divert her attention. Li Xin then talked about other issues with me. Although at the time I felt some self-reproach, and I knew that acting in this way was inappropriate, I didn’t pay too much thought to it and let it pass. Sometimes, when difficulties arose, I wanted to ask the leaders about them, but then I thought, “If the leaders think that, based on my caliber, I should be able to resolve this problem, but I write a letter of enquiry, what will they think of me? Will they think that my caliber is not up to par and I’m not making any progress? That I am no different to my other brothers and sisters?” When I thought this, I did not seek help from my superiors when I ran into difficulties. Instead, I thought about how to solve the issues myself. Progress on some videos was hindered because I could not think of a solution. Living in this state made me feel extremely despondent, like I had been abandoned by God. There was no light when I read the words of God, and sometimes my heart felt so repressed I wanted to cry. I wanted to open up to my sisters and fellowship about my state, but then I changed my mind: “They all have many difficulties in their duties, and they are all feeling a bit negative. If I’m negative as well, won’t they become even more negative? I am the supervisor. I’m the head of this team. Others can be negative, but as the supervisor, I have to hang in there no matter what difficulties I run into.” When I thought this way, the words could not pass my lips. I had to force myself to spout some words and doctrines to encourage them, but they sounded dry even to me. At that time, my heart was in anguish, and I felt that doing this duty was too hard. Sometimes, I burst into tears when I was riding my bike, and sometimes when visiting brothers and sisters at their homes I would duck into the bathroom and cry. When I finished crying, I wiped my tears and looked in the mirror. When I came out again, I forced myself to pretend that nothing was the matter. At that time, I was constantly suppressing my state and my difficulties. My heart was very despondent. I didn’t know what corrupt disposition I was living in that would have caused this. One day in March 2022, a letter from the leaders came, asking the precise reason why my duties hadn’t yielded any results for a long time. Was it that I was walking the wrong path? Only then did I start to reflect on myself. In my mind, I repeatedly turned over every scene that had happened ever since I became a supervisor. One word appeared in my mind: disguise.

Later, I read these words of God: “There is a common problem in the corrupt disposition of people, a common problem which exists in the humanity of every person, a most severe problem. This common problem is the weakest, most fatal part of their humanity, and in their nature essence, it is the hardest thing to dig out or change. What is this problem? It is that humans always want to be exceptional, superhuman, perfect people. People themselves are created beings. Can created beings achieve omnipotence? Can they achieve perfection and flawlessness? Can they achieve proficiency in everything, come to understand everything, see through everything, and be capable of everything? They cannot. However, within humans, there are corrupt dispositions, and a fatal weakness: As soon as they learn a skill or profession, people feel that they are capable, that they are people with status and worth, and that they are professionals. No matter how unexceptional they are, they all want to package themselves as some famous or exceptional individual, to turn themselves into some minor celebrity, and make people think they are perfect and flawless, without a single defect; in the eyes of others, they wish to become famous, powerful, or some great figure, and they want to become mighty, capable of anything, with nothing they cannot do. They feel that if they sought others’ help, they would appear incapable, weak, and inferior, and that people would look down on them. For this reason, they always want to keep up a front. Some people, when asked to do something, say they know how to do it, when they actually do not. Afterward, in secret, they look it up and try to learn how to do it, but after studying it for several days, they still do not understand how to do it. When asked how they are getting on with it, they say, ‘Soon, soon!’ But in their hearts, they’re thinking, ‘I’m not there yet, I have no idea, I don’t know what to do! I must not let the cat out of the bag, I must continue putting on a front, I can’t let people see my shortcomings and ignorance, I can’t let them look down on me!’ What problem is this? This is a living hell of trying to save face at all costs. What kind of disposition is this? Such people’s arrogance knows no bounds, they have lost all reason. They do not wish to be like everyone else, they don’t want to be ordinary people, normal people, but superhumans, exceptional individuals, or hotshots. This is such a huge problem! With regard to the weaknesses, shortcomings, ignorance, foolishness, and lack of understanding within normal humanity, they will wrap it all up, and not let other people see it, and then keep on disguising themselves” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). God says that humans are created beings, and cannot achieve omnipotence. Nor is it possible that they can achieve proficiency in everything and come to understand everything. However, people lack self-knowledge, and think that they are something incredible the moment they learn a tiny bit of something. They put up a front and disguise themselves as a great figure who can do anything. Even though they have shortcomings and deficiencies, they put an immense amount of effort into disguising themselves so nobody sees. This is caused by people’s arrogant dispositions. I remembered that as soon as I received a bit of praise from the leaders, I thought that I was better than my other brothers and sisters. Moreover, I was a supervisor, and I felt I should be able to resolve all the problems raised by my brothers and sisters. So I started to put on a disguise of understanding everything. No matter what difficulties or defects I had, I didn’t want to let people know about them. The leaders asked Xiaoran and me to edit the video. I didn’t want to expose my deficiencies and shortcomings, and so I pushed the problems onto Xiaoran. When she asked for my opinions, I pretended to understand, and fooled her in a perfunctory manner. In the end, only when I had no other option did I edit the video with her. This resulted in the video being delayed for a month before the editing was finished. Li Xin asked me about a tricky question relating to professional skills that I clearly didn’t understand. However, worried that my sister would look down on me, I only gave a few perfunctory words in reply. Later, when my sister asked again, I was afraid of being found out, and used deceit to divert my sister’s attention. I didn’t ask my superiors when there were things I didn’t understand in my duty. I constantly felt like if I did this I would look incompetent, and so I put up a front to prevent the leaders from knowing. I put on a disguise so I looked as if I understood everything. This resulted in some problems sitting unresolved for a long time, and directly affected the progress of the video production. Actually, I had just started doing this duty. Although I had made some progress, there were some techniques that I hadn’t been in contact with before, so it was absolutely normal for there to be a few things that I didn’t understand. Anyone with the smallest bit of reason knows that they are not perfect and it is impossible to understand everything, so they need the guidance and help of others when doing their duties, and when they have questions, they will take the initiative and ask other people, and this is absolutely normal. However, it had become my biggest difficulty. I could not face up to my own shortcomings and deficiencies, and did not want to be a normal person, with defects. I constantly wanted to put up a front and be a perfect person. I disguised myself at every turn. I even thought that asking others when I was in difficulty was an expression of incompetence, and would give others a chance to look down on me. I was simply too arrogant and too hypocritical! When my reflections had reached this point, I hated myself inside. I felt that the things I had done were truly repulsive.

Later, I also reflected on myself. Why did I constantly disguise myself and put up a front? I read a passage of God’s words, which made my heart feel brighter and clearer. Almighty God says: “Regardless of the context, no matter what duty they do, an antichrist will try and give the impression that they aren’t weak, that they are always strong, full of faith, and never negative, so that people never see their real stature or real attitude toward God. In fact, in the depths of their heart, do they really believe there is nothing they cannot do? Do they genuinely believe that they are without weakness, negativity, or revelations of corruption? Absolutely not. They are good at putting on an act, adept at hiding things. They like showing people their strong and splendid side; they don’t want them to see the side of them that is weak and true. Their purpose is obvious: It is, quite simply, to maintain their vanity and pride, to protect the place they have in people’s hearts. They think that if they open up before others about their own negativity and weakness, if they reveal the side of them that is rebellious and corrupt, this will be grievous damage to their status and reputation—more trouble than it’s worth. So they would rather die than admit to having times when they are weak, rebellious, and negative. And if a day does come when everyone sees the side of them that is weak and rebellious, when they see that they are corrupt, and have not changed at all, they will still keep putting on an act. They think that if they admit to having a corrupt disposition, to being an ordinary person, someone who is insignificant, then they will lose their place in people’s hearts, will lose everyone’s worship and adoration, and thus will have utterly failed. And so, whatever happens, they will not open up to people; whatever happens, they will not give their power and status to anyone else; instead, they try as hard as they can to compete, and will never give up. … antichrists portray themselves as staunch, strong-willed, and able to forsake and suffer, as someone who is simply flawless and without any faults or problems. If someone points out their corruption and shortcomings, treats them equally, as a normal brother or sister, and opens up and fellowships with them, how do they treat the matter? They do their utmost to vindicate and justify themselves, to prove they are correct, and ultimately to make people see that they have no problems, and that they are a perfect, spiritual person. Is it not all imposture? Any who think themselves flawless and holy are all imposters. Why do I say all of them are imposters? Tell Me, is there anyone flawless amid corrupt humanity? Is there anyone who is truly holy? (No.) Definitely not. How can man achieve flawlessness when they are so deeply corrupted by Satan and, besides, not innately possessed of the truth? Only God is holy; all corrupt humanity is defiled. If a person were to impersonate someone holy, saying they were flawless, what would that person be? They would be a devil, a Satan, an archangel—they would be a bona fide antichrist. Only an antichrist would claim to be a flawless and holy person” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Ten)). After reading the words of God, I felt as if my heart had been stabbed. Antichrists regard reputation and status as more important than life itself. They are particularly good at disguise and trickery. They sculpt themselves into a perfect image, with no weaknesses or shortcomings, and no revelation of corruption. They do this in order to achieve their goal of making others worship and look up to them. I was just the same as the antichrists who God had exposed. I also especially like showing our strong and glorious sides to others, and like being esteemed and looked up to by others, and having status in the hearts of others. Whether it was the leaders asking me to edit a video or my brothers and sisters asking me questions, I would always disguise myself and pretend to understand even when I didn’t. I even tricked and misled my brothers and sisters. When my brothers and sisters asked questions and I didn’t understand, why was I not able to be frank and honest? Was it not because I was afraid of them seeing my deficiencies, coming to believe that I was as ordinary as they were, and not admiring or looking up to me anymore? To protect my image as a supervisor, I didn’t dare to ask questions about things I didn’t understand in my duty. I was afraid that the leaders would think that I wasn’t the person of good caliber that they had talked about before, and look down on me. I was already in anguish over encountering difficulties without a path forward in my duties and life entry, but I would rather cry secretly on my own than expose my negativity and weaknesses to others. I was mortally afraid of my brothers and sisters seeing my true stature and caliber, and not admiring me anymore. I really was too hypocritical and too skilled at pretending! All created people have defects and weaknesses. However, I couldn’t accept my own imperfection, and put up a front to hide all my deficiencies and weaknesses. I was constantly wearing a mask of disguise, and put on an appearance of being eternally strong and full of faith. My aim in this was to have status in the hearts of others, and make people admire and look up to me. All day, I racked my brains over my own reputation and status, fretting over gains and losses, but I was listless in regard to work that genuinely concerned my main duties. I couldn’t do any real work. Because I was afraid that I would lose face if I couldn’t edit the video well, I delayed and didn’t dare to edit it. This affected the progress of the video work. As a supervisor, my main work was to resolve the various problems that cropped up in the performance of our duties together with my brothers and sisters, and ensure the smooth progression of the video work. However, I did not fulfill my own responsibilities, and constantly disguised myself. I was too lacking in humanity! I thought of these words of God: “Can created beings achieve omnipotence? Can they achieve perfection and flawlessness?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). Humans are insignificant. They simply cannot achieve omnipotence. But, put simply, my behavior was an attempt to make myself an omnipotent, perfect person. As a corrupt person, I thought all day long about how to become omnipotent. My nature was just so wicked!

Later, I read these words of God: “If, in your heart, you are clear about what kind of person you are, what your essence is, what your failings are, and what corruption you reveal, you should openly fellowship this with other people, so that they can see what your true state is, what your thoughts and opinions are, so that they know what knowledge you have of such things. Whatever you do, don’t pretend or put up a front, don’t hide your own corruption and failings from others, so that no one knows about them. This kind of false behavior is an obstacle in your heart, and it is also a corrupt disposition and can stop people from repenting and changing. You must pray to God, and hold up for reflection and dissection the false things, like the praise others give to you, the glory they shower you with, and the crowns they bestow on you. You must see the harm these things do to you. In so doing, you will know your own measure, you will attain self-knowledge, and will no longer see yourself as a superman, or some great figure. Once you have such self-awareness, it becomes easy for you to accept the truth, to accept God’s words and what God asks of man into your heart, to accept the Creator’s salvation of you, to steadfastly be an ordinary person, someone who is honest and reliable, and to establish a normal relationship between yourself—a created being, and God—the Creator. This is precisely what God asks of people, and it is something that is wholly attainable to them. … All you need to do is practice the method I laid out. Be an ordinary person, don’t disguise yourself, pray to God, and learn to open yourself up in a simple way and speak with others from the heart. Such practice will naturally bear fruit. Gradually, you will learn to be a normal person, you will no longer be tired of life, no longer be in anguish, and no longer be in pain. All people are ordinary people. There is no difference between them, except that their personal gifts are different and they can vary somewhat in caliber. If not for God’s salvation and protection, they would all do evil and suffer the punishment. If you can admit that you are an ordinary person, if you can step out from within man’s imaginings and empty illusions and seek to be an honest person and do honest deeds, if you can conscientiously submit to God, then you will have no problems and you will fully live out a human likeness. It’s as simple as that, so why is there no path?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). “You must learn to say, ‘I can’t,’ ‘It’s beyond me,’ ‘I can’t penetrate it,’ ‘I haven’t experienced it,’ ‘I don’t know anything at all,’ ‘Why am I so weak? Why am I so good for nothing?’ ‘I am of such poor caliber,’ ‘I’m so numb and dull-witted,’ ‘I’m so ignorant that it will take me several days before I can understand this thing and take care of it,’ and ‘I need to discuss this with someone.’ You must learn to practice in this way. This is the outward sign of your admission that you are a normal person and your desire to be a normal person” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). After reading the words of God, I began to ponder. Actually, in the past when the leaders praised me, it was just because I was quite active in studying professional skills during that time, and I had produced a few videos and shown some improvement. Just like an elementary school kid in first grade, who had listened well for a couple of days in class and then been praised a couple of times by the teachers, this absolutely did not mean that they were better than their classmates. Neither did it mean that they’d learned all the knowledge from all the books. Being praised by the leaders did not mean that I was an expert in video techniques and wouldn’t have any problems anymore. Actually, I was still a beginner, who only semi-understood the techniques. I still had many shortcomings and deficiencies. There was still a lot to learn and get a grasp of. I should treat myself correctly, and have a clear view of my true stature and true level. If I forgot the measure of myself because of a word of praise from someone else, then ultimately I would only end up as an arrogant person, lacking in all reason. Previously, I had constantly felt that because I was a supervisor, while it was fine for other people to be negative but not for me. No matter what problems arose, I had to hold firm and not let other people see my weakness. Actually, this was treating myself as a superhuman; it was not an expression of normal humanity. Although I was a supervisor, this didn’t mean that I was any better than my brothers and sisters: It was just a difference in duty and responsibilities. Whether in terms of life entry or professional skills, everyone has deficiencies and shortcomings. It was completely normal that I couldn’t see through or understand some problems. It’s not something to make a fuss about. I should have an honest attitude, admit my shortcomings, and look up materials for study with my brothers and sisters. I should ask our superiors about anything we didn’t understand, so we could figure out the problems and not let them hinder the work of the church.

In a gathering, I opened up my heart to my brothers and sisters. I exposed and dissected my state of putting up a front and disguising myself during this period of time. I spoke of my deficiencies and shortcomings, so that my brothers and sisters could see my caliber and stature clearly. At the same time, I turned my attitude to my duty around. When I didn’t have any ideas while producing a video, I stopped putting up a front. Instead, I went to seek together with my brothers and sisters. My brothers and sisters would say something, I would say something, and some difficulties were resolved before we knew it. When I removed my mask of disguise, I felt relaxed when doing my duties. I didn’t feel as repressed or anguished. One time, a sister asked me how to produce a new format of video. Because I wasn’t so clear about the principles and requirements of the video, I didn’t have any ideas on how to produce it. I thought to myself, “If I say I don’t understand, then will my sister think, how could I be a supervisor when even this professional knowledge is beyond me? Would my sister look down on me?” At this time, I remembered these words of God: “You must learn to say, ‘I can’t,’ ‘It’s beyond me,’ ‘I can’t penetrate it,’ ‘I haven’t experienced it.’ … You must learn to practice in this way. This is the outward sign of your admission that you are a normal person and your desire to be a normal person” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). When I thought of my previous agonizing experience of living in a state of disguise, I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I needed to turn around my incorrect intentions and attitudes regarding doing my duty and be a normal person. Afterward, I opened up to my sister, saying, “I also don’t understand this, and I’m not so clear about the production principles in this kind of video.” Afterward, we looked for principles and relevant course materials in this area so we could study together, and I felt clearer about the production direction. I felt relaxed and liberated in my heart. After a time, a letter from the leaders arrived. It said that several of the videos we had produced showed progress, and asked us to keep up the good work. When I saw the letter of encouragement from the leaders I was really excited, and, without realizing it, started to shed tears. In one regard, I felt ashamed, because the state of disguise and putting up a front I had been living in before had delayed the video work. In another regard, I experienced the holiness of God. When I was living in my corrupt disposition, which for a long time I didn’t turn around, God did not guide me. When I turned toward God, and was willing to practice in accordance with God’s words, I saw God’s smiling face. Now, I have some understanding of my own corrupt disposition, and my state of putting up a front and disguising myself has changed somewhat. These results were all achieved with the guidance of the words of God.